Some advice please

[thebiggestmistake]

I have been married for one and half years. My husband and I have been together for almost four years. Four months ago my husband went to Iraq. I had some neighbors at my house about three months later, girls and guys. We had alcohol there and when I woke up the next morning I remember having a bad dream about having sex with one of the guys. The next day the guy in my dream came over and told me it wasn't a dream. I am so disgusted with myself. I love my husband more than anything and we never keep secrets from one another. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I don't want to put my burden on him. I know what I did was completely foolish. My husband gets to come home for rest and relaxation from Iraq in June. His tour isn't over until next March though. Should I tell him in June or March? Or should I not tell him? Please give me thoughtful advice. I would really appreciate your opinions.

[DN]

My advice - do not tell him. As you say - it is your burden. Don't make it his.

[thebiggestmistake]

Thank you for your advice, DN. Why do you think it would be better to not tell him?

[DN]

Because it is not something you will do again and although drunkenness is not an excuse, it does give something in mitigation, so to speak.

 

If you tell him, he has to be the one to decide whether to forgive you or stay with you - and that shifts the burden to him while you have 'cleared your conscience'.

 

If you don't tell him you will always have it on your conscience but it is up to you to not allow that to affect your marriage - and that will be hard but it has to be done.

 

Don't drink that much again - but you already know that.

[yeawutever]

First my advice would be to off course don't tell him. But do get tested fro STD's, if you're clear keep the secret. However, if you're not clear then you would have to tell him.

[avman]

I agree - do not tell him. He really needs to be focused on his own survival and keeping his wits about him right now. The distraction of infidelity could literally cost him his life.

 

For you, first of all I'd suggest you not drink alcohol to excess anymore because you have experienced first hand what can happen. Technically speaking, in many locations if you were that intoxicated then you were unable to consent to sexual contact - so in theory you were raped. However nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to drink that much either. So everyone was in the wrong.

 

I would tell you that you should have no contact whatsoever with the guy you slept with though.

[DN]

p.s. get tested for STDs and make sure you are not pregnant. If you are infected with an STD or you are pregnant that is a whole different ball-game.

[thebiggestmistake]

I don't want to shift the burden to him. I just feel like he has the right to know that I am not a perfect as he thinks. There is no excuse for my actions. I am confused on why it happened, because I have never even thought about cheating. I would rather have the burden on me and never cause him pain. His happiness is all that matters. But is it condsidered false happiness if I don't tell him?

[DN]

But is it condsidered false happiness if I don't tell him?

 

False happiness for whom? If he doesn't know it is not false happiness for him. You are responsible for your happiness and that may take some time to recover.

 

Beware of the 'happiness is based on a lie' dilemma. Although we think we know everything about our partners we rarely do. We all have things about us we do not share with anybody - fantasies, or even deeds we are ashamed of.

 

I know you are genuinely conflicted - but this is your issue and if you tell him you make it his.

[MacTech]

You should tell him what happened. He is your husband. When the time is right is not when he comes home. Saying you don't want to burden him is BS.

 

If he finds out later, it may hurt much more.

 

Communications is the key.

[thebiggestmistake]

Thank you. I understand what I need to do.

[Klute]

If you were unaware of the act it sounds like date rape. If it bothers you that much I would seek the counsel of my pastor, or therapist.

[Interference]

Dear bigmistake, I think along the lines of the earliest posts recommending tests for STDs or pregnancy. Then I would take your own words

... we never keep secrets from one another

and not keep it a secret. I wonder how DN can be so sure that you will not do it again?

 

If you tell your husband, he will decide whether to forgive you or stay with you. There are deeds we are ashamed of, and these need not to be revealed to our partners if they are in the past. But I see this (having these kinds of parties, heavy drinking leading to loss of inhibitions) as being part of your personality today, and it affects how you behave in your relationship. Does your husband know you this way?

 

Also, if it's one of your neighbours, how safe is the secret? You have time to think about this, use that time wisely!

[itsallgrand]

Thank you. I understand what I need to do.

 

What did you decide?

[doyathink]

I would tell him when he returns home. You owe him the honest truth and let him make the choice to either stay or leave.

[miracle29]

1. Don't tell him... why you ask...I'll tell you: Don't let your guilt be the reason you tell him. If you want to tell him because you feel that you'd want to know if he did this to you...then fine...if you want to tell him because you love him so much and can't bare to keep a secret from him..then fine....but don't do it because the guilt is eating you up. As Dn said...thats your burden to bare..not his. He has too much to focus on to be bogged down with your indiscretions.

 

2. Stop allowing this other guy to come over considering he seems to like his women inebriated....

 

 

3. If you can't control your liquor ...STOP DRINKING so that you wont have an excuse to make this a habbit.

 

4. Make sure you don't have any std's or pregnancy.

 

If you come up negative for stds and pregnancy...then I'd suggest you turn over a new leaf in your life. And no more parties with losers like this guy. He had some nerve coming back over for seconds...just goes to show how much respect he has for your husband serving our Country and how much respect he has for you as a woman. A real man would not have tried to take advantage of you ....being drunk.

 

Though being drunk is never an excuse...

[DN]

I wonder how DN can be so sure that you will not do it again?

I didn't say I was sure - she said she is. So my advice is based on that.

[yeawutever]

Yea, no more drinks for you that's for sure.

[rashe30]

You should tell him. I will tell you from experience. Some peps here give great advice and on the other hand they say to hide it. Hiding it will cost you much more than you can imagine. The price for lies and deception is very high, I know my wife did it to me. I hold that most against her by far more than what she done. My advice is to tell him. You can't keep it a secret forever. if ou stay together he will eventually find out. Nobody is that good of a liar unless you believe you own * * * *.

[kennynjia]

Tell him ASAP! Let me ask u... how would u feel if he slept with another female, and didn't tell u ne thing until she was pregnant, gave birth to her baby, and put your husband on child support? What would u b feeling? Confusion? Lies? Betrayal? Hate? TELL HIM THE WHOLE SITUATION! In the end u will c the good in u telling him. Let him know that it was an accident. Let him know how much u love him. Believe in yourself. Believe in him.

[doyathink]

You should tell him. I will tell you from experience. Some peps here give great advice and on the other hand they say to hide it. Hiding it will cost you much more than you can imagine. The price for lies and deception is very high, I know my wife did it to me. I hold that most against her by far more than what she done. My advice is to tell him. You can't keep it a secret forever. if ou stay together he will eventually find out. Nobody is that good of a liar unless you believe you own * * * *.

My SO did the same and I can tell you the lies and deceptions made it harder to deal with than if he would have grown a set and told me the truth. I found out from other people and it really pissed me off. Of course what you did is wrong but don't hide it, that is the same as a lie and it is deceiving.

 

He will have a hard time ever trusting you again but it will happen faster if he realizes you were being honest with him.

[xprincessbugx]

I think you should tell him. He has a right to know what you did while he was away. Cheating is wrong and obviously it was a mistake and you know you won't do it again. You might want to tell him once he's come home for awhile and maybe if he needs to get some counseling or something. good luck and take care.