Did I do the right thing?? (long, but please read)

Demond34 · May 3, 2006

My ex is in the process of moving to another state. Its a long and complicated story. She's 25, I'm 24. We were together for over 5.5 years. At the end of year 2, I went away due to a fight at college(that happened in the beg. of the relationship). She stuck by me for 2 years, until I got out. But the damage was done, I broke her heart when i left(although not on purpose). She didn't realize how dependent she was on me for her happiness.(back then her world revolved around me, we were together for 2 years and fell in love)

Since I got out til now(almost 2 years), things have been up and down. She cried on her birthday last year b/c I made it a special day for her. But we had a fallout a month later, that lasted through the summer, in which i found this place. We did get back together and were together up until the end of March, things were good, she made a 4 year plan that she asked if I wanted to be a part of and wanted to make sure I was in it for the long haul in which i said yes. But she started to pull away again. This is after we just bought a king size bed together a month earlier and a washington D.C. trip a week earlier. All I could say to myself was here we go again.

She said she wants to move out of here, do something with herself, shes depressed and confused. I just told her I won't stand in her way of her happiness. And she said, I never stand in her way, I just let her go. I said i don't want you to go but I can't make that decision for you. I told her I love her and want to be with her, but its what you want. She quit her job up here, cuz shes sick of it and ended up going down to another state to visit her friend over easter and her birthday, she said she didnt know when she'd be back b/c she didnt have a job. In which, I called her on her birthday but only got voicemail.

She called 2 days later and I could tell she was upset. I asked why she called(after a week of NC), she told me she was coming home, easter and her birthday was lonely and she wanted to hear my voice, she started to cry and felt bad for shutting me out of her life, said she lost 10lbs. When she got home, all I got was a text message. Not until 2 days later, did she call again and told me she was going back down to try again, to find a job and a place. I had her come over and I gave her all the things she had here. We talked, held each other, cried. She kept asking me what she should do. I told her I dont want her to go, but I can't make that decision for you. She didn't want to see me, b/c she knew that would make her decision that much harder for her.

Now I can't move that easily, b/c of the fight, not until next nov am I officially free. In the meantime, I got back into college and run the family business part time.

Now since she's been down there we have had contact, she calls. Since I was basically left in the dark of what she really wants I get an array of different answers. She wants to do this for herself, to prove to herself she can be independent. This stems from me going away, she never dealt with it and its all resurfacing, she doesnt want to depend on me. She's said she loves me but we can't be together right now, she wants to be alone and the list goes on.

We talked the last 4 days. she tells me how she can't sleep and stuff. But overall its just general stuff. How shes been on interviews, how she needs to look for a place and things. This just kills me. I feel she is calling me to make it easier on her, but everyday I struggle b/c I feel I'm at a standstill and she is moving on and that if i keep holding on, I'll just get heartbroken anyway. She talks like we're friends but calls me bud and stud. I told her last week that I just can't be friends with her when I have feelings deeper than that, she wanted to avoid that whole talk. So today when she called, I put my foot down halfway thru and asked what are her intentions with me. She said she thought we could talk like everyday. She said she would love for me to move down with her. I said its just not that easy for me right now. I said if this is what you want then do it and if you want me to truly move on, then please don't call me anymore or message me.

Did I do the right thing? I feel like she just gets her fix when she talks to me, then she can have a good day or sleep better. The last time i saw her, she said go date others if I have to, that she'll have to deal with it if I choose too. Its not what I want and she knows that. She's not interested in anyone either, she's focused on getting a job and her career(but its not like she had a job offer down there) she chose this.

Sorry this is long, but I sit here everyday and dont share and its built up to the point where I'm going to explode. Should I just cut all contact so I can function better and if the love between us was strong enough, we'll find our ways back to each other?

malcontent · May 3, 2006

That's a tough situation. Since you two have basically been together since you were in your late teens, give or take the few times you split, neither of you has really had to deal with being alone. I can see why she could possibly feel the need to prove to herself that she's capable of living independently.

However, I can also understand how difficult that would be from your perspective. From the sound of everything you've said, you pretty much handled the entire situation like a champ: you didn't pressure her not to go, you told her you couldn't make decisions for her, etc. She decided to make this move and leave you in the lurch, so I think it's completely your prerogative as to whether or not you maintain contact.

You need to do whatever it is that helps you through this decision she has made. Personally, as hard as it would be, I think I'd lean towards either no or minimal contact, at least for a little while. That'll give you both the opportunity to truly experience independence. Sure, you had it thrust upon you, but if she's calling you everyday from far away, she can't honestly claim that she's living independently, can she?

I'd let her know how much it hurts you to know that she decided to leave you and that for the sake of both your sanity, you'd just as soon drift away for the time being.

My two cents.

Demond34 · May 3, 2006

About the pressuring her not go, that confused me the most, she turned it back on me and said I never stand in her way.... I said why do you want me to stand in your way, her response was so you tell me not to go........I again told her, I dont want you to go at all, I want to be with you, but I can't force you to stay......

Her calling everyday, makes me feel like hell, I miss her like crazy, she misses me.....She never ever told me that she doesn't want to be with me or that its over, in fact she says she loves me and does want to be with me, just not where we are at and the situation we're in...... But she left and thats all I think about.

I just don't know if I jumped the gun, in saying dont call me anymore..... But maybe its something I have to do, so I can get back to being myself and maybe she'll figure out what she wants. I dont know..... I know I hate this.....

I also don't know if me being in contact with her, would of maybe corrected things with us. She used to say how I wasn't there for her 100% when she was down and now I'm choosing not to be there for her now. Although before I went in until now, I've made changes, in my life to show her how much i care, she even realizes this and said this. I wasn't the best boyfriend for the first 2 years, but I got better at it and improved greatly.....

I told her that I want to stand by her side like she did me, but I find it too hard, not knowing if it'll ever work. In her case, she knew I wasn't going anywhere and she knew I didnt choose to leave..........I feel like I owe it to her, but at the same time, I owe it to myself to get my life back on track.........

Like you said malcontent, how will she see life without me, if she's calling me. I know its hard on her to be doing this move, b/c she is a family girl, I guess she has to try it and see if its her.

Belle · May 4, 2006

Demond,

Wow, your situation reminds me of mine except the relationship was at the beginning stages. Even down to the "I don't know what to do." Well, we can't force our will on them and if you care about someone, you're supposed to let them go.

With a woman you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Had you pressured her to stay she'd be upset. Since you didn't she's upset. So I would forget that one.

Seeing as she seems wishy washy (like my ex) and needs reassurance that you'll be there for her, I think you need to go no contact. It seems clear to me that you wanted to maintain the relationship and she's waffling. She wants comfort. If you give that to her, you'll shoot yourself in the foot and when she's happy in her circumstnaces you'll still be nursing your wounds.

In my honest opinion, until your ex and mine get ahold of their depression and figure out what they want in life they will continue to bounce back and forth and mess with our emotions. I was happy before I met him, I'll be happy when I get over it. Life's too short for that nonsense.

Lita43 · May 4, 2006

Yes Hon,

Cut loose and you don't need to deal with this kind of "Will I Stay or Will I Go crap!"

Having caring feelings for somebody is fine, but when they start dragging you down or making you feel guilty, it's time to find the words to disengage from the trauma and/or relationship!

I sure hope you can get on your way in life and don't feel guilty if somebody is overly needy and there are plenty out there that need help.

It isn't your job, so absolve yourself from any guilt as you need to go on with your life.

The girl needs to find her own true self and maybe you could write the addy of this site for her, ok?

Good Luck!, Lita~

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The People I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The One I Can and The Wisdom To Know It's Me!

Quote: "A Day You Don't Learn Anything New Is A Day Wasted!" Lita~

Demond34 · May 4, 2006

Well put Belle........ yeah i agree I'm damned if I do and damned if i dont. I know she wants the reassurance that I'll be there for her, if it doesn't work out,........she told me she's scared she could be making the biggest mistake of her life..................I feel I just pushed her into the right decision, by saying not to call......only time will tell

I should note that this is a girl, early on in the relationship would talk about having a life with me, kids, marriage the whole 9 yards. She said she had a crush on me all thru school(elementary to high school) I never knew about. Then things didn't go to plan(me going away). When I came back, I had to try and put my life back together. I didnt want to propose to her first thing, b/c I wanted to see things get back together the way they were. I mean it was just a different feeling, being away from someone so long.

But when i was ready to do it the following year, we had our fallout. When we got back together, we started to buy things for ourselves when we got out on our own. The kicker was the $2500 bed we bought together a bed she wanted(now I'm paying it by myself). I thought this was taking action into showing her I was committed and I asked her about that a few weeks ago and she said yeah it is, but it only puts off the ring........ I wanted to scream........

She knows, I'm peacing things back together and I didnt want to be engaged and living at home yet. I want to be able to support us and a family even though she doesnt need me too. Its just the way i am. I don't think a ring would of made a difference, she still needs to find out what she wants.......

Like everyone says on here, theres no logic behind love......I'll see with clearer eyes with time.....

Belle · May 4, 2006

Demond,

If she's scared that she's making the biggest mistake of her life, leave her alone to let that one sink in. Reassuring her that you're not going anywhere won't change the current status.

As for the bed, yeah, another womanism. Did you guys ever discuss becoming engaged so that she knew things were headed in that direction? I understand teh thing about wanting to be able to financially support her, but not completely. I'm sure that's what my ex was thinking. This is a male thing. The thing is, I am somewhat well off so it's not an urgent thing.

Anyway, chin up. Try not to let her emotional noise bring you down. If you go no contact, know that you're doing it for your emotional health and to let her figure out what she wants. If she keeps coming back for reassurance, it's like a drowning person. You have to take charge of yourself so she doesn't drag you down.

ScaredFawn · May 4, 2006

Hey... I feel bad for you. It sucks being in a couple with an emotionally unstable person... My gf could tell you just that! I think you've done all you could to support her in her decisions and in her life, but for your own sake it has to stop now. Believe me she won't be able to make up her mind unless you guys cut all ties. She will either forget about you and move on or decide she can't lose what you guys had. I am kind of in her situation right now. I have never done much in my life, I don't have a life beside my gf. I have never really lived my life, I have always been scared of the outside word, never dated beside meeting people from the net, never had friends and so on. I feel like one day when I feel better and feel like it's time I will have to go and experienced the world like I never did before. I have a gf of 2 years right now, and I keep thinking my unhappiness is because of our relationship. But really I am unhappy with myself. For as long as I can remember Ive always felt unhappy, as soon as I get what I want I want something more. She seems confused in her life and she needs to be free to experience things and not be commited... it sucks for you, big big time. You guys might get back together when she is done doing the things she need to become the person she was born to be, but in the meantime, you can't be with her. Move on with your life, as hard as it seems, and enjoy your life. Do all the crazy things that you know you would regret not doing if you settled down again and had kids and so much responsabilities.... I hope this helps. Forgive her for the way she is acting, it's really not easy when you are depressed and dependant and can't be happy with yourself. You did all the right things, and I believe for her it was the right thing too... but you need to stay away from her... good luck!