Hopeless...

[VictorWard]

This is kind of an aimless post... just some stuff I need to get out somewhere.

For about the past 13 years, my life has been a constant void. The few emotions I feel, have either been based in fear, guilt, or jealously. I'm pretty sure that I was happy as a child, but that was a long time ago. Just about all the time, my life is void of any emotion... just a constant empty feeling.

 

Lately, the idea of death has been on my mind quite a bit. Occasionally, I do think of suicide, but mainly it's about how dying wouldn't even be a big deal. Temporary pain (maybe even no pain), but then its over ... not that big of a deal. Seems like the easiest way to solve problems. I know that I would probably never commit suicide, but the thoughts are definitely there. But learning to live with crappy feelings is just something a person gets used to.

 

I know I would leave behind a mother and brother, but they are a large cause to my current state of mind, so I really don't care. I have a girlfriend of almost 4 years, and she is almost as bad as my mother the way she uses guilt to manipulate me. At this point it's pretty much either I die, or stick out the relationship to the end.

 

...

[Yvette84]

Hi,

your post really got my attention and I have a few questions. First, why don't you just leave the realtionship your in if she is so bad to you? and second, I have felt as you have before, and everyone was always talking to me about God, and I was like "whatever" but when I did become a christian, everything changed and got better. it was crazy!!

I don't know how you feel about all that, I couldn't really tell by your quote. but when all else fails, God is the only thing I found that will always help. Anyways, just my personal experiance, along with others I witnessed like yourself (and how I used to be) if you have any questions or comments feel free to write back

[doyathink]

Hi,

your post really got my attention and I have a few questions. First, why don't you just leave the realtionship your in if she is so bad to you? and second, I have felt as you have before, and everyone was always talking to me about God, and I was like "whatever" but when I did become a christian, everything changed and got better. it was crazy!!

I don't know how you feel about all that, I couldn't really tell by your quote. but when all else fails, God is the only thing I found that will always help. Anyways, just my personal experiance, along with others I witnessed like yourself (and how I used to be) if you have any questions or comments feel free to write back

ditto, this has saved me countless times!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Some of us believe that God is just far too flawed a concept to be possible, though.

 

So it's up to us to create our own personal meaning. I definitely agree that ending your reltaionship is a good idea, it does not sound healthy in the slightest..do you suspect you have a masochistic streak? As it seems like you know what you must do to help yourself, but you don't. Figure out why you keep yourself in a position in which you suffer.

 

Try and find something to do that would give you an increase in positive emotion, or at the very least, distract you from the rubbish ones.

[VictorWard]

Hi,

your post really got my attention and I have a few questions. First, why don't you just leave the realtionship your in if she is so bad to you? and second, I have felt as you have before, and everyone was always talking to me about God, and I was like "whatever" but when I did become a christian, everything changed and got better. it was crazy!!

I don't know how you feel about all that, I couldn't really tell by your quote. but when all else fails, God is the only thing I found that will always help. Anyways, just my personal experiance, along with others I witnessed like yourself (and how I used to be) if you have any questions or comments feel free to write back

I can't just leave my relationship. I've already done that once, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She cried for hours and hours, and yelled and screamed at me. Then we got back together a month later. Now I'm stuck; probably for good.

 

She's completely emotionally dependent on me. She'll cry the instant she thinks something's wrong, or if I try to be honest with her. So I've just settled into a groove of lies. If she asks if I'm happy, the answer is yes. It doesn't matter if it's a complete lie, just so long as I don't have to deal with her emotions. Same goes with if she asks if she makes me happy. I'm just telling her what she needs to hear. We've been together for 4 years. In fact, we have an upcoming anniversary, and I'm likely to fake my way through that. It's ridiculous; she has no idea how I really feel, because she's not emotionally able to handle it. Only seems fitting that emotionally damaged people will find each other.

 

Although I do know that I need to break up with her, it's just pointless. I'll never get rid of her. She has nobody else, just like me; we're each other's only friends. We're destined to live a life of misery together. Unless I end up dead somehow, which really isn't a terrible idea.

 

As for the God idea, it's not for me.

[stolenshadow]

There's no need to give up on what you want, maybe you can't have everything you ever wished for but there are some things you have a saying in making them happen.

 

That there is only one girl or friend for you at the moment is not saying anything about what you can have in the future.

If you want a healthy relationship go ahead, find it, leave this girl sort her demons.

 

I'm sure you heard the line of the "teach a man how to fish", this girl has no clue how to fish, and for as long as somebody is doing the fishing for her (emotionally) she won't learn, so you need to stop repressing yourself and stop doing things that will put you in a miserable position.

 

You possibly feel you deserve anything, but it's not true, you deserve to be happy, to feel okay with the life you are living.

 

The guilt trip you mentioned with your mother sounds just like the relationship with your girlfriend, but you have to talk to them, if you don't put an end to it, if you don't say "I feel this way when you say that" nobody else will say it for you.

 

Once thoughts of suicide appear it's good to consider therapy, nobody needs you dead, so just take one step, any step you want but in a "happier living" direction, if something is not towards there don't take the step and stay wherever you are, the point is that little by little, whenever you feel like doing it, you can make your life better.

 

There is always hope, your life can't change overnight, but it can change.

[sad_me]

I find myself often asking my boyfriend similar questions that your g/f asks you and he tells me straight which is really upsetting but he's honest with it and that makes me feel better in the long run. I know i'm a nightmare for him, but thats because i worked it out or he's told me, but i now think before i say stuff to him or i put myself in his position and i realise i don't need to be so insecure. You say you can not get out of this relationship even though it would be better for you, but to me it sounds like you want to be with her, the only way you can make it work with her is if you tell her straight and tell her your feelings, i can't survive holding things in, i often get thoughts that im unhappy and it wouldn't matter if i wasn't around anymore, but i talk more and it seems to help. I still have problems but everyone does, i'm sure if your g/f loves you and cares for you then she will listen to you. you are the most important thing in her life, if she can't listen then whats the point?

[VictorWard]

I can't exactly argue with sound advice, but breaking up with her will ruin her life. I have no doubts about that. She's pushing me for an engagement ring, and I want to get out of the relationship. She already has severe abandonment issues, and I could never point those out.

As for therapy, that sounds expensive. I'm way too cheap for that.

 

 

 

 

I really don't want to be with her. I just want her to be able to make it on her own. If she was able to make it on her own, then I wouldn't feel obligated to be there for her. As for holding things in, it's just something that's been done over a lifetime; it's probably the soul reason that the relationship is still going.

And I'm not even so sure that she even loves me. She may just be infactuated with the idea that a male is not leaving her.

 

Not sure what else to add to this...

[Bethany]

There seems to be alot of self-pity in you. Isn't it time you took control of your own life instead of playing the poor guy who can't escape?

 

You already left her once and you took her back not because she cried, you took her back because you wanted to. Nobody held a gun to your head, nobody forced you to take her back. The decision was ultimately yours, however much you blame her influence.

 

The decisions you make in your life are your own and if you feel like you have made a mistake in taking her back, then you must toughen up and end it for both your sakes.

 

Ask yourself this.... Would YOU want someone to stay with you because they pity you? Because that's what you are doing to her, and because you are doing that... you are pitying yourself and blaming her for you having to stay.

 

Respect this woman, and set her free to find someone who WILL love her, and who WANTS to spend the rest of their life with her.

[Taomagicdragon]

Forgive me in advance if I seem harsh, but you need some tough love.

 

GET!!

OVER!!

YOURSELF!!

](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

 

That's the first obstacle in your way: you.

 

You're in a relationship soley to get her to "make it on her own" so what do you do? You lie to her to save face, which is exactly what it is, and to avoid a fight. That does nothing but increase the dependency to an unhealthy point.

 

A relationship that is based on lies and needs lies to sustain itself is not a relationship at all. What will happen if you do marry her? She's in a fantasy world and your keepign her there.

 

You BOTH need to get into the real world and deal with pain, bad feelings, and grow stronger because of them. You both need therapy or help of some kind and to say you are too cheap for that is saying you are too cheap for yourself. THAT enforces the worthless feeling you both have and that, in turn, is the reason you both are dependent on the other (yes, you are leaning on her too, if you weren't, the truth of how you feel would have come out a long time ago) which only traps you both that much more.

 

Spend the money necessary to make your life better. If you can't communicate with her, then let her down gently and let her go, get help for yourself and, if able, help for her too.

 

Don't shortchange yourself or the changes you made will be short-lived.

 

PS: I disagree with your sig completely, my father did many terrible things to me and I think him more akin to the Devil than to God

[stolenshadow]

I can't exactly argue with sound advice, but breaking up with her will ruin her life. I have no doubts about that. She's pushing me for an engagement ring, and I want to get out of the relationship. She already has severe abandonment issues, and I could never point those out.

As for therapy, that sounds expensive. I'm way too cheap for that.

 

 

Even if other people have replied about this I feel I must say a couple of things anyway.

 

Breaking up with your girlfriend won't ruin her life, imagine she's a little girl who can't walk and you think that by holding her in your arms she'll be okay forever, if you put her down she will fall BUT she will also have the chance of learning, by denying her that option you are really doing her harm.

 

She has abandonment issues, okay, but those issues are hers, not yours, your issues are the ones you must be paying attention to.

 

Therapy is not always expensive, it's free in many places, I don't know how things work there in the USA so I can't give you more info, but as far as I know support groups are free, look for one in your area or dial a crisis line, I'm sure they can re-direct you.

 

Take care of yourself.

[VictorWard]

You BOTH need to get into the real world and deal with pain, bad feelings, and grow stronger because of them. You both need therapy or help of some kind and to say you are too cheap for that is saying you are too cheap for yourself. THAT enforces the worthless feeling you both have and that, in turn, is the reason you both are dependent on the other (yes, you are leaning on her too, if you weren't, the truth of how you feel would have come out a long time ago) which only traps you both that much more.

...

 

PS: I disagree with your sig completely, my father did many terrible things to me and I think him more akin to the Devil than to God

Well first, there's no way I'm going to be marying this girl. She's been pushing for a long time, but it's not happening. That is something I can stick to.

 

I disagree that I'm dependent on her. And I did break up with her once, so I did tell the truth (took a few hours, but it happened).

 

As for my signature, I didn't come up with it, it's a quote from Fight Club. The main part of it is the last sentence about absent fathers: "And if you never know your father, if your father bails out and dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God?"

 

 

Breaking up with your girlfriend won't ruin her life, imagine she's a little girl who can't walk and you think that by holding her in your arms she'll be okay forever, if you put her down she will fall BUT she will also have the chance of learning, by denying her that option you are really doing her harm.

 

She has abandonment issues, okay, but those issues are hers, not yours, your issues are the ones you must be paying attention to.

 

Therapy is not always expensive, it's free in many places, I don't know how things work there in the USA so I can't give you more info, but as far as I know support groups are free, look for one in your area or dial a crisis line, I'm sure they can re-direct you.

 

Take care of yourself.

I'm pretty sure that therapy isn't free here, and I definitely wouldn't want to claim it on my health insurance at work (don't want a record of that).

[Spugly Fuglet]

but breaking up with her will ruin her life. I have no doubts about that.

Are your 100% shour of that, some one did that to me and well my lifes not that bad now, yes I miss them but I used the pain of there rejection to make me I hope a better man, and I know for a fact I would not be doing the stuff im doing now if they had not thrown me away like a wet rage never to think about me again ever.

 

So braking you is not that bad.

 

As for gods and the like, I'm a Teoist and find that having belief in the Teo helps just as well and any good head and the for less giult.

[Invicta]

Hey bud, based on what you've said in this thread, your situation and mine are very similar. I'm going to tell you a little about my own life because I think it may give you a different way to see yourself. I also feel void of emotion and have trouble connecting with others, I have very little ambition for the future, and suicide is a prospect that's becoming more and more apealing to me.

 

One thing I noticed in particular is that you talk a lot about how bad others are making your life and seem to ignore your own part of the equation. People become suicidal when they feel powerless to improve their situation, usually because they feel controlled by people around them. You should think about how this habit of feeling controlled by others is affecting your life. If you make no effort to change things then it's no wonder your life is going the wrong way. I know it's hard to get motivated and sometimes you don't even know know where to start... but in the end it's up to you to find new things to distract you from the endless void.

 

You should also take a deeper look at your relationship with this * * * * *y needy girl. If you've been going out for as long as you say, then you're probably in love with her. I had a relationship like that. The girl was a royal pain in the * * *, but she seemed to be emotionally dependant on me and I truly cared about her so I stuck with it. I had this idea that I could slowly ween her off of me by slowly putting up emotional barriers. Over time I became more and more depressed because I felt trapped and was unhappy with my life. You cant live a fake life without changing in some way... over time those barriers became walls and my personal ambitions and dreams drained away. Eventually... my plan worked... the girl got a grip and left me because I had become a looser. Thats the point where I realized how important she was to me, and how much I had messed things up. So there I was... depressed, alone, and with no ambition in life. Thats how I'v been for about two years now, and yes, suicide often looks pretty good.

 

My advice to you is to figure out the factors in your life that are producing negative results. Clearly the stressfull family and girlfriend are part of it, but you're probably stuck in a daily routine that isn't working for you. I know you have no ambition or energy to motivate you to change your life. Thats why you have to force yourself. Do something, anything, different from whatever you've been doing now. It takes time... but eventually you build new interests and develop the will and courage to stand up to the harder things in your life (By that I mean you need to stop lying to your girlfriend). You need to make the effort to work things out, or conclude that it's not going to work. Believe me.. its better than loosing someone the wrong way and taking two miserable years to figure out that you loved them.

[VictorWard]

In response to the last two replies...

I am 100% sure that breaking up with her will ruin her life. She doesn't have any friends either, and she isn't very emotionally stable (she is completely emotionally dependent on me). Currently, we are spending the weekend apart and she is guilting me right now about how we're not together. The guilt-trip is continuing because I don't miss her as much as she misses me.

 

...I also feel void of emotion and have trouble connecting with others, I have very little ambition for the future, and suicide is a prospect that's becoming more and more apealing to me.

I know that for me, it took a while, but once the idea of suicide was planted, it just grew slowly until it has reached a point where it doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

 

One thing I noticed in particular is that you talk a lot about how bad others are making your life and seem to ignore your own part of the equation. People become suicidal when they feel powerless to improve their situation, usually because they feel controlled by people around them. You should think about how this habit of feeling controlled by others is affecting your life. If you make no effort to change things then it's no wonder your life is going the wrong way. I know it's hard to get motivated and sometimes you don't even know know where to start... but in the end it's up to you to find new things to distract you from the endless void.

Makes sense. However, for me to get rid of this external crap, my girlfriend and family would have to magically disappear forever. Then I might have a chance.

 

You should also take a deeper look at your relationship with this * * * * *y needy girl. If you've been going out for as long as you say, then you're probably in love with her. I had a relationship like that. The girl was a royal pain in the * * *, but she seemed to be emotionally dependant on me and I truly cared about her so I stuck with it. I had this idea that I could slowly ween her off of me by slowly putting up emotional barriers. Over time I became more and more depressed because I felt trapped and was unhappy with my life. You cant live a fake life without changing in some way... over time those barriers became walls and my personal ambitions and dreams drained away. Eventually... my plan worked... the girl got a grip and left me because I had become a looser. Thats the point where I realized how important she was to me, and how much I had messed things up. So there I was... depressed, alone, and with no ambition in life. Thats how I'v been for about two years now, and yes, suicide often looks pretty good.

I was in love with her at one point, but that faded. By that time, there was way too much guilt to leave. Now, I just have an obligation to be there for her. I have been trying to put up emotional walls for months, but all that leads to is more conversations about why I don't share feelings.

 

My advice to you is to figure out the factors in your life that are producing negative results. Clearly the stressfull family and girlfriend are part of it, but you're probably stuck in a daily routine that isn't working for you. I know you have no ambition or energy to motivate you to change your life. Thats why you have to force yourself. Do something, anything, different from whatever you've been doing now. It takes time... but eventually you build new interests and develop the will and courage to stand up to the harder things in your life (By that I mean you need to stop lying to your girlfriend). You need to make the effort to work things out, or conclude that it's not going to work. Believe me.. its better than loosing someone the wrong way and taking two miserable years to figure out that you loved them.

Good advice. I actually have a a decent routine; I have hobbies and I go to the gym. I'm just missing friends. As for my girlfriend, I just wish she wasn't completely dependent on me to provide her happiness. If she had some friends then I don't think I would have as much of a problem.

[Fatality]

Look at it this way: You may only have one shot at life, you may as well try your best to fix it, doing whatever you must to get some happiness, if you dont even like that girl....just leave her!She is making you miserable. Maybe you should go on Holiday, must be cold in Canada....

[VictorWard]

Look at it this way: You may only have one shot at life, you may as well try your best to fix it, doing whatever you must to get some happiness, if you dont even like that girl....just leave her!She is making you miserable. Maybe you should go on Holiday, must be cold in Canada....

Ok ... first of all ... the climate in my part of Canada is comparable to the climate of New York City. Second... it seems like I can get that advice from many different sources and it seems like the logical solution to this problem. However, I'm guessing this normally deals with a girl who can control her own life, and has friends of her own. Unfortunately, the girl I'm dealing with has no friends outside of me, and is emotionally unstable. I hope that this makes sense... I've been drinking all night, and I it's very possible that this is complete gibbirish. Cheers

[Invicta]

I see two big issues in your situation with this girl.

 

#1. You don't talk to her openly about your problems.

#2. You are scared she is too dependant on you to break up with her.

 

the first step to fixing #2 is fixing #1. Talk to her, both about your problems and hers. I don't buy the "she won't listen, she gets too * * * * *y" argument. If you are truly miserable then at some point you would have taken a risk.

 

Let me ask you this... Why do you feel so strongly that you are responsible for emotionally maintaining this person. Going even further... are you not actually doing her a disservice by keeping her in a mentally dependant state?

 

There must be something you like about this situation. Take a look at yourself and figure out if maybe you're turned on by the prospect of someone being obsessed with you.

 

You said you've become a heavy drinker. Whenever I get drunk and try to think about my problems I just get fukin depressed. Try loggin on this site when you're sober, see if anything looks different. When you do get drunk and depressed, try writing yourself a message about what you're thinking and read it the next day. You will be amazed by what you find.

[renthead]

I don't think you've found what to live for yet. When you find your purpose in life, you're going to have the passion for it and you won't always feel depressed.

[Spugly Fuglet]

There are two ways this can go for you,

 

1: you level, dead or live you walk away from the relationship it dos not really matter as she will be with out you and your her.

 

2: You exsepte the realtionship is doomed as it now stands, over, dead pushing up dazes in the here after. But your stil with her so why not start to forge a new realtion ship beteen your selfs. Look at what you do and dont like and sit her down. Tell it all but say from the start THINGS MUCH CHANGE or its ca-put of you two. You could write a letter to each other over a week say. then come Sat give them to each other, read them and then sunday talk.

 

There is no reasion why if you like your GF but hate the form of relationship you have that you should not try and change its form befor walking away.

 

I would say try that 1st and see how it gos.

[VictorWard]

One of the things that I'm not good at is explaining myself, expressing myself, or writing more than a few sentences at once (this post took about an hour to write)

Why do you feel so strongly that you are responsible for emotionally maintaining this person?

I feel that I'm responsible for emotionally maintaining this girl because she has demonstrated time and time again that the needs it. I don't know how to describe it, but it's in the way she acts. The way she practically cries when I go out and do something without her. She asks me what to do all the time, even for the most insignificant crap that I have no way of solving. Not to mention that occasionally she is financially dependent on me and owes me a lot of money, and will never be able to pay me back.

There must be something you like about this situation.

I really don't like this situation. It's like a prison. I've been under the emotional rule (by way of guilt) by a woman for my entire life (mom, then this girl). I've never had an oppourtunity to try to make it on my own, and I want it. It's not that I hate the girl (although there are moments when I do); but I will only grow increasingly depressed if I don't see what else is out there. I have only had two girlfriends in my lifetime (and a very lacking social life), and both of them initiated the relationships. Granted, back then I had absolutely no self confidence, and it's quite possible that I would fail miserably on my own, but I still feel that I need to go out and try things on my own. As for purpose in life, I've never understood that one. I don't see how there is any purpose in life; just to pass your genetic material, and move on. I know that some people's purpose in life is to maintain family ties, or whatever ... but that's not happening with my family.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Now fight some more VictorWard fight for your life, a better richer one thats just there all you need do is start walking

[bubzley]

No thats right when your feeling that way think how lucky you are.... there are far worse people than yourself.... but that doesnt mean your problems are any less hurtful they are but you and get through them and deal with them and life will get better....

[Spugly Fuglet]

hows it going hope your doing well

[VictorWard]

hows it going hope your doing well

No, I'm just accepting that I will never end up making any changes to better my situation. I'll just end up accepting the crappiness of my life. I'm sure there's a word for it; 'coward' comes to mind. I still don't care if I live or die ... it really doesn't make a difference. Oh well...