A thread full of tips for those struggling

[permasmile]

I thought we could start a thread that consists of any tips or advice you guys and gals have for dealing with the struggles of a breakup.

 

As some know, I am going through a recent breakup (initiated by my ex-gf) and am going through the ups and downs. I was with her for 4 years, and although I know that things were not going great, naturally it is still difficult.

 

Although I could think of more, the two biggest tips I have off the top of my head are:

 

1) Exercise - I began working out again about a week before the breakup. Since the breakup I have made a point to get to the gym. It gives you a natural rush and helps to build confidence. On a more superficial level, won't it be great to have your ex see you in the future looking the best you ever had

 

2) Accept that things will work out for the best - This is a broad tip, so I will explain how it pertains to my situation. Our breakup was not caused by anything in particular, rather a fade in romance. Although I do believe we were both somewhat lazy in keeping the relationship strong, that is the past. At present, we are no longer together. A part of me believes we may get back together one day. If that happens, our relationship will be much stronger because of the time apart and the realizations we came to because of the split. We also will have had time to work on ourselves. This COULD happen. We could also never get back together. If that is the case, there is a good reason for it. In the long run, it will be better for both of us. The breakup presents difficulties for now, but I do not "need" to be with her, I simply have a desire to have her in my life right now. In the long run things will iron themselves for the better. This can also be applied to other situations....ex) your ex was cheating on you......hurts now but in the long run it is for the best as you deserve better.

 

I am intentionally leaving other tips I could think of out as I hope to get others to participate. I find this board has helped me so far. It is good to hear others speak about how they feel and also to be able to express myself. I appreciate the support and hope that I can someday help others on here as well.

 

Cheers

[thegoodgirl04]

• Volunteer
  
• Find a hobby to keep yourself busy
  
• Try not to take break up personally, remember that your ex is human too (although you may not feel this way now!)
  
• Take your time in getting into a new relationship, your only doing yourself and your next potential mate a favor by letting yourself heal.
  
• Let yourself cry, be angry, hurt, lost etc. Let yourself feel everything, don't hold your emotions at bay, they will only catch up with you someday.
  
• DO NOT contact them no matter what!
  
• Know that it's not the end of the world, just think of it as them doing you a favor and they are freeing you up to meet someone wonderful!

[toughtime]

I am not very religious but I like to read and learn about different religions.

 

I read this quote in a book about Buddhism. When I was in my last relationship, I would read the quote often to remind myself of what true love really is. I hope this helps you..

 

The key building blocks of a loving and lasting relationship include absense of selfishness, the presense of caring, self-reliance coexisting with sharing, compassion and understanding, respect for the other's uniqueness, absense of blaming, and a genuine interest in the welfare of each other. It is not love that can cause pain and hurt; rather, it is the absense of the genuine love.

--Bhante Y. Wimala

 

He also wrote this:

 

In this society, many mistake selfish attachment as an essential characteristic of love. Because of this, we believe that it is love that "breaks" our hearts. Only selfishness can break the heart, because selfishness is the hook in conditional love. Unconditional love has no such hook; thereforeeee, it cannot break the heart. To get over a heartbreak, you need to find a way to let go of your selfish attachment. Strive to develop unconditional love to replace the selfish attachment that you might have mistaken for love. Let go of attachment and you will find love within you. Love can never break your heart. True love can only heal it.

 

I am going to write one more passage he wrote that I like a lot. It is about Genuine Love.

 

Genuine love has many characteristics. Most important, there is a sincere interest in the happiness and well-being of the other person. When we say "I love you," if it is accompanied by this honest and heartfelt interest in the other's well-being, then it expresses genuine love. Obviously, in a relationship based on such love, hatred and the possibility of hurting the other person are totally nonexistent.

 

Second, there are not strings attached to the love. No returns are expected, only an interest in the other person's happiness and well-being. Love is not an investment. Returns that do happen to come are accepted thankfully as a bonus and not as dues. There is no coercion on the other person to fulfill one's desires and expectations. The common formulas "you should love me because I love you" and "i did that for you, so you do this for me" are not present.

 

Third, in genuine love, self-reliance coexists with sharing.

 

Forth, genuin love undersands, with empathy and compassion, the human condition of the other person, particularly that person's mix of strengths and weaknesses. There is understanding of the uniqueness of the individual and the person's right to that uniquenss. This implies that,while there is the recognition that problems and difficulties exist, there is no blaming. Instead, there is joint action carried out in harmony to solve the problems. Genuine love will make it impossible to cause pain purposely to each other in the pursuit of solutions.

 

Finally, in the case of two people who have those qualities and who feel that they can share their lives for even greater well-being and happiness, they will have the special, genuine love needed for spousal relationship that will blossom and last.

 

Love can Never Break your Heart

 

Love can bring you great comfort. In pure love, anxiety is absent. Instead of emotional reaction, there is a calm response. If love doesn't bring comfort, it is not love.

 

Experience of this pain caused by such inner turmoil is called heartbreak. The stronger the selfish attachment, the stronger the heartbreak will be. Intense emotions always have physical effects. When you experience anger, fear, or jealousy, you can feel them in your body.

 

If this helped you then I would suggest you buy the book. It is called : Lessons of the Lotus

 

By: Bhante Y. Wimala

[toughtime]

• Volunteer
  
• Find a hobby to keep yourself busy
  
• Try not to take break up personally, remember that your ex is human too (although you may not feel this way now!)
  
• Take your time in getting into a new relationship, your only doing yourself and your next potential mate a favor by letting yourself heal.
  
• Let yourself cry, be angry, hurt, lost etc. Let yourself feel everything, don't hold your emotions at bay, they will only catch up with you someday.
  
• DO NOT contact them no matter what!
  
• Know that it's not the end of the world, just think of it as them doing you a favor and they are freeing you up to meet someone wonderful!

 

I think the best thing you wrote in there was : the third one:

 

Try not to take the break up personally. Yes, your ex is also human..

 

I think that is what I am trying to do. My ex and I broke up due to circumstance...he wants certain things in life that i cant give due to us leading our separate professional lives. He called the break up b/c he wants kids soon, marriage, and can not do long distance.

 

When we broke up..I had encouraged long distance. I told him not to give up before trying but he said that it is not fair to him. He is human too and has certain needs and wants. I should not be selfish in trying to make him do what he does not want to do.

[catgirl82]

i would like to add that time is a great healer and that you should realize that with time you WILL feel better. on that same token, this means you need to be patient and allow yourself to grieve appropriately and not try to rush things.

 

accept that breaking up is a process and that you'll come out of it stronger

 

lastly, realize that things happen for a reason and work out for the best. you may not see it now, but months from now, you will realize that this was the right decision. you only have one life to live, and if you are in a relationship that is not right for you, you'll be grateful that it ended!!

 

these tips come from my own personal experiences with breakups

[Blue Skittles]

I'm going thru a break-up myself, and I don't know if this is actually going to work or not, but I'm bookin it out of town for the summer, forgetting about everything around here, spending time with my family, working in the mountains, I'll even go spend some time at the farm with my auntie, and I'm not keeping in touch with anyone from the city while I'm gone. Well, maybe some CLOSE friends. But I have a good feeling about it.

 

Things that have worked in past breakups: No Contact, spending time with friends, exercise, shopping for new clothes, singing and dancing around my apartment acting like an idiot, and most importantly, cuddling with my two little critters!! I love them so much!