Should I take a chance???

[BigFatMess]

Okay, so what I THOUGHT I wanted happened. After two months apart, a month of NC, my ex has decided he wants me back. Has spent the last week trying to convince that he made a huge mistake letting me go. Has been SO honest about everything (in our relationship he had difficulty in being honest), and seems to have come to so many realisations about his behaviour and how he treated me. He now wants to PROVE to me that he has changed. That he wants to make me number one in his life, that he has realised what I mean to him, how wonderful I am, and how he doesn't want to live without me in his life.

 

I WANT all this. I am still very much in love with him. When I saw him, the spark was still there, and APART from his difficulties in being honest with me, we had a fantastic relationship. We get on great, we live well together, we suit each other.

 

The question is: do I put my heart on the line? Do I risk letting him back in, at least enough to see if he can prove this? Or will he revert back to his old ways eventually???? How do I know??? Am I being a total idiot???

 

CONFUSED.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't know anything about your situation so its impossible to tell you what I think.

 

I had an ex I missed very badly for a very long time and I knew I couldn't take him back. I still love him to this day and most likely will not stop. (if you were to ask anyone close to me...they all know about...him)

 

You need to decide whether or not you can live with this person for the rest of you life or not. If not, then you really should move on.

 

It really is possible to love more than one person in your life. It won't ever be exactly the same, but good in a different way. Like how chocolate cake is not the same as pizza but they're both good.

 

Can you see the rest of your life with this guy? Happily, and content, that is....? If not, then you might want to try to visualize yourself without him. One thing I know is that sometimes we just can't work it out, and can't be with people... even when we love eachother.

[friscodj]

Well, you answered your own question I think: you are still very much in love with him and you want this.

 

Has this guy regularly abused you in any way, aside from making mistakes which hurt you occasionally? If not, I say absolutely go for it.

 

Now, many times people will say "he/she wants me back", "he/she has decided they made a mistake", "he/she wants to do better/prove this or that". You've got to be careful with this line of thinking.

 

I think if you guys are to have a healthy, balanced relationship, both of you need to work on the issues which caused the break-up in the first place. It takes two to make a relationship work, so if you do give it another go, don't just sit back and let him put forth all the effort regardless of how things ended before. Start fresh and start working together to make it work.

[mikeca]

well..my general impression is he's being honest. hes showing his matured and realizes what he's lost. However I wouldnt jump back on the relationship train right away. i'd advise to take it slow...keep letting him show how much you mean to him. Then when it feels right again...thats when you take a chance.

[Daddy Bear]

will he revert back to his old ways eventually???? How do I know??? Am I being a total idiot???

 

if there was a 50% chance that he would go back to his old ways, would it seem worth the risk? only you can decide.

 

you won't know. he probably doesn't even know.

 

you are working it out in your mind and seeking the opinions of others. those are not the actions of an idiot.

[joyce1412]

hi there. i think teddybear made a good point that you should figure out if you could spend the rest of your life with this person. now, depending on how old you are, this may sound silly--i'm 21, and most 21 year olds i can think of aren't thinking about marriage. however, you have been broken up for a while, presumably done some healing and made some changes. and if this relationship IS eventually going to end, wouldn't you prefer to not prolong the inevitable end unecessarily, and simply figure out what you've learned and move on? seriously ask yourself if you can in good conscience invest more time, emotion, and energy into this relationship.

 

if i were you, i think i would also ask myself if this relationship is in line with the person i have become post-breakup. for example, one of the problems i had with my ex was that he needed me to be very involved in his life, career, hobbies, et cetera...i played into this, all the while putting MY career and hobbies on the back burner. since the breakup i have recognized this and become very independent and tried as much as possible to concentrate on my future career. if i could determine that i would still be expected to be as big of a participant in his career, i could not go back into the relationship.

 

and this is probably obvious, but take into account his actions, not his words. if you feel like he's giving you all the standard lines, it's because HE IS! however, if he could give you concrete examples of things he is going to do differently, that would help.

[BigFatMess]

Your advice is always so helpful! It makes me feel like I am not going nuts, and that my thoughts and feelings aren't crazy!

 

I have decided to at least LET him try and show me that he has changed. It is hard though, cause we are in different cities and it is hard to show that sort of thing if you aren't in reachable distance. He seems so sure that it will be different. I wish I could be so sure. The only problem I am having now, is that I am feeling SO insecure. So scared. And it is affecting my everyday life, and that sucks. Is there anyway I can just relax and let this happen?????

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

It's hard but if you're determined go ahead and give him the benefit of doubt. If things go back, then maybe you just have to let him go.

[BigFatMess]

My ex did a lot of stupid things in our relationship. He hurt me by his behaviour with other women "friends". He now says he realises he was living in a fantasy world, but that he wants the reality, which is me. My question is: can people REALLY change? Can he really have realised these things and actually worked on himself enough to be in a proper committed relationship with me? Or am I just being naive?

[Daddy Bear]

"everyone deserves a second chance, but nobody deserves a fourth." - Ina Foster-Dumcork

 

agree or disagree?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

"everyone deserves a second chance, but nobody deserves a fourth." - Ina Foster-Dumcork

 

agree or disagree?

 

Absolutley agree.

[BigFatMess]

He doesn't deserve more than a second chance with me. But I do believe that someone can be woken up to their behaviour when they lose someone. So I guess I should at least give him the chance to PROVE this to me. If he can't, then I will cut my losses.

 

One of my problems with it though, is that I am already investing myself back in to it. I am getting my hopes up. I am WANTING it to work out. I want him to prove it to me. And if it all turns pear shaped, I will be devastated all over again. BUT then again, at least if all that happens, I will know I have done everything to save this relationship, and HE is the one that ruined it.

 

The other thing that I am struggling with, is that we live miles apart, in different cities. It is almost impossible to try and build up a relationship, and for him to PROVE all this to me, when we can't even see each other! I am finding it really difficult, cause we are not together, but we can't make any progress either. We talk everyday, but it always ends up back on the topic of him changing, which he can't prove. It is driving me insane and I don't know what to do. He is coming to see me in a week and a half, but that seems like an eternity.

 

Ideas on what I can do to keep myself sane?

[ediefy]

Build yourself as full a life as you can where you live. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket--and certainly don't commit to the guy again right away. Keep your options--and your heart--as open as you can. People can and do change, but generally not in the space of a couple of months. And, if you do decide to go forward with this guy, you might consider going to some counseling to work at the issues that were behind the behavior that resulted in you two breaking up to begin with. Until you address the underlying stuff (and it's there, believe me), it'll be hard to build any kind of real long-term foundation with the guy. Best of luck--hope it works out the way you want it to!

[HardShowingAffection]

I am a firm believer in the fact that people can change. I have done it! For me, it wasn't until my ex left me until I really got the 'reality check' that I needed for so long. Her leaving really opened my eyes to everything that I had been doing both positively and negatively in my relationship. It changed my perception of things, and really enabled me to look within myself for changes and answers. It has been amazing.

 

I agree with friscodj though in saying that it takes two in a relationship. When I had issues in past, and the ex and I would take space, I would sit back and analyze things. Then I would talk to her, tell her I have realized some things that I thought I needed to change, and we would try again. The problem was that I was trying to do things that I saw as the problems. I was changing, however, she was along for the 'free ride'... basically saying "what do I have to lose', if he changes then great, otherwise, see ya.

 

This put a huge strain on our relationship. I was trying so hard, but she was just coasting. It takes TWO! Open roads of communication and working as a team is what is going to nurture a relationship. Not one person busting their rear to make the other happy. You have to forgive them for their past wrong doings, recognize their changes, and help them meet your needs!

 

I truly believe that people can change, and if both are willing to work towards a healthy realationship, that is awesome! I would recommend a few books to you guys, just because they can only help make a relationship stronger and better! Give them a read, you won't be sorry:

 

"Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

 

Both have opened my eyes to a whole new world, and have me hooked on learning more about me, and improving me! I cannot say enough about them.

 

Good luck!