BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Ladies and Gents. Lets pretend that we follow and adhere to all of the advice of NC, saying NO to friends and moving on mentally whatever way that may be. We find ourselves fundamentally happy with life. Out of the blue - because we in part have done this - our ex's come back and say "Lets Get Back Together" Clearly we have two options. Say NO, which is easy. But for the sake of this thread lets say you say YES. You have squared off the reasons why you think you split up in the first place no longer apply and "Get Back Together." This is my question. Perhaps one of the reasons why your ex came back is because she/he saw you as a challenge and thus attractive. You can easily do that through NC and saying NO to Friends and showing (not telling) your moving on. Clearly this works if you have not done anything awful that warrents you being Dumped How do you keep yourself a challenge and successfully Get Back Together??? Scruff 1 Link to comment
Diggitydave Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 after what i just went through this post makes me sick. sorry no offense Link to comment
007 Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Yeah, it would be nice Scruff...However, my ex now has a new man in her life, and I'm sure that she's so happy, that I've got no shot now. Just another reason why life sucks. Link to comment
bobo85 Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 How do you keep yourself a challenge and successfully Get Back Together??? Scruff Keeping yourself a challenge and successfully getting back your ex are two completely different things. YES by being a challenge you will seem more attractive but that doesn't mean your ex wants you back. Your ex has to realize on her own that she does truly love you and has to want to get back together with you on her own, not with mind games or tricks. Link to comment
Dako Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Going back for second helping of near-lethal depression? Let me think that over... Link to comment
DN Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 scruff - are you thinking of getting back together with your ex and dumping your new g/f? Link to comment
Bethany Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 By limited contact. Being not so available as you once were. Having an indepedent life. Build up to better things by taking your time. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Clearly we have two options. Say NO, which is easy.did you mean that? But for the sake of this thread lets say you say YES.no, let's not... perhaps one of the reasons why your ex came back is because she/he saw you as a challenge and thus attractive. ...and this is why i say let's not, because no matter what she says, it may be that she got dumped by Mr. Wonderful and you are the second choice/patsy/rent payer/fall-back guy. nuts to that. Link to comment
jumper Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 did you mean that? no, let's not... ...and this is why i say let's not, because no matter what she says, it may be that she got dumped by Mr. Wonderful and you are the second choice/patsy/rent payer/fall-back guy. nuts to that. Here here! I totally agree with that somehow in my head not my heart. Thinking how if someone else dumped her and she comes running back because of how well I treated her. I am not second to anyone. Thats what I would feel like if that happened. She would just be with me until something better came along. Think about it. Link to comment
NubianLove Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 scruff - are you thinking of getting back together with your ex and dumping your new g/f? this was what I asked when he said he had someone new...I asked if his ex came back and conditions were met what would he do. Link to comment
Spugly Fuglet Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 What if your X makes you feel like S**T says its all your folt becuse your not a sucsess then gos so that you never ever see or hear from them again. until 13 years later when your a big susess have a grate wife but find out the X marred your best mate from then and have a kid. Hummm So lets get this start she rings you up and says I im sorry can you come look after me and his kid. Think I would chuw my own foot off 1st. Link to comment
DN Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 this was what I asked when he said he had someone new...I asked if his ex came back and conditions were met what would he do. I remember that - scruff? Link to comment
Phoenix69 Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Got my ex back. But only after a week of NC and him thinking I was moving on... But beware, getting back with the ex is not easy! It only works if both of your hearts are in it for the long hall. Caution is advised! Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 after what i just went through this post makes me sick. sorry no offense Im sorry if it makes you sick DD, however I had to throw this out into the open, because sometimes we have to try to pin down why our own situations dictate this daft paradym. Yes it makes me sick, but sometimes understanding why we feel sick will help us in the future to have sucessful reconcilations. This is an open ended thread, bear with me mate. x Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 Your ex has to realize on her own that she does truly love you and has to want to get back together with you on her own, not with mind games or tricks. Agree 100% Bob. However, NC, saying no to friends and moving on ( im not saying get a new GF) just moving on mentally, which just might be a simple matter of the function, time. These are not tricks or mind games. These are for you. We all know that. You are in a position of happiness because of that. The above is not to get your ex back. Its to get you back. The thing I struggle with is what people "say" they want and what they "really" want. Scruff Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 Going back for second helping of near-lethal depression? Let me think that over... Are you saying that no one deserves a second chance, or are you saying that if they come back sometimes as much as it *maybe* tempting going back, this might not be right because you both need to grow and learn because someting was fundamentally wrong that led to the split? As a side note I am not trying to wind anyone up here, just giving a *possible* situation that could help many. Why? Because your ex *might* ask to get back together. As such this area has rarely been explored ! Scruff Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 scruff - are you thinking of getting back together with your ex and dumping your new g/f? No, Im here because this forum is gold for me and as such I want to give back to it and the members that make it that way - as you do DN Scruff Link to comment
Dako Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Giving them a second chance to do what? After being decimated by a breakup, I have no need to get burned again by the same person. I'd actually prefer to be completely devastated by someone new and different. Variety is the spice of life. I don't believe every breakup is caused by something that can be fixed, or that there's always someone to blame. Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 did you mean that? no, let's not... No your right, but sometimes people find saying no is easy.Ie they dont want to work it out, even though they *might* not have the strength or help - to make it work. It *could* be something really simple. ...and this is why i say let's not, because no matter what she says, it may be that she got dumped by Mr. Wonderful and you are the second choice/patsy/rent payer/fall-back guy. nuts to that. It could be..... but this is my point. Loads of people could be blind to that, thus the feeling of "Lets get back together" needs to be looked at. They might have come back to you because you have moved on and they see you as a challenge in their minds, because they miss you. I really miss my little dog right now who has just being told by my mum that she has cancer. You have to be sure that *Missing*, *Attraction* and fundamental *love/ respect* are never a grey area or indeed confused with a pretext for getting back together. Scruff Link to comment
kadvati79 Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 At the risk of really offending people (which is not my intention) I would like to be really honest about what I think. I think alot of people need to just "get over themselves" when it comes to their ex's, stop being angry, stop blaming their ex's for making them unhappy, and stop steadfastly sticking to this "people should earn me" attitude. People make mistakes, people change. Actually people make some REALLY messed up mistakes. And just sometimes, people don't have any idea how to right these wrongs so they do nothing. How do I know this? Because I have changed so much I barely recognise myself sometimes. If you truly love someone, I believe there is no room for bitterness, no room for denial, no room for obsession. All there is room for is love. I think its sad people attack those on these forums for getting back with their ex's (or those that want too). I think most of this stems from insecurity within themselves and taking it as a personal affront regarding their own progress path to wellness. I applaud scruff for having the guts to start a thread that actually deals with "getting back together" issues after all - that is what this section of the forums is about. I have no time for bitterness and I have little time for people with steadfast cynical and jaded view of love. Now I am not religious, although i do have a slight spiritual side, but I saw this passage from the bible and it doesn't take a christian to see a series of words that makes sense: "Love is patient, love is kind . It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." - Corinthians 13:4-6 People sometimes say: "I would never take them back because they hurt me" or "I want them to go through the hurt I did"... or "They would have to earn me back so hard!"... I say good luck to those people. I don't believe love is earned, love is GIVEN. It is a GIFT. Its not something that can be taken away or destroyed. Yes, it can be changed. Yes, it can be very painful. I think when two people love each other, when they truly love each other but can't seem to make things work - the point they give up at is never. But thats just my opinion. My ex's opinion is to give up when the bad outweights the good. Neither is wrong or right. Do I care if he is sleeping around? If it makes him happy then fine, yes, it hurts. But its really none of my business. Would it affect whether or not we got back together? If he reaches the same conclusion as me regarding true love, and that you just keep trying and trying, then yes - I would take him back in a heartbeat. If I am to be guilty of something, let it be being a fool to love, rather than a slave to bitterness. Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 Got my ex back. But only after a week of NC and him thinking I was moving on... But beware, getting back with the ex is not easy! It only works if both of your hearts are in it for the long hall. Caution is advised! Thank you. As hard as it seems, getting your ex back can - given certain circumstances be easy following NC etc. Its when they come back and you get passed the initial " We are back together....wooooohooooo" is when the REAL stuff starts. From both sides. As such referring back to the concept of challenge. I think it is wise to define the term challenge before we move on. Some see it as fear of losing a person, some as changing a person - to name a few. My point is this. I know its not about game playing as such - but hey, welcome to life. It happens all the time, without us knowing it. Playing tricks or mind games ? What the differnce between that and seduction. When you get back together, you still have to seduce that person, right ? In fact come to think of it my Mum and Dad still seduce each other and they have been married for 40 years. ( claearly not in front of me b4 you start hahah ) Does my Mum see my Dad as a challenge, yes. Does my Dad see my Mum as a Challenge, Yes. So getting back together can be easy. But when it happens, you need to understand why that person is attracted to you and keep that attraction really alive. Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 Spot on pal, and I wish you all the best. This is my point. We are all here searching for the way to get back with your ex. Superdave71 is a hero, as we all know and frankly his threads will get YOU back or even better ( superficially) you EX. Bottom line. What happens when they come back Huh ??? What do we do. This forum is about " Getting Back Together" , not how to get your ex to a point of complete submission where she/he thinks "I Want To Get Back Together" I see all the ways of getting YOU back, or YOUR ex back, but I do not see anything, anything at all, about the great/fateful day when after months or years, they say " Lets Get Back Together" . THEN WHAT DO YOU DO - NC, LC, Aloof , Full ON etc "Getting Back Together" - we have thread after thread on NC NC NC NC. NO to friends, MOVE ON, MOVE ON, MOVE ON. If you want to look - check it out on the history of this forum. Some go back to 2002, different stories, same response. NC NC. It works 100% without a doubt. But the point of this thread is to freshen this forum up. What happens when they say "Lets get back together" Scuff Link to comment
DN Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 But the point of this thread is to freshen this forum up. What happens when they say "Lets get back together" You decide if you want to, if you can and if it is in your best interests to accept. Link to comment
BONO Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 You decide if you want to, if you can and if it is in your best interests to accept. That's the point of this forum/post, DN. To draw from thousands of people's experiences to help people when they get to a point of " getting back together" to decide, should we get back together ?????? Not how to get your ex to a point of questioning their decision, perhaps based on submission due to NC ETC. But moreover, trying to sense its a real feeling of wanting to get back together rather than a pretext for /insecurity/security blanket/lonely/ best friends/ sex / cudos / codependant/bored / etc /etc. And also to keep Getting Back Together , alive strong and sucessful. Perhaps thats through a challenge, perhaps not ??!!?? Scruff Link to comment
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