What"s Wrong ???? Help Me Please !!!!!

[gotaluvme]

I been in a relationship with this man for 6 years when we met he lied about his age because I was two years older than him, which I didn't find out until 2 ½ years later when I went to JA to meet his parents because I was 2 months pregnant with our child.

 

 

Throughout my pregnancy was pure hell with us, I wondered why he didn't want to marry me and finally he told me because he was married to someone else for his papers which he never got , (we got married November of that next year after he got a divorce) then I wanted to know why wouldn't he move in and he said it was because the apartment I was living in at the time was too small, So I went out when I was 8 months pregnant and found a bigger apartment paying $1220 rent a month , which was a huge jump from Paying $500 a month Once I moved in he brought a couple of clothes to appease me after I again questioned why won't he move in , I was fine with it for about a year after I had my son and then the issues arose again he was barely paying his $500 part of the rent and his half of the b-sitter fee with was $200 a month so I had to pick up all of the slack for me and the 2 kids ( Sorry if I didn't mention earlier but I have a son from a previous relationship who is now 13Yrs old) I found myself losing my car and things being very hard to survive everything for me went down hill a few months later he told me that he had another son who was a couple of months older than our son , I was devastated apparently he helped a girl he was dating in Jamaica before he came to the US get to the US and they had a relationship going on the same time me and him were involved I was CRUSHED, he was distant to me for 4months he wouldn't stay the night nothing!

 

 

I begged him to not leave me and be with her! And nevertheless like an * * * I accepted him when he decided to come back to me. I had totally lost my mind! Through all of this we still weren't living together I don't know where he lives but I am 100% sure he doesn't live with a woman because he would stay the night at my house at least 6 days out of a week. After a couple of months things starting to get bad again we would argue, break up and make up this went on for at least 7 months , because it was so hard for me to trust him because when he wasn't with me I thought he was with his other son's mother, I would always ask him and he told me that they don't live here anymore , so I left it alone but every time he went out of town I felt it was to see her, even though he would say it's for business. Also keep in mind I pay all the rent, gas a utilities on my own all he pays is our son's school fee which is $125 a month and now he is having a problem paying that & I have allowed him over the years to have a key to my home and keep some of his convenient clothes at my house, other words we were playing house and that was good enough for him.

 

 

On January2, 2006 I was off from work, (mind you I didn't see him all the weekend I didn't even get to bring in the new year with him all he did was leave this sorry * * * message on my phone because he couldn't get through talking about happy new year I'll see you soon, well I didn't nor did he call). Soooooo On January 2nd I was off from work and decided to go to the mall and who do I see him his son's mother and his son!! WOW what a smack in the Face! I asked him what he was doing and he told me to relax and that they came up and he wanted to buy his son something before they left and a blah, blah blah I told him to give them cab fare and let's go, he did and we left, we starting to fight when leaving the mall so he didn't go home with me he called me and he apologized and tried to explain and come up with fifty millions lies that I fell for.

 

 

Once again I let him back in. I told him this was it he had to fully commit and move in and change his ways or it was over needless to say he didn't move in, but he would come every night to the week and brought a little more clothes to put in the closet over the years I would say he had a total of 6 outfits = (2 casual 4 Party clothes which he just didn't bother taking home the next day after we went out and partied) He didn't come to my house on the weekend of April 7th , I had enough !! so when I Saw him that following Monday I asked him for my house keys and I told him that he doesn't need them he has a home, after that he didn't come over for a week then he called me and asked me for one of his suits he had at my house and I told him I would pack up all of his clothing because being that he doesn't live with me and doesn't have access to my home anytime he wants I felt he should have all of his clothes at his house , so I packed them all up and put them in my car so when he met me to borrow my car they were in the trunk , so since April 7th he hasn't stayed one night at my house.

 

 

I spoke to him on the phone today and asked him what was going on with us and he said I should know all of the answers because I'm the one who seems like I know it all because I packed up his clothes so I said to him what does one thing have to do with another so you don't come around anymore because I took away your little comfort of having your cake and eating it too , I told him I can't take it anymore and he has to commit I don't know what kind of marriage we have we don't live together I don't know where he lives I cant get in contact with him when I want to , I always have to call one of his friends , I told him that I am tired and that he either has to shape up and commit or it's over. He told me he can't move in until he is steady on his feet just in case I kick him to curb or throw him out , and he can't take that chance because he has seen it happen a lot, so I said forget it because everything in life is a chance and you should do it because you want to do it and if you really wanted to do it you would have done it years back , he sat very quite on the phone and just listen as I just told him how I felt like he has feeling for me but feels like I am not the one he really want to be with , then I had another call that I had to take so he said he would talk to me later or something and I said ok , and that was it.

 

 

I feel like a loser!!! I am a well grounded person , I have good job, personality, good qualities and a great mom , & friend , I'm very family oriented and I have a lot morals and values , Maybe I'm just a little too good . Man, I think about how I use to treat this man my car that I lost was a BMW and I would just give to him whenever he wanted it, Every trip we went on I paid for, I use to buy him clothes, shoes jewelry everything and I'm talking about quality nothing but the best, I never asked for anything I would try to be perfect for him the wife outside and the * * * * * or hoe in the bedroom always wanted to keep him pleased, What Is really WRONG ?

[SilverManic]

Sounds like you deserve some answers and if he's not going to give them to you then I would get as far away from him as possible. What type of life is that for your children? Never knowing where Daddy is? You deserve better you are caring and sound like a compasionate mother. Don't let him walk all over either he moves in and starts acting like a family or he gets out permantly.

I understand that it must be hard for you but you have to do whats best for you and your children and only you can decide what that is.

Good Luck,

~S.

[agent1607307371]

"What Is really WRONG ?"

 

He is.

 

He's been taking advantage of you so he can live as he wants with no concern for you.

Now you are asking questions of him he is turning it back to you and generally being childish and manipulative.

 

You and your children deserve a much much better situation and I hope that you are able to get that.

[RayKay]

He used you sweetie, over and over again. He never really committed to you, even if he did marry you, in his heart and mind he was never into it.

 

You have spent all this time letting him walk over you hoping it will make him realize his ways...but it won't, and it only enables him more and more.

 

What was he like in the first couple years before you got pregnant?

 

Youd don't even know how to contact him or where he is most of the time! What would happen if your son was hurt or ill for example?

 

I know you have a child with him, but he is TOXIC to your life, you need to cut the relationship with him and file for a divorce. Work out a custody arrangement with him if he still wants to be in his son's life. If he doesn't, see if he is willing to give up his parental rights...while I don't advocate a parent doing so, he does not even sound like he is willing to take much responsibility for his life or is actions.

 

Also, look for a more affordable apartment and get back on your feet again. Don't allow him to take advantage of you ever again.

 

Bottom line, he's a selfish, manipulative leech. I bet you he feeds the same story to other women too. Time to cut it off, and move on for you and your children. They deserve better then this too. They are going to grow up believing this is normal and how women should be treated. Stop it now, stand up for yourself, respect yourself and end this marriage.

[Mun]

Hi there,

What is really wrong hun, in my opinion, is that you didn't value yourself enough. Somewhere along the line you started to believe that he was better than you and you had to "win" him over---so you let him use your car, use your money, walk all over you...even when he showed you he didn't want anything too serious. Sure he finally married you, maybe only to appease you?

 

Girl you do deserve better, but you have to start treating yourself better first. No more handing over your hard-earned money to someone who is not even committed to you. A paper doesn't say committment, his actions do and this man's actions don't. you know that and I think you knew that all along.

 

Are you ready to walk away for good? I hope you are and to start off you need to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made--that I mentioned before-- A bad relationship like this will leave you a few $$ in the hole, but will teach you a good lesson, take it from somebody who knows

 

Girl you know that a man that wants to be with you will do all he can to make you happy. This guy isn't it.

 

Before you can have better, you need to do better...for yourself.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm going to tell you something that you already know: this is a disaster.

 

An absolute disaster. This guy is waslking ALL OVER YOU. And you are putting up with it. Why? What does he do for you that you would possibly want to work things out with him? Is he a good father to your son? How could he be when he's not sleeping in the same house because he's too busy living with his other baby momma? And I say other baby momma because that's all you are to him: his baby's momma. You two have a marriage on paper but that's all you have. Your marriage to him is about as good as the one he got just for a piece of paper to get him into the country.

 

I have three suggestions.

 

One: file for a divorce. You don't have a marriage with him now as it is anyway, so you might as well end it in paper. The courts should also be able to help you get some money out of this lyng deadbeat for you to care for your child.

 

Two: get yourself tested for STD's. Seriously. He sounds like he's been around the block, and although you don't say so explicitly I'm assuming you two were having sex when he would "visit" the house frequently. In six years if you don't think he's slept with a woman other than the other baby momma, you are kidding yourself. One in four adults in the US have herpes, they don't put all those Valtrex commercials on TV because it's rare...

 

Three: Start seeing a therapist. You wasted years of your life with this guy, and you should try to figure out why and fix it. eNotalone is great, but it's no substitute for professional help and I think you would benefit from it. Whatever problems you had before you met him, I can only imagine the damage he has done to your self esteem in recent years.

[Bethany]

What is wrong?

You are trying to make him commit and move in with you but what you SHOULD be doing is telling him that it's over.

 

Everytime you try to get him to move in, he knows you still want him, which just reinforces the fact that he can walk into your life whenever he feels like it and walk out just a easily with no consequences. So tell him that he needs to get out of your life FOR GOOD and mean it. Tell him you've had a change of heart and you DON'T want him back.

 

RayKay is right, he is just using you.

[gotaluvme]

I have been used and it hurts !!! It hurts so much words can't express how much. I would always ask him why does he stay with and if when things get great for him will he leave me and he said if he wanted to leave he would have been left and sometimes he can't stand my ways especially when we argue and he said they are times he just can't stand to be with out me. He also would tell me when I said that he is trying to use me and he would say What do you have you are not a millionaire? you don't give me nothing( obviosly not anymore not after all he has done) , you don't take care of me so how could I be using you ? Which always led me to think and then I would start to believe that he really does love me.

 

I don't know I am very hurt and confuse and I appreciate you guys giving me feedback and advice , I thank you all so much and do please feel free to add as I will keep this thread up to date with the latest.

[Bethany]

...... I said that he is trying to use me and he would say What do you have you are not a millionaire? you don't give me nothing( obviosly not anymore not after all he has done) , you don't take care of me so how could I be using you ? Which always led me to think and then I would start to believe that he really does love me.

 

I think you should change the last part of that sentence to...... "he really does manipulate me." Remember it when he feeds you these BS lines again.

 

 

Sometimes we have to toughen up and do the thing we fear most... and do it for ourselves.