What are these feelings?

[handsdown]

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. I was the one that broke it off, it was a 7 year relationship, I had met someone else. It was not a nasty breakup, just more of a parting of ways and we still talk regularly and I was under the impression that we were ok. (well, as ok as one can be at this point)

 

Anyways I went out with a mutual friend of ours last night and my friend told me that he's met someone else and is thinking of moving in with her. The problem is, he has told me nothing about this. When I ask him about dating etc. he tells me he still is single and looking and isn't wanting a relationship. Why is he lieing to me? He was never the type to lie in our relationship, so why is he lieing now?

 

I feel terrible, and yet, I don't really know WHY I feel terrible. I don't even know what these feelings are. It's sort've a strange quasi jealousy. I am in a new relationship now and happy, I left him, so what is going on in my head? I am genuinely hurt that he didn't tell me and I feel jealous at the same time and generally I just feel down and sad about the whole thing and I want to cry. Why!?

 

I keep thinking weird thoughts, like, does he like her more than me and is she prettier than me? Of course I am keeping these feelings to myself and playing coy about knowing about this girl, and he still pretends like nothing is happening, it's so strange! Can someone help me out? I don't want to bother him with questions, he needs to have his own life, I just can't understand why he would keep this a secret! and also what are these strange feelings of jealousy I'm experiencing? Please help! (ps we do not have contact in person just over the phone and MSN, we haven't seen each other for months)

[malcontent]

He's probably keeping it from you because it's none of your business. Even though you "talk all the time", he's probably got you partitioned into the acquaintance portion of his life and is not comfortable sharing private details with you.

 

That, or he doesn't want to have to deal with the probing questions you'll end up asking him: "Is she prettier than me?" "Do you like her more than me?"

 

Personally, I can't believe how selfish you are. Get over yourself and let him get on with his life.

[kellbell]

Hi Hands,

 

Well, I am not sure why you are in contact with your ex at all but I guess to each his/her own. For starters, you broke up with him. He is not obligated to make you privy over his private life nor should you do the same.

 

I recommend you not talk to your ex for awhile. You being in contact with him is hindering your recovery and healing process. Block him on your MSN and get your life back on track. You are never going to get over him and feel impartial over him moving on with his life until you do so. Take care and good luck.

 

P.S. I seemed to have overlooked you have a new boyfriend. This post is incredibly selfish. He does not need to let you know about his private life. He is NOT lying...he is moving on.

[amtjrtcet]

Well put kellbell

[Dako]

I'd think discussing his dating would be awkward with you. He may wonder if it would hurt your feelings or he may be wary of advice from you being less than objective.

 

I suspect you aren't over the breakup, and looking for connections that aren't there.

[Scout]

Whether it's selfish or not, come on, we're all human and think about our exes. This poster is naturally curious about what's going on with her ex, too, whether it's "her business" or not.

[Scout]

Now, to add to my post above a bit...I would actually say your ex is behaving pretty well, considering you met someone else as your relationship ended. Many people would be tempted to rub in your face that they're seeing someone else, too, but it appears your ex is showing some mature restraint here. I gotta commend him for that.

[handsdown]

Thanks for the advice, a little harsh but what I deserved . I do have a little bit of defense!!

 

I obviously would not be confronting him OR talking to him about these feelings because it would be UNFAIR. I also would not even think of mentioning that I know about it, if he wants to tell me he can. I think I mentioned that in my post, it is his life and it is up to him. If I was going to talk to him about it why would I have posted for advice? Now that being said, I understand it is selfish to be feeling the way I do but that doesn't change how I feel about it, which is why I was looking for help. If by helping, you intend to give me a slap on the wrist, well then that's what I deserve. OUCH! and it worked, I can now see it more from his point of view, and how silly I am behaving!!

 

I also don't think the reson he hasn't told me is because I would ask him those questions I was feeling inside, malcontent, I am not that childish so please don't brand me as that way. As far as letting him get on with his life, I have never held him back, and like I said we only talk on msn/phone.

 

There are a lot of things that complicate the NC thing. We also have two cats that we co-owned for years and I took one and he took the other and they are like children to the both of us so we have "visitation rights", my cell phone is still under his name so I have to pay him monthly for it, more than half the furniture in his house is mine because he couldn't afford to buy new things when I moved out...ITS COMPLICATED. This was not just a messy breakup of lieing and deceit, this was a mutual, "we aren't really the same people anymore" breakup, and we agreed that not ebing in each others lives was something we didn't want. Thus, why I am soo confused about why he is uncomfrotable sharing his new life with me as I am willing to share with him. I suppose that made me feel insecure and thats what started the weird selfish thoughts.

 

Anyways, thanks for the advice, I feel a lot better just knowing that he probably just wants to keep his life secret for the time being and that its a normal behavior, and, yes, Scout, he is admirable for not just rubbing it in my face!

[kellbell]

Sorry if I came off as a little harsh. I mean feeling are feelings. You cannot control how you feel, I just had a hard time with him being accused of lying when in fact he is not. That's all. I am glad that you are feeling better.

[kadvati79]

Anyways, thanks for the advice, I feel a lot better just knowing that he probably just wants to keep his life secret for the time being and that its a normal behavior, and, yes, Scout, he is admirable for not just rubbing it in my face!

 

Its normal behaviour not to tell an ex about these things. My ex (who dumped me) quizzed me constantly asking would I tell him when i started dating someone new, i asked him why, he said "I just want to hear from you first rather than someone else". I told him that its no-one elses business, and any good friend shouldnt be passing information onto him about me anyway. I have told all my friends my ex's business is his business, and I don't want to know.

 

He's not keeping it secret, you dumped him, for someone else! I am surprised he isn't rubbing your nose in it. You're not friends, don't delude yourself. You talk occasionaly on phone or MSN. He isn't yours any more and you lost all "right" to know whats going on in his life when you dumped him.

 

I think you are caught up with emotions you obviously didn't deal with during the breakup. This is common for dumpers, because they get a honeymoon period esp if you go straight into a relationship with someone new. You say it was an amicable breakup, well, i highly doubt it. I suspect he was just being mature, and it sounds like you tried to be as well. I would say he got really, really hurt especially if you went off with someone new. He had to deal with all these feelings LONG before you did. You feel this bad now, IMAGINE how terrible it must of been for him when HE found out about YOU?

 

You feel terrible and jealous because you didn't expect this, this wasn't part of the plan! You had met someone new! He wasn't supposed to get over this and move on cause he loved ME! I've been through this before myself. I realised that I was quite a controlling person, and that it was actually a very selfish side of me and something I had pulled all the way through the relationship.

 

I think this is beyond curiosity, I think you genuinely felt like you had a right to know and that he was "lying" by not telling you. In which, case, I really think malcontent is right and "Get over yourself and let him get on with his life" applies quite well. A friend said that to me many years ago after I had dumped my ex... and it made me angry at the time but he was right.

 

And just for the record, he isn't "keep[ing] his life secret" from you. You aren't part of his life anymore. He may chat to you occasionally but thats all it is, occasional chat. Whatever he chooses to tell you is all you will get and can expect.

[handsdown]

Thanks, Icemotoboy, your advice makes a lot of sense, and it's pretty much how I've been feeling about it now. It just came as a surprise as you said. As the shock wears off I am feeling happier about the whole thing, and now feel that I hope he is happy with his new found love, I really do.

 

The break up was tough on me, and although I'm not entirely sure that this wasn't actually mutual, I'm sure it was just as if not more tough on him. I think the hardest part for me was being the bad guy and him being secretive just made me feel more so.

 

Well, hopefully, he has moved on is happy and not feeling hurt anymore, now it's my turn to go through the greiving process.

[kadvati79]

The break up was tough on me

 

I think its a common misconception that dumpers get it easy. They don't. I actually think in the long term, they get it the hardest when they leave a good relationship. This is because the dumper has to deal with regret. Now, pain and suffering and abandonment, yeah those are painful. But you are forced to accept this and you can blame pretty much anything for it, the other person, the stars in the sky, the universe, etc...

 

But the dumper really only has themselves. They have to deal with the fact that they ended it, and years later (or when their ex starts dating), they have to deal with the "what if" scenarios. Or when life isn't going so well, they have to accept that they turned this person who used to love them, against them, and they don't even want to talk to you any more!

 

I remember I used to call one of my ex's I dumped when something bad had happened with work on a callout and I was upset, because when we went out he would always be there for me. It could be months between calls. I remember one time he just ripped into me, and basically told me I was a selfish person for not respecting his feelings and just calling him when I needed something. Then he told me he had met someone new who wasn't selfish, and that me calling could jepardise it, so could I please **** off!

 

That really hurt me. I hadn't expected that this would happen because he had always loved me. I realised it was me who had destroyed that love by my actions. But I needed to stop thinking about *me* so much and start thinking about *others* too. It was a big shock!

[handsdown]

so in this situation would it be better to have as little contact as poissble

[butter]

I think its a common misconception that dumpers get it easy. They don't. I actually think in the long term, they get it the hardest when they leave a good relationship. This is because the dumper has to deal with regret. Now, pain and suffering and abandonment, yeah those are painful. But you are forced to accept this and you can blame pretty much anything for it, the other person, the stars in the sky, the universe, etc...

 

But the dumper really only has themselves. They have to deal with the fact that they ended it, and years later (or when their ex starts dating), they have to deal with the "what if" scenarios. Or when life isn't going so well, they have to accept that they turned this person who used to love them, against them, and they don't even want to talk to you any more!

 

I wanted to say that what icemotoboy wrote is one of the biggest truths I have read. That's exactly how it is for dumpers and that's exactly how I have felt after I broke up with my ex.

 

 

To the OP, you can contact your ex if you want but if you don't feel okay with it then you don't have to, even if you don't hate each other being in touch is not always the best idea.

It's not complex, just remember ex's don't owe us information or favors (and we don't to them either) so you have to expect nothing.

[malcontent]

Sorry for coming off harsh, too. I have a sore spot for SO's meeting other people while still in relationships. I know it happens, I know it will continue to happen, but having had it happen to me it feels like a betrayal of trust (probably because it is, in a manner of speaking).

 

That's all. I'm not trying to brand you childish, but I feel like when you end a relationship because you've met someone else, even if it's done under the auspices of having "grown apart", that creates a special kind of pain that would most likely not have been present if the two of you had separated, healed, and then moved on with your lives.

 

That you chose to immediately start seeing someone else, and from the sounds of it had already started seeing them prior to ending the relationship, probably hurt him more than if you'd just spent some time on your own first.

 

My two cents.