um...help?

[geek_grl]

Hi,

 

I've been a lurker for a while now and have never really had the urge to register because I've never wanted to post or reply to anything before...however, I now find I'm in a situation that I would like a little advice on.

 

Ok, this may be a bit long so I apologise in advance but I need to sorta give the background info before I can ask the question.

 

I realised I was gay when I was in my teens but didn't really acknowledge or admit it to myself until I was in my early to mid twenties. So in that respect I've never been intimate with another woman let alone even had my first lesbian kiss! I'm now in my early 30's and still to yet have my first relationship with a woman. However, I was married to a guy before and have only ever had boyfriends.

 

Anyway...I've recently started a new job and I am finding myself to be really attracted and interested in a colleague at work. I think on my part it was an instant attraction for me because when I was first introduced to her all I could think at the time was "wow...she's hot and I so love her accent". At first I didn't really think much of it because she hadn't started to affect me yet as we didn't really have much interaction with each other...but then 2 weeks down the line, she starts up a conversation with me and from that moment on, something clicked inside me and I have been totally crushing on her.

 

I think about her 24/7, she's the first thought in my mind when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep. I have daydreams about her and when I'm at work, all I want to do is figure out how to spend more time with her etc.

 

Basically, she's driving me nuts and I'm really quite confused over this whole thing.

 

We're not at the stage of our friendship yet that I can feel comfortable asking her what her sexuality is, so at the moment it's kinda a guessing game for me.

 

So my questions would have to be:

 

1) How do I tell if she's into me?

2) How do I find out if she's straight/bi/lesbian without actually asking her outright?

3) How do I let her know that I'm crushing on her without being obvious?

 

Also, maybe to give a clearer picture. We have communicated via email now and again and sometimes it's not always me who emails first. The emails however aren't really that informative or deep though, just idle chit chat etc as it's during our working day so it's via our company email addresses. Sometimes, (we don't work in the same team or area) when she comes over to my department to chat with whoever she needs to, I get the feeling that she makes an extra effort to always come over and say hello to me and to start up a coversation with me etc...but that doesn't necessarily mean she's into me right? I have noticed she's friendly with everyone. Maybe I'm just projecting my feelings onto her and reading into things that aren't really there?

 

Maybe someone who's been through this could give me some sort of perspective into my situation? Feel free to ask any questions...I have more to say but really don't want to make this into a novel if no one is going to reply.

 

Any thoughts on this matter would be a great help.

[hosswhispra]

I am straight, but for some reason, I have had a lot of women hit on me. What they usually do is flirt. It's exactly like any type of flirting interaction. Just pay attention to her responses and her body language. If she's interested in you she'll respond. If she is not she wont look at you, or she'll walk away.

 

Just be careful though because you are both in a work situation and you don't want to be accused of sexual harassment....It would be better to find out, outside of work (i.e., happy hour).

[novaseeker]

You may also want to look at some of the tips in the post by Jinx in this thread.

[Cadence308]

Be her friend, get to know her, maybe go out to coffee, etc. Flirting is a great idea. Most really straight women I know don't really react to a lesbian flirting with them even if they are flattered by the attention. Someone who is interested will flirt back.

 

GL!

[Tigris]

I agree with Ballys ask her out as a friend and start flirting with her.

 

Good luck

[Daddy Bear]

welcome to ENA, former lurker. i knew i saw something moving around in the shadows! lol

 

in answer to question #2, i think one good avenue of opportunity open to you at this point is just being creative in your emails. just as an example: "do you think there are any hot guys working here?" might return some telling information, especially if she wants you to know that she's lesbian or bi. just slowly feel your way around the edges. ask her if she has a boyfriend or husband, drop a few hints about yourself along those same lines, maybe find a way to talk to her away from work (lunch, drinks, etc.) where the conversation can be a little more open. hope things work out for you!

[geek_grl]

Thanks for the helpful advice guys...and yes novaseeker, I've already read the flirt article thanks! It was quite helpful actually. And btw slightlybent, I already know she's single and hasn't been married...I also know she has a young nephew she totally adores and wants kids of her own some day...but still doesn't mean anything right?

 

Fact of the matter is...I actually become quite retarded when I'm around her. When I'm crushing on someone I am the complete opposite of who I usually am. Usually I'm quite out-going and can basically chat or strike up a conversation with anyone, joke around, flirt etc...but as soon as I develop a crush on someone I become a total mute, sometimes to the point of ignoring them altogether!

 

I am actually waiting for a moment that I can ask her out to coffee or do lunch together or something but I either never get the opportunity or am not brave enough to ask. Like hosswhispra said, I don't really want to go too far in case she thinks I'm sexually harassing her...so in this instance, hosswhispra, you being straight and all, if someone at work that you just started to get to know asked you out to lunch or coffee, would you take that as them being romantically into you or just being friendly?

 

Also, I think I'm also to hesitant to do anything because what if she is straight and then find out that I'm crushing on her? That would just be way too embarrassing...especially since we sorta work together.

 

Besides, I think I already know that she's not interested cos in one of our email chats I had the opportunity to give her my home email address which was about 2 weeks ago and she's yet to send anything there. If someone was interested in you they would definitely email a personal address right, to find out more about you?

 

I know I would.

[Daddy Bear]

I also know she has a young nephew she totally adores and wants kids of her own some day...but still doesn't mean anything right?

it doesn't prove beyond doubt that she's straight, no. i actually had a lesbian say that to me once, in fact. at least your friend didn't say she wanted to be married some day!

 

Besides, I think I already know that she's not interested cos in one of our email chats I had the opportunity to give her my home email address which was about 2 weeks ago and she's yet to send anything there. If someone was interested in you they would definitely email a personal address right, to find out more about you?

i don't want to lead you to false hope because we don't know where this girl is at, but again... from personal experience, i know that's not always true. i have a cute girl's email address right now but haven't decided what i want to say to her at this point. one time a female co-worker even gave me her phone number on a slip of paper that said "for a good time call..." and i dismissed it as a joke, not finding out until much later that she wasn't kidding at all.

[Jinx]

You may also want to look at some of the tips in the post by Jinx in this thread

 

Thank you, Novaseeker. Appreciate that. I kind of missed this post somewhere in the mix and just seen it today in order to reply. I'm really on the ball this week, yes indeed.

 

Fact of the matter is...I actually become quite retarded when I'm around her.

I've been there, done that. It isn't the most helpful response the body can give.

 

For myself in such cases when I know I'm going to become mentally paralyzed by a woman which I am attracted to I try to keep it simple as possible. My schedule will be first things first in greeting her happily upon notice. Even though I sometimes would like to avoid just out of embarrassment that there may be a tongue tying incident. Keeping it simple and following up with a "How are you?" and a series of open ended questions will keep conversation rolling but let you off because hopefully she'll start talking about herself. Its a good two part thing too, you learn more about a person when asking open ended questions and it gives you the one whom has the crush, a break without appearing in a negative light.

 

I myself am usually a chatter bug social butterfly whom can tackle just about any conversation or comment but give me the woman who I have a major crush on and I could just stand there looking blankly at her for five minutes with a lop sided grin, looking stupid essentially then becoming embarrassed to the point of avoidance because I know she is going to catch on to the crush one of these days if she has half a care in the world.

 

If someone was interested in you they would definitely email a personal address right, to find out more about you?

No. It depends on the person, some will just not take the first step. Also they may feel awkward just what to write and why they are writing. Often you need to assure a person that its not bothering them. A lot of people have a complex over, "If I write I'll bother. If I write they won't talk to me. If I write they'll avoid me thinking I'm weird." there are a thousand things which can be going through a person's head. Even in attraction it may actually backfire and with us being human we may tend to have a crush on someone like they're the last human being on earth but don't email because it might be obvious. Little human logic there that I'm still trying to figure out. Thus, no response may even be a hint to mutual feelings but then again there is always the chance that since you're acquaintances or new friends that she isn't ready to take the email leap.

 

Far as coffee goes, it depends on her. I'm a semi-regular at two cafes. One is predominately straight, One is * * * * * deluxe. Anyhow, it isn't beyond me to say to a person who I enjoy their company friend or crush that I'm going down for a drink or snack and if they'd like to accompany me. Yet if it isn't the straight cafe I make sure to tell them its primarily gay and lesbian but nice anyways just to give a flag. This also really, really helps get some body language in there too I see. For me one way to see one's attitude is ask them to the gay cafe for a platonic drink and snack. You can see a lot when they accept or reject the offer. Eyes, speech, and movements are essential when they answer. Especially if a person usually keeps wonderful eye contact but upon asking out they avoid it. Usually they've been caught red handed...for something, then.

 

On the topic of eyes, does she keep eye contact? If she is outgoing, most outgoing people will keep it. I've read if you have two usually connected people (eye wise) and then when both are standing there and they flutter, as in looking around for a moment then locking on and the other mimics this action and so forth it is like a silent flirting going on and in otherwords, "I like you, you like me." is the message. Like any eye reading it isn't bomb proof but surely is worth trying out on her on day.

 

With the crush idea it may be who of you to keep conversation kind of basic for a few days. Extremely platonic, then giving a break to the crush kind of mentality, you can make plans for a local cafe or place you've pre-inspected and even better been too before, and casually ask (if you know she has a break then even better) if she'd like to go along and it is a nice place if she'd like to and it wouldn't be at all a bother you're not burdened.

 

If there is one typical conversation that drives me batty with women is.

 

Hey would you like to go down to the cafe on [street]? I was going to pick up coffee and a snack. Its pretty good stuff.

No. I don't want to be a bother.

You won't be a bother, its just my daily trip and since you've got a few moments I thought maybe you'd be interested.

Are you sure? Really I don't want to intrude on your lunch break.

No, its nothing at all. I'm always open to company.

Well, if you're sure about that. Okay let me get my stuff.

 

Yet most conversations are not that simplified. Other women and their "I don't want to..." this and that. You also need to read a woman, for some this is a rejection for others it is the way they were brought up. Its kind of a fine line deal you'll have to watch for if you try it.

 

I already know she's single and hasn't been married...I also know she has a young nephew she totally adores and wants kids of her own some day...but still doesn't mean anything right?

Nope I don't think it does. I fit this description. I have younger siblings, cousins, etc... good sized family when everyone's counted and I love the children especially. I tell people I want children some day, a decent sized family of my own, so I don't see it as a sign. While it may give a better sign if you somehow ask how she wants to have children. For me, I live under the idea of possibly adopting Internationally someday in order to have children, or if in the future I have a girlfriend whom will go through a pregnancy herself. My family has a horrible track record with medical issues and pregnancies so I am wary to the point of someone, anyone else having the child. If you want children yourself someday you can always bring up the topic where appropriate and make a statement, it works especially well if the Single mother by choice, adoption or surrogacy ideas can be incorporated. Being open to her about children allows her to be more open to you.

[hosswhispra]

hosswhispra, you being straight and all, if someone at work that you just started to get to know asked you out to lunch or coffee, would you take that as them being romantically into you or just being friendly?

 

This is the way I think (now, I am not saying this is the way everyone thinks):

 

If a female asks me out to lunch or coffee, then I'll assume (until proven otherwise) she's just interested in being friends. I have many women co-workers that ask me if I want to go to lunch or get coffee with them. Some of them are single and some of them are not.

 

If a guy asks me out to lunch or coffee, then I'll assume (until proven otherwise) he's interested in me romantically.

 

Again, that's just the way *my mind* works.

 

When the ladies hit on me it was really, really, really obvious: for example, I was a dance club when I was 20 and this woman in her mid-twenties came up behind me and was literally grinding me. At first, I thought I was in her dancing space, so I moved...but she followed me and kept on wanting to dance with me---until I got off the dance floor.

[geek_grl]

Thanks for all your comments...they're definitely very insightful and has given me a lot to think about and has made me see my situation with new eyes. I'm not saying that I think she's into me or anything but all the replies have made me realise that it could go either way. I think I'm at the stage of my crush now where I'm reading negatively into her interactions with me so when/if I know for sure she really isn't interested in me in return, it won't hurt so much. Self-preservation tactic I guess.

 

If a female asks me out to lunch or coffee, then I'll assume (until proven otherwise) she's just interested in being friends. I have many women co-workers that ask me if I want to go to lunch or get coffee with them. Some of them are single and some of them are not.

 

I actually pretty much think like this as well in regards to invites, lunch or otherwise although for both genders however. Until proven otherwise I always view invites as gestures of friendship...but in saying that, what annoys me about me is that I completely turn that thought inside out when it comes to me doing the inviting because I don't want my feelings to be obvious to my crush. Any invites that I extend to her I get paranoid because she might view it as something more...which it is on my part but I don't want her to know that until I'm sure of her feelings. Again this comes down to the being embarrassed factor or worse case scenario getting rejected factor.

 

A lot of people have a complex over, "If I write I'll bother. If I write they won't talk to me. If I write they'll avoid me thinking I'm weird."

 

i know that's not always true. i have a cute girl's email address right now but haven't decided what i want to say to her at this point.

 

Hmmm....I never thought of it that way. I guess when putting it in those contexts I can sorta get why she might not have emailed yet but still. I'm a pretty straight up kind of person, so to me, if someone had given me their personal email address (and it doesn't have to be someone I like), I'd be like "they obviously want me to write to them their, so I will".

 

Which leads me to another question. A lot of questions on her part would be construed as interest and no questions would be construed as no interest when emailing right? Or again am I reading into things too much? How she responds, how she doesn't respond etc.

 

On the topic of eyes, does she keep eye contact?

 

Yes, she does. In some cases I think too much and it kinda makes me even more nervous so I then have to break that eye contact with her, because I start to lose focus of the conversation when I stare into her eyes for too long.

 

The thing is, I would actually just like to be her friend and let her get to know who/what I'm like etc, but as I said before I really am quite retarded when it comes to someone I crush on and also to top it off I'm really quite hopeless at reading people. Sometimes I get so nervous when she's around me that I get internal panic attacks and have to leave the room or in some cases I just avoid her altogether. Like last week, she came over to my department again to speak to my boss but instead of saying hi or something or even smiling at her as she walks past, I totally ignore her...I don't even acknowledge her presense! And an even weirder thing though...for the casual observer it may look like I don't see her but if they were to ask, I can tell them exactly where she is at any given time without even having to look in her direction.

 

Btw I really do appreciate all the people out there who have taken time out to reply to my posts...it's so much easier to try and understand things when there are other viewpoints to consider. You guys must all think I'm so inept though when I'm not even able to tell if someone likes me or not.