If Only

[Jinx]

This post is really just an accumulation of happenings for what is it worth and my handful of problems.

 

Far as the title goes, I've gotten this one statement from both my best friends recently and I'm not sure why and in a way I think I should be complimented but in still another it bothers me extremely.

 

My friend and I were talking about what we want to do family wise in the years to come. She mentions to me the whole husband and kids, thing. Fine by me of course as I'm talking "Wife" and kids. Then she suddenly states out of the clear blue, "I really wish you were a man." Of course as the conversation and comments went on someone telling me I happen to have the wrong plumbing for romance was not quite appealing. Yet in another way she was telling me she loves my personality and who I am.

 

My best male friend, he did this too. In a humorous way but nonetheless, he made a comment about how he wished I were a gay man and how wonderfully compatible we'd be if so.

 

How in the world is one supposed to respond to these comments? The male friend, he does this kind of offbeat humor and comments at times and with the way it was presented it didn't bother me much. I think it is partially the fact he is a man too. The female friend on the other hand I just didn't know whether to be warm or cold it was an odd sensation trying to come up with a response.

 

On a whole other note, my best friend who I have this crush on. This crush as many may know from my posts is like a bad weed that just won't die no matter what you try, it keeps coming up time after time.

 

Any how I told her I wanted a roommate; I told her that I'd like not to be alone at Grad school; I told her how I want to travel. She is taking me up on all three of these. None of these were directed specifically at her either, just general statements.

 

She said that the Grad schools I want to go to have the same major she is interested in with quality programs that she'd like to try applying too, it would look good and I'd be there most probably if all worked out at one of them.

 

She said that if that does work out she'd be more than willing to share rent or bills if I get approved for this small home and land I've been investigating and will one of these days go out and look at in person before making any commitments of course.

 

She offered one of these days when we have a free open summer we should travel where we can afford, two of us.

 

Thats all fine and dandy I suppose BUT she has a boyfriend now I believe. She is being awfully vague about this one. Nonetheless, If I'm right with the guy that she is going out with, he is a lot better off than I am financially and if she went to a Grad school with him and worked out to living together, she'd have it a lot better off than living with her fiscally tight lesbian who if it isn't falling down, not too many holes in the roof and is within budget its liveable and has budget living to an art.

 

It just struck me odd, because if one spoke so highly of whom I presume to be a boyfriend, wouldn't you rather stay where the boyfriend is? More so stay in state where you'd get the In State tuition, cheaper living costs, see your boyfriend daily without doing it LDR style, and get Grad schools of a decent caliber in that major? For that I think she has had some decent offers for in state schools and nonetheless, if she lived with the boyfriend like I mentioned he has a well off family so I don't think they'd be living out in the boonies somewhere just because its cheaper and it isn't a metro apartment place, like I am prone to.

 

More importantly, as the purpose of this section, I don't know as though I could live comfortably with her. I have a horrendous crush, and I've tried just about everything to kill it except admitting to her how I feel and no contact, both of which I have deemed pointless and futile to myself.

 

Yet, this crush will not go away. I think it in part is one reason why I just cannot click with any of these new women I am meeting who are obviously and openly bisexual or lesbians, more so.

 

Needless to say it is really starting to bother me, and I am at my wits end nearly over it. I can't get rid of it by imperfections sake either. I can't really find any fault with her. She has never annoyed me, we never argue, we know the living style of each other too so it isn't like I can use that against her, she has the same ideals as I do, we have the same level of organization and the list goes on. I can find absolutely nothing to do with this problem.

 

On another problematic attraction level, there is a guy who will not leave me alone. I'm thinking eventually I'm going to need a restraining order against him or something drastic. He is not a popular guy, I have nothing against the stereotypical "nerd" as he is down pat but that and his mannerisms do not make him first choice with others. He has the social skills of a cucumber. I really hate being mean about someone but this is no prize winner and no matter what I say, how polite or how harsh it does not sink in. At times he will follow me like a lost puppy.

 

Telling him I am a lesbian does not scare him in any shape or form in terms of his wanting to date me (which he was quite blunt about the attraction, one more turn off, had to be there to get the full effect of his asking out method). I actually think this was a mistake that made him want to pursue me even more, fueled his efforts. He hasn't quite made it to stalker status yet and if I have my way it won't but needless to say, have we had such cases one can reflect on that will work when everything else won't? I'm really not wanting to make a scene of this but my patience which is usually extensive is slowly dwindling via his efforts.

 

Edited: Because fickle wasn't the word I was looking for.

[Tigris]

Is this guy from your school/college?

[Jinx]

Is this guy from your school/college?

 

That he is, yes.

[Tigris]

Is there a teacher or someone at college who can have a word to him on your behalf, someone official?

[Cadence308]

Wow, sounds like you have a bundle of relationship issues on your plate!

 

He has the social skills of a cucumber.

 

As far as I know, cucumbers don't have social skills! LOL Nice description.

 

I'm not sure what I would do about the almost-stalker guy. I would tell him that you are beginning a new relationship and ask him not to contact you any longer, as you are not interested. I think when you make it that blunt and he keeps pursuing you then you should document all contact that you have with him, in case you need to do something serious about it.

 

I do think it's strange that your female friend seems to be in a serious relationship with a man who is financially savy, yet she wants to go away with you to grad school and be roommates and make all these plans traveling. Those are the kinds of things that people do with their significant others and maybe occasionally travel with a friend. Your friend sounds like she could be harboring deeper feelings for you than just a friend or a possible roommate. She sounds like a closet lesbian to me. I am saying this because as you describe your friend I am thinking of myself. Even when I dated men I preferred to be with women. I was just naturally attracted to women. I would have dogged a date or a guy that wanted to date me to spend time with my women friends (even when I was totally in the closet and even when I viewed my female friends as platonic).

 

Also, why is your friend so vague about her boyfriend? Some of my friends have asked me if I was a lesbian and when I asked them why they asked me that they have said because I never talk about men as romantic interests. The fact that she has this serious boyfriend that she rarely talks about is interesting. Do you know if she's ever had a girlfriend or a crush on a woman? I would ask her.

 

As for the questions about plumbing and such, I wouldn't think too much about it. If my female friend would tell me such and say that I was lacking the necessary plumbing I would just say, "There's always double-sided dildos."

[Tigris]

I like your answer about the 'plumbing' Ballys.

[Jinx]

Well wishful thinking at the moment is that I won't see him again, unfortunately that probably won't happen. I'll try talking to him in such a manner as you suggested Ballys, then if he just cannot get the idea I'm going to go the road you both suggested about the situation.

 

Those are the kinds of things that people do with their significant others and maybe occasionally travel with a friend. Your friend sounds like she could be harboring deeper feelings for you than just a friend or a possible roommate. She sounds like a closet lesbian to me.

That was my thought. Since I've recognized the fact I'm a lesbian I've always had at least a minor attraction to her, but not without cause. That is my problem as I've documented in more posts than I have fingers.

 

Before I really started coping with sexuality, I notice now, she'd do things that often are listed in articles and what not about "How lesbians flirt." she actually almost hit the whole list at one point. Yet when she was doing such things I was still in my teeter totter stage of being Homophobic or being in Love with women and I entirely rejected any of this close behavior and acted disgusted by the whole lot she laid upon me.

 

Later on when I opened myself towards it, more accepting. She quit. Out of the blue. She changed her once before somewhat accepting idea of homosexuality.

 

I spent the next years up until I recently came out to her listening to her spewing the homophobic stuff but never at the insanity level I reached in trying to protect myself.

 

We parted our ways for the higher education route with her believing I was still a raging homophobic too.

 

I toned it down and finally quit, when I was content with my sexuality. Then when I came out she acted like she was hurt she wasn't the first to be told and we worked it out eventually though. Yet all the same she had been homophobic before that is why I was worried. Still there were acceptance and rejection assumptions on both sides.

 

Needless to say, we met again in person not too long ago, we needed that make up and catch up time between us.

 

Relating back to being vague, she has been with her boyfriends, always. Like when we did catch up her mother whom is currently hating my guts for all she is worth, enlightened the situation by adding in how she had recently broke up with a man. Then because I, obviously at that moment by steretypical lesbian profiling, her mother knew I was a lesbian she nearly blew her head off at the both of us over it. Not a pretty scenario.

 

She spent forever about how confused she was to feel about homosexuality because the bible says "No" and the humanity side says, "Yes" and what not and so forth.

 

Since then she had been searching for a boyfriend and got one. Like I say, very very murky about the boyfriends and I don't even know the details and don't ask because I don't get much so I don't bother anyhow.

 

Now suddenly she is dating this guy which I think I knew in HS that went to the same University as she, and both have been attending. If it is and I think so, he is a good man and well off, quite a combination that is why it threw me off as well.

 

Yet in the final analysis herein lies the problem. We do happen to have one major difference in our thought and value patterns.

 

She is entirely absolutely stuck to a family oriented, men rule, care for your family before others, follow every word and tradition ways and the bible dictates most. She is a follower. She likes the tried true without controversy.

 

I on the other hand was raised in this environment and thought, "Oh well, if family doesn't like, family doesn't like it. I'm going to be happy." I have a screw tradition kind of attitude to put it crudely and I make my own personal decisions and if it goes with the family thats a plus, I think. I'm independent. For me a little controversy never hurt too much.

 

That is the problem. Despite for all reality purposes I should let go, these little actions, words, wishes, and to-do's are really crushing my ability, to well, end this crush. There is just something about her that will not let me rest my case like I have did with other women that said they were straight, true or not.

 

I often think I'd be better off if she'd be more attached to her boyfriend. More driven to settle down and have a family. Less following of me. But like I say, she is so vague about her boyfriends it is like she either just does not care or doesn't want me to know that much, for whatever reasons. Most women I know, if they had the guy she has right now, they'd be doing at least some parading around or show some sign of life about that novelty romance stage. Far as I can tell, they'd be better platonic roommates than the two of us.

 

Do you know if she's ever had a girlfriend or a crush on a woman? I would ask her.

I've hinted at it before and after the coming out fact, or she has made assumptions or brought it up herself. She has made comments about it would be "Extremely wrong in so many ways" if a woman wanted to kiss her in a mouth to mouth way. She used to insist that people can be gay as long as they're not gay around her. She hasn't said the latter recently, but used to a lot. Then again she used to make openly homophobic statements too and quit that. One reason I didn't come out to her sooner.

 

Yet despite she says all these things she talks as would a man or openly out lesbian flirting/hitting on me. Other times she has asked me odd questions pertaining to being Out and being in love with woman and who I have feelings for. Well I can't quite be honest ("You're my one and only crush. How do you feel?") about it so I have to beat around the bush. Then when she wasn't dating a man and we'd play these crush "games" she'd insist it was no one or if she said someone it was like she was trying to seek my approval of the idea first.

 

All of this confuses me. She insists she wants nothing to do with same sex affection, visually physically mentally so forth yet on the other hand she displays so many things and presents so many questions.

[Tigris]

Jinx how old is she?

 

Do you think once she moves out of her parents house she will change her views? I think she's questioning her own sexuality.

[Jinx]

Do you think once she moves out of her parents house she will change her views? I think she's questioning her own sexuality.

 

Think I worded that improperly, she isn't living with them currently but she is still under their thumb thinking wise. She still manages to receive such a load of stress and pressure from them I don't think she'd change her views unless she went off their radar completely but that is doubtful to happen.

 

She has it embedded that whatever her parents say is the right way. That is one reason she had such a brief problem with me, not knowing how to cope because like she tells me. Her two most important people are (1) her mother (2) me. Of course we are polar opposites.

 

The worst part is, she might as well be living with them. They still influence her decisions so heavily she is an extension yet to cut the apron strings in certain ways. It isn't just the religion she belongs to but the parents plus the religion pushing that does it.

 

Nonetheless, there isn't any real way to approach the topic and get an honest answer from her. I think she'd deny to her dying day if it meant losing the approval of her family.

 

For myself, I've pretty much decided, crush on her or not I need to get on with my life. I think I may need to become slacking on our conversation. Like reverting back to just emails. Because with the more in depth kind of contact it just isn't doing me any good on this crush. I don't want to but think its the last option. See if it helps any.

[Jinx]

Speaking of personal conclusions mine is now, that she is bisexual at best.

 

While I could be wrong, she and I had a conversation that seemed to give her away and the way she was speaking and approaching the topic it didn't seem fluid.

 

Anyhow we got into a conversation which eventually lead to how our parents perceive us in different situations. I went on and told her that when I bring a girlfriend home, if I ever do, parents will accept it or not. They start yelling, not much I can do.

 

She then proceeded on about if she brought a girlfriend home "supposedly", that her parents wouldn't approve thus she can't do that. She has to be with a man. She had a tense change, and I didn't call her on it. She kept herself in the present "how it is" tense.

 

Then I mentioned jokingly what if she brought me home again. She said the parents wouldn't be happy, see how much they'd throw at us and say they'd never see us again. She then went on and laughed and said, no matter how she felt she could never do that to her parents. They've provided too much to displease them now. She said marrying a man of a different religion, race or nationality would be bad enough. A woman is not even to be considered.

 

As I sit here thinking about the conversation, which if I had the transcript of it probably would of proved her slips better than anything else I can try repeating here, and I wonder how long she'll tolerate pleasing her parents.

 

I could be wrong but straight women just don't put themselves in lesbian shoes like that and word it that way. I doubt much more a straight woman would merge in talking as if it were in the here and now; the straight woman I'd assume would keep everything a maybe or possibly or could be sense at the most.

 

Yet for the time being, just having that conversation I guess, caused something in me to pretty much lose interest in her as a crush. I don't know what it was, but since that conversation, I have thought nothing of her in a more than friendly fashion. Which is good for me, now.

 

This may finally be stamped case closed, I don't know, but sounds good enough for me.