Lesbian friend thinks life is over

[Starfall]

My girlfriend is a lesbian, I am straight. She is very close to me and has poured out her heart to me. She was in a relationship with a woman for many years and suddenly her girlfriend left her for a man. It was been at least a year now and her negativity about the world, life, people... it's horrible. I try to take her out, offer to go with her to gay places to meet people, nothing. She would rather sit home and die. Any advice?

[Tigris]

How long is it since the break up? It sounds to me like she's still grieving over the relationship. Maybe she just needs more time to adjust.

 

Is she going out to pubs, etc., with you at all?

[novaseeker]

She needs a good LGBT therapist ... to help her come out and then move along with finding someone who will love her back and not leave her. It's very sad what happened, of course, but that sadness can be overcome with time and with some help, perhaps.

[itsallgrand]

That's horrible. Poor woman sounds devastated; hard to blame her for feeling that way. Still, she needs some sort of reality check.

She's wasting her life crying.

 

Have you tried setting her up? I know it's not a full solution (therapy or a new job or moving or any change would be good for this girl) but being desired and pursued by another attractive person can really be a good 'snap' on the butt.

 

Thinking to how devasted i was when i lost my live-in bf of many years. I just wanted to give up and die. My friends forced me pretty much, into situations where men (one guy in particular had been eyeing me for a good while) were giving me full attention and wanted me.

None of it went very far, but I got a huge change of perspective, and a big old confidence boost.

I realized "There are other people in this world who want me exactly as I am. I am desirable and my life is not over!" lol.

 

worth a try

[antkojm1]

If its been a year, I would say she is stuck. She REALLY needs to see a LGBT therapist. You can find names of ones in your area through webmd. If you want any help with finding one, send me a private message.

 

Depression feeds off of itself. If she doesn't get help she will not escape from it any time soon.

[antkojm1]

Two things you can try:

 

1. When I was horribly depressed before, it took friends literally yelling at me and getting mad at me because of it to motivate me to try to feel better/figure out how. She might respond differently, but its worth a shot.

 

2. Buy a copy of "Feeling Good - The new mood therapy" by David Burns, and give it to her.

[itsallgrand]

You're a really good friend to her. It must be hard.

 

Yeah, sometimes it takes some serious intervention. When I was at my lowest, I did that same deal. My attitude was crap - basically 'leave me the bleep alone'.

Friends kept showing up - I hated it at the time.

They literally dragged me out of the house one day. Through me in the shower. I yelled my guts out. I cried. But I was grateful later. Got me to therapy and out.

Knew someone cared even when I didn't.

 

It doesn't work for everyone. It's last resort. It sometimes works though. Because at some point you will just give up from exhaustion after trying so hard with her, and that might be what it takes. Some people need to hit rock bottom.

 

I really feel for you and for her. I hope someone's suggestions help.

[MaggieD]

I agree she needs a good therapist. Maybe you can talk her into by saying something like "you can either go to therapy and find ways to heal yourself, or you can agree to let yourself feel miserable for the rest of your life."

 

She doesn't have to stay feeling this way forever. If she will do the things she needs to do (therapy, friends, etc) just to get better enough to do the things (going out, having a party, dating) that will help her snap out of the worst of it and move on she will feel better. It's a slow process, but it can't be over until you start it. That's the main thing you have to remember, imo.