Did I screw up?

[confusedinla]

Hello all...

 

I am 31, male, and a long time lurker who decided to sign up and ask for advice...

 

I've only REALLY liked 4 women in the last 15 years. A couple months ago, I really started having feelings for a coworker (the 4th woman in the last 15 years) that I've known for 7 months. We'd been getting along great, and it seemed like she was communicating all the non-verbal signs that she was interested. We went out alone as friends (I think) a little over six weeks ago and had a great time. I went to lunch with her about three weeks ago, and confessed I had a huge crush on her.

 

Last week, I asked her out, but didn't get an commital-type answer, so a couple days later, I followed up with her, but sensed that she wasn't jumping at the chance to go out w/me. I asked her if she wanted me to back off from pursuing her. She said yes, because someone in another city who she had had interest in was still in the picture, and that there are other guys in other cities pursuing her. She was confessing to me that her love life is a little too hectic right now.

 

I got the sense from her that she is going to have to end up letting down the other people pursuing her, because the one she is interested in is still in the picture. She had said to me in the past that the thing she had with that guy in another city is over, or at least she was getting over it. At other times, she suggested to me she knows it won't work out with that guy in the end anyway.

 

This week, she hasn't been as friendly with me at all, leaving without saying goodbye to me (a normal occurrence) and perhaps avoiding me altogether even though she only works about 10 feet away from me.

 

Sorry for the long lead up, but here are my questions...

 

1) Did I make a mistake confessing my feelings and asking her out? (because it stings a little to have her possibly avoiding me)

 

2) Should I give up on this girl? If not, then how should I approach pursuing her?

[phaseone]

1) Did I make a mistake confessing my feelings and asking her out? (because it stings a little to have her possibly avoiding me)

 

You didn't make any mistake at all. You really liked her and went for it. Unfortunately, not everyone gets what they want. However, you took the dive and went for it. Some people hold back and don't even reveal their true feelings and live with the "what ifs". At least, you know where you stand with this girl. Telling her how you felt will put a strain on your current friendship with her. She probably feels that she doesn't want to lead you on further and is avoiding you. I'd suggest having a talk with her to let her know you still want to be friends (if you do want her friendship).

 

2) Should I give up on this girl? If not, then how should I approach pursuing her?

 

I'd lay off on a pursuit because she has already told you where you stand.

If she really wanted to be with you, she would drop all this "other city" guys and you guys would of been together. From what you've described, I think she only wants friendship.

 

Good Luck!

[Dating Coach]

1) Did I make a mistake confessing my feelings and asking her out? (because it stings a little to have her possibly avoiding me)

 

Yes. You NEVER "confess" your feelings. That's a huge turnoff. For one, you present NO challenge when you do this. You are basically just throwing yourself at her. "I like you so much, can you like me too?" It's just not a good way to present yourself to someone. Secondly, it's a bit much as well. Here she is, unsuspecting, and then suddenly you throw your feelings at her. You are at the stage where you really like her and she may have barely considered you before. So here feelings are way down here and yours are thrown at her being WAY UP HERE. It's overwhelming. Ask her out but don't tell her how much you like her or how great she is. Just tell her she seems cool and you want to take her out. Leave your feelings somewhat of a mystery.

 

A better way to do it is to simply ask her out of lunch, or a cup of coffee. After that, you can then ask her out on a second date, this time out to dinner, or something better-as long as you are CLEAR with her that these are not FRIEND dates, but real dates.

 

2) Should I give up on this girl? If not, then how should I approach pursuing her?

 

Yes. She is not interested. I don't care what excuse she gave you, girls ALWAYS give excuses when they are not interested. Her ACTIONS completely tell you that she is not interested. If she was interested she would find time for you, not give you excuses to let you down easy. Nor would she EVER tell you to back off. Would you ever do this to someone you were interested in? Never. She's not interested and is hoping you will take the hint. Don't make yourself out to be a fool. Accept that she is not interested and move on. If she starts to be friendly again, it is NOT a sign that she suddenly became interested. She is trying to be friendly, make things easier on you AND her by keeping things light and how they used to be. Guys ALWAYS allow themselves to be suckered back in when the girl shows them the slightest attention. She's not interested. Accept that as final. The only way you should ever try again is if SHE comes to you and SPECIFICALLY asks you out. Hinting will not cover it, because you will likely run headfirst back into a situation where she isn't really interested, only you allowed yourself to be lead on. Only a clear, "I want to give it a shot" from her part should draw you back in. And even then, you should tease her and make her pay for not jumping on you the chance you gave her.

[btbt]

I don't think you made a mistake "confessing" to her. You felt like you needed to let her know and you did. And now you have clarity -- she isn't interested in you. Don't second guess your actions. You did what you needed to do and it didn't work out, but maybe next time it will!