Trust issues...

[mrrisotto]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 fantastic months and we are having some major trust issues. Its really starting to affect both of us.

 

Her mistrust she claims (without any proof whatsoever) that I'm seeing somebody else even though I'm not. I've told her that I'm not many times and that shes the only one I need. Her ex cheated on her, so she has some issues dealing with that.

 

My mistrust she told me a while back that she cheated on her ex a few times, which automatically sent me into suspect mode, but since we've been together, I haven't confronted her about anything because I have no proof to back up an allegation. I'm still apprehentious about things though, to the extent that I assume the worst is going to happen if I'm not with her 24 hours a day.

 

I have not cheated on her, nor do I intend to, but her accusations are getting on my nerves. For example, the other night I came home late after working on a final project for one of my classes and she said that I smelled like semen (her and I were having fun under some trees earlier that day, so I think the dull smell of the flowers was still on me) and then after she claimed I said "guilty" under my breath (I actually said "can't see" - it was dark and I was having some problems finding my way to the door). I ended up leaving with a lot of hostility and we havent talked to each other since (I've called and left a few messages, but there has been no response).

 

Does anyone have suggestions as to what we can do to help build trust in our relationship? I love her deeply and want to work things out, but at times I just get the feeling that she has NO trust in me whatsoever, and its starting to bother me.

 

Thanks!

 

Opps, it looks like I missed the "Trust and Relationships" section completely... can a mod move this thread?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She sounds a bit self-destructive - like she messes up things that she knows are good for her, but maybe she doesn't feel she deserves them.

 

On the cheating - I havn't cheated on my BF, also been together around 7 months, and I have a MASSIVE cheating track record. So..people can change. Treat her as innocent until proven guilty.

 

It seems like your girlfriend has issues that arn't actually to do with you - seems like paranoia and self esteem shortage.

[Willow2609]

it seems to me that your girlfriend is scared of losing you so by making up all that crap shes making herself feel better, if i was you try to spend aleast one day even if its a sunday moring togeather bring her breakfast in bed with a rose and always tell her that you love her and dont want anyother, if she carry's on with accusing you then leave her be you cant make her believe you just give her time and give her something that would make her ogb smacked in to believeing that you are telling the truth.

[itsallgrand]

Cheaters love to turn around and put the doubt on the innocent party. Ever notice that?

 

I'm not saying she has cheated on you. But, she has a history of cheating. So she obviously has trust issues from before you.

 

I personally feel the burden is on HER to build more trust. I wouldn't stand for this kind of 'crazy making'. You didn't cheat. You don't deserve to be accused and made to feel insecure with the one you love.

 

If you don't have trust ya got nothing. Really.

 

Did you cheat in the past with anyone you were with? Do you bring your own trust issues from before as well, or is this strictly a you-her thing?

[RandomAdvisor]

If you don't have trust ya got nothing. Really.

 

That's what it all comes down to. I don't think your GF is ready to be in a commited relationship after her ex cheated on her. She needs more time to heal. Maybe she would benefit from counseling. I can't tell you what to do, but if my GF were constantly accusing me of cheating for no good reason and we'd only been together for 7 months, I think I would break up with her.

[Willow2609]

That's what it all comes down to. I don't think your GF is ready to be in a commited relationship after her ex cheated on her. She needs more time to heal. Maybe she would benefit from counseling. I can't tell you what to do, but if my GF were constantly accusing me of cheating for no good reason and we'd only been together for 7 months, I think I would break up with her.

 

Please counseling what your girlfriend needs is to now she is loved and safe and the need not to cheat maybe in her past reationship she has found the need to cheat but maybe in time and the seciraty that you wont cheat will make her trust issues improve, do not tell your girl that she needs counseling, she needs to be shown the one thing women want "for men to know what they want without asking" they want you to stop lying to them and being jumpy cum on stop blaming each other for cheating and smell the roses, you only have one life whats meant to be is meant to be if your meant to be togeather then she'll get though the trust or lack of just give her support and incouragement in to believeing you.

[Iceman26]

 

Her mistrust she claims (without any proof whatsoever) that I'm seeing somebody else even though I'm not. I've told her that I'm not many times and that shes the only one I need. Her ex cheated on her, so she has some issues dealing with that.

 

I think that "projecting" is a definite possibility here. Why, if she were cheating on her last boyfriend, would she be upset and paranoid if she were doing the same thing he was?

 

I agree with Someguy. She isn't ready for a relationship.

[Willow2609]

maybe shes not ready maybe your mr rebound guy if you feel like that finish her but that would prob make her more and more up set and would be harder for her to trust men in the future

[RandomAdvisor]

Please counseling what your girlfriend needs is to now she is loved and safe and the need not to cheat maybe in her past reationship she has found the need to cheat but maybe in time and the seciraty that you wont cheat will make her trust issues improve, do not tell your girl that she needs counseling, she needs to be shown the one thing women want "for men to know what they want without asking" they want you to stop lying to them and being jumpy cum on stop blaming each other for cheating and smell the roses, you only have one life whats meant to be is meant to be if your meant to be togeather then she'll get though the trust or lack of just give her support and incouragement in to believeing you.

 

First of all, please use capitalization and punctuation. Your post is incredibly difficult to read.

 

 

what your girlfriend needs is to now she is loved and safe

 

Reassurances are only so good when the person you are trying to reassure is incredibly insecure.

 

do not tell your girl that she needs counseling, she needs to be shown the one thing women want "for men to know what they want without asking"

 

You want the him to be a mind reader?

 

 

they want you to stop lying to them and being jumpy cum on stop blaming each other for cheating and smell the roses,

 

When did he say he ever lied to her? He specifically said he has never given her a legitimate reason not to trust him. He also specifically said he hasn't accused her of cheating because he has no proof or reason to.

 

you only have one life whats meant to be is meant to be if your meant to be togeather then she'll get though the trust or lack of just give her support and incouragement in to believeing you.

 

The kind of support she needs he may not be capable of giving, and she shouldn't need encouragement to believe him when he hasn't given her any reason to think he is lying. Just the opposite, she's taking totally benign and harmless things and twisting them around to say he might be cheating. This is exactly why I think she would benefit from counseling.

[Willow2609]

I think that "projecting" is a definite possibility here. Why, if she were cheating on her last boyfriend, would she be upset and paranoid if she were doing the same thing he was?

 

I agree with Someguy. She isn't ready for a relationship.

 

 

 

i like it the way allu men are siding with ur gender looking at all her down sides maybe you should look at his, he could be the one making her feel like this, im not pointing a finger i think they should tlk about it every realtonship gets stuck on rocks sumtimes. just give it time

[RandomAdvisor]

every realtonship gets stuck on rocks sumtimes. just give it time

 

Yes, but when you are encountering these kinds of problems so early in the relationship it's probably not worth working out. When you are looking for a partner everyone wants them to have certain qualities. Good self esteem and being secure in themselves are some of those qualities. This girl doesn't have those things.

 

In addition to being male, me and Iceman also have the same birthday. Maybe that's why we think alike...

[Willow2609]

Benfit, From Consilling the only thing she'll gain from that is the even more untrust in a guy, oh and come on to make herself feel that deeply with untrust he must be doing something to make her feel that way. And no he doesnt have to be a mind reader in reationships there are two people, not a thrid party aka a srink. talking is the best way of comfronting each other. working differences out.all women need encouragement if theyre lying or not, they need to feel that they have a strong man to look out for them, someone to hold there hand and not run out when the first sign of trouble comes along. Like my best mate just had a baby by her ex bf. He current BF bailed. but he bailed the first second she told him and thought he was the father. come on the girl need a hand to hold a rose to make her believe that you trust her, if she cheated in the past then prfft that the past people change.

[itsallgrand]

Willow, I'm a woman and respectfully disagree with you.

 

I personally would not want to run a man through the ringer like this, and my respect for him would slide down the more abuse he took. And yes, unfair accusations and withdrawing affection is an unhealthy thing to do.

 

People with trust issues can only resolve them on their own, or with the help of a professional. We all like to have someone by our side: but if we can not give back that same trust and support, it is an unbalanced relationship.

 

Women are not little fawns needing rescue. She will survive if he chooses to leave, bc the relationship is not meeting his needs.

 

I do believe this girl needs to resolve these issues within herself before she can be a trustworthy partner.

my thoughts.

[Willow2609]

. Good self esteem and being secure in themselves are some of those qualities. This girl doesn't have those things.QUOTE]

 

 

A girl doesnt have to have good self esteem jeez i didnt until i felt wanted by my bf, he makes me feel wanted and sexy and indevidual, just what this girl needs. A girl can start to feel all those things once she has found a man shes sees will love her for her, not just by hormones.

[novaseeker]

. Good self esteem and being secure in themselves are some of those qualities. This girl doesn't have those things.QUOTE]

 

 

A girl doesnt have to have good self esteem jeez i didnt until i felt wanted by my bf, he makes me feel wanted and sexy and indevidual, just what this girl needs. A girl can start to feel all those things once she has found a man shes sees will love her for her, not just by hormones.

 

Eh ... relying on another person for the source of your self esteem is very unhealthy emotionally. You should have your own self esteem before you have a relationship with someone else.

[Willow2609]

im not saying "Women are not little fawns needing rescue." im saying behind every women theres a strong man nad behind everyman there a strong women like ying yang, one needs the other im just putting accross that, i believe that this women need reasurance, maybe this guy doesnt now why she cheated in the first place. maybe if i new her or him my view would change but for my pov give her a chance tlk to her, he must have been attracted to her in the first place, why ruin 7 mnths on trust.

[RandomAdvisor]

Benfit, From Consilling the only thing she'll gain from that is the even more untrust in a guy

 

And how would counsiling do that? Because her boyfriend talked to her openly and honestly about his feelings that she should go the way a trustworthy person would?

 

 

 

oh and come on to make herself feel that deeply with untrust he must be doing something to make her feel that way.

 

You are missing the point of the post. The whole reason he is here is because he is NOT doing anything to make her lose trust in him. She doesn't trust him because of her own baggage she had before she got together with him.

 

 

in reationships there are two people, not a thrid party aka a srink

 

If a couple can get along fine without any of them needing therapy - great. But many couples have benefited greatly from one of them (or both of them together) going to therapy.

 

 

they need to feel that they have a strong man to look out for them, someone to hold there hand and not run out when the first sign of trouble comes along. Like my best mate just had a baby by her ex bf. He current BF bailed. but he bailed the first second she told him and thought he was the father. come on the girl need a hand to hold a rose to make her believe that you trust her, if she cheated in the past then prfft that the past people change.

 

There is really no comparison between the OP leaving his GF because of her insecurity and your friend's BF running because she was pregnant. It's extremely unfair for you to even make that comparison.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

sometimes when people accuse their partner alot, it's really them...

[Iceman26]

sometimes when people accuse their partner alot, it's really them...

 

Thats what I was saying. I don't know what that has to do with me "siding" with a specific gender. I would've said the same thing if the poster had been female.

 

Hey thats right Someguy, we do share the same b-day. Right on!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Thats what I was saying. I don't know what that has to do with me "siding" with a specific gender. I would've said the same thing if the poster had been female.

 

Hey thats right Someguy, we do share the same b-day. Right on!

 

right, i didn't mention gender.

 

but yes i had a bf who got accusational when i: made eye contact with a male, wore my hair a different way, wore a dress, wore jeans, had a new article of clothing or jewelry, got invited to any event (even got accused of having an affair with a band member because some guy had stuck a band flyer on my car!)...hey you pretty much name it. i was totally innocent! but i think he might have actually had a lot of ideas floating around in his own head.

[mrrisotto]

Thanks everyone for your responses, they were very helpful!

 

I constantly get the feeling that she's purposely sabotaging things. If thats the case, it could be for a number of reasons... either she wants to end things with me and is doing it in a non-direct manor (which isn't what she's told me), she's still dealing with baggage (her ex-boyfriend was physically abusive, so some immediate trust issues arrise from that), maybe she's insecure about our relationship and just needs time to figure things out on her own, or as someone else mentioned, she's afraid I'm going to leave her for someone else because I'm (in her words) a "catch." I don't know.

[RandomAdvisor]

If she's trying to sabotage things (consciously or unconsciously) none of the reasons can be good, and all of them would be reason enough to walk away from a relationship at this point.

 

If it were a longterm relationship and this was a new issue I would definitely advise you to try and work things out. But you've been with this girl less than a year, and you're still in the honey moon period.

 

And for the record, my GF didn't exactly have the best self esteem when we got together either. But she never did anything to try and sabotage the relationship, or question my love/loyalty to her. She had a lot of issues from her past she had never really been able to discuss with anyone and I was there for her. We've been together for five years now.