She's Engaged! Temped to E-mail Her

[Genji05]

Wow! I haven't posted on this site in a long time!

 

Here's my current situation:

 

My girlfriend dumped me back in February because she "loves me but isn't in love with me." We had been together for several years prior to that and we were talking about getting married soon. I haven't had any substantial communication with her since then.

 

In April, she started calling, e-mailing, and text messaging me non-stop for about a week. It was just a bunch of petty jabs at how miserible I made her and about how frustrated she was that I didn't even try to contact her after she dumped me. I didn't answer the calls, or texts. All I did was e-mail her back simply saying, "Please stop contacting me. I don't think it's best for us to be in contact yet." Then she stopped harassing me.

 

Last weekend, one of my friends who sees her every now and then do to the fact that they live nearby, told me that my ex had gotten engaged one month after dumping me. From the sound of it her relationship with her fiance is basically a continuation of her relationship with me (but with him filling in for me). I'm really surprised she would do something so messed up! Since I found this out, I've had all kinds of emotions.

 

What I'm wondering about is this. I feel like contacting her. I think this is a terrible idea, but I want to do it anyway. I'm afraid she'll say or write things that will hurt me deeply. Or maybe I'll be tempted to get back together with her (which I don't want to do after realizing her poor judgement, but I'm not sure I could resist her). Right now I'm not sure if I'd like to be friends with her eventually or not. I'm not sure if I could handle seeing her now.

 

How should I fight my urge to contact her? I feel like I have no self-esteem or confidence right now. How do I heal and move on? I felt fine until I found out she was engaged!

[heloladies21]

Best thing for you to do would be to start talking to some other girls. It will take your mind off of the situation, because contacting her would only lead to bad and nothing good.

[cacain119]

I would first like to say that this is her problem, not yours. My first instinct is that she broke up with you because she had been cheating with this other guy, etc... Things may not have been working out in April, etc, and this is why she called you.

 

You need to worry about YOU and not her.. Protect yourself. You have acknowledged that you don't even know if you want to be friends... So just realize that she is adult enough to make her own decisions (and mistakes if that's the case)... You need space to heal.

[friscodj]

Steer clear of this mess my friend. She did you a favor I think by cutting you loose. Getting engaged one month after being in a serious relationship for several years? One of four things is going on here: a) She was cheating on you with this other guy, b) She is desperate to get married, c) She is nuts, d) She found the love of her life and is meant to be with this other guy. In any case, you're better off now...

 

Of course this doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow. This is all very fresh yet and you have a ways to go before you are over this I think. Don't contact her. Pick up some new hobbies, immerse yourself in something, keep busy, take a trip somewhere, write to us here, just don't contact her.

[fishrrshortae]

You are so lucky you saved yourself a divorce!

 

A good way to ignore her and move on: Think about what would happen if you did get back together, if you didnt "resist" her. Would you be happy? Probably not, especially after what she pulled. Think about what your future would be like with someone like her. It looks like you saved yourself the costs of a divorce my friend!

[Torchbearer]

"I'm not sure if I could handle seeing her now."

 

I saw my ex last week per her request that we go out and have drinks. I am absolutely a wreck right now because we got intimate and she basically drug my feelings out of me (when I was doing ok not bringing them up). It was great seeing her because much of the chemistry and sexual tension still existed but now I'm miserable and it's going on a week.

 

Stay away.

[Spawn]

What I'm wondering about is this. I feel like contacting her. I think this is a terrible idea, but I want to do it anyway. I'm afraid she'll say or write things that will hurt me deeply. Or maybe I'll be tempted to get back together with her (which I don't want to do after realizing her poor judgement, but I'm not sure I could resist her). Right now I'm not sure if I'd like to be friends with her eventually or not. I'm not sure if I could handle seeing her now.

 

How should I fight my urge to contact her? I feel like I have no self-esteem or confidence right now. How do I heal and move on? I felt fine until I found out she was engaged!

 

My ex is back with her ex within 1 month after we brokeup, although i had maintained NC for a month or so after my last contact, still when i got the news i just wished her luck and told her not to hold any grudges against me and that i had only nice memories of her. Just one email was enough, i felt better afterwards. I have put her email back on filter so even if she mails me i won't get it.

 

In short our exs are back with someone, its their life, they can do any darn thing they want to. We can only think about our lives now. They have moved on, take this as a wake up call for you to get going with your life. Be selfish for once.

 

Good luck!

[Bingo72]

Sounds like she's on a downhill drag. Anyone who is in relationship and ends it, only to jump into another one and then become engaged that quick???

 

Sounds like she is looking for somebody, anybody, to fill a void here. I would hope she is not desperate enough to become engaged just to hurt you but it's possible I guess.

 

Look at it this way. If she were happily engaged and enjoying her new relationship then why is/was she taking the time to continue fighting/talking with you over email? Whenever I have met and fallen for someone new, the last thing I wanted to do was 'inform' my ex of how happy I was, no matter if I had dumped him or he had dumped me.

 

You have to realize that she's gone and the person YOU loved is now gone. You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed because she is now engaged and with someone new. The best source of punishment is silence, by not acknowledgeing her at all you will hurt her more and she'll be left wondering why you aren't interested in her life anymore. The trick to is is that you really have to lose any interest you have in wanting to know what she's up to these days.

[BellaDonna]

Genji05,

 

I don't think you should contact your ex at all.

 

If she is engaged to someone else in a matter of only 3 months after her breakup with you- there is clearly something wrong with that picture. She sounds emotionally sporadic. If you contact her- you'll just be bringing her toxicity back into your life. I don't think you'll get any closure, I think it will just make the situation worse.

 

You have done quite well so far with NC- why go back now?

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Don't contact her, just like the others have said.

 

I think if she gets engaged a month to someone else a month after ending a long term relationship, there are some serious issues there on her part. Yikes, they don't even know each other yet! Anyway, I am sure she is unsure too, which is well indicated by her sudden increase in contacting you there for a bit. However, you are not a fall back guy, you don't need that drama in your life or to be reminded of it.

 

I can't believe she tried to guilt you into feeling bad after she dumped you! That's really selfish and petty of her.

 

Keep moving on forward. Healing is a process, a journey, don't let this throw you off the track.

[Siriana]

Emotionaly immature. That's what she is. Run and don't look back - warp 10! I suggest.

 

She made so many emotionaly immature mistakes here that she can't be ready for healty relationship, and happy marriage is miles away from her.

 

She broke up with you: so it would be normal and mature that she respects the fact you don't want to contact her anymore - or be her best friend.

She can miss that, it is nothing wrong in that, but the fact she misses security shouldn't be priority over your feelings.

 

She should keep quiet about how frustrated she was because you didn't contact her. It was too much to expect that you would call her. Selfish and self centered. She was trying to manipulate you by making you feel guilty

 

She made a decision and every decision asks you to give something up in order to get something. She still needs to learn that.

 

Getting engaged in such a short notice is stupid thing to do. She doesn't know how to be alone - so that means she doesn't know what she needs in a relationship -for her relationship is just a small ornamnet so she could avoid to get to know herself better.. if she was dating him while she was seeing you - even more patetic. If she lied about beeing enaged childish way of getting attention.

 

Remember: If she wants to see you and hear from you that doesn't mean that you should want that too. You have a right to say that you don't want that without feeling guilty.

 

If you are not prepared to hear how great her new bf is, how great sex they have, where are they going on weekend and finding out that she treats him better than she was treating you - don't contact her. There is possibilty you might hear those things! No, matter if they are the truth or not.

You are tempted to contact her because you hope you would hear something that could make you feel better and your ego less crushed. No, you are doing the right thing right now. You put her ego down by that e-mail you wrote, and you showed your strength.

 

Don't even think about the fact she is engaged. Who cares, you can't see through the walls how their relationship really looks like and don't be tempted to find that out. I promise you it doesn't have a bright perspective.

 

Just keep going on.

[Bingo72]

Well said! I wish I could've written that.

[Genji05]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I feel a lot better. I guess I just hit rock bottom for a moment last night (when I started this thread).

 

I realize her life is spiraling out of control right now, (not just the break up and the engagement--she's also considering dropping out of school and who knows what else!) and it pains me to watch the woman I once loved rot and decay into the emotionally imbalanced person she is now. I'm glad I'm not with her any more. Who knows how all her problems would have manifested themselves if I ended up marrying her.

 

I feel like I'm over her now. It's been a long two and a half months, but I feel free. The shock of her engagement was a temporary setback, but I've had time to accept it. Now I can move on!

 

My only problem now is trying to build up my non-existent self-confidence and social skills to the point where I can actually approach women and ask them out. Yeah, I've still got a long road ahead of me...

 

Thanks again for the help everyone.