Why won't the ex stop calling me?

[malcontent]

My ex and I have been broken up for about two months. She started seeing someone new a week after we split and has been going full bore with him ever since. My initial inclination was to remove myself completely from her life. I moved most of my things out of her apartment and told her that I thought it would be best if we didn't speak anymore. I also gave her a car of mine that she had been driving since hers got repossessed and lent (see: bad loan) her the money to register it. I wanted her off my insurance, but since she has a young son who I really liked, I couldn't in good conscience take the car (although the little devil on my shoulder was really pushing for that). My father had given it to me and it was probably worth less than $3k.

 

She called me repeatedly that weekend and I ignored all the calls, until I was awoken from a Xanax induced slumber at 1am Sunday. She then proceeded to sob and cry into the phone for three hours telling me that she was still totally in love with me and that she'd give me another chance in a second if things would be different. I said "they won't be", which was hard, but I wasn't in the mood to reconcile at that point. I told her I thought she was codependent and that I would have had a lot more respect for her if she'd at least taken a little time to grieve the relationship before immediately jumping into the sack with a new (really old) guy. I told her I thought he was just a band-aid and that her inability to deal with anything was pathetic.

 

The next day I felt much better initially, but as the day wore on I felt like I'd been too hard on her. I called and told her I wanted to finish our conversation and my sole intention, believe it or not, was to go over and tell her nice things and try to improve her self-esteem a little bit. I did not go over with the intention of getting her back or anything. By the time I left she had literally sucked the life out of me. She was so depressed, she had left work early, hadn't slept the night before, and the apartment was completely dark. She and her son were curled up on the couch like two terminally ill patients. I realized that talking to her in any capacity was futile. I mentioned that I wanted my down comforter and pillows back and my Vonage phone. I told her that the thought of her screwing that old guy on my stuff really didn't sit well with me. She said "I need a week on the phone". That was five weeks ago, she still has it. Anyway, I re-initiated no contact after that meeting.

 

About a week later on a Friday night, after much introspection and some preliminary therapy, I randomly met this guy who used to stop in and give her flowers while she was working. (I should mention that she ALWAYS told me about guys who were hitting on her, something I didn't ever care to hear about) I had questioned whether anything had happened between the two of them due to some really overwhelming evidence and her response was "have you ever even seen John?!?" Since I hadn't, I just assumed he was ugly. He wasn't, and it got me to thinking that she probably had been screwing around on me.

 

So the next morning I called and said that I wanted the rest of my stuff back. She still had my down comforter, pillows, a $200 ethernet bridge, and Vonage phone service that I PAY FOR. She completely flipped out and we proceeded to talk repeatedly over the course of the day. Looking back, it was a HUGE mistake on my part because she always seems able to manipulate me and redirect my intentions, a tendency that strained the relationship, to say the least.

 

Anyway, the following week I called her on Tuesday and stopped by to visit her and her son, with whom I had developed a strong bond in the two years we were together. I left feeling fine, but the following Friday I walked into the local pub (where she works and where she met her new daddy), and lo and behold, there they both are, hammered and all over each other.

 

For whatever reason, my fight or flight took over and I could feel my heart start racing. I walked past without saying anything and ordered a beer. A minute later the two of them literally skipped past me holding hands out to the dance floor and were all over each other. I should mention that she had told me the previous Tuesday when we spoke that he was "ehhh" and she wasn't that into him.

 

So a little while later the two of them walk by and she's all friendly "how are you?" I just said, "I'm okay", and the guy sticks his hand out to shake mine. I crushed it for a minute and then said, "you're lookin' a little sweaty there, gramps. Plus, it looks like you're getting a liver spot on your face, you'll probably want to get that checked out."

 

She came up to me later and was completely obliterated. Important to note is that her new guy has no drivers license for multiple DWI's so she was now the designated driver. Nice. Anyway, I said "Look at yourself, you're trashed. Wrinkles is waiting for you over there, why don't you leave me alone."

 

That was the last time I talked to her. She's literally called me almost every day since, with her emotions running the gammit from the initial friendly tone, to the slightly frustrated, to the "oh, I get it you're not taking my calls", to the "you don't even have the decency to call and check on my child", to the sobbing "I just need to talk to you, I miss you so much, it's like you're dead or something". In addition, I've had about twenty hang-ups from her. I know it's her because my cell phone either reads "Warning! * * * * *", or "Do Not Answer", depending which number she's calling from.

 

So my question is, do I just need to keep dealing with her calling all the time. Even though I am completely committed to getting past her, it still sets me back to have to see that she's calling me. Should I just answer once and tell her to take a hint and give me my damn space? Sorry this is so long, but I have a lot of stuff I feel like venting these days, as do most people on this site.

 

Thanks for any replies.

[ocrob]

That sounds so difficult. You really do sound like a good guy. It sounds like you care about her child and it seems you want to do the right thing. It is very seldom that the guy is a good one. I have female friends and I happen to think I am a good guy as well. It sounds like you are trying to leave her alone. It also sounds like she is taking a turn for the worse. I don't know how you can or will go NC, but that is probably the best thing. I would get everything that you care about and then go NC. I would not go to the bar she works and just leave things alone, if that is what you want. Wow, that sounds tough. Good luck.

[DN]

Get your stuff back and then go no contact. She is trying to use you and also to use her son to put emotional pressure on you.

 

The only acceptable words from her to you would be "Please take me back" in which case you can then decide if you would.

[malcontent]

Well, as far as not going to the bar where she works, we live in a small town and it's really the "it" place for socializing/entertainment. I was going there for years before she even moved to this area, so I really don't think I should have to stop going someplace where I know practically everyone because she's there. I do understand what you're saying, though.

 

Can you still do no contact if you know you're going to run into the person on a regular, if somewhat infrequent, basis? I could just be aloof and ignore her, right?

 

I'm trying to leave her alone more for me than for her. As much as I know the relationship wasn't right - she was too clingy, too needy, had no independence, was an emotional vampire, etc. - I still have a two-year history with her and it pains me to see her with someone else. In fact, I got in the guys grill last night and am frankly a little embarrassed about it, but that's another story.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[Scout]

Why exactly did you two break up? I mean, yeah, it sounds like she has her flaws, but you two seem like you're both in love with each other. No chance of working things out?

[malcontent]

I honestly think I need to take this opportunity to move on with my life. I am currently living in the town where I grew up, a town I never intended to stay in. In fact, I had left for almost ten years and then came home following the death of my brother. From there things just snowballed and I started feeling trapped. She (the ex) didn't help, because every time I would try to explain that I felt like I needed to leave this area she would guilt trip me, BIGTIME.

 

She has a lot of qualities I like, but by the same token there's a lot about her I can't stand. I'm sure that's going to be the case in any relationship, but neither of us ever seemed to have any interest in improving ourselves while we were together, and in fact I completely let go, so to speak, of myself physically. I used to rank fitness as one of my highest priorities, and I'm glad to say that it has again retaken that spot, however while we were together I completely lost the will to do that.

 

I can't say it was her fault, but my general dissatisfaction with the relationship and with my life in general made it hard for me to motivate. As painful as this break-up process has been, it is really proving to be a tremendous learning experience for me. I have a much clearer idea of what I'm looking for in a woman now, and I have a whole new appreciation for the concepts of boundries and communication. That sounds lame and cliche, but it's true.

 

I know this will probably sound selfish and immature, but her jumping into this relationship immediately and flaunting it all over our very small town sort of removed any ambiguity I was feeling about the break up. I felt like she showed absolutely no respect for my feelings and actually went out of her way to show me what a great time she was having, knowing full well that it was hurting me badly. I just can't see myself ever being able to put that behind me and being able to develop trust for her again. As much as my sentiments right now may be just pride, maybe even foolish pride, I am not willing to go back there.

 

Plus, my sisters and mother can't stand her. They think she's a whiny, manipulative drama queen. They're pretty astute, BTW.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yup she sounds like what your mom and sisters describe. No need to work this one out, shes way to much work and frankly there are many girls out there with less baggage. You are supposed to be her SO not her therapist, and maybe you should recommend she get therapy if she hasnt already. Try to get your stuff back but dont risk your sanity for it. no point in being in a miserable relationship, even if you are miserable as a single. And yes I would relly be concerned that she had cheated on you. At best she took full advantage of the attention she was getting, at worst well you know....

[spitkicker]

I'm in a similar situation as you....

 

and you know what... the huge question is... How in the world can you go no contact when you'll basically run into that person or hear about that person or be with someone that knows that person every other day?

 

It's friggin impossible.. and doesn't help whatsoever in the healing process.

 

You know what the best solution is... running into that special someone that will love us for us.... to bad we can't control that right?

[malcontent]

I agree about the cheating. I should probably also mention that the reason her marriage ended was because she was screwing the contractor while her husband was at work.

 

* * * * *.

 

Beware of women with low self-esteem, no self-respect, and validation addiction.

[tylercdurden2004]

I agree about the cheating. I should probably also mention that the reason her marriage ended was because she was screwing the contractor while her husband was at work.

 

* * * * *.

 

Beware of women with low self-esteem, no self-respect, and validation addiction.

Those traits are a big no-no in my book. So you do know she was cheating with at least one guy?

[malcontent]

I'm in a similar situation as you....

 

and you know what... the huge question is... How in the world can you go no contact when you'll basically run into that person or hear about that person or be with someone that knows that person every other day?

 

It's friggin impossible.. and doesn't help whatsoever in the healing process.

 

You know what the best solution is... running into that special someone that will love us for us.... to bad we can't control that right?

 

Yeah, we can't control that. My current philosophy is "all me, all the time", at least for the time being. Until I get my own house in order I don't think it'd be worth looking for anything new.

 

As bitter as I am about the whole situation, there is a certain pathetic quality about a person who has never experienced life as a single person. I'm not saying single is the way to go, but it does give you an opportunity to get to know yourself.

 

I feel like she's sort of a chameleon or something; she becomes just like whoever she's dating and she MUST be with someone at all times.

 

She was constantly working on building her next relationship with some guy any time we hit the skids. A lot of times I feel like I should slap myself when I look back on how oblivious I was....very embarrassing.

[tylercdurden2004]

As bitter as I am about the whole situation, there is a certain pathetic quality about a person who has never experienced life as a single person. I'm not saying single is the way to go, but it does give you an opportunity to get to know yourself.

 

I feel like she's sort of a chameleon or something; she becomes just like whoever she's dating and she MUST be with someone at all times.

 

She was constantly working on building her next relationship with some guy any time we hit the skids. A lot of times I feel like I should slap myself when I look back on how oblivious I was....very embarrassing.

 

I think you are dead on with the "being single" part. Nowadays I personally would not date a girl who had jumped from relationship to relationship. To me it would say two things:

 

1) They are not comfortable being on their own and thus as you said would become clingy.

 

2) They havent taken the time to knwo themselves as just themselves and could I really trust them to "know" who they are and to be true to themselves to not become a "chameleon".

 

Its very important to sort yourself out first before you can really be the "one" for someone.

[malcontent]

Those traits are a big no-no in my book. So you do know she was cheating with at least one guy?

 

Well, I don't know, per se, but there were definite indications. I will attempt to get into the details, but it's such a particular situation with so many moving parts that it'll be tough to prove anything one way or another.

 

I'll put it this way: her son found a used condom under her bed. She and I never used condoms.

 

The caveat: she lives in an apartment located in a house occupied by a family with four sons, two of whom are 17 and 19. Their "rec room", where they have parties on weekends and stuff, is located accross the hall from her apartment and they are in and out of her place all the time when she's not there because they let her dog out when she's at work and stuff.

 

She told me about the condom and brought it downstairs and showed the landlord, who in turn had the locks changed. There were many, many times we'd come home and the toilet seat would be up with pee in it, and those were times when I'd been there the night before and had been with her the whole day it happened, so I knew there wasn't another guy there with her. The house where her apartment is located has a very communal atmosphere. The grandparents live in the in-law apartment downstairs and have three dogs themselves. They are in her place all the time.

 

Anyway, I wasn't there when her son found it and there's no way I ever would have found out about it if she hadn't told me. Part of me thinks it was some sort of elaborate cover story she thought up after her son found it because she thought he might tell me (he's only 3 and a half). The boys next door denied it, but if you screwed your girlfriend in the tenants bed while she was away, would you confess to your parents?

 

It's a tough call. I still think she cheated, though, but hopefully you can see how there could be doubts.

[tylercdurden2004]

Well again you mentioned the flowers thing right? I again would be concerned if she was recieving flowers and not being clear she was only invovled with you. Although she was not lying she was dissembling or not telling the whole story to serve her own purpose: to garner attention from other men. I would not give this chick the time of day much less my love. and right now I am being polite in my talking about her. She is a very messed up and bad person. Much more disturbing is that she doesnt consider her son.

[malcontent]

Well again you mentioned the flowers thing right? I again would be concerned if she was recieving flowers and not being clear she was only invovled with you. Although she was not lying she was dissembling or not telling the whole story to serve her own purpose: to garner attention from other men. I would not give this chick the time of day much less my love. and right now I am being polite in my talking about her. She is a very messed up and bad person. Much more disturbing is that she doesnt consider her son.

 

I know what you're saying about her son. Her selfish behavior destroyed her marriage, and god only knows how many men she's going to parade through her sons life given her lifestyle.

 

She's really, really hot. She knows it. She dresses sort of slutty and thinks she needs to be able to seduce any man. To be honest, there are probably not that many guys who wouldn't screw her given the chance. It's just that she's a better lay than SO. She can't be trusted and she's an emotional vampire.

 

I can't imagine the disrespect her son is going to have for women when he grows up...WATCH OUT LADIES.

[tylercdurden2004]

I know what you're saying about her son. Her selfish behavior destroyed her marriage, and god only knows how many men she's going to parade through her sons life given her lifestyle.

 

She's really, really hot. She knows it. She dresses sort of slutty and thinks she needs to be able to seduce any man. To be honest, there are probably not that many guys who wouldn't screw her given the chance. It's just that she's a better lay than SO. She can't be trusted and she's an emotional vampire.

 

I can't imagine the disrespect her son is going to have for women when he grows up...WATCH OUT LADIES.

Doesnt sound like her priorities are in order. Maybe some single time would have helped her sort that out before she dragged countless other lives through it. Is someone who is like that "really" hot? For me girls like this are total turnoffs. May be the authorities should step in?

[malcontent]

Doesnt sound like her priorities are in order. Maybe some single time would have helped her sort that out before she dragged countless other lives through it. Is someone who is like that "really" hot? For me girls like this are total turnoffs. May be the authorities should step in?

 

Well, really hot in the physical sense. She's just hot. Sure, once you get to know her you realize that there's a lot missing there, but if you're just looking to get laid, she's hot.

[ocrob]

Malcontent,

 

I have found that it is somewhat normal for a woman to jump into a relationship. My ex was engaged three weeks after we broke up. Things changed and we hung out as dating/friends for a year. She did go three months with out dating because I was there for her, but ended up with a new guy. Some women just need to always be in a relationship. My ex is very cool, but I feel sorry for her. She only has two good friends and one lives outside of the state and the other is a friend that I have gotten to know and really is not a good fit for her. Do you have anything that is keeping you in your town like a great job or anything? Maybe it is time to move again and experience something outside of your small town. I ended up where I am about four years ago just to move away from my ex wife and experience new things. My good friend lived near where I moved and of course he ended up moving. I now live in a pretty cool beach town and know a lot of the locals. Life is not perfect, but it is tolerable. If you can, then see about moving and starting fresh. Sometimes new environments can be so exciting.

[malcontent]

ocrob,

 

It's sort of ironic, because one of the biggest problems my ex and I had was that I always felt that she was too dependent on me for everything. She was always calling, always tracking me down, always making plans for when I'd be coming over next, always needing something, or whatever it may have been. I felt completely smothered by her and tried to get her to be more independent. I told her I'd like it if she hung out with her friends once in a while or found a hobby she liked...anything to show me that she could function independently of me. Well, she did. She found a guy who's 23 years older than she is who I've known my whole life...not exactly what I meant, but, as they say, "be careful what you wish for"...

 

As far as having anything keeping me in the town where I live, no, I don't. There were a lot of times I tried explaining to the ex that I was going to have to leave because there wasn't anything for me around here, professionally speaking. I guess now's my chance, eh?

 

My plan right now is to move to Boston at some point this summer. I've got a lot of friends down there, plus my sister and her fiance live there and have been bugging me to move down there for a while now.

 

I've currently got my resume circulating around with friends who are well-established in the city. I plan to start networking in the next few weeks.

 

In the meantime, I've re-dedicated myself to being physically fit again. I really let go during the relationship: stopped going to the gym, barely rode my bicycle, never went hiking. In other words, I stopped doing most of the things that I've always felt were most important to me.

 

In just two months back at the gym, I've seen huge improvements accross the board. I've also got almost 700 miles on my bike already this spring, and it's not even May yet. I've also dropped about 20 pounds in the past two months.

 

I agree completely with your sentiments regarding a change of scenery. I just want to work at rebuilding myself and regaining the confidence that, for me at least, always goes hand in hand with being in good shape. Once I feel great about myself, I'll be ready to relocate and hopefully pick up where my life left off before the past three and a half years of grief.