Is this cheating? Girl/Girl situation.

[coma]

I'd like some non-biased opinions here.

 

I've been with my current girlfriend on and off for almost 9 years. We've been together steadily for a little over 2 years now, living together and spending the majority of our time together.

 

During this period, there have been some issues with her getting somewhat intimate with females. I know that is a big plus for a lot of guys, but not so much for me because there was no discussion, I had not approved, was not there, etc.

 

Anyway, I came home the other night and my girlfriend and one of her very good female friends had been drinking all night and were pretty drunk. The lights in the house were off and candles were lit. She and her friend were completely naked in the bathroom taking a bath together. When I came upstairs and asked what was going on, they slammed the door shut and held it that way.

 

Things got pretty bad after that, but that is a whole other story. Anyway, my girlfriend insists this was not cheating because they are just good friends and they didn't "make out" or "touch each other inapropriately". I'm not completely convinced that this is true, or that things would not have escalated had I not come home. If it is true, though, I would still consider it cheating. She is sexually attracted to females and males. She even mentioned that this friend of hers had kissed her on the lips the other night. I would think it would be equal to me taking a naked bath with a good female friend of mine.

 

What are your opinions on this? Is it normal for adult (23) females to take nude baths with their female friends, especially with candles lit?

 

I know that this sounds like a great Penthouse type situation, but it really wasn't like that. Sure, girl/girl is hot. But this was not your typical fantasy situation where I was invloved, or even informed it was happening. I think it is hotter in porn or maybe a one night stand, but not like this.

 

Thanks everyone.

[agent1607307371]

I'm bi and 23 and I wouldn't consider taking a bath with anyone unless something was going on between us.

 

Have you discussed monogamy?

Either way, the fact that this is going on behind your back is just wrong.

[coma]

Yes, we've discussed monogamy. We don't screw around behind each other's backs, that is a strict rule. She insists there was nothing wrong with this.

[Bethany]

This woman is taking the **** out of you. Of course it's not normal. It's as bad as her bringing home a man and taking a candlelit bath with him.

Don't put up with this anymore. If she can't keep her knickers on and show you some respect, especially in your own home, then leave her. You deserve far better than that.

[DN]

We don't screw around behind each other's backs, that is a strict rule.

Which she broke.

 

If nothing was going on why was she naked and taking a bath with her friend? They got too sweaty doing macramé or something?

 

My advice is to walk away from this girl - she's cheating on you.

[7inHeaven]

Well, if we go by a dictionary definition, it's cheating when:

partner is adulterous: not faithful to a spouse or lover

 

and one definition of faithful:

consistently trustworthy and loyal, especially to a person, promise, or duty

 

So, you, Coma, seem to be expressing that your GF wasn't loyal to you when she had this liaison with a woman. So she was "cheating" in your mind. Have you made a committment with your GF to be monogamous? You note that you have had

"some issues with her getting somewhat intimate with females"

 

I'd have to defer to women reading this post, but I'd say that finding your GF nude in the bath with the trappings of a romantic encounter with another woman at the very least leads to questions of faithfulness. If you and your GF agree to have an "open" relationship where she can be "intimate" with other woman while remaining faithful to you as the only man in her life, well that is your option.

 

Also seems from your note that perhaps your partner isn't ready to have a monogomous relationship, but you are.

 

Time to nail this down with your partner before moving on to the next step with her.

 

Enjoy, Mike

[coma]

Which she broke.

 

If nothing was going on why was she naked and taking a bath with her friend? They got too sweaty doing macramé or something?

 

My advice is to walk away from this girl - she's cheating on you.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. The story actually got worse after that, but I'm trying to figure out one thing at a time here. It's tough, though, either way.

[coma]

If you and your GF agree to have an "open" relationship where she can be "intimate" with other woman while remaining faithful to you as the only man in her life, well that is your option.

 

Enjoy, Mike

 

Thanks Mike. No, we have definitely not agreed to anything like that. The big problem here is that she insists she was just being "girly" and "acting like little kids" with the bath thing. Not sure if I'm buying it.

[DN]

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. The story actually got worse after that, but I'm trying to figure out one thing at a time here. It's tough, though, either way.

 

It would help give some context to the advice if you were to tell us what else happened. It can totally alter the situation.

[DN]

Thanks Mike. No, we have definitely not agreed to anything like that. The big problem here is that she insists she was just being "girly" and "acting like little kids" with the bath thing. Not sure if I'm buying it.

I don't buy it at all. Especially because of this

She is sexually attracted to females and males

[agent1607307371]

She is messing with you.

 

Even if she is not having straight up sex with this girl, they are definitely being intimate beyond the normal parameters of friendship.

 

Lose her and find someone who will respect you and back it up through their actions.

[coma]

It would help give some context to the advice if you were to tell us what else happened. It can totally alter the situation.

 

I got mad and yelled pretty loud. My friend was with me, so him and I walked out of the house and went to get in his car to leave. I kicked over a table on my way out, I was pretty mad. She chased me out the the house (still naked, mind you) screaming at me and hitting me in my head and also hitting my friend's car. The neighbors called the police. The cops showed up and took me to jail, because it is policy to arrest both parties in any domestic dispute.

 

I had to bail out. So, now I am facing charges for not doing anything. I'm sure they'll be dropped by the DA as there were witnesses, but that just made for a nice end to a horrible night.

[DN]

Time to leave her. It may be hard but not as hard as staying with her will be.

[DN]

Is this the same girl that you were breaking up with last October? What happened after that?

[agent1607307371]

Definitely get rid of her.

 

I can see why they hid in the bathroom, but while you displayed (an understandable) anger she was physical and that is never right or acceptable, drunk or not.

 

You find her in a candlelit bath with another woman and then get to spend the night in jail?

 

She is not worth the drama.

[tylercdurden2004]

She is sexually attracted to females and males

 

Um you say she is 23 and she was in the bath naked with another woman. Come on even if this wasnt a sexual thing HOW MANY 23 Y/O WOMEN BATH WIHT OTHER WOMEN. I am not talking about change room at teh pool here. Clearly she is taking you for a ride and I cant see how this is not cheating considering it doesnt seem like she has been completely honest with you. You seem to have a different idea about what this relationship is than she does. You have been together for 9 years off and on and steady for 2 of those. It should be pretty clear withthese time frames that this is a manogamous relationship.

 

Woud you feel the same if it was a guy she was with?

 

You're foolish to stay with this girl.

[Iceman26]

This girl sounds like more of a headache than she is worth. Cheating is cheating, and I don't know where people get it in their head that if they get together with a member of the same sex, its not cheating. What the hell does the gender of a person have to do with it?

 

Its one human being in a committed relationship getting together with another human being that isn't in the relationship. I'd call that cheating.

 

Then to run out of your house naked and hitting you and your friends car, getting you arrested, is hardly what I would call "relationship material".

 

You are better than her man.

[coma]

Is this the same girl that you were breaking up with last October? What happened after that?

 

Augh, yeah, same girl.

 

Thanks everyone else for your replies, it is nice to see I'm not crazy here.

[Iceman26]

So what do you think your next move will be Coma?

[coma]

So what do you think your next move will be Coma?

 

Good question. I've been really working on not getting into arguments and waiting to bring things up until I can really think them out. Obviously, our relationship has hit a low where it should never have gone.

 

I've got to think about it, really. But everyone's opinions do help.

[yeawutever]

Seriously you saw it yourself how she cheated and still planning to stay with her!!!!!! Doesn't really make a difference whether she had taken a bath naked with another woman or man, anything done in an intimate way (which she did) is cheating. Then I would suggest you get tested for STD's, she's not really telling the truth.

"Just a bath with a friend", nope, don't buy that either. If it was just that try asking her how she would react if she were to find you taking "just a friendly bath" with a good female friend of yours??

[Iceman26]

Keep in mind Coma, that your girlfriend could possibly be bringing a host of diseases to you, since she seems to engage in this behavior quite frequently.

[mmmending]

... The lights in the house were off and candles were lit. She and her friend were completely naked in the bathroom taking a bath together.

Whether "friction sex", was involved or not, your partner and her friend were creating some kind of special intimate atmosphere for themselves.. this to me is sort of at the heart of making love.

 

Yes, we've discussed monogamy. We don't screw around behind each other's backs, that is a strict rule. She insists there was nothing wrong with this.

...not behind your back...

 

When I came upstairs and asked what was going on, they slammed the door shut and held it that way.

...your partner prefers to do it behind closed doors.

 

Based on what you've posted, not hearing much in the way of remorse or atonement from the partner.

 

If it were me, I'd be inclined to trust my instincts on this one.

[DN]

Does she understand your point of view on this at all or is she just expecting you to accept hers?

 

Did she spend the night in jail and has she been charged with anything?

[flower99]

hi there,

Okay this is my first time ever responding, first time ever on this site & actually you are the reason I registered. I was browsing & ended up on this site & was drawn to your story because It's was my situation.

I've been there having that problem with my boyfriend. I'm attracted to women & my bf isn't okay with it. He sees it as cheating. I've asked him for permission to be with a women (me trying to get what I want of both worlds) & it kills him when i asked. I havent' always understood it like he does, but i do now. Just because you think something you doesn't mean do it. It's a dangerous step, if you agree to her being with women and she enoys it (like wil)...it won't just be once, it will happen again. & where do you draw the line. You can't keep feelings out of sex forever (between the women) You can't deny that it is cheating. You are right to be questioning this, My bf was right to.

She's attracted to girls & playing with fire, if she hasn't had sex with her friend yet (or another girl), she will. You don't get naked with another women in the tub unless you desire to see the other women naked. That's a fine line she is walking & hard to believe she did cross it in the tub (and that she left you completely out of any knowledge of this is very questionable) There is nothing "girly" about it (the only time we bathed with other girls was when our mothers undressed us & stuck us in the tub)

 

You are in a * * * *ty position, either accept that she will be with other women (cause she is walking that line & about to cross the line. If she hasn't already) Or leave her and find yourself a wonderful women that can respect you, love you & be completely faithful to you with her mind & body.

I guess it depends on what you are looking for.

but that you came on here with this problem, tells me you only need confirmation. I wish the best for you!