am i in a healthy relationship?

[cansomeonehelp]

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[melrich]

He is constantly getting on my case about working out, eatting better, dressing nice, quit smoking, and now, the newest one "getting a back bone".

 

He has control issues...get out.

 

is obsessed with the way i look and trying to mold me into being his "perfect dream girl".

 

He has self-esteem issues....get out.

 

he calls me retarded or stupid and an idiot.

 

Just get out.

[fishrrshortae]

Yes, this sounds very much like abuse. It is much less about you than him... He needs help.

[itsallgrand]

Sometimes i think its easy to stay with him, bc i dont have anyone else where im living right now. Can someone give me some advice. Is he abusive?

 

I believe the only reason you are staying with this jerk (he is treating you badly and you do not deserve this!) is because you are afraid you have no other options.

 

You need to get out of this situation. Call you mum, your friends, whoever you trust to listen and who is strong and will support you. Tell them you want to get away from this guy and you need a new place to live.

Maybe you can stay with a friend, or find a roomate, or go home for a while??

 

Definetly this is not a good place for you to be, and the fact that you wrote here with the name "cansomeonehelp' means that you do in fact want out.

 

Please call someone you trust and tell them what you've told us here. And be safe.

[Cyberchick]

Trying to control you --- what you wear, your weight, etc. --- and calling you names like stupid and retarded constitutes abuse. He has issues thar he needs to get therapy for, and until he seeks help and gets better, you need to get out of that relationship because it will destroy you psychologically and enotionally. Please get out. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

[target312]

yes, many people have been there. Your partner can be your best friend or your worst critic. In this situation, when do you think the abuse will stop. I am sorry, but they may not. The previous quote's were dead on, I know with your head and part of your heart you may want to be with him, and may at time love hime, but seriously, deep down inside, can you feel that something is wrong. You should not alow yourself to be treated this way. You're living together, so obviously thee were imporvments, so I'm sure there is room for more, if you do love him, try therapy, relationship counceling, if this fails even somewhat... Get the Hell out! Don't let anybody treat you this way. I fight w/ my g/f, and I have never lowered her demeanor. She is still equal to me. thereforeeee I never speak of her inteligence, b/c I am with a smart girl. I never question her apperance b/c she is georgous to me. Good luck with him, but geeze, never let him belittle you, you're worth to much, and it shows... you took time out of your day to write for help. But I'm sorry, to answer your question, no your def not in a healthy relationship.

[keenan]

I agree with target312 (and everyone else) 100%. This is not about you; it's about him. You guys are equals--never forget that. He's not treating you like a partner and a friend, but like a doll that he can dress up and manipulate and then toss aside (or hurt) when he feels like it. He calls you names?? That's NEVER ok, no matter how wonderful he is the rest of the time. I say you take his advice and get a backbone, then use it to find the strength to walk away from this. Good luck, sweetie.

[cansomeonehelp]

i just want to thank everyone for your advice. It is really helping me see aspects that i was blind to. I guess when your in a relationship its easy to think with your heart and not your mind, but everyones advice is really helping me see things more clearly, so i wanted to thank everyone. It really means alot that you took the time to write your thoughts and feelings.

Thanks again.

[RayKay]

Him being sweet 60% of the time does NOT make up for other 40%, ever!

 

Partners will have disagreements, disagreements are healthy if conducted properly. However, your situation goes far beyond disagreements. Your partner is supposed to be your supporter, your safe place to be...he should never belittle you, criticize you, control you, call you names or tell you how to dress. Even when you are having a disagreement there is NEVER a need to call you stupid or an idiot.

 

He has control issues, and I would pretty much say he is emotionally and verbally abusing you.

 

There is something very wrong when he cannot accept you for whom you are, and will only be "content" if he changes you into someone you are not. The man whom loves you will accept you flaws and all for YOU and love you for it.

 

Get away from this guy, things won't change and it won't get better. Leave, even if it means going back home for a couple months to get on your feet again.

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I totally agree with the others. Get out.

 

Here is some exerpts from a wonderful article called, "How to Tell You are Dating a Loser":

 

link removed

 

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

 

10. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

 

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

 

8. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presense - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

 

He is abusing you and controlling you. You are NOT crazy no matter how much you BF makes for feel to be. Please get out of this relationship, you certainly deserve better.

 

(((hugs)))

[Spugly Fuglet]

kellbell O my thats I good one but yep as some one who has done some of the above, (but knows not to ever again) get out he dos not love you in a heathy way if at all. There are much better men out there who will treat you right.

[kellbell]

Good grief lady, if that is a picture of you in your profile...don't take this wrong way but you are a hottie! There are plenty of other men out there whom will love you on the inside as well as the outside. Good luck chica!

[cansomeonehelp]

thank you kellbell...i appreciate all of your advice as well as everyone else's. It means a lot to me that you all would take the time to help a stranger

[Lansing]

Yeah... NO excuse for his actions.. To be calling you stupid/idiot.... yikes....

 

The thing is, if you do break up with him, I am sure he is going to do all the pleating, begging,etc,etc to get you back. You need to make a decision one way or the other and stick to it....