even if you get them back, how do you get over the pain?

[joyce1412]

hi there. for a while i've been wondering how it is that a couple can get back together after a serious breakup. i'm obviously getting ahead of myself because it's not like my ex has given me any indication of wanting me back after leaving six weeks ago. but i just wonder how it is that people can go through something like what i'm going through--pain, confusion, anger, sense of loss, lowered self-esteem--and somehow still want to get back with the person who was the cause of all the terrible feelings. i'm especially curious about this because i didn't deserve to be dumped, i didn't cheat, didn't take him for granted, et cetera, so i can't pretend i understand or even condone him wanting out. i think it was a terribly foolish thing that he did, and the way in which he broke up with me was so hurtful (this was our last conversation, we have not spoken at all in recent weeks except for brief and detached text-messaging about exchanging our things).

 

if my ex called me tomorrow and wanted to have me back, my FIRST, first impulse would be to scream "YES, of course!" i miss him terribly and [i say this a bit begrudgingly because i'm SO angry at him] i think he's a wonderful guy. and, of course, i'm also eager for this pain and the difficult times to end. but how could i possibly feel close to him, unafraid and uninhibited with a person who put me through the saddest, most difficult time of my life?

 

obviously, i can't help thinking about wanting to be back with him. but i wonder how that is even possible, and if it's just something i'm thinking about to get me through the months of separation anxiety that are sure to come. maybe as much as i want to, i couldn't get back together with him, but i keep thinking about it because i can't face the fact that this great and loving relationship has no long-term value. when i think about this relationship having no lasting significance or meaning, it's enough to make me ill.

 

any thoughts?

[Skippy]

a person break up with another for many reasons, lame ones included. Have you thought that you guys just arent competitable?

Both of you guys can be the best people in the world but if he doesnt see you as someone that is for him, it isnt you, it isnt him, it's just is. Nothing you can do about it.

I would rather be with someone that love me then be with someone that doesnt know.

[newzealand]

Hi Joyce,

 

I understand what you mean. I have been in a relationship for 3 years a while ago, and during that period we broke up and got back together 2 times. (We broke up permanently half a year ago.)

 

What I've found, is that when you get back together after being separated, the relationship is no longer the same. For me, I kept on thinking about what happened during the break-up and kept on seeing this as a "stain" on the relationship. It would just never be the same again, never would this relationship be pure and all good again. It would always have this bad episode written on it.

 

You try, of course, and you attempt to forget it, move on, be happy again... but every now and then it comes back, and it can hurt a lot when it does. It can strike in the most peculiar moments, but mostly I've found is that you end up bringing it up during fights or arguments. Which of course doesn't make matters better...

 

Initially I was the one breaking up, but I was also the one regretting it the first time. I can tell you, I didn't have a "good" reason either, as you put it. Sometimes you just don't need a reason. You just feel that you are not in love with the other person anymore, or just don't feel like you want to be together anymore.

 

I think it would have been better for us, if we would have stayed separated the first time. Like I said, I ended up regretting the decision, missing her. But when I reflect back on it now, I think I just missed the idea of her, the idea of how our relationship used to be. Maybe I just missed being with someone, anyone.

 

So although a break up is painful, like you say, when you get back together, for one side there will always be the fear and anxiety... will it happen again? Will he/she leave me again (for no reason)? And for the other side, the guilty feelings of having hurt the person that loved you, the fear of doing it again...

 

I think, a break up has a reason (even though one of the two may not see it as clearly as the other) and you should not forget this. Then, if you do think about coming back together, you should think about if it's really worth it to possibly go through all the pain again later, and to have the fear and anxiety, just for the sake of some extra happy days/weeks/months.

 

That's my take on it.

[teacup]

I like to think of it as the bad times can either make you stronger OR weaker. you can either choose to value the person even more OR less.

 

it is all relative choices and it depends on how YOU choose to see it. which OR will you choose? and which OR would he choose?

 

that must be how to get over the pain because i think that all human beings fight sometimes. relationships ARE imperfect. but there can be beauty in the imperfection.

 

of course, what would i know. i've only been in abusive relationships. and unfortunately, there's very little beauty in that.

[itsallgrand]

It's time to re-direct your thoughts. You are hanging onto the hope that the ex. will come back. Beg you to give it another go.

 

The reality is that he left. He may never come back. You must face this first. I don't say this to hurt you. I just see too many people prolonging the pain bc they are trying to block out the hurt. It does take a while to sink in, and you're still in the process of working it through. Focus on that. Focus on you.

 

As far as your actual q: It is possible to work through pain and build a new sort of relationship. If the problem is worked through, forgiveness is genuine, and the people want badly to be together and it makes sense in reality to do so. Sometimes it is necessary for people to split in order to learn certain lessons, and to learn that they truly want to be with only each other.

maybe as much as i want to, i couldn't get back together with him, but i keep thinking about it because i can't face the fact that this great and loving relationship has no long-term value. when i think about this relationship having no lasting significance or meaning, it's enough to make me ill.

 

I really do think from what you write that you are still not ready to face the pain full-on. It will come though. You'll get angry, you'll think of what you dislike about him, you'll go up and down and all around, crying. Grieving.

 

It may be that this is the end of the road for this relationship, but whatever love and joy you two shared is not lost. It has meaning. It has value. Maybe not what you were hoping, but it isn't time and love lost if you gave it your all and loved well.

 

take care.

[mikeca]

Thats a great piece of advice. I've changed myself (for the better) these last months since the breakup. I've joined 2 sports leagues, playing a new sport in golf. Focusing on my career paths. Hell I want to learn another language now too.

[onmyownagain]

Hi,

 

My wife and I got back together in January after a 3 month split. It has taken me until recently to be happy again because she told me to leave in the first place it takes a while to get over this when you return home, look at my previous posts to look at some of things I had to go through.

 

We are stable now but tend to refer to things as before the split or after, but I must say I am the happiest I have been for years and actually we look forward to seeing each other everyday and spend a lot of time just talking.

[joyce1412]

thanks for all your thoughts. i definitely see everyone's points and agree with many of them.

 

as far as us being compatible...i think we were highly compatible, which is one of the reasons why this is hard to swallow. however, since i'm only 21, i'm willing to accept that maybe he was what i needed at 21 years old, but not for life--although thinking in such a way is difficult, especially since a breakup in itself is so much more of an emotional event than a logical one.

 

i can also see how a bad breakup, or just a breakup, can put a "stain" on whatever relationship a person tries to have with her ex, even if it's just a friendship. that's currently how i feel about what it must be like for a couple trying to reconcile.

 

i don't mean to imply that the breakup happened for no reason at all. i can definitely look back and see how things could have been better, on my side and on his. there are several things that i felt were issues of some significance and i'm trying to work on what i did wrong in this time alone. it's only that i felt things could have been worked out with some effort, and he wasn't willing to stay around and try.

 

and yes, itsallgrand, i am holding on for hope as a part of the grieving process, and i realize that. i used that hope to carry me through the last couple of weeks. it doesn't help that i have (and still have) friends telling me that it seems like the two of us aren't done yet, and that he's definitely going to regret losing me. they're trying to be kind, but i think this kind of talk might hurt me more than help me in the long run. but it's hard, because my tendency is to agree...i DIDN'T think we were done yet, was blindsided by the breakup, and thought i was an excellent, patient, loving girlfriend. it's easy to believe it when people are telling you what you want to hear.

 

and i've also done some of the "up, down, and all around." some days i'm really pissed, some days i get very logical, some days i care a lot less than i expect i will, some days i care a lot MORE than i expect i will.

 

however, in the past week or so i have been trying to be okay with the fact that it's just over...period. i'm realizing that that's the safest mental route to take.

 

thanks everyone.

[HardShowingAffection]

Joyce, I hear what you are saying in your last post. All kinds of things still flow through my mind. The good times, the bad, the hard, the easy. I guess you just can't help but think about them.

 

What I have learned though is that I needed to reflect back upon my relationship as you have. Look at the things that pushed my ex away, closed her up, made her feel like she had to leave. Once I was able to think about these things with a clear head, I really had to look into myself and see what I did those things.

 

It wasn't because I didn't love her, or didn't respect her, or didn't want to be with her. I think most of it was just because I was not aware of how my actions were affecting the overall goodness of our relationship. Even if she started something, I made the situation worse by getting defensive, or not playing a positive role.

 

Just remember that YOU have just as much a role in where your relationship heads as your partner does. Even if your partner displays negative actions, how you chose to handle them will steer your relationship down various paths.

 

I also have alot of friends telling me that we aren't done yet, and that she will realize what she had and want to reconcile. I don't think they are saying that to boost my self-esteem. I feel good about me right now from all that I have learned. I know that the next time I get into a relationship, it will be that much better because I have learned about me, and am able to contribute in a much more positive way.

 

Everyone tells me that I am taking the right steps, and that I am doing everything I can... for me, and for any hopes of a future with her. That is all that you can ask for. When everyone else sees it, your ex is bound to see that as well, and how they choose to react from there is up to them. You can't tell them how to think or feel... just work on a better you!

 

As for your original question about getting over the pain... forgiveness! Remember that you have to forgive for you! Not for anybody else.

 

It is very powerful. To learn to forgive could be one of the most powerful things you can do in any relationship. It is all about YOU! That is how I think you get over the pain. You focus on the good, and that helps flush out and deal with the bad. It encourages an upward spiral. It encourages growing together and helping each other meet each of your needs. This, in turn, helps resolve some of the bad things, while also allowing you to address some of the remaining issues in a more positive light. Focusing on the pain and the bad will put you in a downward spiral, and then you will end up back at square one.

[Scotcha]

Hmm.. Interesting post and replies.

 

My boyfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together twice now really. I truly believe that the reasons for breaking up can determine the success rate of getting back together.

 

The reason for our first break-up is the same reason that we got back together. After finding out I have herpes he thought he couldn't deal with it only to find that he couldn't deal with being without me. That time it was not a problem with our actual relationship.

 

The second was more serious. We were having some domestic violentesque situations. They never really got dangerous but the potential was there and so we broke up. We've both taken steps to resolve this and improve our relationship.

 

If we had broken up for lack of feeling or feelings towards another I do not believe I could feel as secure in the relationship. A part of me would always remember this I think. I do remember the pain and I doubt I will forget it but in both situations it was something we learned from and were able to grow stronger from.

 

I guess where I stand is this. If there was a concrete reason for the break-up and both parties are willing to solve the specific problem together than a second go fares a much better chance.

 

p.s. - joyce1412, A favorite qoute of mine when I've been heartbroken is, "The hardest part of holding on is letting go." It's so very true and I always take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in the pain that I feel. Knowing this somehow makes it easier for me. And whether it is this relationship that is rekindled or another is found (and it WILL be one or the other) you do have to let go of both the hope and the pain.

[joyce1412]

thanks for that. out of pure curiosity, how long did you and your boyfriend separate each time? the "domestic violence" situation sounds rather serious.

[Scotcha]

The first time it was for six weeks and the second time it was two weeks.

 

It could have been serious. The amount of aggression was loaded with red flags for a potentially dangerous situation. Thankfully it never got to that point. It ended up being something we've both learned from.

[HardShowingAffection]

Scotcha, what brought the two of you back together? I mean, you split for six weeks... did you go NC? Obviously you two love one another, do you think that is what ultimately drew you back together? Did you talk about your relationship while you were apart? How did you work on things while apart?

[haley999]

My ex and I (together for 2 years and engaged) split for three months and are back together. He called it off then because we were fighting and couldn't see a way out. I was devastated that he didn't think it was worth the try or the 'fight."

 

Here we are, a month after dating and things are going well.

 

"How do you get over the pain?" - LET IT GO. NC worked for me because I focused on myself and what made ME unhappy in the relationship. I firmly believe that it takes TWO to split and even though you may be the dumpee, you have to find what it was about the relationship that made YOU unhappy and what you would want to change for you to get your needs fulfilled - without of course being completely selfish.

 

NC is about letting go - giving up the "need" to have the other person, the drama, the pain of the split, and, sadly the hope of reconciliation. If you have truly LET GO and worked on yourself during the time apart then the pain will already be gone. It is a new relationship with new rules, you just have a little cheat sheet since you were together before.

 

Both people have to be whole people before ANY relationship can make it. Focusing your life on the "pain" and only on the past will lead you down a destructive path. Learn from your mistakes and learn what YOU need to be happy and whole. If you have let go - the "new" relationship will not be painful and you should have learned to forgive him and yourself....H.

[Scotcha]

Eek, posted twice!

[Scotcha]

Scotcha, what brought the two of you back together? I mean, you split for six weeks... did you go NC? Obviously you two love one another, do you think that is what ultimately drew you back together? Did you talk about your relationship while you were apart? How did you work on things while apart?

 

No, I didn't go NC. LC fits it more closely. I refused his friendship because I couldn't be friends with someone who hurt me but he would occasionally send me an email or something like that.

 

Lack of feeling was never a reason for us breaking up and so I do think it was our love that brought us back together. I've never gotten back with an ex when the break-up occurred because someone lost feeling. When I've heard it that reason never seemed to sink in for me, it didn't appear to be concrete enough, and yet in my experience it has always been final.

 

Going back to the original question: If a break-up were to happen because someone lost feelings for me I doubt I could ever get over that pain if a reconciliation were to occur. I would always remember how they were just able to.. stop. The pain over why we broke up is a little bit different as it was a problem we were able to solve. I guess it all comes down to security. And so I think that even if you get them back how you get over the pain, if it is even possible, entirely depends on the reason for the break-up and the individuals involved.

[HardShowingAffection]

Thanks for clarifying that Scotcha... I sent you a PM.

[Leigh]

My ex and I (together for 2 years and engaged) split for three months and are back together. He called it off then because we were fighting and couldn't see a way out. I was devastated that he didn't think it was worth the try or the 'fight."

 

Here we are, a month after dating and things are going well.

 

"How do you get over the pain?" - LET IT GO. NC worked for me...

 

I'm in a similar situation as my bf and I (living together for a year and a half) broke up due to fighting over work stresses and he felt we were arguing too much. The question was never whether or not we cared about each other and the day I left the apartment he told me that he still loved me but that we just couldn't live together. All of my furniture and things are still in the apt while I figure out what I'm doing with my life (I've relocated temporarily to Canada, but all of my things are with the ex in California). We have now gone NC for a week and I was wondering who it was that broke NC when you got back together? I'm having a hard time believing that this is over - my ex is incredibly stubborn, however, so I'm not sure what kind of clarity it's going to take for him to value the love that we still have over his unwillingness to work through our problems...

 

Thoughts? I'm dying here knowing that we love each other still but are just waiting for it to die away... Does it sound like we have any hope? The week that we'd broken up he was saying things that he'd never said before like "You'll make a good little wife someday..." I'm giving him time and space right now in the hopes that absense will make the heart grow fonder and he'll miss me enough to want to work at this again.

 

I wish I had a crystal ball.... and would love any advice anyone can offer on whether or not stubborn men can change their mind once they have a chance to get past their anger and get back to remembering why they loved you... I should also add that I initiated the break up but only wanted to have time to clear my head (was getting depressed over a failed work situation) and the ex was so hurt that he broke things off completely.

[HardShowingAffection]

Leigh... I can relate to your situtaion VERY MUCH! My ex and I split because, like you, we were finding ourselves arguing too much. It was over stupid stuff as well, which really sucked. It seemed like the littlest annoyance could turn into a full fledged argument. So after our last argument, she had enough, and left. We still talked, and agreed that we didn't want to continue in this cycle.

 

Since then, I have worked on myself. I have done a ton of research and reading, and have completely looked into myself. It has been amazing. I have realized so much about myself, and how I helped steer the relationship where it was going.

 

Anyways, I have no doubt that your ex is thinking about you. It has been about a month and a half for me, and I still think about my ex in some way every single day. On my side, I often wonder if she is still thinking about me, and whether she will ever let go of the resentments and look to reconcile our relationship. It is not a question of love, as we love one another will all of our hearts, and would do anything for one another, however, we jus had these reoccurring arguments, which sucked!

 

Sooo.... it sounds like we are in very similar situations. I have talked to her about 5 times over the past month. She has found 'reasons' to call me, and I have talked to her each time. I have not initiated the calls, as I don't want to push her away, but there is still that part in the back of my head that wonders what my next step should be. I am standing pretty strong, and if she decides she wants to talk, I am going to let her initiate that conversation, and I believe that is the best thing to do.

 

"I wish I had a crystal ball.... and would love any advice anyone can offer on whether or not stubborn men can change their mind once they have a chance to get past their anger and get back to remembering why they loved you..."

 

If you take this part of your post, and substitute men for women, I could have written it myself. From my perspective, I tend to focus on all the positive, while she seems to focus on the negative. I would definitely suck it up and initiate contact if I were your ex and realized what I had and wanted it back. I wouldn't worry about that. I am guessing you will say the same about my situation from a womans perspective... sounds like we are in the same exact boat!

 

Keep me updated on your situation, and I hope for the best for both of us!

 

I would recommend looking into bettering yourself during this period... it will help you along and make you that much better no matter what direction your relationship takes you! I feel so good about myself now, and feel like I have a TON more to offer my relationship with the ex, or any future girl for that matter!

 

Good luck!

[Leigh]

HardShowingAffection,

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It definitely does sound like we're in the same situation...when did you guys split and how long were you together? I will definitely keep you posted on what happens with the ex and I - he is going to be where I am (our hometown in Canada) for a month in July, so I'm just waiting to see if he'll make the effort to contact me... I keep thinking that if he were really done with the relationship, he would have insisted that I move my things out, no? Maybe wishful thinking - he DOES after all need the furniture too...but still - when a guy's done they want no reason for the ex to contact them right?

 

"If you take this part of your post, and substitute men for women, I could have written it myself. From my perspective, I tend to focus on all the positive, while she seems to focus on the negative."

 

Yes, and isn't it infuriating!!! All I can say to this is that in time, when they miss you everyday, they will need to acknowledge that relationships have ups and downs and that a relationship is worth the work!

 

"Sooo.... it sounds like we are in very similar situations. I have talked to her about 5 times over the past month. She has found 'reasons' to call me, and I have talked to her each time. I have not initiated the calls, as I don't want to push her away, but there is still that part in the back of my head that wonders what my next step should be. I am standing pretty strong, and if she decides she wants to talk, I am going to let her initiate that conversation, and I believe that is the best thing to do."

 

Have you had any indication from her as to whether or not she has any thoughts of reconciling? It must be torturous talking without being clear on where your future is going...

 

"I would recommend looking into bettering yourself during this period... it will help you along and make you that much better no matter what direction your relationship takes you! I feel so good about myself now, and feel like I have a TON more to offer my relationship with the ex, or any future girl for that matter!"

 

The first week after the breakup I bought 2 books and attended a workshop on personal transformation...I'm very much into finding my lesson in the pain of this experience - and in all honesty, I know that if the ex and I were to get back without something changing (in both of us) that the same problems may just happen again. While I'm trying to make myself a better person for ME, I must admit it brings a smile to my face to think of how much happier I can make the man that I love when I become better for US. (Even though I'm trying to deal with the thought that US may not happen again.)

 

Keep me posted on your situation as well...Here are two threads with the rest of my story if you are interested...

 

 

 

 

Take care

L.

[HardShowingAffection]

Leigh, my ex and I were together for 3 years and 2 months. We split up almost 2 months ago. The first few weeks were odd, because we were still in contact, although I never saw her. I guess she was still kind of on the fence. Two weeks after 'the argument' she said she couldn't do it, and that is when I really backed off.

 

Like I said before, I have talked to her maybe a half dozen times since then, and saw her twice... once for volleyball, and once for a concert. It was weird, because at the concert when I had my arm around her at times, and the following day she told me that at that moment when I had my arm around her, "In her head, she just wanted everything to be allright". As did I. I think in her head, she says she is done.... and she won't change her mind right now.

 

 

I have no idea if she has any thoughts of reconciling. I haven't really pushed the issue... just been focusing on me, working out, looking into myself, and getting my life straightened out. I have come accross that way to her, and am really positive, which I think takes her by surprise. She said she started reading one of the relationship books I gave her ("Relationship Rescue"), so if she is open to the suggestions in there, and sees what I saw, there is hope.

 

 

Like you, I know that if we did reconcile and give it another go, I have SOOO much more to offer her, and things would be vastly different. However, if that doesn't happen, I will walk into my next relationship a much better partner, and that is exciting. I have debated contacting her, as she has called me a few times, but I am still leary. I don't want to push her away, and I want to give her this time to figure herself out, and see what is truly important to her.

 

Here is the link to my situation:

 

Take care, and good luck!