A girl likes me. I don't know what to do.

[FoxLocke]

This woman that I've been casual friends with the last two and a half years likes me. She likes me as boyfriend material, not just platonically.

 

I know this because my co-workers are constantly telling me that she talks about me all the time. They said she thinks I'm cute, and that there is chemistry between us.

 

The woman in question comes to my job looking for me. I work in a college setting(as the computer guy, slash English tutor)so my manager is kind of lax. She allows personal phone calls and visitors so long as it doesn't get out of hand. So my friend is taking advantage of this, a little.

At first I would meet her by chance, but I made the mistake of telling her which shifts I work. So now she shows up religiously.

 

Recently, she asked me to go to a concert with her. So I said cool, because I liked the artist. We hung out. We had fun. Everything went off peachy. But she got really close to me--at one moment--like she wanted to kiss. At this point I'm thinking, "Oh * * * *." So I started faux sneezing. Thankfully that worked, and we went home.

 

Furthermore, she calls me up for odd little reasons too. Sometimes she'll just call to talk about absolutely nothing. I usually tell her that I have to go feed my Gerbils or something...Now I don't answer the phone when she calls. I mean sometimes I will but not often, because I am trying to keep her from getting the wrong impression...which she already has.

 

 

Now I feel awkward. I don't know what to do. No one at my job, including her (obviously)knows I'm gay. I prefer to keep it that way. The people I work with are gossip mongers, and I don't care for the majority of them. My co-workers are fine, but there are different departments in the building and some of them have nothing else better to do. So, as far as I'm concerned, they won't know. I am sure some people suspect(because this other gay man that works in the front office, who is overt about his sexuality, flirts with me too), but they won't get it from this horse's mouth. I feel that my private life is my private life and it is nobody's business except close friends and family...

And as far as she's concerned I don't want to tell her because...

 

1.) She gossips alot too. Anything that's juicy she will spread it. I don't trust her with my business. She is a nice person, but gossip is her fatal flaw.

2.) When I met her I was in my extreme denial phase. So I basically tried to convince myself that I was straight...Now, I can't just come out and say,"Oh by the way I'm gay..."

 

I don't know what to do. I am not leading her on, just trying to be a friend. Infact, when I graduate school(which will be in a year)I'll most likely never see her again(she's a pharmacy student and I'm an English Lit major)...So I don't feel any substantial need to be open to her. My work and home life are two separate things.

 

So how can I get her off my back?

[hosswhispra]

Hey FoxLocke,

 

This is definitely not an easy situation. There is no easy way out of this one. She's got real feelings for you. The only thing I can suggest is not to go out to concerts with her anymore, don't take her calls etc. The toughie is that she comes to visit you at work! I don't know how to handle that one without telling her that you're gay (and I understand your reasons for not wanting to do that). If she knows you're gay then she'll totally back off of you. Another thing would be to tell her that you really like her as your friend, but you do not see her in a romantic way (hopefully she'll get the hint). I hope that some others will give you the answers that you need.

[thegirl_00]

Just tell her that your only interested in being friends. Or tell your co-workers that you dont like her like that and to possibly send the message to her. You say you probably wont know this girl in the future so there seems to be no harm in just telling her the plain old truth. If you plan on still wanting to be friends with her because you think shes a cool chic then tell her that.

If you talk to her online maybe send her an email saying you dont have enough time for a relationship or some bs like that lol.

Ignoring her phone calls just seems a little rough and rude. You'd probably be better off just telling her straight up.

[thegirl_00]

p.s. I dont agree that you have to tell her your gay. Thats up to you, and i dont believe you should have to reveal that secret until your ready. There are many excuses you can come up.

[annie24]

You could always say, "I value your friendship, I always have a nice time with you, but you really aren't "my type." I don't feel the romantic chemistry to have a relationship with you."

[annie24]

Recently, she asked me to go to a concert with her. So I said cool, because I liked the artist. We hung out. We had fun. Everything went off peachy. But she got really close to me--at one moment--like she wanted to kiss. At this point I'm thinking, "Oh * * * *." So I started faux sneezing. Thankfully that worked, and we went home.

 

LOL! You are smart!

[KIDD]

I've been in a situation like that before! I'm sort of in one now! But this is about you not me so I'm not going to go there. Anyway I think the best policy is honesty. You don't have to tell her that you're gay but tell her gently that you're really not interested in seeing anybody right now. Tell her that you're too busy consumed in work & other things to possibly even think of a relationship. Hopefully she'll understand this & possibly back off of you I would hope. Ignoring her would be harsh on her feelings. Just let her down gently & of course she may be hurt by it. But it's not fair for her or you to keep going like this. Just let her know so she can move on.

 

Hoped this helps!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Just tell her the truth dude. And I would do it quick before she gets her hopes up too high and posts here asking - "I think he likes me cuz we talk sometimes and he hasn't really said no, but I'm just not sure..."

 

Don't give her any corny lines like, "I just wanna be friends.." Just tell her the truth. You're not interested.

[hosswhispra]

Ignoring her would be harsh on her feelings. Just let her down gently & of course she may be hurt by it. But it's not fair for her or you to keep going like this. Just let her know so she can move on.

 

You have real good intentions, Thakid001. But I am worried that if Foxlocke tells her that he is can't have a relationship with her at this point in time, that she'll wait for him when he's ready (I have done that in the past a long time ago--my first real big crush). Sometimes, one has to be "cruel to be kind". In the short term she'll feel really hurt, when Foxlocke does not hang out with her or take her calls. But in the long run, it may be the best, in that she can move on.

[Jinx]

As others have mentioned there are a couple roads with this situation.

 

(A) You're not interested and have plans for the future thus a relationship is not feasible. Of course if she is that hell bent on you, she'll probably wait her heart out for you to be "ready".

 

(B) You could say you're gay and go away. Yet, if she is a gossip type, the rest of the office will know when you walk in the door the next morning. Nonetheless, she may be nice now but I've met a lot of women who were gossip driven and when they get mad, nothing was below them in rumorville.

 

© You are flattered by her attention but you're not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Period. I think that may end up being the best because it does not give her the gossip opportunity as much as you didn't give the direct reason, nor did you give her the idea that there may be a chance in the future to follow up on.

 

She kind of reminds me of this guy that is bothering me now. Though the difference in the situation is he knows I'm a lesbian and still cannot get the idea to go take a hike. Some people, just don't know what to say about them taking up on certain liberties.

[annie24]

LOL Jinx! The fact that you are lesbian attracts him even more!!!

 

I agree, option C is probably the best. I know if a guy I really liked told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, I would wait for him! Well, at least the old me would. Moderator Annie has heard "I'm not ready" enough by now to know it is just a line...

[Tigris]

I'm sorry FoxLocke but when I first realised it was you I just laughed. No offense intended. I've got a strange sense of humour.

 

Tell her you like her as a friend and like being in her company, but you're sorry she's just not your type and leave it at that.

 

That's the truth but not in too much detail.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with the other posters, just tell her that you like her as a person/friend but you are not interested in her as a relationship and then dont do anything with her that would give her indication/hope that if she waits around that something could work out in the future.

 

I dated my best friend in college (he's a gay guy) and we dated for three years. He was confused with his sexuality and we both went to a Catholic university in a conservative, midwestern city, so he was very afraid to come out about his sexuality. He kind of led me on for three years and came out to me the week he graduated from college. By that time I was really pissed at him because I had stayed out in that city and waited for him to graduate college. He kind of betrayed my belief in him. We are best friends now but for a long time, I was really angry at him because I felt betrayed by him. So, dont let her think anything can come about in the future.

[Cadence308]

This is a tough one. You could avoid her, but that would make things really awkward at work. I would just answer her call next time she calls you and let her know that you value her as a friend, but that you are really into your career right now and are only interested in having a plantonic friendship.

[The Evil Stig]

You can do two things...

 

1. Tell her you're gay

 

2. Smother her

 

By acting the way you are you are being a huge challenge. Even if she was only a little interested at first, now that you're not responding you get her curious and wanting you even more.

 

So if you were to stop seeing her as much and avoiding her, she might get the hint. Or you might make her want you all the more. Almost just to prove to herself that she can get you or to figure out what is 'wrong' with her.

 

Strange, yes, but that's the way it works, you want what you can't have. So if you turned it 180 on her, showed up to her work, call her at least every hour, etc. Soon she will be so turned off by your desperation she will want nothing to do with your seemingly clingy butt.

 

But that is sort of mean. The better route is telling the truth, but it depends if your friendship, or your reputation is more important.

[FoxLocke]

Thanks guys! I just read all the responses...

 

As far as telling her the "real deal" goes that is sorta out of the question at this point. I know that she likes to gossip, and I don't trust her enough. We are more "good aquaintances" than "Friends," so to speak...

 

But I do like just telling her that there is no chemistry between us and that it can go no further than that.

Of course, since she's never seen me with a woman(and the fact that I am an avid fan of America's Next Top Model and American Idol) that may lead her to put two and two together...

 

Since I see no potential for us to be REALLY close(atleast until I'm sure I can trust her)then I don't want to throw out my big motza ball.

 

Because she is becoming more and more...uhm..."invasive." She is showing up where she knows i'll be all the time, and asking me if I want to "hang out."

[lil_kaila]

Because she is becoming more and more...uhm..."invasive." She is showing up where she knows i'll be all the time, and asking me if I want to "hang out."

 

Sounds like you should tell her soon!!! She's stalking you LOL! But yes, like the others have said.... if you can't tell her you're gay at least tell her that you are not interested. Good luck with that!

[annie24]

well, I think just "nipping things in the bud" sooner rather than later is good. And no, you don't have to tell her you're gay, just not interested in her good luck. don't worry, it will be ok.

[hosswhispra]

But I do like just telling her that there is no chemistry between us and that it can go no further than that.

 

Hey Fox,

 

I think that this is the best solution at this point in time. She'll have her answer and be able to move on.