mom to 3

Thanks, Princess for your response. I'll answer your questions. I have never cheated on my husband. The only time I talked to other men were the other two times he said he wanted a divorce and he was done with me AFTER I found out he had other females he was spending time with. I know two wrongs don't make a right - but if someone keeps telling you they don't want to be with you and they're persuing a divorce - was I supposed to sit around and cry into my pillow until he changed his mind? Even then, I do not have time or make time to go out with anyone. I work full time, have three kids I take care of and my father refuses to watch my kids so I can run around. He feels that if I made them - I should give up the social life to take care of them, much like he did for my brothers and I. The two friends of mine, I do know in real life. One was a friend of mine when we were in college - I've known him almost 10 years now. Even after I had my children and returned back home, he's kept in contact with me to see if my children and I are okay. I value his friendship because after the few boyfriends I've had since having my first child came and went - he remained a friend and someone for me to lean on when I was having a hard time. My other friend I've known for 4 years and he's currently traveling in the Navy. I also value my friendship with him because we both give each other advice and he's generally concerned with my well being and the well being of my children. Now I will admit, I had a sexual relationship with my college friend back in 1998 - but the relationship has been nothing but platonic since then and I haven't even seen him since I left school in 1999. We talk online and on the phone every once in awhile. I was honest with my husband and told him that we had slept together years ago - before my first child was even born. Although, like I said, he has a girlfriend now that I do know and talk to - he's insecure with the relationship I have with both of these men. Now, I don't have definite proof that he has cheated but there have been things I have found (naked pictures of a girl in his phone (that his female friend supposedly took - and backed up his lie), pictures of him with another girl when he told me he returned up north to visit family, text messages) that suggest that he has been unfaithful in the marriage. I've asked him to just be truthful - even when he said he was finished with me and was moving on he denied it to the end. He still does. I revised a copy of my father's separation agreement with his second wife and I will be printing it out and giving it to him when he comes to see the kids this coming week. I have decided that we're better off apart. I refuse to stay married to someone who does not want to be with me. I, nor any of my friends, can see the logic in this. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. My best friend says that he wants to keep me as a backup - and he probably feels as long as we remain married legally - I will always leave him the chance to come back. She's saying he may change his story once I give him the papers - he may decide that he wants to work things out. I honestly feel that I will turn down any chance of working things out - because we'll be right back at this point in another 6mos or so. edit to add: He also used to mention me placing these friendships above the marriage. I feel like he wants me to cut off all contact with any males period - but I can look in his phone and find nothing but females (but they're okay cause they all work with him). I don't think it is fair to ask someone to give up friends they've had for years but it's okay for him to add random females that he supposedly works with? Plus when we first got married, he used to take me to his job and called me his wife even BEFORE we got married. He's changed jobs twice since then and has never taken me inside or introduced me to anyone. A couple of the females I've found out about have been friends or relatives of people he's worked with. There is no coincidence that he stopped taking me to his jobs right around the time he decided to check out of the marriage. I've initiated no contact since Tuesday. He texted me on Friday asking me if I had a new man yet. I didn't reply.

I'm finding the whole situation extremely selfish on his part. He doesn't want to be with me - he's decided to leave this relationship and leave me to care for our children alone - but he doesn't want to hear that I'd be with someone else. Why would he decide to leave but not accept the fact or want to think about another man being there? He wants to be upset that my phone is ringing when not even two weeks prior he was saying he wanted a divorce and there was no further discussion. I'm supposed to be alone forever just because he doesn't want to be a part of this family? I know he has issues and that my children and I are most likely better off without him - but my heart won't listen. During my 2 weeks of NC, I kept telling myself that he was doing us all a favor by walking away - because he was stronger than I was and I knew although I should, I'd never be able to do it. I honestly love him and this is hurting me. I can't understand why logic is telling me this is good and to let go but my heart won't follow through. I know I could just go file myself but I know I couldn't bring myself to do it right now. I want to buy a car and get a place of my own by January but I don't want to have anything in my name if I'm still tied to him. I know although he's walked out of the door, as long as we're still married everything is half his. I can get into his abandonment issues. His apparent lack of trust for anyone - doesn't matter if you've betrayed him or not - and his insecurity because of ex-girlfriends cheating on him. They're all issues I keep telling him we should go to counseling for, because I know I have trust issues with him that I keep trying to get over but can't among other things. He just won't go. He claims he's been to counseling before and it didn't work for him. I can't understand why this is so hard for me. Logic is telling me to go. I just can't go.

He needs residency to be able to file in Virginia. He's been staying at friends houses in DC and I don't know their policy. I was thinking that was part of it. He keeps me on the defensive by accusing me of already having someone else when we both know I don't want to have anyone else (because I do go into the crying/begging stage before not talking to him at all) and I figured by accusing me, it kept me off of what he might be doing because I'd be too busy defending myself. I think he's playing games with me but I can't understand why. We have two kids and he's been the only father my oldest son has known. Why would you put someone through this? I can't wrap my brain around it...

Ok. My husband and I have been married for two years now. We had a lot of fights over suspected infidelity (on both sides, although I really don't believe I've done anything to not be trusted. I work, come home and take care of my kids. I don't go out - don't talk on the phone - nothing. I have two male friends that I kept in contact with online who both live states away and have girlfriends. That's one of his major issues w/me.) and jealousy on both sides. He's said he wanted a divorce twice now...the third time was about three weeks ago. Everytime I've started off with the "I'm okay" pissed off attitude and let it go for about three days before reality set in and I went into the begging/pleading stage. I eventually went into acceptance and initiated no contact (with him having no knowledge I was doing so) and he'd come back and want to work things out within a month. I went back both times (I made it way too easy) and eventually, about six months later he'd say he wanted a divorce again because "nothing changed". Of course nothing changed, he refuses to go to counseling, doesn't want to discuss the issues that got us to the point we were at, just wants to get back together and act like nothing happened. That is until we got into another argument then everything I'd ever done wrong since we met was thrown into my face as to reasons why he wanted out again. So now we're in the "I want a divorce" stage. I told him if he said it this time, he'd better mean it cause I was going to follow through on it. I'm tired of him treating this family like an option he can easily get in and out of at the drop of a dime. He said he was sure, only wanted to see the kids, and he'd be coming by every Monday or Tuesday night on his days off to see them. The first visit was last week and it was hard. I had already gone through the I'm ok stage and then the crying/begging/pleading stage before I finally initiated no contact for two weeks before he came over to see our kids. At first, I didn't speak to him and couldn't even look at him. My phone rang and he jumped up and tried to leave. I asked him to stay to spend time with the kids because our kids hadn't seen him in so long. He accused me of already having someone else and whoever this person was, was the person who called me. We argued about things that happened in the relationship before he agreed to come back inside. After he left, he texted me about having something fixed on my car. We texted back and forth that night and the next morning when I told him I wanted to discuss what was going on - he said that he had already told me he wanted a divorce. I had taken him holding a decent conversation with me as wanting to work things out. I told him if he wanted a divorce to pay for it and I would file, since I have a permanent residence in virginia and he doesn't. He said he'd have to see how his money was at the end of the month, which was when I told him I wanted to file by. We didn't talk for the rest of the week until I texted him (ugh) on Monday morning asking if he was coming to see the kids. He replied that he had to work and would only be able to come by in the morning. I stupidly stayed home today to let him see the kids and everything was going okay - but I could tell he still didn't want to discuss what was going on. I brought up the fact that he was avoiding the issue and we needed to discuss what was about to happen. He asked what I meant and I told him if he wanted a divorce I was filing or if we were going to work things out we were going to do that. That there was no inbetween or uncertainty anymore. He asked me why I wouldn't pay for the divorce - I told him I did not support that and would not pay for it. He said he refused to pay unless he filed and I mentioned the fact that he would have to be a resident of the state for six months and he has no permanent residence right now. He said he'd use our residence, I told him he could not because we had to be living apart for a year, to which he said we haven't been (we have). He then said that no matter what - if we're together or not - he'll always be there. I told him that wasn't the point and that something had to give either way. He said he didn't want to be with me but didn't want to get divorced. That things with us just don't work but that we could stay married since we have the kids together. He would have his residence, I would have mine and we could spend time at each other's house and be able to go back to where we lived so that things didn't "become complicated". I told him that wouldn't work, and that I had to let this go if it's over and I can't hold on to this relationship on my own because it was too hard. He hugged me and I started crying - which made him let go. Old arguments were brought up by him, he again said we didn't have to get a divorce - just not be together. That I was stressing this divorce thing and I should let it go. He again brought up that I had someone else (why would I keep crying to him about staying together if there was someone else? I don't get it!) and if I ever did have a boyfriend and something happened - he'd be over here in a second to straighten the guy out. He told me to stop stressing divorce and just let things go. Why would someone who says they don't want to be with you not want to make it final? He gets mad one day when I say that if he's not there with me and my kids - someone else eventually will be but then the next tells me if my next boyfriend acts up he'd "be there to handle it". What is he doing? Why is he putting me through this hell? Needless to say, day one of no contact (or limited contact since he will be over weekly to see the kids) starts tomorrow. I sent my final text message after he left (he had said we weren't friends and I texted that I always considered him my friend so him saying that hurt - to which I got no reply) and I'm not going to say anything else unless it has to do with him coming to see our kids next week. I just can't understand why he's putting me through this hell. If he wants to be without me - why can't we just be divorced so I can move on? If it's over, I just have to be able to move on. I'm hurting too much the way things are. I have to know in my heart it's over so I can move on... Sorry this was so long. I didn't think it was going to be...

Thanks. My main focus has been taking care of my kids and preparing for the next one coming in another month or so. I don't think I have much to prove. He's flaunting it in my face. He has told members of my family about what's going on and my mom has already told me that she will be witness to what he's doing when I need her to be. I'm actually taking it pretty well becuase like I said, he was making me feel like everything was my fault and I did something wrong when really it was because he had someone else he was trying to be with. Knowing that it's not my fault has made me feel a lot better. It hurt at first but I'll live. I have a question. Do you know if screenshots of her page and comments he's made could be used as evidence in court? Thanks a lot, novaseeker. You've been a lot of help.

Ok. The wondering why it's over has been answered. Not only did I find comments left on an 18yr old's myspace page - my brother caught him in the mall with a girl - both happened today. I'M about to be the one filing for divorce. I'm finished. Thanks for everyone's help here. I was busy blaming myself - I'm happy that I found the real reason for all of this...

I didn't check back here til just now. I went to my mom's and left his mail. It was hard to see all of his things and not him. I'd been doing ok for the most part for the past couple of days but today was a hard one. I'll try to answer everyone's questions: I totally agree. Talking to my mom (she's since stopped telling me things he's said) she's pretty much said she thinks he's playing games and honestly - he's going in the same pattern he did when he left me over a year ago. I told her I can pretty much predict the next thing he's going to say if he continues to go the way he has been... I posted here once or twice right before I had my daughter and read about NC and started immediately. I had gone 4wks begging, pleading, calling, texting, crying and nothing was working so NC seemed like the best idea. I think my mistake was that 3wks after I had our daughter (about 4wks NC) he called and said he wanted us as a family again and I immediately accepted it. This time I only went 4 days begging, calling, texting, crying before starting NC on thursday. My husband walked out of the house on March 3, 2005 - one month and 9 days before I had our first daughter. We have lived together sporadically because of different reasons - we were residing with my father (which is one of the reasons he claimed he left in the first place) and during an argument I moved in with my husband from September 2005 to January 2006. I moved back in with my father because my husband said he was going to join the military and I thought with being pregnant and having two other kids to take care of, living with my dad while he was away at bootcamp would be easiest. He hasn't joined the military yet so we've just been living here. I think the problems are solvable - he does not. Basically it comes down to trust - he's told me things that I've later found out not to be true - who he was with or what he was doing. We met on the internet so that has always been a trust issue on both sides. I design web sites and I'm online quite often and it has always bothered him. I remained friends with someone I slept with when I went to school in Atlanta 7 years ago - but we only talked online. That was always an issue. At the time I wasn't willing to give up on my friendships because I told him it was nothing to worry about - with him being so far away and the fact that he knows I'm married and I know his girlfriend. He also has stated that he's felt like I don't see us as a family - I treat him as an outsider. When tax time came I got upset because he wanted to take half of the return money and buy a motorcycle for himself instead of thinking about us and the kids. I instead filed separate (which was the last argument we had. I waited 4 days to call him and he said that he had decided to file for divorce) because I had paid for everything for our daughter and (his step)son until I moved in with him in September. He refused to help pay for day care because I wouldn't leave the children with him during the day when he was living with two other people who stayed up drinking all night and had a lot of people I did not know walking in and out of the house all day. I've asked that we sit down and talk about the problems that he feels have led him to want to file for divorce but he won't tell me what they are and isn't willing to talk to me. I've suggested counseling and he refuses to go. He had a lot of problems with abandonment with his parents - he's lived on his own since he was 14 so for 10 years he's been by himself. He doesn't talk to his family besides a couple of brothers and sisters and even then - they're spread all over the US so he never sees them. I think he held on to a lot of trust issues he had with his ex before me (didn't find out til the separation that the time period between when they broke up and we started dating was less than 2wks) and issues with his parents. It's frustrating because I don't think there is anything here that isn't fixable. I haven't cheated on him, he hasn't cheated on me, we argue about the same things (money, trust, internet) but he has never hit me or threatened me or our children. He loves our kids and he said he loved me. I just can't figure out what to do to make things right. I hate thinking about it because it makes me cry. I just feel so helpless.

I'll keep my rings and the wedding certificate. I have already decided not to do anything in terms of filing for divorce. Last time he said he wanted to get one I was trying to rush the process (without his knowledge) and putting all the work on myself. I read somewhere that that's just making it easy for the person who wants to get out. If I leave it all up to him and he sees for himself the amount of money, time and work it is to get a divorce - he could just change his mind (which is what I think happened last time). The funny thing is - last time he suggested divorce I let it be known I was against it up until a week before I had our daughter. To this day he says I was the one who wanted to get divorced and I was the first person to mention it when, if anything, I was the one always trying to work it out. Thank you, mmmending. I didn't think I'd get a reply before I headed to bed.

Ok. After a huge blow up - my husband has decided again that he wants to file for divorce. He said this a little over a year ago - about a month before I had my daughter he walked out. After a month of NC he told me he wanted to work things out. Well, it's been a bumpy year and needless to say we learned nothing and we're right back where we were a year ago. I've gone through three hard days of NC (he hasn't called me since deciding to file for divorce but I finally stopped calling/texting/emailing) but I'm going to be going to my mom's house tomorrow. He's living with my mom until he saves up to get a place with a friend of his and I waited all week to go see her because I know he'll be at work tomorrow and I can let my kids spend time with her without having to run into him. I was going to take him his mail but I'm also thinking about leaving my wedding ring set and the marriage certificate. He knows I'm against getting divorced. I spent Sun-Wed begging him to sit down and talk to me so we could work things out but he's sticking to saying he's done and filing for divorce. I just don't know if giving him my rings and the certificate is a good idea...if he'd see it as me saying I agree with filing for divorce or if it'd be a wake up call. Would this be breaking NC? Is it a good idea? I need help fast - I'll be going to my mom's in less than 12hrs. edit: I forgot to mention, I'm about 7wks from having our second child. My mother and I think it's no coincidence that he's doing this right around the same time he did it when I had our first...