To the nice,shy guys out there

[wonderwal]

Alright I've been reading many posts from nice,shy guys on this forum who have no success with women. I'm in the same position as all of you, so I'll share my two cents..

 

I'm male, 20 years old, dated maybe once or twice. I'm shy, nice, decent looking, very unconfident around women.

 

Recently I decided I needed to change my approach with women, since my current approach of being the kind,nice guy (which I've had for my whole life), has surely failed. I've noticed time and time again the guys who are jerks get all the women. So I decided to expirement and alter my approach, which is completely out of my character.

 

A month back I was at a friend's house for dinner. There was this attractive girl there who was a few years younger than me. So I decided to tease her slightly. I told her she looks way older than she is, and told her over and over again that she's lying about her age, and told her I refused to talk to liars. It led to a small argument. Eventually I told her I was kiddin and I believed her.. and then she became interested in me. She asked me lots of questions about me, complimented me.

 

A few weeks back I was hanging with a male friend. This girl whome I had never met before came to speak to him. She had just graduated from high school. So I asked what school she went to. I told her the school she went to was filled with trashy people, and she belongs there. I also told her some silly lie about me being Italian, when it's plain to see that I'm not. I felt pretty guilty about how I had acted towards her, since I'm never like that. Yesterday, this same girl called my friend out of the blue, and asked him if he'd formally introduce her to me.. She asked a million other details about me. I'm still pretty shocked, I never receive that kind of attention.

 

Perhaps being a jerk/teasing shows some kind of confidence which comes naturally to other guys. I'm not really sure, but this new approach of teasing girls/women has worked better than anything else for me.

 

So there, maybe us kind,shy guys can learn something from this?

[Dako]

I suspect you got attention because you gave some, not from being a jerk, but from starting a conversation. You might find joking, asking serious questions or listening well would suffice as well.

[orangecounty]

Please don't go out and be a jerk, there are TOO many of them out there to begin with. You know what worked in this situation? Your teasing her. Think about it, when you're quiet, polite and nice, you may not give off the vibe that you're interested and rather that you're just being polite and nice. In this situation you teased her and it showed like you were interested and she picked up on that. What I suggest is that you keep to the teasing, but drop the jerk act. No one likes a jerk. You can still tease in a nice manner without calling someone trash or any other jerkish names and come out looking like one heck of a guy.

[tylercdurden2004]

Its not about being a jesrk or an a******. Its about being confident enough to have a bit of FUN regardless what other think. Its about playful teasing. Dont most folks like to have fun? Teasing can be fun right? Well dont mistake the two, being a jerk and being playful. This is a common mistake "nice" guys make. They think that teasing is something soooo horrible and call the guys who tease jerks. Two totally different things and most women can tell the difference. No one likes a doormat who is afraid to speak his mind. Humour is one of the deepest connections you can have with someone. Notice how often people refer to "inside jokes" they have with others? Notice how people rarely say "inside dilemas, issues, bad times, etc" with other people? Because most if not all people like to laugh and to make people laugh you have to put yourself out there, which in turns means you have to be confident.

[Dako]

You're right Tyler. Being assertive can be gentle, generous or sincere.

Life isn't divided into two camps, jocks/nerds, nice/jerks, left/right, black/white. Nice guys aren't all doormat losers and all assertive guys aren'r self-absorbed cads. The lines blur when it's real life.

[Budman]

Diggity dog has a great post (its in his sig)

 

Ok,

 

Listen man you were being a jerk.

 

Teasing is different then being an * * *.

 

For example, poking, and playing with. Teasing.

 

Calling someone a * * * * * or slutty bad = jerkish quality.

 

calling someone a tease = boderline depends, mmm

 

calling someone a prevert (In my sense) a tease = good. (gotta be good at this one, I've messed it up)

 

It's like calling me, Jolly Green (I'm tall not to an extreme) Its not hurtful and it really couldn't be construed as such.

 

but calling me a freak of nature (could be) but if you have the proper body language, and motions and enunciation it could be a tease.

 

You're a freak of nature! (Just said no body language or particular emotion)

 

You're a Ffrreaak of Nature *wink* a sly smile.

 

Now, its a fine line.

 

It's a difficult art to master.

[becallamjr]

Preying on the younger crowd. Let me tell you how easy it is to get a girl that just graduated from high school. Cmon guy, I used to be nice and shy a long time ago. The difference today is I'm not shy anymore. I will talk to anyone anywhere anytime because I'm not afraid of rejection. Why? because there are a million different girls out there. That and I just don't care. Try it, you may find yourself suddenly a really elidgable bachelor with many many choices.

[Beyondthesea]

Agree with bell. There are a million choices, so why be so worried about being rejected?

 

I'm not the best looking girl but I've dated a lot of people and why? Is it because I'm slutty? Not a chance!

 

It's because I approach men because the men I like to date (shy, kind and respectful) are too darn chicken to approach me themselves! I think I've had one man like that ask me on a date before and I nearly fell out of my chair.

 

If you really want to attract a woman, talk to her!

[CluelessGuy321]

*takes notes*

<_>

[Dating Coach]

wonderwall, you aren't 100% right, you're still confused like most clueless "Nice Guys".

 

(Sane) Girls do NOT like guys who are jerks. That is a misconception that "Nice Guys" with no experience have. They seem to associate any guy who doesn't kiss a girls azz with being a jerk. That is 100% wrong.

 

What you did WAS more attractive, and only one time did I see you cross the line a little and that was telling a girl she belonged in a trashy school. That was unnecessary. But TEASING is FUN. It's a great way to flirt! In fact, by teasing and even tearing into her a little bit sends a message that you value YOURSELF because you are playing as if she isn't good enough for you. That's a big difference then a guy who acts like she is a goddess and his only will is to please her (ie most nice guys) Those guys will not get respect from these girls because they do not respect themselves-at least that's the message they send. Whereas when you tease a girl, you are playing as if she isn't at YOUR standards. Youa re sending a message that you have a high level of self confidence and self respect. Doing this teasing isn't mean if you do it in a joking way and don't cross lines.

 

Here is an example of an encounter where a guy was teasing a girl. Thank PocoDiablo for this post:

[Daligal83]

Why would you be interested in a girl that enjoys being called trashy? Is this really the sort of girl that you want to get involved with? I agree with everyone here in that you can be assertive AND nice at the same time. You just have to show confidence and a geniune interest in the girl.

 

As an example, I was at the bar over the weekend and this guy came up and started flirting with my friend and me. We were cool with him until for some reason (I think they were arguing over baseball), he called my friend an *******. We were both shocked. He then turns to me and says it again about her. We made it clear that he was being a jerk and we were no longer interested in talking to him. His response was "Uh....I have to...go..." I bet he was one of those guys that think being a jerk is attractive. It definitely is not. If he wanted to tease her about her views on baseball, he could have picked a much more tactful way of doing it.

[emptychipbag]

I'm one of those nice guys and I talk to girls that I meet all the time. I just can't tell at all if they're interested or not. I'm completely clueless and dumb when it comes to all that.

 

I just don't have the energy to act a certain way other than how I naturally am in order to fool a girl into liking me.

[Budman]

I'm one of those nice guys and I talk to girls that I meet all the time. I just can't tell at all if they're interested or not. I'm completely clueless and dumb when it comes to all that.

 

I just don't have the energy to act a certain way other than how I naturally am in order to fool a girl into liking me.

Deception is in the eye of the beholder.

 

It's a skill, like any other man. I am still me, and I will always be me. I'm just more confident, and I will use what I learned in the process.

 

It's not fooling, it's called proper presentation.

 

Why would someone dress nice to go meet people then?

[wonderwal]

Thanks for all your responses

 

I suppose what differentiates a remark between a fun tease or straight insult is the way it's said. You surely need to show it's a tease, smilling correct body language. I'm not going to become some mean bad guy dont worry lol

 

Anyway just thought I could share some info which us clueless guys could learn from. I'll share more of my real-life experiences as I learn more/experience more, if it's helpful to some of us. I'm not particularly interested in any of these girls, I'm just expirementing.

[turbo_turnpikes]

Wow, I'm gonna try that strategy when me and my friends go to a party and meet girls, thanx wonderwal. Yea, I'm getting tired of waiting and being the shy, unapproachable one, I figure maybe if I start acting like I'm not interest then they'll come after me.

[Dating Coach]

I'm one of those nice guys and I talk to girls that I meet all the time. I just can't tell at all if they're interested or not. I'm completely clueless and dumb when it comes to all that.

 

I just don't have the energy to act a certain way other than how I naturally am in order to fool a girl into liking me.

 

There is few ways to know for sure if a girl is interested or not. If you ask her out and she not only says yes, but hooks up with you, you know. If she touches your crotch and makes suggestive comments, chances are good. If she tells you that you turn her on, chances are good.

 

If she winks at you or smiles at you-it means nothing conclusive. If she talks to you or is friendly, it could mean anything. These are not clear signs of interest. If she hangs out with you like friends do, goes shopping, tells you about her problems, etc. it's the same crap. Nothing conclusive. Most inexperienced guys wonder whether or not a girl is interested based on some of the stupidest things.

 

The only way you know, is if you KNOW. Meaning she does something that leaves NO DOUBT. The rest, is hogwash.

 

The best thing to do is just ask a girl out.

[Dating Coach]

Wow, I'm gonna try that strategy when me and my friends go to a party and meet girls, thanx wonderwal. Yea, I'm getting tired of waiting and being the shy, unapproachable one, I figure maybe if I start acting like I'm not interest then they'll come after me.

 

Did you read my first post? Geez, if so you totally missed the point...

[tylercdurden2004]

Wow, I'm gonna try that strategy when me and my friends go to a party and meet girls, thanx wonderwal. Yea, I'm getting tired of waiting and being the shy, unapproachable one, I figure maybe if I start acting like I'm not interest then they'll come after me.

 

Yeah isnt this what shy guys do. Its their MO.

[vesper]

being a jerk does not work

 

 

being a mystery, and slightly glam will get you the girl................

 

 

I'll be my first born child on it

 

 

 

 

on - and dont smile at all

 

I HATE it when guys smile too much

[Dating Coach]

on - and dont smile at all

 

I HATE it when guys smile too much

 

Now that's an odd thought... and one I don't really buy. I guess to each their own but from my experience smiling was never a bad thing.