Dating Perfectionist

[Jinx]

As of recent I've came to the decision that I would like to open myself up to the dating scene but I'm having a problem which I'm thinking is limiting at the least.

 

Recently I've been in cities and places locally which are at least to some degree welcoming of the GLBT community. I, on one occasion, had a woman come up and very openly flirt with me and she was a lesbian. On another case the women didn't put out her orientation but I'm pretty much making the assumption she was. There have been several other women I've just socialized which were out, just platonic. Kind of acquaintances.

 

Yet, I'm having a problem pointing out incompatibility with lesbians before I even get to know them. Pretty much by first conversation they've been crossed off my list for something. One woman I did meet at a local cafe I found is Bisexual, we clicked but eventually she made it clear she is just a regular for the cafe not the people and is on a man hunt and not currently interested in women. My luck. On another note, I always told myself I'd never get involved with a Bisexual woman and here I am unhappy about what she told me.

 

Secondly, I have my here there straight women crushes which are driving me up a wall. The friend which I came out to that is my friend and have a crush on, as I suspected she is out looking for a boyfriend and has this almost obsession like crush on a guy. I can't say I'm jealous about it because it isn't that strong and I kind of realized this would happen but its been all the more bothersome.

 

I can eliminate and tolerate flaws of straight men and women, bisexual women, gay men but I just cannot deal with these things in other lesbians and I'm really trying to figure out why. When I dated men, back in the day, I was just sort of okay he is nice go with it even if it was obvious we weren't the most compatible and I wasn't all that interested.

 

Then I have the straight women which I've had crushes on, some were so far from compatible with me it didn't matter. This Bisexual woman isn't perfect by any means but still she is there.

 

I'm confusing myself. I realize that there is no way I can find someone if I keep cutting off chances but my logic is being counteracted by my emotion, which hardly ever happens with me in such life cases if I have a good rational say in it.

 

I'm just not having that same social chemistry with them that I do everyone else, there isn't the clicking along. It may just be the lesbians I've encountered but relatively speaking they weren't that much different from the women I've had crushes on just orientation differences.

 

I'd love input. Its been a mildly troubling issue as I've had chances and lost each because of whatever this is.

[neolithic]

my roommate is the same way. i think she's really a lesbian, even though she still dates guys, sort of. the only people she ever gets really nervous, critical, or upset over, though, are girls. she'll date and sleep with ANY guy, and if he never calls her again, she could care less. she seems sort of cold-hearted, maybe, but she would cry and cry over her long-term girlfriend. so, i think it's normal.

 

and have you had an actual girlfriend before? that might make a difference.. if you are telling yourself you're putting yourself out there, but you are still sort of scared, it'd be easy to be more critical of your options.

 

i'm bisexual (i know i know), but i've realized it's flatly sexual and that's about it.. i don't want another relationship with a girl. my point is, i'm not that picky at all when it comes to girls, but i'm soo irritatingly choosy when it comes to a boy. i think it's only natural. also, the fact that the lesbian population is hugely smaller than the heterosexual population is obviously going to make it more difficult to find someone you really like, but keep going and keep putting yourself out there. try not to be intimidated by the real possibility with other lesbians. it's easy to have other crushes on straight women because nothing can come of it. but keep putting yourself out there and it will happen. give these women chances; sometimes it takes more than just one conversation to tell if you could be wild about them or hate their guts. good luck!!

[Tigris]

I kept falling for straight women in the beginning and I got that sick of it that I said, 'That's enough! If they want me they can come and find me, I'm sick of being embarrassed.' I stopped looking and my Fiancee found me.

 

Maybe this will work for you too?

 

Good luck

[kadvati79]

You sound incredibly precise, and very sure and certain. You are a thinker, and you are also very hard on yourself.

 

I think honestly you are putting too much pressure on yourself to connect with these people. I was this way for a long time, but then every now and then I would actually meet someone I connected with and was attracted too and respected at the same time. Thats the three things I need to pursue a relationship:

 

1. I have to connect with them

2. I have to be attracted to them

3. I have to respect them as an equal

 

I have tried to date where one of the three isn't present and it doesn't work.

 

Just keep looking, be open to going on dates with people who might not meet this, because at worst you make a new friend.

[novaseeker]

I can relate to the perfectionism thing. For me, I think it'e because I really don't like casual relationships much, so I tend to front-load things into a relationship.

 

The key, though, I think, is finding a place in your psyche where you can be open to foibles, and roll with them a bit. I know I have similar issues when it comes to other men: I do not want to deal with this or that messed up thing, I would just rather not be bothered with having a relationship then. But I've tried to fight that, because to be honest everyone has foibles and just because they have foibles doesn't mean they are incompatible. I try to remind myself that finding a suitable same-sex partner is hard enough as it is, and I ought not pile on top of that my own obstacles.

 

I guess the conclusion I have drawn for my own life is that of course I'm not going to "settle" for someone who doesn't fit ... but the person who "fits" is going to be a pretty imperfect person with some foibles, and hopefully at least some of those foibles I will find endearing.

[Backstroke03]

Thats the three things I need to pursue a relationship:

 

1. I have to connect with them

2. I have to be attracted to them

3. I have to respect them as an equal

 

I have tried to date where one of the three isn't present and it doesn't work.

 

.

 

Great post -- I never really thought about putting in such a concise list, but that's exactly how it has to be for me. Without any of these elements it won't work, and with me at least I know pretty quickly if one is missing.

 

As for everything, try not to overthink the situation. Go with your feelings -- you'll know what to do.

[Jinx]

All of the posts helped me with my view of the situation.

 

and have you had an actual girlfriend before?

 

Nope this is my first time looking for a girlfriend.

 

I think honestly you are putting too much pressure on yourself to connect with these people.

Never quite thought about it that way, but it makes excellent sense. Trying so hard it isn't working, whereas those which I have no reason to "require" a connection I can have better conversation and casual time with, getting to know all along the way.

 

The breakdown for pursuing a relationship was excellent, that really did hit the nail on the head in dating terms.

 

I kept falling for straight women in the beginning and I got that sick of it that I said, 'That's enough! If they want me they can come and find me, I'm sick of being embarrassed.' I stopped looking and my Fiancee found me.

I've strongly considered that as it seems like a neverending list of pointless straight girl crushes that I am developing and doesn't help me in any shape or form, frustrating at the very least of it all.

 

I can relate to the perfectionism thing. For me, I think it'e because I really don't like casual relationships much, so I tend to front-load things into a relationship.

 

This sounds like myself and which is probably part of the problem I'm having, too. Since in reality the chances that the first relationship will be "The One" is slim to none in most cases, but still I guess I'm still thinking in Long Term relationship, terms and crossing them off because some don't appear to be as dedicated to looking for the same thing. Maybe, though I could even be wrong about myself.