Back with Ex last night - NC is king!

[haley999]

My story is below - But in a nutshell, we split 3 months and I went NC. WSe saw each other 2 weeks ago for the "stuff exchange" and I asked him to dinner. He rain checked the first time and then we went to dinner last night.

 

 

 

So ex and I went to dinner last night and taking the advice from this site (a godsend!) we talked only about light things. Well actually a fill in for the life for the past 3 months and it was good. Very good - felt like the most natural thing in the world. After dinner, I asked him if he wanted to come over for a drink. We sat on the couch and he said, I miss you. I still love you and I missed you every day. I said are you saying you want to try again and he said yes. I said we need to go slow and he agreed, and we are trying again. (Minus the crazy!)

 

My advice- LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE ON THIS SITE. I would not be back with this man that I love without NC. I feel so much stronger and confident now that I took time for myself. I had to stop trying to get him back and get myself back. I also gave him a great gift - missing me and realizing that I am worth it - always was and now I believe it too!

[NubianLove]

I'm thrilled it went well, and that the conversation was light! How long did the encounter last??

[Scout]

I KNEW you two were going to get back together!

 

Now, for a little extra advice...at some point, you two do need to talk about all the issues that were previously problematic in your relationship, and you need to from the very beginning of this conversation set a couple of ground rules: It's ok for both of you to put everything out on the table, without hearing a heated defense from the other party. The goal is to learn more about each other, and learn how to respect each other's emotions and opinions. And ultimately: TO WORK TOGETHER to come up with a solution to fix those issues.

 

Haley, I'm going to send you two wonderful articles that I discovered when I embarked on my current relationship. They both give a terrific roadmap, so to speak, of common pitfalls and stages in relationships. I strongly recommend you pass them both on to your guy, too. They really opened my eyes.

 

I'm so happy for you!

[haley999]

Thank you so much! Seriously the advice from you two and from the site made it all posiible. It made me see that all the drama et. al is best reserved for private rantings during a break-up. We agreed to take it slow and have some fun for a little while and build some trust and confidence back up. Thenwe will have the "talk" . Much more of a I need it to be like this talk and what we though wasn't working before. No recriminations though. I can't wait to read those articles.

 

We were with each other for about 5 hours before he blurted out the I miss you. We were getting along really well before that and I actually felt fine that we could be friends and be okay with it. In the past he would NEVER have done that. he would have waited for me to take the lead. I hope that means we BOTH have done the necessary pre-work....

[Scout]

Yes, some light times beforehand will help set the stage for a "safe" environment to talk with each other about the harder stuff. And that talk doesn't have to be too scary, especially if you both go into knowing that the end goal is to build a stronger, warmer relationship built on honest but kind communication with each other.

 

One tip: if he says something that freaks you out in the talk, before you respond put yourself in his shoes to understand why he might be having that particular perception. It really, really helps!

[NubianLove]

Awesome, I think as women we tend to get overly emotional, and freak out, and that only forces the guy to back away confused. Yeah females are naturally quite emotional and I'm guilty of that, never really realized how much it was a problem till now. In the past, after a breakup or fight, I'd want to discuss everything right there and then, and he never wanted to, and I'd fuss over it all, which was all a big mistake. I agree keep it light hearted and fun for now, kinda like when u meet someone for the first time and everything is new, fun and exciting. Get him to truly trust and warm up to u, then you guys can have the talk!!

[haley999]

Scout so right! I want to put the past behind us and move forward. Although I am nervous about the scary stuff- we should push through and try to get better....Not just say it will be different BE different

[chai714]

Haley, that's a good story. I'm glad to hear about the good news in your life. Thanks for sharing.

[Hope75]

Haley,

 

I am so happy for both you and your boyfriend.

 

I also went through a breakup with my bf last year for a few months as well and we also were able to work it out, and the people on this site were champion with their advice and very supportive on our rocky road back. We are now back together for 15 months and going strong, moved back in together last summer, and we couldn't be happier.

 

My advice to you is to take things slow, enjoy the time you have, and at some point, as Scout said, talk about the mistakes of the past and how to make certain that they are not repeated.

 

Best of luck! I love reading about success stories like this here.

[haley999]

Thanks Hope! I remember you gave me encouragement during my NC time and NC nerves. I feel such potential for him and I. I feel bad about posting this here though because I feel others may not appreciate a "success story," although this is a getting back together forum....

[Hope75]

There are all kinds of stories on this forum. Sometimes it hurts to read this type of story if a poster really wants their ex back but it just doesn't end up working out for them, but we are here to offer support and encouragement no matter what the outcome.

 

Even if things don't work out this way for everyone, that does not mean that they won't find happiness another way in the future.

 

Take care!

[haley999]

Who knows? I may be back in the breaking up forum again. I remember when hearing the back together stories made me more than a little jealous but gave me SO much hope that there are people out there who find their way back. NC let's you gain perspective and become a stronger more confident person in any relationship. A NC cult?

[DN]

Good news haley - well done. And I second what scout said about resolving those issues.

[haley999]

It's strange but I am looking forward to the challenge of getting the issues resolved and moving to a happier healthier relationship without all the yuck.

I felt so relaxed and confidant last night - none of the tension from the end the old relationship. If it works out, this breakup will be the best thing that ever happened to us!

[Scout]

I know, it's like a second chance to do things better and right. We rarely get full blown second chances, so it's really something to be joyful about - and to take very seriously at the same time.

[Hope75]

It's strange but I am looking forward to the challenge of getting the issues resolved and moving to a happier healthier relationship without all the yuck.

I felt so relaxed and confidant last night - none of the tension from the end the old relationship. If it works out, this breakup will be the best thing that ever happened to us!

 

It's funny that you say that, because my bf and I agree that although it was tremendously painful for both of us, our breakup was the best thing that could have happened to us. It made us realize that we can't just sweep things under the rug and pretend they aren't happening, and that we need to also work together instead of against each other, and learn to respect differences and try to see the other's point of view, even if we don't always agree. We needed a major overhaul on our communication, and to remember to always respect each other, even when we disagree!

 

It was a great opportunity for us to start over and get things right, a chance not everyone gets.

[007]

Hey Haley...I'm so damn happy for you!! I was smiling ear to ear when I read your post! It's so great that you get a 2nd chance to love again...I want my ex back, but I am not jealous or bitter about your situation, nor anyone else that gets their ex back.

 

Instead, it shows that there IS a chance! Good for you, and I really hope that all goes well!

[furakura]

Congratz on getting back together Don't feel bad and think that people may not appreciate a success story. Happy endings are good!

[007]

Yup, exactly!

[nicorette]

haley, i read your threads from a while ago and its great to see a success story! remmeber to take it slow and have fun. i appreciate it so much when people come on and share a real success of getting back together it lets us all know it isnt impossible! good luck and good work