I feel like I'm such a monster

[Carnatic]

I don't know whether this is going to turn into a request for advice or whether I am just wanting to talk about things, but I'm not feeling so good about myself at the moment, and paradoxically it's the result of a girl taking an interest in me.

 

The girl in question is a good friend of mine and part of large group of mates I go to bars, cafes, etc with a lot, I'll refer to her as C. Apparently she liked me, looks and personality I think I don't really know what she saw in me, she just did and I don't know how long for. She asked a mutual friend 'R' to find out whether I might be interested, so R wasn't very subtle and just asked me outright. Problem is, I don't find C attractive, and I told R this... not saying she is ugly and she has a great personality, just my opinion that I don't fancy her, and to me looks are as important as personality, I have to fancy a girl as well as like her as a friend. R will tell C she doesn't think I'm interested, she won't tell her that she actually asked me directly though.

 

I feel really bad for rejecting C... not because I imagine C will be distraught, she won't be, a little disappointed at worst, I'm not so big-headed I think a girl who is interested in me would be devastated if I said no. The reason I feel like I must be a complete monster for rejecting her is that I'm no oil painting myself... seriously I really am quite ugly (it's not being ugly that's troubling me it's the fact I behave towards girls as though I am a lot better looking that bothers me here).

 

I feel like such a hypocrite for turning C down on the basis that I don't find her attractive enough. It's like there's a voice in my head saying to myself 'who the hell are you to decide who is and who isn't attractive, have you looked in a mirror lately?'. I have absolutely no right to be so shallow as to turn someone down based on looks... on the balance of things C is probably better looking than I am so the whole situation is totally perverse, yet in my head, totally inavoidable.

 

I mean I am who I am, my standards for girls' appearances may be way too high considering my own appearance. I'm not talking about fashion model, here though I do prefer a more down to earth, curvaceous girl (not using curvaceous as a euphemism for overweight), but I prefer a girl who is, in my opinion pretty.I can't change that, I can't just lower my standards... neither do I feel I can just ignore them and go for a girl I don't fancy... I just... shallow as it sounds... wouldn't be happy, and that's just who I am and I hate myself because of it.

 

To put it in context, In my entire life (I'm 23 and at university) and have only ever had 3 girls show any kind of interest in me... including C in that. Of the other two, one lost interest after meeting me in person (she had picked me out in a friend's photos and asked him to give me her number) and the other one, again I rejected because I didn't find her attractive (and also the one who later lost interest was really attractive and she came into the picture round about then). So, as they say, beggars can't be choosers, I attract so few girls and those that I do I turn away because I don't find them attractive.

 

Seriously, I'm not that up myself that I think C is sat in her room crying at the moment, she only asked R in a 'maybe I'd be interested, find out if he is likewise' kind of way. She might be quite offended though that such an ugly guy had the nerve to say she wasn't attractive enough (R will try her best not to imply I don't find C attractive), C is probably perfectly happy and I know R has probably already spoken to her as I saw them both today, and later we're all going out to a gig together. We'll carry on being good friends, but I do feel quite ashamed of myself.

 

Does anybody know what I'm talking about? Does anyone want to tell me to stop being such a shallow git?

 

Carnatic.

[Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstei]

So are you saying that you fear that your standards are too high for your own good? (at least you're not as bad as the guy in shallow hal)

[Carnatic]

yeah that's the short of it. I just wanted to put it in a bit of context.

[Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstei]

What would be keeping you from living up to your own physical standards? Why do you think the girls you're most attracted to wouldn't be attracted to you?

[Carnatic]

I'm just not attractive... Guys especially I always say can't just say by looking in a mirror whether or not they are attractive, but like I said only 3 girls have ever shown any signs of attraction, and 1 of these dropped that when she met me in person. I would generally assume that better looking girls go for better looking guys. yeah they may rate personality as important too, but there are plenty of nice guys who are good looking too, to they can go for someone who has a god personality as is attractive.

[Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstei]

Love starts with pyhsical attraction. If you're unhappy with how you look then try to find out what makes you attractive. This may seem pretty "gay", but maybe you should ask a couple of your female friends to help you get a 'make-over' from head to foot.

[Carnatic]

actually the 'R' I spoke of is a fashion student... she made sure I started dressing fashionably and doing something more attractive with my hair... but you know what they say 'you can't polish a turd'. Being ugly doesn't often bother me though, but then again my standards with girls don't usually come up because it can usually be taken for granted that girls don't find me attractive. But if a girl has low enough standards to be interested in me then it seems a bit harsh for them to be told they don't come up to my standards.

[jessicadon]

Love does start with attraction, but maybe next time this comes up, and you are not initially attracted to the girl, you can find one feature of hers that is attractive. Everyone has at least one. Then just focus on that. Just remember beauty fades and even if you get a supermodel, eventually she will be saggy, fat, and ugly like everyone else (well she might not get fat but at 87 what does it really matter?) . Whats important in the long run is can you have a conversation with this person?

Also another point I would like to make is, sometimes its good to get to know some one your not 100% interested in, just because when you find some one that you are interested in you will have some experience with dating and the like. It helps, although you definitely don't want to lead anyone on.

[btbt]

You have to be true to your tastes. It's one thing if you were arrogant and only trying to date the hottest girls out there, but if you are not attracted to someone don't beat yourself up over it.

[Budman]

actually the 'R' I spoke of is a fashion student... she made sure I started dressing fashionably and doing something more attractive with my hair... but you know what they say 'you can't polish a turd'. Being ugly doesn't often bother me though, but then again my standards with girls don't usually come up because it can usually be taken for granted that girls don't find me attractive. But if a girl has low enough standards to be interested in me then it seems a bit harsh for them to be told they don't come up to my standards.

 

 

If I had arms long enough to reach you, I'd smack some sense into you.

 

First off, I've been in the situation you're in right now. (not exactly the same but same feelings). I felt like an * * *, because I was soo attracted to the personality but when I saw the body attached to the personality I could not be attracted to it. No matter what I did I just could not do it. One could say, hollywood's programming of me was complete. (she was overweight). Anyway, I tried to find as many reasons or excuses not to like her, or reasons to like her, but no matter the effort it was always the same.

 

Let's put it in another perspective. Let's say a gay friend of yours comes onto you. Do you feel bad for telling him you're not gay? You're not attracted to men, so why would you feel bad?

 

About you being "ugly" don't ask me, ask female friends like others have said. Basically, I thought for the longest time that I wasn't attractive, then I accepted it. Got Confidence. Now I'm getting called cute, sexy, and hot all the time. (Surprised the hell outta me) and its hard not to start believing it after awhile.

 

Anyway, don't worry about it. You are feeling guilty because you rejected someone. I've rejected a woman that was very very, verrrry sexy because I wasn't interested in her in that way (did I say very?). You're saving her heartache overtime really. I mean I tried to overcome it and failed, but you might be a better man then me.

[Miss M]

Carnatic, hey friend, I feel a need to put in my $.02. I agree with the others who say you can't help who you're NOT attracted to. I can walk past 500 guys and not see anyone that piques my interest, and then suddenly, BAM! there's that certain one totally takes my breath away, and makes my eyes glaze over, and makes the room spin. But there's just no way I should feel guilty for not feeling attracted to those other 500 guys.

 

Also, I've posted before that many attractive women aren't typically looking for someone who is equally attractive. But if she's gorgeous and she's also looking for an equally gorgeous guy, then she's obviously not the girl for you. But there are lots of women who aren't checking the mirror each day in order to gauge what guy she should be looking for. A woman is usually just looking outward, externally focused, for a guy she finds appealing, not someone who equals her level of attractiveness. The guys I typically think are hot don't look anything like what I see in my mirror, and that's exactly how I like it, because I'm a girly-girl who's looking for a manly-man. I think a really good match for me is a guy who looks like... well... a "guy"... and usually that's not a pretty boy.

 

And one other point... as I was reading your post, it dawned on me that if you actually got your wish and ended up being the love interest of a gorgeous woman, you'd suddenly have to deal with the fact that you truly wouldn't feel deserving of her. She might genuinely like you, but you'd probably keep wondering why she isn't with her equal. I think your own logic would defeat you and loop back around to bite you in the butt. And yes, I've been the cute woman who was with a guy who didn't feel equally attractive. And I can tell you from first-hand experience that that kind of relationship can't survive if the guy doesn't get his internal self-worth sorted out.

[Budman]

I personally love the sleeper beauties.

 

Basically the ones that don't blossom till they are well into college.

 

Ya you know the ones I'm talkin about. They think they're so ugly, (usually really shy). Man, I don't know why but they suck me in like a freakin vortex.

 

Because they're down to earth, and usually love playin in the mud

 

Looks matter now (I'm not going to lie), but later on not so much.

[Carnatic]

Thanks for the advice... I'm feeling a bit better now, still like a bit of a hypocrite but I went out with C the other evening (there was supposed to be a few of us but the others couldn't make it and joined us later on), it was OK, I was terrified at first that I wouldn't be able to hide my shame and guilt (R hasn't told her what I said) but I calmed down after a bit.

I felt much worse from the start this time than with the other girl who I also rejected partly because C is such a good friend of mine and partly because with the other girl I didn't reject her indirectly through a go-between. I said to her that we weren't going to get into a relationshop and she agreed, so even though my motives had been I wasn't attracted to her I felt OK about it.

 

I'm also starting to think if it was maybe R causing more trouble than an issue is worth... she has a tendency to get overexcited.

 

I don't know about the future though, like what would happen if a girl I was attracted to was clearly attracted to me... I tend to refuse to believe anyone who suggests 'such-and-such' has a thing for me, and if I see signs from the girl herself I tend to refuse to believe that too. I do occasionally think about wanting to have a girlfriend, but I've tried to cut doing that down. I'm aware that I may not ever have a girlfriend but I'm not thinking about it, so that's why I was shocked and a bit scared when R suggested 'I know someone who has a soft spot for you'. I was scared that I might have to reject her (which I did), I was also scared that I might like her and have to try my best not to put her off.

 

Truth is I'm self destructive, if something good did happen to me, like a girl I really fancied, also liked me then I'd surely find some way to keep it from happening. I'd run a mile or more likely just refuse to believe it. In my head I know exactly how I'd behave if I was ever with such a girl and she was making clear indications of interest; but in practice I would probably be scared to assume they were indications of interest (I may be misinterpreting her) and try to carry on as normal. There is a clear gap between theory and practice