He has a drinking problem - now what??

[whatsagirltodo]

My bestfriend confided in me that she is worried her boyfriend is turning into an alcoholic. Neither of us know much about alcohol and what constitutes as being alcoholic and she asked me what I would do in her situation. Apparently her boyfriend is down in the dumps alot and he was diagnosed with depression as a teenager, and takes a very low dose of some medication for it. She says he only drinks when he's feeling really down and upset about how he's a "failure" and an "@**hole"(that's what she said he always calls himself when he's drunk)

 

i was surprised when she told me that he'll get drunk every so often (more frequent recently) and they'll have HUGE fights over their relationship and feelings and whatever other stuff they fight about. I can't imagine this guy doing this type of stuff, which is why i'm surprised. To me he always came off as this nice goodie-goodie who didn't do much other than a beer or two and used to smoke socially but now quit.

 

My friend called me a few hours ago crying that she was up until 3 in the morning fighting with her drunk boyfriend and even tried to dump him because she says she can't deal with his highs and lows, we talked about that before and this guy is very hot and cold with her. She told him it was over, which totally shocked me because I had no idea things were bad enough for her to dump him when she's obviously in love with this guy.

 

My advice to her was to try and help him, or get him help, but she says he denied last night that he was even drunk and gets extremely offended if she mentions his drinking.

 

She should not put up with this, I know, but I can't see her just leave this guy when she loves him. Shouldn't she try to help him?

 

What could she do to get him help, or at least make him realize what he's doing and how it's hurting not only himself but the people around him?

 

Again, this is shocking to me because this guy seems so innocent! He really is a nice, sweet guy, I would never have guessed he had a drinking problem.

[novaseeker]

Sad to say, but no, your friend should not stay with him and his drinking problem and try to help him out of it.

 

People who have drinking problems have to help themselves. Staying with them often serves to enable their problem and create codependency. The person with the problem needs to decide to make a change in their life, and regrettably that often requires bad things to happen to them first (relationships, legal issues, financial issues) before they will change. For your friend to go down that path would be self-destuctive for her.

[littlemiss26]

Twelve Steps

 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

 

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

 

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

 

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

9. Made a direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

 

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

 

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

 

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[littlemiss26]

Her common welfare should come first.

[novaseeker]

AA doesn't work for everyone, however, particularly not for people who are not into the spiritualist element of it (which permeates the "system" of the 12 steps). I don't think you have to believe in God or a "Higher Power", for example, to quit addictions.

 

Another approach: link removed

[whatsagirltodo]

How can we help him? This guy doesn't have any close relatives and pushes my friend (his girlfriend) away and then when she decides she wants to leave him he begs her not to...and worst of all, when he sleeps and wakes up sober, he just acts like nothing happened is happier than ever! It makes no sense! I don't understand this at all. If I'm confused by his behavior I have no idea how my friend is dealing with this. She came to me for help, and I really want to be able to help her but also her boyfriend is a friend of mine too, and if they were to break up I know we'd both still worry about him and want to help him get over this.

[littlemiss26]

I don't think you have to believe in god or a higher power either but some of the steps do make good points.

[whatsagirltodo]

Sorry, I took too long to reply and didn't see the other posts...If he won't admit he has a problem and won't go for help, what are we to do?

[novaseeker]

If he denies he has a problem (which he does, per your original post), there just isn't much you can do to help him. The first thing is for him to realise he has a problem and accept that. It appears he is at the denial stage at this point.

 

You can help people when they have decided that they have a problem and they want to change. Then you can help them execute that change, and support them in it, if it is sincere. But if they are in denial that they have a problem, you really can't do much to help, unfortunately.

[whatsagirltodo]

I have to admit that I'm dissappointed by the advice here, I just think there has to be some way to get him to come to terms BEFORE he ruins his life...It's not something that really affects me anyhow, I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to help my friend, things are going to be so hard for her...

[RandomAdvisor]

I have to admit that I'm dissappointed by the advice here

 

You may not like what you are being told but that doesn't make it any less true.

 

It's clear to me you don't have any experience in dealing with someone who has an addiction.

 

novaseeker is right on the money. You can't make someone change. They have to want to change themselves. Trying to help them when they don't want help is an effort in futility that is only going to end in heartbreak.

 

The best thing for your friend to do for both herself and her boyfriend is to leave him.

[kellbell]

Hi there whatagirltodo,

 

If someone does not want to be helped or denies there is a problem, there is not much one can do to help. I know, it is so frustrating to watch a trainwreck, believe me I know. But it goes with anything else in life...if a person is extremely opposed to admitting there is a problem...then there is nothing one can do. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it drink. Ever notice when a person smokes cigarettes and friends and family will leave articles about the dangers of it, go as far as showing grusome pictures of its horrible effects, he/she continues to smoke. The person whom smokes has to admit it is a problem and WANT to do something about it. Your friend staying with her boyfriend "enables" him to continue drinking...it is classified as a co-dependent relationship. I know she is worried about him, I would be too, but worrying about it shows she is trying to control something she simply has no control over.

 

In the end, people have to WANT to help THEMSELVES!!! Everyone is responsible for his/her own choices and actions. No one else. I am not saying alcoholism is a choice but what one decides to do about it if anything IS.

 

I am sorry you are disppointed in the advice here but unless your friend's BF admits he has a drinking problem, you both have hit a dead end. My only other piece of advice is organize an intervention. Round up people whom care about him and know about his drinking problem and confront him about it. Interventions have to be handled delicately because they can turn into a disaster.

 

I will post some links on co-dependent relationships and information on how to do an intervention. Plus, you have to remember, what you are asking requires professional guidence and advice. There is hardly anyone whom is a regular here on Enotalone whom is qualified to do such things. We try to help the best way we can.

 

 

Co-dependency relationship links

 

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Staging an intervention links....

 

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[tylercdurden2004]

AA doesn't work for everyone, however, particularly not for people who are not into the spiritualist element of it (which permeates the "system" of the 12 steps). I don't think you have to believe in God or a "Higher Power", for example, to quit addictions.

 

Another approach: link removed

 

And the fact that people end up getting addicted to the 12 step programs.

[meli]

I am a child of an alcoholic father and I am very self destructive like your friends boyfriend. I am trying hard to change and be NORMAL all I have to say after reading what you wrote is that he is the only one who can change things. There is nothing you can do to make someone realize they have to get it for themselves and even then with therapy and support from others it is extremely hard.... we are who we are.

[whatsagirltodo]

Kellbell, thanks, those articles were very insightful. I know nothing about any of this I just know I hate seeing my friend being upset and wanting to help this guy that anyone can see she is in love with! I'm actually not too concerned with helping her boyfriend with his problem, I'm more worried about helping my friend deal with all this.

[kellbell]

"I'm more worried about helping my friend deal with all this."

 

There is a big difference between helping and trying "fix" things for others. And that is the general impression I got reading your original post.

 

That is wonderful you want to help her. Be there for her, listen to her, offer a shoulder to cry on. But be prepared to tell her things that she NEEDS to hear and not what she may WANT to hear. A true friend tells another friend what he/she needs to hear. It is hard but in the long run she will be better off. Other than being there for her when she needs you...there is not much else you can do and believe me, being there and supporting her is enough. Take care and let me know how things are going.

 

(((hugs)))

[scarew]

How old are you guys if you don't mind me asking? I am wondering because alot of times when people are younger they can't seem to think they could have a problem. I am 21 and am in AA. Not because I drank every day but because when I did drink it was for the wrong reasons (escaping my problems) and I was out of control. I am so thankful that I caught myself at a young age because it will be easier to quit (although its not easy). Anyways, I am not saying your friend should go to aa. It definetly helps to hang around other people that dont drink, but its not for everyone.

 

My advice is to sit down with this guy, alone, and try to understand if he realizes the severity of the situation. Does he realize that his gf is serious about leaving him? Does he realize that its mainly because of his drinking? That if he quit and found another way to deal with his problems, like say-I dont know, asking the one he loves for support, maybe he could SAVE his relationship?

 

The other day in AA we talked about how thankful we all are to be there. Not at the meeting, but in a place where we can admit we have a problem and can work towards a better life. The problem is, almost EVERYONE there paid a price to get there. I lost my relationship, and that was my wake up call. He took me back, for the record, but its unfortunate that I had to let it get to that point. I should have seen it earlier. Other people have paid even bigger prices. Lost their families, killed someone on the road, lost their jobs.

 

My heart reaches out to you and your friend. I hope you can try to save him and convince him to want to help himself before he too has to pay a great price to convince him to get help.

 

And remember, alcohol is a MAJOR depressant. So not only is it a simple bandaid on a major problem, the next few days after drinking your brain is even more lacking in seritonin (happy chemicals) than it was before. So you are more depressed, so you drink. That is why alcohol and a ton of mental disorders go hand in hand. In fact, when I was drinking only on the weekends, but smoking pot every day, I was told by several phsychiatrists, surprisingly, to focus on quitting the drinking. They all considered it much more harmful and remained concerned about it through every visit. But never mentioned the marijauna interestingly. NOT THAT I AM SAYING THAT HE SHOULD TAKE UP POT. Its just that alot of ppl realize the negative effects of marijuana but still drink, when in fact, alcohol is just as, if not MORE harmful.

 

(((HUGS))) I hope you guys will be ok

[whatsagirltodo]

Well my friend is 21 and her boyfriend is 22. I actually talked to her earlier and I kind of mentioned some things to her about what I was told on here...I didn't want her to know I posted about her on a message board, so I just sort of threw some things out there. She said that the other night was the worst it ever was and when she saw him last night, he told her that he's going to stop drinking. Scarew - when you said alcohol is a depressant, that makes a lot of sense. For a guy that's already down in the dumps a lot and stressed out, i guess that only multiplies his feelings. I just worry that this guy could be unstable enough to commit suicide. I know that he's already driven drunk before. I worry for him and for my friend. I just feel like I want to help, even though I can't...