How would you read this girl if you were me?

[Andy223]

If this women told you to f**k off, you would probablly take it in the wrong way.

 

You should bee confident enough to know that any womens approval or disapproval will not effect your self-asteam in anyway.

 

Mate you really do give women far too much power over how you feel. Its sickening, i mean if someone doesnt like you or doesnt want to date you, it really isnt the end of the world!

[PocoDiablo]

For reference, here is a near-actual conversation from one of my buddies. It's pretty good, not perfect, but a LOT better than what you did. Notice the playing around, the energy level, the fun!

[Luke Skywalker]

If this women told you to f**k off, you would probablly take it in the wrong way.

 

You should bee confident enough to know that any womens approval or disapproval will not effect your self-asteam in anyway.

 

Mate you really do give women far too much power over how you feel. Its sickening, i mean if someone doesnt like you or doesnt want to date you, it really isnt the end of the world!

 

I would have much preferred it, if the girl was upfront, and simply told me, she simply was not interested in seeing me, rather than stabbing me with a smile. What I cant stand is a sense that someone is patronizing me and then trying to play games.

 

I'm now in the 'FRIENDZONED' website, and am sowing more seeds around, in a few days to a week I should be back to normal, maybe sooner.

[Andy223]

yeh, a lot of people are grown up to respect other people's feelings...It can be very hard for people to sometimes get the message

 

He who does not take the Hint... must face the consequences

[Luke Skywalker]

yeh, a lot of people are grown up to respect other people's feelings...It can be very hard for people to sometimes get the message

 

He who does not take the Hint... must face the consequences

 

She had opportunities to speak in English if she wanted to. I've asked her, after the first date, if she was for real about wanting to go out with me again, and she insisted she was.

 

She will always say I'm reading into things too much by not taking her at face value. Maybe I was, but then so is 99-100% of the people here who saw the quality of the rapport. This was not necessary.

 

Anyway, I dont see what 'advice' you are trying give here that is related to the thread. The majority of people think this girl is not interested, like 100%, and I should move on. A judgement was already made yesterday, and this case is closed.

[quietgrl]

Ross!! I wouldn't say the curb.i was thinking about kicking the woman somewhere else.

 

How would I read it? She's not interested, also the IM chats also show she's not really that enthusiastic with talking to you.

 

Kick her to the kirb dude.I was thinking

[tylercdurden2004]

Ross!! I wouldn't say the curb

 

But in Britain I think its actually Kerb!

[Luke Skywalker]

Going over the lessons on this thread:

 

- Women are trained not to make a guy feel bad, or programmed not to. thereforeeee, instead of getting a blunt rejection, they are going to come up with excuses if they are not interested, and simply send mixed messages.

The guy usually has to read between the lines, as the girl wont even know what message she is saying herself.

 

- When you start showing too much attention, or compliments to a woman, or make a big deal about her appearance, then it is likely going backfire.

* In this case, when she was complimented about her avatar, she ended

up changing it to something else.

* She started really acting up when I followed up with her a bit too much.

 

- It is generally a good thing to show interest to a girl who is into you, but if she is not into you, then it is counter-productive.

 

Here's what went wrong from the first date: What you dont know about.

 

- Near the end of the date - she used a cell phone to contact her guy friend about hanging out the next day. (sign 1 of disinterest). Most people would find it rude if their date used their cell phone to call other guys and set up dates DURING AN ACTIVE DATE and would not tolerate that behaviour. A seduction expert says, if a date acts up like that TERMINATE the date right away, once you let someone walk over you, they will walk all over you and you get nowhere.

 

- She did NOT let me kiss her on her lips at the end of the date - or that part just did not connect, although there was a hug. (sign 2 of disinterest). Or to be honest, I never kissed a girl on the lips before, but her body language, let just say, wasn't inviting in the least.

FRIENZONED - will say, if you dont end a date in a good-night kiss, that could be fatal in terms of any future dates.

 

- When arranging a second date, although on lips, she was cool about having a second date during the first date - the likely explanation, is that she did not want me to feel bad by saying something negative. When it came down to pressing a second date, an excuse was always rendered so that I would not feel bad.

 

So, good lessons, when you go out with someone, keep this in mind.

[tylercdurden2004]

Good job mate. You learned something and thats all you can ask of life.

[Ross_K]

LukeSkywalker, next time don't analyze stuff, just go with your gut feeling, if it seems like she's not interested either call her out on it or tell her to talk to the hand. =;

[Ross_K]

Ross!! I wouldn't say the curb.i was thinking about kicking the woman somewhere else.

 

How's it going 'R'?

[quietgrl]

I'm fine Red(wink)

How's it going 'R'?

[Luke Skywalker]

The girl replied to an email and explained that I read into things too much, and explained she is still interested in going out with me, but I really freaked her out by jumping to conclusions about the picture. She appearently was online with other people at the same time or something, and explained it meant nothing.

 

Whatever has happened this is essentially what she said:

 

- she did not try to get rid of me by sending those pics or by not going on MSN for a week.

 

- she is claiming she is sincere, and would not have gone out with me in the first place if she was not interested.

 

- she thought I would understand since I said I was busy myself.

 

- she is freaking out at how I'm reading into things too much, says she has a life.

 

And seems open to going out with me again in the future.

 

Friendzone, may claim this is how women react to maintaining 'admirers', and that I'm really another 'admirer', and that even if I do go out with her again, she may act up, or it will be some sort of inferior type of relationship.

 

However, lacking much dating experience, what the heck.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice. Unfortunately, it looks like the minority opinion was correct in this particular instance. I'll forward the winning post soon.

[Luke Skywalker]

Maybe the photos weren't being shown for you, I'm often in chat with more than one person and will change my pic to show them things, maybe she was on with the guy that the photos were with, and they were reminiscing.

 

Messenger chat is so ambiguous and you can read a billion things into anything someone says because you don't have the benefit of tone of voice, facial expressions and body language to go with it.

 

She is right you are overanalysing things, she may be using the dating service simply to get to know more people, she obviously enjoyed your company but there may not be anything more to it than that.

 

Take everything at face value and chat to lots of people, keep yourself circulating and you won't take everything so personally =)

 

WINNING POST. This is the correct way this girl should be read. Positive interpretation, reading it at face value, good.

[Dating Coach]

Wait a minute, you actually contacted her about your suspicions? That was about the worst thing to do... If I were her I would be completely put off by that, even if I did like you still.

[Luke Skywalker]

Wait a minute, you actually contacted her about your suspicions? That was about the worst thing to do... If I were her I would be completely put off by that, even if I did like you still.

 

That's the way I do things. Upfront and in or out.

 

I cant leave emotional 'loose-ends'. I'd most definitely pursue other girls, whether I'm moving on with this one or not. That is what I plan to do.

 

Let the chips fall where they may.

[Markers]

well of course you could try to work this out, if you were looking for more chats like what you shared with us. Personally that's the opposite of what I would want but whatever floats your boat. Don't get your hopes up too high, from your description she's a bit freaking out with how you do things, and that's not very good news for you. Also no matter what she says, she was really cold in those IM chats. She claims that she's sincere, but words can lie. I think how she treated you on IM gives a little bit better idea of how much she likes of you.

 

She used "busy" as an excuse, she claimed that's why she couldn't talk to you so much etc. At the same time she was chatting with other people, changing avatars and stuff.. and basically ignored you. She had time to mess with other people, and she decided to ignore you. That's what I would listen if I was you. Good for you if you get a date with her, but make sure she starts treating you a little bit better.

[Luke Skywalker]

I know the score. I was rejected 'romantically' and she says she is still interested in hanging out with me. She has no 'time' for a romantic relationship. She told me this even on the first date. So, it seems like she has some sort of fixed parameters. I dont know what to make of this, other than to just mix with other women and cirulate my profile, and move on but without this ending up in both or one of us dismissing each other, and if I have a date with her, great, if not, whatever. If she's treating other guys at lavalife like this, then I guess I must be the only guy that's putting up with it, as the other guys took busy as a rejection, while I pursued her up to the first date.

 

That's why you can never take busy excuses too seriously, because sometimes they are genuine, or if everyone is after someone, then it could be a natural shifter to those who are a bit more persistent.

 

What floats in my boat? LIke I said, if she wants to be an occasional dating buddy and let's me play with her hair when we are going out or better yet, hug her and play with her hair at the same time, then why not? Dating experience is also what is gained. And, to be sure, relationship skills are being learned here too. All relationships are bound to go to conflict, and here is a conflict without any romantic relationship, so this is good too, if I'm ever in a real relatoinship we learn not to throw the towel in at the first opportunity.

[tylercdurden2004]

She has no 'time' for a romantic relationship. She told me this even on the first date. So, it seems like she has some sort of fixed parameters.

 

Ha this is a great excuse. Let me translate: "You are not the one". I knwo people say this all the time, h*** I have even said this too myself. But who is she kidding. Trust me if Mister Right came into the picture she would be extremely stupid to pass him up for not wanting to be in a relationship. Notice I said Mister Right. I dont know how much you really have to gain by playing with her hair. Couldnt you use this time for better things: other women, going to the gym, reading a book. I mean really you want relationship experience, well an important part of a relationship is attraction so anything you learn here will not be translatable.

[Luke Skywalker]

Ha this is a great excuse. Let me translate: "You are not the one". I knwo people say this all the time, h*** I have even said this too myself. But who is she kidding. Trust me if Mister Right came into the picture she would be extremely stupid to pass him up for not wanting to be in a relationship. Notice I said Mister Right. I dont know how much you really have to gain by playing with her hair. Couldnt you use this time for better things: other women, going to the gym, reading a book. I mean really you want relationship experience, well an important part of a relationship is attraction so anything you learn here will not be translatable.

 

I know that. On one hand, I hear what you are saying, you dont want to just be another tolerated 'admirer'. The funny thing is, she even cautioned me not to waste time on her at the end of her message, if I cant 'handle it'. Here it's looking like some vice trap where I'm looking for romantic validation, while, she's stringing another admirer sucker along thinking that he will somehow get her to fall in love with him at the end of the day. This time, everything is at least in writing, and there are no games. Can I REALLY handle this?

 

However on the other hand, she has fine tastes (but so does lots of other women). I want to take her to Roy Thompson Hall, or an ARt Gallery, since she has a taste in music and art, and I personally want exposure to venues like that, since it is out of the ordinary of my life anyway. What's wrong with some good cultural exposure where I may cop a feel with someone I like here or there (although, without romantic reciprocity, it seems pointless).

 

In terms of time, I dont think I'll be spending much time with her anyway, assuming we do go out, it seems too sporadic or haphazard that it would be like I"d be seeing her once in a blue moon anyway.

 

It seems rather weird to be dating someone simply because you like their hair, but even that in itself seems 'romantically misleading' because if I start getting fetishes for parts of her body like her hair, then a crush is going to get worst, not get better. Who knows?

 

I know about the 'weepers' and 'seeker's oyster lot at Friendzoned. It talks about someone opening an oyster, and sees there is no pearl, and starts putting the dead oyster on a pedistle, and keeping it there, while a 'seeker' will go through all the different oysters to see if there is a pearl. In that sense, by hanging on to this girl, I'm sort of acting like a 'weeper' or something, rather than really trying to get other women into my life.

 

However, we will see where this all goes. The good thing about this is, technically, you cant lose something that you do not have, so if things really go bad with this, then there is no real loss, only in the mind.

[tylercdurden2004]

Well you do have something to lose and that is the great equalizer called, TIME. Sure if you feel investing your TIME will be worth the possible returns you will get then by all means go to it. But it seems like she has given one of the best things you can get out of dating and that is REJECTION. The more you get rejected hoepfully the more you get used to it and less bothered by it but everyone is different. At least have an answer.

[SouthernSon]

I don't post here very often, but I can't believe this went on for 8 pages!

 

I'll agree and echo what others have said...

-Overanalyzed the situation

-Almost "smothered" her by contacting her too much

-Need to go with your gut instinct

 

I'm not trying to be mean or anything it's that you simply tried to see something that wasn't there. I've been there before myself, heck probably a lot of people have. The important thing I think is that you learn to move on and not waste your time.

 

Probably one of the best ways of accomplishing that is having too many women on your dating list to juggle around. Get out and have some fun and meet NEW people.

[Luke Skywalker]

Thanks everyone for your recent feed-back.

 

I'm trying to improve my profile at lavalife, and hopefully I'll get new blood.

 

If I have any further issues with this girl, I'll be posting a new thread, but placed on the FRIEND category. Thanks.

 

The advice on this thread has resulted in a double result. On one hand - it has sort of 'cleared the air' and removed any 'mystery or fog' out of my relationship, if any, with this girl. It appears she wants some sort of 'friends only' relationship. On the other hand, I have reacted too negatively at the prospect that she may have been 'getting rid of me with subtle messages', that I may have sent some nasty messages which could have either put her off, or turned her completely off - however, it does not seem that this is the case. However, her opinion of me as being a normal cool guy is probably going to be altered as a guy with emotional baggage that has serious rejection issues.

 

What does this mean in the big picture - probably ABSOLUTELY nothing - because if she has rejected me in a romantic sense, then EVERYTHING ELSE IS PURELY ACADEMICAL. That means, based on 'friendzone' theory - there is no worst rejection than a romantic rejection. It's an incorporeal type of relationship right now with that rejection, there is no body in it. If she rejects me socially, that simply means, I can no longer waste my time on her judgement. If I continue hanging out with her, then I am wasting my time, unless I just want a random fun time with someone I sort of know, and she wants to hook up too. So far, there is no indication of an absolute rejection.

 

Either way, I've been here before, and a waste of time is a waste of time. It's nice if she remains a friend where we occasionally hang out with, but it's better if I have a real romantic relationship with someone.

 

Now, on the other hand, I've read a book that says, if you are persistent with someone like this girl, then it's possible something could spark romantically as she gains more trust with me. However, I guess we'll just have to see where this goes. Whatever happens, it's not too important, it's hanging by a thread, let's see what goes down the road.

 

I have put myself on a two week minimum suspension from contacting her, allowing me to 'cool' off with her, since I seem to have got on the negative with her for now, and not more than a month, and then see where it will go from there. Either way, the way I reacted to the advice on this thread, certainly caused me to lose my cool, write crazy messages, cause her to freak out, and potentially put anything I may have had with this girl right on the edge, the razor's edge.

 

In about two weeks or a month from now, a moment of truth will occur to see if I have a second date with her somewhere in the future. If I have one, great. If not, well, whatever, making my next Real-Estate deal or finding a real job is something to really worry about, not her.

[Luke Skywalker]

Post withdrawn.

[Luke Skywalker]

Well, it seems like this two week break concept is paying off. I've just meet someone who seems to be very interested in me (who is also Indian-looking), and went out with someone else on Tuesday. Now, I understand what is meant when someone is not totally into you to move on when contrasted with other interested people.

 

In order to counter my own obsession with the subject girl of this thread, I decided to not to talk to her, or do anything with her for a minimum two week period, and just hope I find other people in my life, or just lose the obsession thing. So, I sort of SJed myself away from her. Right now a week has passed, and I think my infatuation/obsession with this girl is now starting to fade.