Fer chriss sakes..ex contacting thing

[itsallgrand]

I'll try to keep this crisp and short.

Was seeing a man for many years. Several weeks ago I broke it off. NC. Fine and dandy.

Our relationship was strained and unclear prior to the breakup.

He left for work for a month; and I had asked for a break from the phone calls and long distance doo-ha. I told him I loved him. Wanted to continue our relationship per our monog-arrangement. The reason I asked for it was to get my head together. He saw another woman during that month, felt like cheating to me, I got upset and broke off.

We spoke once after I cut contact. My initiative, I called. It was a call that allowed me to hear his side, and I told mine. He asked for friendship. I declined at the time, the possibility of later still open. Overall we hung up on good terms i thought.

I was able to begin to not think of him so much. I have got where I can imagine things without him; it still aches and i miss him, but I'll get through it type of deal.

 

Here is where I'd like some help in seeing the larger picture:

He emailed me tonight.

He says he realizes now how I do love him and why it upset me (the other woman).

he goes on 'maybe we should date??!!' 'sit down n talk??' here's the funniest one 'if you really do love me how about we give it a serious try??' and 'ahhh every since we talked all i do is think of you'

 

And I could think reading it was 'Ohhh poor baby. wah wah. Jerk butt'

But deeper than the sarcasm and pissiness, I liked to see some acknowledgement of my side and feelings.

I just don't like how he still doesn't get the degree he hurt me, and that he made it sound like Isomehow owe him .

 

I haven't replied. Haven't really decided what i will do.

 

Truth is, I love him like crazy...like crazy!

But I don't know anymore if I want to be with him. I don't know that even if I do want to be with him, it would be the best thing in the larger scope.

 

What do you think? I'm sure y'all have seen a million stories like this; so honest insight would be much appreciated.

[annie24]

you really do love me how about we give it a serious try??'

 

well, what does he think you two have been doing the last several years???

 

He's the one that started seeing someone new. (however, you two were technically on a "break" so I'm not sure he did anything really wrong.)

 

I don't blame you for how you feel. I think you are handling things quite well. Sure, you can love him, but like you noticed, he sounds somewhat manipulative. Do you really need to be married to THAT?

 

follow your heart. You may be right - in the bigger scheme of things, it might be best not to get back with him.

 

good luck

[itsallgrand]

Thanks annie.

 

Yes, the fuzziness of the 'break' i asked for is what keeps me in doubt of whether i am doing the right thing.

In my mind, it simply meant time alone as individuals, but with the same level of commitment. I asked for one month. And he was gonna be away. So I guess on my side - I was somewhat insensitive, which I have now come to realize, and that he may not have gotten the same impression that I had.

 

That is the thing that hounds me. I think he does love me; but he was mad or confused and so turned away.

 

I am an hardcore no-cheating, one man kind of woman. He knew that. So he must have known I would leave - which was a move on his part of leaving me first.

 

Don't want to analyze this to death. lol.

 

I think in my heart I love him dearly. I don't think I can or want to commit to him again though. He has poor ways of dealing with troubles; turning outside the relationship. I may be messed up in my ways sometimes - but I do not betray or cheat.

 

lol. thanks annie

[Beyondthesea]

In my mind a break is a break from each other, not a way to go out and date other people. I would interpret it the same way as you, and would also drop any man who dated someone else during the break.

 

I think he is just missing what he had now that it is gone and you've done the right thing. If you feel you can't commit to him any longer, he isn't the one for you.

 

Good luck!

[DN]

Yes, the fuzziness of the 'break' i asked for is what keeps me in doubt of In my mind, it simply meant time alone as individuals, but with the same level of commitment. I whether i am doing the right thing.

asked for one month. And he was gonna be away. So I guess on my side - I was somewhat insensitive, which I have now come to realize, and that he may not have gotten the same impression that I had.

 

This underlines the importance of being on the same page when asking for a break and agreeing the 'terms and conditions' . What was in your mind was obviously not what was in his. Some breaks are as you describe but sometimes people agree to date other people. Unless he specifically agreed not to date others it is not unreasonable for him to have done that and it is not cheating.

 

But all that is really a distraction from the more important issue: do you love him enough to want to put the relationship back on track and do whatever is necessary to make that happen?

[itsallgrand]

I don't know.

I wish I did.

[DN]

I don't know.

I wish I did.

 

Then you should go no contact until you do.

[itsallgrand]

Okay. That's my gut feeling too.

It would only cause pain on both ends otherwise.

 

Thank you.

[annie24]

I agree with DN about the break. It's important to say what the conditions of the break because he is not a mind reader. It is important that both people are having the same understanding about what the break entails.

[itsallgrand]

Yes. I had thought I had made myself clear and we had an understanding, but looking back i'm not so sure if we truly did. I think I may have screwed up.

That's sucks.

 

I need to work on my communication skills.

[fishrrshortae]

Itsallgrand --

 

You said in your orig post:

 

Truth is, I love him like crazy...like crazy!

But I don't know anymore if I want to be with him. I don't know that even if I do want to be with him, it would be the best thing in the larger scope.

 

Honestly, I agree w/ the others that his "wrongdoing" wasn't that wrong.. unless he slept with her or something.. However, I *do* think he owes you a bit. Take this opportunity to tell him that you need space. You need to figure out, before you do anything else, whether or not you want to work at it like you've been doing. Taking a breather for a bit will produce two results: 1) either you'll feel OK and want to move on to someone new or 2) you'll realize that you want him and no one else.

 

This may seem counterproductive, but maybe you should both take space again to decide where it's going from here...

[itsallgrand]

Thanks fish.

That makes a lot of sense.

I'm still feeling confused today.

 

As the storm calms down, it is becoming clear that: my emotions aside, what he did was not terribly wrong.

It was an ugly communication problem.

 

Whether or not in the end we try again; I do care about this man and want to do everything I can to make things right.

 

Since I'm still confused, I'm going to wait until my head is more level.

[RANKANDFILE]

annie would you email or instant message? would love your advice.

[annie24]

Please enable Private messaging on your account and I will be happy to do so.