Confused

[AprilS0769]

I posted a thread in the breaking up category.. anyone who responded gave good advise (thank you for that!) and gave pretty much the same advise as most people I have talked to. I have been with someone for almost 20 years. We are not married but common law, and have 2 young children together. I have not had the same feelings for him for at least 6 years and have cheated 2 times in that time. He is aware of this and it makes things hard. I do not think that I will get my feelings back for him. Most things he does drive me crazy. When it is close to the time that he will be home I find myself wishing that he would not come home. I do not want him touching me and hate any intimate contact with him. He is an alcoholic which I am used to and I guess prefer now because at least he leaves me alone, then when he comes into the house he usually passes out soon after. We have talked about splitting, but that is as far as it has gotten. I have seen a lawyer etc. just to get advise as he was trying to scare me into thinking that I would lose my kids. I do not make alot of money at my job, so I feel extremely trapped. I want to be on my own. Well I assume that this is what I want. I am just scared and have no idea what to do. We own a house together and I hate to say to him you move out (which would be ok as the kids and I live here more than he does..) But I cannot buy him out and he cannot buy me out as we have alot of debt. Selling and splitting is the best option I guess, but it is so hard to say what I want to do. He works hard to pay for the house and I feel bad. I go through this every day several times a day. I don't know what is wrong with me? Why can't I just say what I want? I do not like to hurt people. I already have hurt him but this is a much bigger thing. Here I have someone who says he loves me and does what he can for me. But I do not want him or love him that way. I don't know much else as I was 17 when I moved out with him. I feel trapped and am torturing myself with all of this daily. I have no idea why I am writing this here again... Maybe something someone says will make me see what or how to do what I need to do...

Thanks

[AprilS0769]

ok...now I really feel like a nut. Absolutely no one has responded to my post!

[avman]

Hello April,

 

I'm not sure what I can say to you that I have not said already. We cannot tell you if you should divorce him. You have to find that answer within yourself. I know it is a difficult decision but it is one you will have to come to.

 

You might consider some counseling for yourself. I know you mentioned you don't have much money, but many counseling agencies and most houses of worship offer counseling on a sliding scale based on ability to pay. This may give you some support structure to face your fears of the divorce process and being alone so that you can make the decision that's best for you and your children.

 

You also might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings which provide support for families of alcoholics. I'm sure meeting some of those people will help because most are in a similar circumstance to yourself.

[mmmending]

so much of experience is viewed through conditioned categories of good and bad, positive and negative, fair and unfair.. we build cases against others, and often, most often, judge ourselves so harshly with little compassion, understanding and love.. it's amazing how we manage to thrive at all.. i have a shareholders' meeting of judges and critics who remind me constantly how i messed up, make comparisons and so forth..

 

all this serves to do is make me feel sad, lonely and fuel doubt.. this only adds to suffering.. there is also that conditional thing happening; 'if i have this new , then my life will be better'.. and then we blame ourselves for being deficient, that in not having that is somehow proof of our unworthiness.. it's weird

 

but again, the amazing thing in life, that although there is no lack of suffering and judgement, there is also some great consolation that nothing ever really stays the same.. things change, sometimes feeling worse, but often for the better.. more specifically, things change, not really for any moral or deterministic reason (although there are those who would have us think so), rather, things change because they do.. full stop.. i am constantly in awe of this realization..

 

take thoughts for instance, asking our mind to stop thinking is like asking our body to stop producing enzymes.. it's not possible.. think of those 'aha!" moments where you out of the blue recall feeling a certain way about something or somebody, but in that moment realize now you feel completely differently about things, and say to yourself 'why was i so upset about this?!' ..or any manner of shifted awareness, whatever it may have been

 

i didn't read your post in the 'breaking up' category, tho' what i so clearly hear in this one is your suffering.. you have spoken very frankly about your situation; your vulnerability has expressed itself in such statements as you ' "cheated" 2 times'.. how odd that we only have a very deprecating language around such actions.. nobody has any right to judge you for this.. your involvement with someone else may well have and likely did include(d) sweet tender love.. and no one has the right to scrutinize or valorize those conditions which led you there.. how easily forgotten that so-called infidelity can and does take on forms not merely limited to friction sex

 

what i hear most pressingly is that you need to treat yourself with kindness before anything else.. consider seeing a therapist, get close to those with whom you have connection and trust and be open to the extent you can be with them so that you don't feel lonely and isolated

 

remind yourself, as difficult as it may seem right now, that you are not the only one who has felt this way.. you are not alone

 

in the meantime, have a listen to this, i heard this on the radio in the fall of 2004, and i found some comfort in it.. grain of salt..

 

link removed

 

take good care, be kind to yourself

[AprilS0769]

Thank you mmmending, you actually brought tears to my eyes when I read this. There was and still is love and understanding from my affairs. There definitely was more emotion involved than anything else. I think I may contact my doctor tomorrow and go from there. Just to get my head straight. But what you wrote really made sense and made me feel a little better.

Thanks