Emptiness...Just can't move on, nowhere to go.

[oceanoftears]

So I've been reading through a whole lot of posts here on the topic of breaking up and healing and all that...And I decided to post my own story (I know it'll be long and for that, I apologize. I just haven't been able to vent all of this before now) so that maybe I, too, can begin to move on...

 

I'm 20, my ex-boyfriend is 21. Yes, we're young. He had several girlfriends before me, but he was my first "real" boyfriend--the first one I ever truly loved...Anyway, he and I met in the early fall of 2005 and broke up in February--the day before Valentine's to be exact...You know how people say that relationships that begin quickly often end quickly? ...Well, that was the case for us. We were together for 4 months almost to the day, and had only even known each other for 1 week when we decided to get together. It was an amazing relationship in the beginning...He was my world, and the whole idea of having a serious boyfriend was new to me so I was a bit scared at first...I got over that quickly and pretty much spent most of my free time with him (We attend the same college). We were both so happy together--he was fun, sweet to me, could always make me laugh, etc...I was just happier than I'd ever been before.

 

Then...after returning to school from Christmas, things changed in our relationship. I can't even pinpoint a specific incident or date, but things definitely changed. He seemed less interested in me--he often acted like he was busy and would visit me "if he had time"...And he often hung out with various other girls (who had been "just friends") before, but after Christmas, he started leaving my apartment at times to go and "visit so-and-so"...That hurt a lot. He accused me of "just being jealous" that he did this kind of thing, and even went so far as to attend his ex-girlfriend at the time's 21st birthday party in another city. My own birthday had been a couple of weeks before hers and he didn't even so much as give me a card on my birthday. Again, I was very hurt. As much as I loved him, I started to see that our relationship was not where it needed to be and I told him we needed to take a break...That night was pretty much the worst night of my life. I cried for hours and he stayed with me for a while and even cried a little himself. It was so hard to watch him leave that night...Then, a few days went by and we decided to re-evaluate our relationship at which point he told me that he didn't feel like I was the one he should be with and on and on. I half-heartedly agreed and we broke up on Feb. 13.

 

I felt okay about the decision at first. I think I was in a state of shock or something because I didn't shed a tear at first. However, I ended up seeing him on Valentine's Day (yes, horrible move, I know...) and I lost it. I cried for the entire rest of the week. It finally hit me that he and I were officially broken up--but the hardest part was knowing that he was still living in the building next door, and I often wondered if he felt the same way I did about the situation...Did he miss me? I had regrets about ever suggesting for us to "take a break". At times since then, I have had moments of feeling like I made the right decision, but so many other times I find myself missing him and EVERYTHING about him that I just don't know how to go on. Everything I see, hear, do, smell, etc. reminds me of him. He is always on my mind--I still dream about him. I know I should have cut off all contact with him after we broke up, but we decided to remain "friends"...That was probably a big mistake because it has just made everything so much harder. Things are awkward when we occasionally "hang out" and even when we talk, I find myself wishing he and I were together again.

 

As it turns out, he is transferring to another school next year and today was the day I had to say goodbye to him because the school year is over and it's time to go home for summer. We will no longer be anywhere near each other or have the opportunity to see each other. I was devastated to say goodbye to him--although I didn't let him see that. I spent about an hour with him this afternoon--just as friends hanging out--and we talked about plans for next year and all that...We hugged and I left. I cried nearly the entire way home...about a 2-hour drive. I just miss him so very much. And now that I know he and I won't see eachother anymore (if ever again) hurts so much. He was my life for 4 months. And even though we've been broken up for 3 months, I just cannot let him go. I feel like he still has a piece of my heart which has left a huge hole in its place. I've cried so much in the last few months--I don't even like to hear about people in love because it hurts too badly thinking of all my memories with him.

 

I just am afraid to move on...to let go. I know all the stuff about how time heals. yada yada. I also have heard it all about "the many other fish in the sea", but none of that matters to me now. I just feel like if someone else were to come into my life, I'd be too afraid to give my heart away again for fear of having it broken. I do not want to ever feel this pain again--it has been the worst pain of my life. Sometimes I just start thinking all the "what if's" and maybe if I would have been more understanding about him and his "girl friends" then maybe we would still be together now...I don't know. I want him back, but then I don't. I want to move on, but then I don't. I feel trapped. I feel alone. And I feel like he started to move on a long time ago. That's what hurts. I want him to miss me. I want him to hold me again. I want to stare into his beautiful brown eyes and see his smile again.

 

Was I wrong to give him my heart so quickly, only to have it broken so quickly? Was I wrong to believe that he could be "the one"? When you believe someone is "the one" and then they turn out not to be, how do you know when you find the one who really IS 'THE ONE'?

 

Help...I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be okay. I want to be able to move on and not be reminded of him at EVERY turn. What to do...what to do...to fill the empty space in my heart...

[AwdreeHpburn]

oceanoftears - glad you posted. Everyone's situations are as unique as they are so I'm glad you put YOUR story out here.

 

Sometimes we hold on to pain for so long that it becomes comfortable. We sort of start to associate the pain with the memory of the person we don't want to let go of, so the two - the pain and the person - become in-separable.

 

Mourn the loss of the relationship. Feel the pain, greive and let it go...

[Marianne]

hey there im sorry to hear wots happened . i know my story may not be there same but i know wot its like not to able to let go ,

my 1st bf i went out for 6years 3 years of love 3 years of abuse sexual assulted,its been 3 years since i broke up wit him that ive not had been in another realationship since then thru the healing n letting go ive learnt it takes time .i even look back and think i made it i got thru the pain i never thought i would get over him but i did dont worry you will get thru this it just takes time but you cant fight the way you feel ,talking to a couseller helps but it doesnt take the pain away only you can in time wen ur rready

Control you life set your goals n dreams nothing is impossible .

Feel free to contact me

 

Marianne

[Arielle]

Thanks for joining the Board, Ocean of Tears. I was the same way - I lurked for a couple of months before jumping on board. I wish I would have joined on Day 1 of my breakup, and I encourage anyone reading this not to be afraid to post their first message.

 

I joined not too long ago, and I'm sure I bored more than a few people with my long first post. There are a lot of advantages to having shorter posts. However, with longer posts 1) you are giving yourself some good therapy by verbalizing your thoughts and 2) you are allowing people to know more about you and giving them a chance to find more common ground.

 

I was struck about how you noticed a subtle difference after Christmas. I had a mostly cyber relationship, but I did see my ex about 6 times in the last few years, and I last saw him shortly after Christmas. We had a wonderful time together (or so I thought) for about 4 days before he had to fly back overseas. I didn't realize it at the time, but after he broke up with me, and I looked back at old emails to see if I missed any clues, I noticed there was a very subtle difference in his messages. He was saying all of the right things, but he also seemed more critical than usual, and it seemed some of the old warmth was missing.

 

Is it wrong to jump into a relationship thinking it's "the right one"? That's a tough one, and I hope other people answer. I think all we can do is give you our past experiences. My late husband and I fell in love with each other the moment we met and we had a wonderful marriage. My ex and I were "just friends" for several months, then our relationship slowly built into something that was so deep and caring, then it disappeared like a puff of smoke.

 

I'd hate for you to lose out on the most wonderful person in the world just because you have preconceived notions of how a relationship should start.

 

Keep posting! We all care about you.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I'm deeply sorry for your pain and believe me when I say I know just how it feels each

tear you shed has been shed by meny here they fall as one.

 

But Ta_ree_saw is right "Sometimes we hold on to pain for so long that it becomes comfortable"

 

Me I used the pain to drive me to become a better man

 

but its best to get over it and look to a new better life one day.

Lock your self in the pain like me and its a very dark and lonly place.

Your hart will grow back trust me bigger and better than befor.

[oceanoftears]

I've read through your replies, and just wanted to say thank you to those of you for your kind words and understanding where I'm coming from.

 

I feel a little better after reading what each of you said...I know that in time, I will probably look back and feel like I wasted so much time on this guy--but here and now in the moment, it's hard to think of being happy in the future--being happy without him? It just doesn't seem possible.

 

Anyway, I love reading your replies and you all have given me some great things to think about. I welcome anything else anyone might have to say. It all helps little by little. Also, I'm still in a lot of confusion over the whole thing about finding the right guy for me, and about giving my heart away too quickly...Perhaps I should have been slower to "fall in love" with him, but is that something a person can control?? Can anyone relate to this or does anyone have an opinion on this?

 

Thank you again for your replies. I need all the help I can get.

[Spugly Fuglet]

The best words any one has ever said here is

"If you love like that once it shows your hart can do it, so it can again"

In thaws words are hope, there are 3,500,000,000 men in the world

some where out there is a better man, a nicer man who will make your "soul smile" and you know your hart can feel that way again