I need help ASAP

[mom to 3]

Ok. After a huge blow up - my husband has decided again that he wants to file for divorce. He said this a little over a year ago - about a month before I had my daughter he walked out. After a month of NC he told me he wanted to work things out. Well, it's been a bumpy year and needless to say we learned nothing and we're right back where we were a year ago. I've gone through three hard days of NC (he hasn't called me since deciding to file for divorce but I finally stopped calling/texting/emailing) but I'm going to be going to my mom's house tomorrow.

 

He's living with my mom until he saves up to get a place with a friend of his and I waited all week to go see her because I know he'll be at work tomorrow and I can let my kids spend time with her without having to run into him. I was going to take him his mail but I'm also thinking about leaving my wedding ring set and the marriage certificate. He knows I'm against getting divorced. I spent Sun-Wed begging him to sit down and talk to me so we could work things out but he's sticking to saying he's done and filing for divorce. I just don't know if giving him my rings and the certificate is a good idea...if he'd see it as me saying I agree with filing for divorce or if it'd be a wake up call. Would this be breaking NC? Is it a good idea?

 

I need help fast - I'll be going to my mom's in less than 12hrs.

 

edit: I forgot to mention, I'm about 7wks from having our second child. My mother and I think it's no coincidence that he's doing this right around the same time he did it when I had our first...

[mmmending]

if he wishes to get a divorce, and you don't.. it might be easier on you in the long run not to do anything that would appear that you are going along with it..

 

to return the rings and the marriage cert. is a gesture that seems like you are cooperating with what is apparently his choice..

 

also, speculating here, but a clever lawyer might be able to twist your actions that in some way down the road may put you at a disadvantage

 

if he wants to get a divorce, then maybe just let him do all the legwork to make it so.. all the rigamarole involved might give him cause to have a sober second thought about this

 

it's late, you're upset.. go easy on yourself

[mom to 3]

I'll keep my rings and the wedding certificate.

 

I have already decided not to do anything in terms of filing for divorce. Last time he said he wanted to get one I was trying to rush the process (without his knowledge) and putting all the work on myself. I read somewhere that that's just making it easy for the person who wants to get out. If I leave it all up to him and he sees for himself the amount of money, time and work it is to get a divorce - he could just change his mind (which is what I think happened last time).

 

The funny thing is - last time he suggested divorce I let it be known I was against it up until a week before I had our daughter. To this day he says I was the one who wanted to get divorced and I was the first person to mention it when, if anything, I was the one always trying to work it out.

 

Thank you, mmmending. I didn't think I'd get a reply before I headed to bed.

[Tigris]

It sounds to me like he's playing games with you. I suggest you let him play his game and totally ignore it. Once he realises you're not playing he'll stop because he won't be getting that buzz anymore. On the other hand if he's serious about the divorce you'll know soon enough when papers arrive from his solicitor for you to sign.

[novaseeker]

I live in Virginia, and was divorced in Virginia about 3 years ago.

 

Do you still live together? In Virginia there is a 12 month separation period required before you can file for divorce (since you have minor children). So if he hasn't been living apart from you for 12 months, he can't file for divorce in Virginia unless there are other grounds (adultery, abuse, etc.).

 

In any case, if he wants to get divorced, he will get divorced. You can't really stop him from doing it if he is dead set on it. And you can't really slow down or speed up the process much either, beyond the time period I refer to above, unless you want to litigate about things in court, and that costs you time/money/aggravation as well. You ought not be hoping he doesn't opt for divorce because of the time/hassle/expense ... that's looking at things the wrong way. You should be looking at whether the underlying problems in the marriage are fixable or not.

 

What are the underlying issues in your marriage? How did things get to this point? Are the issues solvable at all?

[shyanne]

I'll keep my rings and the wedding certificate.

 

i'm glad you have decided to keep the rings.... even if you and your husband do get a divorce, those rings belong to your daughter. doesn't matter about the certificate, just paper. something may be over but the rings are or will be very special to the daughter you share.

[RandomAdvisor]

If I leave it all up to him and he sees for himself the amount of money, time and work it is to get a divorce - he could just change his mind (which is what I think happened last time).

 

 

Staying together because a divorce is too much trouble is one of the last reasons a couple should stay together. Unless the problems which are leading him to think of divorce are not resolved ultimately he will become so unhappy being with you that the cost/benefit anaylsis will change, and he will decide that getting a divorce isn't so much trouble after all.

 

Other than the fact that you are soon to have a child again, you don't really allude to what the problems are between you. What's going on in this relationship that makes him want to leave?

 

I agree that you should not give him the ring and certificate.

 

Have you two tried counseling together?

[mom to 3]

I didn't check back here til just now. I went to my mom's and left his mail. It was hard to see all of his things and not him. I'd been doing ok for the most part for the past couple of days but today was a hard one.

 

I'll try to answer everyone's questions:

 

It sounds to me like he's playing games with you. I suggest you let him play his game and totally ignore it. Once he realises you're not playing he'll stop because he won't be getting that buzz anymore. On the other hand if he's serious about the divorce you'll know soon enough when papers arrive from his solicitor for you to sign.

 

I totally agree. Talking to my mom (she's since stopped telling me things he's said) she's pretty much said she thinks he's playing games and honestly - he's going in the same pattern he did when he left me over a year ago. I told her I can pretty much predict the next thing he's going to say if he continues to go the way he has been...

 

I posted here once or twice right before I had my daughter and read about NC and started immediately. I had gone 4wks begging, pleading, calling, texting, crying and nothing was working so NC seemed like the best idea. I think my mistake was that 3wks after I had our daughter (about 4wks NC) he called and said he wanted us as a family again and I immediately accepted it. This time I only went 4 days begging, calling, texting, crying before starting NC on thursday.

 

Do you still live together? In Virginia there is a 12 month separation period required before you can file for divorce (since you have minor children). So if he hasn't been living apart from you for 12 months, he can't file for divorce in Virginia unless there are other grounds (adultery, abuse, etc.).

 

My husband walked out of the house on March 3, 2005 - one month and 9 days before I had our first daughter. We have lived together sporadically because of different reasons - we were residing with my father (which is one of the reasons he claimed he left in the first place) and during an argument I moved in with my husband from September 2005 to January 2006. I moved back in with my father because my husband said he was going to join the military and I thought with being pregnant and having two other kids to take care of, living with my dad while he was away at bootcamp would be easiest. He hasn't joined the military yet so we've just been living here.

 

What are the underlying issues in your marriage? How did things get to this point? Are the issues solvable at all?

 

I think the problems are solvable - he does not. Basically it comes down to trust - he's told me things that I've later found out not to be true - who he was with or what he was doing. We met on the internet so that has always been a trust issue on both sides. I design web sites and I'm online quite often and it has always bothered him. I remained friends with someone I slept with when I went to school in Atlanta 7 years ago - but we only talked online. That was always an issue. At the time I wasn't willing to give up on my friendships because I told him it was nothing to worry about - with him being so far away and the fact that he knows I'm married and I know his girlfriend. He also has stated that he's felt like I don't see us as a family - I treat him as an outsider. When tax time came I got upset because he wanted to take half of the return money and buy a motorcycle for himself instead of thinking about us and the kids. I instead filed separate (which was the last argument we had. I waited 4 days to call him and he said that he had decided to file for divorce) because I had paid for everything for our daughter and (his step)son until I moved in with him in September. He refused to help pay for day care because I wouldn't leave the children with him during the day when he was living with two other people who stayed up drinking all night and had a lot of people I did not know walking in and out of the house all day. I've asked that we sit down and talk about the problems that he feels have led him to want to file for divorce but he won't tell me what they are and isn't willing to talk to me.

 

Have you two tried counseling together?

 

I've suggested counseling and he refuses to go. He had a lot of problems with abandonment with his parents - he's lived on his own since he was 14 so for 10 years he's been by himself. He doesn't talk to his family besides a couple of brothers and sisters and even then - they're spread all over the US so he never sees them. I think he held on to a lot of trust issues he had with his ex before me (didn't find out til the separation that the time period between when they broke up and we started dating was less than 2wks) and issues with his parents.

 

It's frustrating because I don't think there is anything here that isn't fixable. I haven't cheated on him, he hasn't cheated on me, we argue about the same things (money, trust, internet) but he has never hit me or threatened me or our children. He loves our kids and he said he loved me. I just can't figure out what to do to make things right. I hate thinking about it because it makes me cry. I just feel so helpless.

[novaseeker]

Alright.

 

I think since you last lived together in January 2006, he won't be able to file for divorce until early 2007. I believe it has to be an uninterrupted period of 12 months living clearly apart from each other. So on that score, it doesn't seem likely anything will happen quickly.

 

I'm saddened to hear of your husband's behavior. He does not seem to want to behave responsibly towards you and your children if he is behaving that way (walking out, not paying for child care and so forth). It seems like, for whatever reason, he has checked out of the marriage. I know how frustrating that can be ... the problem is, you can't really change someone else's mind about these things very easily. It's hard to accept, but at the same time, it's very hard to think you can really change someone when in reality you can't.

 

If he continues to live apart from you, you need him to provide some support for your children. I know you may be reluctant to do that, because that appears to be leading down the divorce path, which you want to avoid, but at the same time while you are living apart you really do need to have financial support, and if he isn't providing that he's just being irresponsible, and in my view you owe it to your kids to get him to support them.

 

Again, I'm sorry this is happening. It's a crazy situation we sometimes find ourselves in when these kinds of things happen. But try to focus on what's best for your kids right now, for the time being, because that is something you can impact more than trying to get your husband to change his mind or his behaviors.

[mom to 3]

Ok. The wondering why it's over has been answered. Not only did I find comments left on an 18yr old's myspace page - my brother caught him in the mall with a girl - both happened today.

 

I'M about to be the one filing for divorce. I'm finished.

 

Thanks for everyone's help here. I was busy blaming myself - I'm happy that I found the real reason for all of this...

[novaseeker]

I'd recommend you get a lawyer and get the custody/child support situation sorted. The child support is owed from the time of separation (sounds like that's January 2006).

 

If you can *prove* adultery or cruelty, you can forego waiting 12 months, but that may be hard to prove.

 

Good luck with this. It's a very hard time. Try to stay focused on what's best for your kids in this situation and reach out to your friends for support.

[mom to 3]

Thanks. My main focus has been taking care of my kids and preparing for the next one coming in another month or so.

 

I don't think I have much to prove. He's flaunting it in my face. He has told members of my family about what's going on and my mom has already told me that she will be witness to what he's doing when I need her to be.

 

I'm actually taking it pretty well becuase like I said, he was making me feel like everything was my fault and I did something wrong when really it was because he had someone else he was trying to be with. Knowing that it's not my fault has made me feel a lot better. It hurt at first but I'll live.

 

I have a question. Do you know if screenshots of her page and comments he's made could be used as evidence in court?

 

Thanks a lot, novaseeker. You've been a lot of help.

[novaseeker]

 

I don't think I have much to prove. He's flaunting it in my face. He has told members of my family about what's going on and my mom has already told me that she will be witness to what he's doing when I need her to be.

 

Well, that will help, certainly.

 

'm actually taking it pretty well becuase like I said, he was making me feel like everything was my fault and I did something wrong when really it was because he had someone else he was trying to be with. Knowing that it's not my fault has made me feel a lot better. It hurt at first but I'll live.

 

I can understand how that makes it easier for you, if only slightly. You'll be better off in the long run when you can put this behind you.

 

I have a question. Do you know if screenshots of her page and comments he's made could be used as evidence in court?

 

Yes, they can be. The court will examine whether they are authentic or not, and the other side will be able to dispute that if they wish to, but to the extent that they are indicative of an extramarital relationship, the court will look at them. This is a good time to be thinking of all of that kind of stuff, as annoying and painful as it may be. You will need it for your case, and it's best to get that part of it out of the way so you don't have to dredge around for things later on, and stir up old hurts at that stage.

 

Again, good luck with this and hang in there.