Friends With Benefits

[xblondyx]

Good or bad idea?

[renaissancewoman101]

Bad idea, since feelings can develop on either side. Even if both parties go into the situation knowing that it is only a FWB situation, people can develop feelings and someone will end up hurt.

[Caterina]

In your case, terrible idea. Do you really want him to hurt you the way he already has again?

[xblondyx]

It isn't with the ex, even though he has asked and i was tempted!

No, it's with a friend of mine, he is gorgeous and we get along great. I was just wondering what people thought.

[cacain119]

I wouldn't go for it.. it never ends well and it hurts a really good friendship. my two cents!

[Batya33]

Sounds like typically there is not even a friendship, just benefits - i.e. when one person meets the other and says he/she is just looking for "friends with benefits" - in that case, call it what it is "casual sex" - nothing wrong with that but then maybe there wouldn't be misunderstandings when the friendship ends when the benefits are no longer given no strings attached. I also think in general it comes up when the woman wants more of a relationship, settles for just casual sex and then when the man doesn't want more after having sex, gets hurt and might even blame the man for being a "player" even though she agreed initially to the casual sex.

[renaissancewoman101]

Batya33, your post was great but then you infer in your post that the man might not be to "blame" if the situation turns out bad for the woman. I dont think that is the case. If two people go into a FWB situation, both are equally to blame because both know the consequences about the situation. Also, men are players and offer friendship along with the benefits and women should know better than to get into a FWB situation since men will use them for their own purposes and then drop them. Then the man is much to blame since he "swindled" the woman in beliving that they had a friendship. Thus, we have a bunch of women who get burned by the guy and hate them for it.

[ElektraHere]

Blondy getting to know you through your posts I dont think you would be able to stick to the FWB thing. I think with your caring and sensitive heart it would be too much for you when you develop feelings and if your friend said "hey we are just friends."

 

I would advise to stay away from the FWB vibe!

[renaissancewoman101]

Does anybody ever think an FWB can be done successfully where both parties dont get hurt?

[ElektraHere]

RW ~ The answer is NOPE!

[Beyondthesea]

Not a chance. Someone always gets hurt.

[xprincessbugx]

I think it's a bad idea. In the beginning it'd seem like fun but eventually one of you WILL fall for the other one.

[southerngirl]

I dont know. I would think in most cases it would not work out but if both parties were mature and knew what they were getting into there wouldnt be any surprises. We all have sexual needs right. So what if you have a friend and you use them for your sexual pleasure and keep it at that.

 

It could work Id think... But only if neither wanted more.

[ocrob]

I have been doing this with a woman for about three months. I would say that we have been more than just friends, but agreed to date casually. I have not been seeing anyone other than her and she has not been seeing anyone other than me. She recently told me that maybe I should start dating others because she wants more. She tells me that she likes me, but does not know if she wants more with me. I suggested we should spend more time together and see where things go. Ever since I met her, she has been unwilling to make plans and we usually see each other once a week. I guess my answer to you is that it is great while it lasts, but it will eventually end or change. I have no idea what this woman wants and now I am in danger of losing someone that has become a great friend.

[ElektraHere]

Ocrob I hate to say it man but "she just isn't into you!" Sorry sweets.

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, you should give ocrob some hope, maybe some advice, not just write it off as "sorry sweets, she just isnt into you". That is kind of cold.

 

If I were in his shoes, I would want someone to give me some hope or at least a game plan to work with.

[Scotcha]

renaissancewoman101- I don't think EH was being cold but rather blunt and to the point. I'm rather fond of this type of advice myself, to give and receive. Some people aren't though and that's fine and one of the great things about this site.. Lots of different opinions and attitudes.

 

Sometimes a simple statement speaks volumes and I have to agree, that often the best advice in dealing with someone who doesn't appear interested is to move on and get interested in someone who reciprocates.

[coollady1957]

In my opinion I think the friends with benefits is a bad idea. I agree that some where along the way, some one is going to develope feelings for the other beyond friends, and feelings are going to be hurt.

[ElektraHere]

Thanks Scotcha. RW out of all my posts have you ever found me to be a cold and uncaring person? I am as Scotcha says....blunt. I dont dance around issues or am afraid to say something. Thats where you and I differ and our advice giving will differ too.

 

Now back to the OP!

[jabele]

My roommates doing that right now...its a little complicated for the two of them, but they seem to be working it out quite well. Then again, there seems to be much opportunity for a disaster ending...

[Scotcha]

Now back to the OP!

 

I also don't think a friends with benifits situation really ever works out. I've been burned this way before and I've learned never to let anyone benefit from me without the benefit of a relationship.

[alteer]

I know I couldn't do it. I get far too emotionally attached to people.

[ocrob]

EH,

 

I respect your opinion. This woman has acted the same way since we met. It was great for me because I did not want to get serious and the sex was awesome. If she just wants to be friend and stop having sex, I can deal with that. I am definitely not in love with this woman, but do not like the mixed messages. I call her on it and she tells me she likes me. I would guess that you are right. If a woman is into you, they usually show it and not just say it. I would say I learned my lesson, but I have had such a good time during this experience. I guess I am just a little bummed to lose the sex. lol I definitely don't want to lose her friendship, but I will start limiting my contact and probably eventually just let things fade away. I only posted to address the question of friends with benefits. My answer is that if you can enjoy it for what it is and be willing to let things end gracefully, then go for it. It has been great for me, but the games are the only thing that I have had a problem with. I have made it clear that I am ok just being friends and she tells me that she does really like me. I honestly don't know what I would do if she did a 180 and asked for us to be in a committed relationship. I would be open to it, but would need to spend way more time with her. I think I have been a bootycall. lol I feel so used, but I did enjoy it. lol

[Batya33]

Rennaisancewoman, I meant that the woman who goes into an FWB hoping for something more is deluding herself and should not blame the man if he told her all he wanted was an FWB and not a relationship. I do not believe one person can "swindle" another into promising friendship along with the "benefits" or "sex."

 

The definition of friendship is not clear at all and a promise of friendship from someone who is nearly a stranger needs to be taken in context. If someone promised to be a friend, I would ask specifically what that meant - real examples - that is because most people don't make such a promise - they simply say that they enjoy spending time with you and would like to see what happens. On the other hand, people can promise to be faithful - that is a concrete promise.

 

If I already was close friends with a man and he wanted to add "sex" to the mix and I was the type of person who was ok with that (I am not, in reality) I would assume that even if he meant sincerely that he wanted the friendship to continue that sex is something that can radically change the way two people interact.

 

I start from the premise that men are not players in general (that happens to be true of my experience) and that people are accountable for their decisions. Consensual sex with no strings attached is just that - whether you call it friends with benefits, a fling, or bed buddies.

[novaseeker]

The thing is how many friends with benefits remain "friends" after the benefits are withdrawn? Is there really a friendship that exists outside the "benefits"?

 

I tend to think of these more along the lines of "sex buddies" or, as Milan Kundera described it in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, "erotic friendships". The "sex" part is central to the whole relationship, but there is no emotional commitment whatsoever.

 

I can't do these personally because sex always gets me emotionally tangled. Other people can compartmentalise sex and emotion much better, however. If both parties to a FWB are of the sort than can compartmentalise, then it can work without leading to a lot of pain for one of them ... but I think that's pretty rare, honestly.