Read before you pull the trigger

[Hurting4Sure]

Hi, I usually post on another section but was looking around and found this section and wow there are some sad folks here. Here is my background, when I was 16 I was dumped by the "love of my life" as a lot of us were back then, and of course life sucked because I was 16. So I took some heart medicine of my mothers, and as I was feeling all warm and starting to fall asleep, something got me to call 911. Well a short time later, a stomach pumping, and a stay in intensive care, so much had changed!! I was still 16, life still sucked and the girl was still dumping me!! Certainly that all would have changed if I had died? Right?

 

This is my point, I now have 2 beautiful girls, the real girl of my dreams has dumped me and sometimes, life does suck, but if I die nothing will change any of that!! I think a lot of people want to kill themselves because they want to hurt in someway somebody. I know a girl at my work, having problems with her boyfriend, broke it off and got a call from him one evening, and he just blew his head off while talking to her! NOw what was the point in that!! Sure she felt bad, I am sure she feels bad today, but she is still dating someone else, life for her went on, she is not dwelling on hid death, so what was the point?

 

Here I guess is my point, and this is what I thought about a lot after my attempt. One why does hardly anyone ever try twice? That's not my real point, just thought I would throw that in there. My real point is if you are thinking about it right now do me a favor. Look out your window, see that car parked there, or that traffic, or the rain? Turn on the TV see the news at 10, or see Tom Cruise coming out with a new movie? See your friend and family, see that stop sign at the corner, well guess what? Pull the trigger, take the pills, whatever and the next day that is still all going to be there! Nothing will change, except you the person that could not take the "bad times" will be gone. People will be sad for awhile, but then they will not give a sh** much more. You will get a memorioum in the paper on your birthday, when you died etc.

 

All that for what? Cause you were having a bad day? Nothing will change, life goes on for everyone else, that girl will still date other people. Why take yourself out completely. I know it's been said before, but its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's just that simple.

 

Just my two cents worth!!

Don't kill me for it!!

[ocrob]

That is so true and I agree, but that person probably is not concerned about the other half who is daitng. I would say that you should think about your parents or loved ones. The main reason I could never committ suicide is because I could never do that to my parents or good friends. My mom's dad did it and a good friend of the family did it. I just could never hurt the people I love so much. It is truly a selfish gesture. I have thoght about the consequences and just could never put my family through that. I say that if things get that bad, then make a major change in your life because you have nothing to lose.

[Dako]

Glad you're doing well.

IMHO, some people struggle with a bad day almost every day, not just once in a while. They aren't reacting to a rare and painful spike in the crapometer, but live with constant pain.

[JazzyGirl]

I somehow feel compelled to reply to this post. I'm not even sure what I'm going to say. I'm just allowing my fingers to do that talking at this moment. Of course, right now, I'm going through a crisis - right now, in the sense of this very minute. Anyways, that's not the point. I am also not attempting to "kill you" for your 2 cents worth as I am often one to place in my two cents where I feel compelled to do so.

 

Anyways, I believe it was said above. Some people have a bad day everyday. Other people - it's not merely a thought of being dumped by someone... and it's not about an idea of how the world would stop without them. Ok, I'm switched to first person - seeing as I have, more the once, qualified as sucidial. For me, and I can only speak for me... it's a hell of a lot more then that. It's almost like a permanent bad day that rewinds and plays over and over again - and yes, it's not the same day, but it's the same damn stuff over and over again. It's the break up and the lies and the pain and the lonliness and the assault and the heartache and the lack of really anything worthwhile around me. The idea that one's own flesh and blood could be completely oblivious and even, if not oblivious, just not give a damn. The idea that if those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, don't, then what's the point? And that lack of unconditional love being only the tip of the iceberg - the very large iceberg.

 

I don't think, for most suicidal people, that it's one instance or one break up or one heartache as it seems like is implied here. If I have it wrong, I apologize and if I am offensive, I also apologize. I have been told that I can be a bit brass... landing me the title of the "B" word more then once, of course.

 

As for the whole attempt thing - you say, "why does hardly anyone ever try twice?" - well, perhaps, those who do not try twice, or more, have succeeded in finding what they needed to find - help or hope or something. Personally, I've tried... I'd say... at least four times - never needing a hospital and never succeeding, of course. You would think that would jolt me into a state of "I'm here for a reason" and in some ways it does, but the pain I've been experiencing lately has been greater then the "I'm here for a reason" thought. The pain that I'm even feeling at this moment is greater then the afore mentioned thought. This is how I landed on this forum tonight. Searching frantically for a way to keep away from teh booze and pills - something that's immensely diffcult at the moment. I search for someone to call - a "Friend" but the sad thing is, in all the phone numbers in my cell phone, there's no one to call - no one that I could depend on or talk to. I find that sad. Anyways, I'm off topic and rambling slightly - I have a tendency to do that.

 

I don't know how well I really stuck to anything at all. I guess i just needed to get some of this out. I suppose I'll search for some sleep and hope that helps keep me from self-harm that I so desire to inflict at this moment... however... deep down... I know that it still won't work this time and I hate the idea of spending 72 hours in a Baker Act. Go figure. It's quite possibly a new low when one realizes that they can't even kill themselves correctly. I hope that I haven't depressed anyone too greatly. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Killing yourself over a relationship really is stupid, I agree in that respect.

 

If you want to kill yourself because of your frequently depressive personality and everyday battles against depression..I wouldn't condemn anyone who did that.

 

When I get suicidal, it's not because I've lost someone, or Something Happened, or Im afraid of getting older, or whatever. It's because for as long as I can remember I've just found daily living a struggle, I've "started over" so much, blah blah blah...of course the world would still turn and there would be movies and so forth, but that doesn't change the fact I wouldn't be there. I don't want to change the world, I just don't want to be in it.

[Hurting4Sure]

I was not necessarily saying "just a break-up" is enough to kill your-self, but that may me the deciding factor, the last straw for example. Life sometimes does suck! And for Jazzygirl, you have friends, that is why you are on this board, all these people care about you. Life could not have always sucked, Jazzygirl does not sound like a depressive screen name to me? And don't take offense to this, but if you have tried 4 times, then well guess what, you suck at that too!

 

The fact that you tried 4 times and did not do it should be reason enough to realize it's not the answer. These feeling will change, it's like High School, it sucked for the most part, looking back now you could care less what anyone thought. Come back here in 1-2 years, read your posts and you will be thinking "what the hell was I doing?" Feelings, moodes, everything changes, it will get better!! Did you want to kill yourself at 10 years old? 12? Why not? And for ANtiLove daily life is a struggle, if it was'nt then it would really suck!! That would be boring, without bad times, how would you know you were having good times?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yes but...I don't really HAVE many good times at all.

 

But I admire the spirit in which your thread was composed.

[Kevin T]

News flash: I have no desire to hurt anybody by killing myself. I honestly don't think anyone would care. I don't want to hurt anyone at all.

 

Permanent solution to a temporary problem? Actually, life is a temporary state anyway, and for some people (such as myself) some of the problems are NOT temporary (except for the fact that we will all eventually die and those problems will be gone anyway, but I doubt if that was how you meant it).

 

Bottomline is: If someone wants to end their life, it's their choice, they have their reasons (I have mine) and it can almost be thought of as a good thing. It's one less whiny, annoying person complaining about their petty problems, right?

[JazzyGirl]

I just must say AMEN to Kevin T.

 

Hurting4Sure - I absolutely do apparently suck at that too. Hence my inability to really do anything correctly. So, yes, thank you for pointing out yet another thing I'm a failure at; however, I've already figured that out. Some people call me lucky - a miracle even... not needing a hospital, just having my body apprently process the toxins somehow... but I see... FAILURE - big bold letters.

As for the friends thing, you mention this forum. This is not really a friendship. There's no one on here that I can pick up the phone and call, no one to go out for coffee with, or the movies, or to their house... that's a friend. The person who's there for you and whom you are there for - this is what I have none of so forgive me if I bypass the idea that people on a forum might care about some depressed chick living in, most likely, another state - far, far away. It's merely words on a screen to most people here. That's it. Just black text on a screen that they read and perhaps sympathize with, but really, in their daily lives, is it that significant? I doubt it. I certainly doubt that within 2 or 3 or 10 hours of reading this that anyone will be thinking of this message or me. I hate to sound so cynical or sad or bitter or whatever... I'm having a terrible night on top of the recent times that haven't been too great. perhaps, in a year or two, I'd come back and read this and wonder what I was thinking, but perhaps not. There's no way to know that for sure (aside from the obvious... time), and if I reflect upon my life... I highly doubt that within a year or two that I should feel differently - that is, if the past is any indication, which it usually is.

 

Oh and by the way, there's some confusion in your response. Could be just that I'm a bit muddled tonight because I've been so upset. You stated:

 

" And don't take offense to this, but if you have tried 4 times, then well guess what, you suck at that too! The fact that you tried 4 times and did not do it should be reason enough to realize it's not the answer."

 

I do take some offense to that because it seems to be kind of rude and insensitive. I tried four times and four times... nada. I think it may've been more then four but I'm not totally sure at this point. But anyways, yes, I know, I'm a failure, yada yada yada - nothing I haven't heard plenty of. Ok, so... let's see how... or if... tonight goes. Have a good one.

[Hannibal]

Once again I didn't read the whole post just the first few messages.

 

I agree totally with the first one.

 

However in regards to a bad day everyday....

 

Having a bad day is all in your mindset.

 

I found that when I was really depressed I didn't laugh very much at what happened during my day. Now that I'm feeling better I find myself laughing at a lot of things that I see during my days, I actually have a lot of fun just going through my day.

[Dako]

However in regards to a bad day everyday....

 

Having a bad day is all in your mindset.

 

 

So I assume you don't believe in clinical depression? You might consider that others might not have your luck. It's real.

[sad_me]

I have often thought everyone would be better off without me, and i won't have to go through these problems, but i want so much out of life that when i really sit back and think should i even be here, the answer is yes. It doesn't matter who you are there is someone out there who cares about you even if you have no one.Last night i was angry, my anger takes me over i get so upset because my head just fills itself with stupid thoughts and over analyzed stuff it really makes me angry. Anyway when i was lying there in bed last night trying to go to sleep wishing ym head wasn't going 10000 miles an hour i thought about doing something to stop that. But i calmed myself down thought about what i really want to do, and fell asleep. Fair enough you may think life really is bad for you, but if you've got your health and you've got a smile in their somewhere then you'll be fine. If you have a problem then sort it out because there are so many more ways out there to make life better than to make life short.

and Jazzygirl- you're not a failure and i don't think thats what anyone here is saying, you're saying it because you're letting it happen, i may not know you, but i'm sure you are not a failure.

[Hannibal]

I believe in clinical depression. I deal with it because I have it.

 

You know what? Your mind has the power to make you feel extremely crappy but it also has the power to make you extremely happy.

 

There are lots of things that you can do to battle with depression.

 

You just need to find that reason to do it.... and i know its hard when you're depressed but it can be done.