help destinys confusing me

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

Where to start Other then im going absolutely nuts. Or think I am. Im going to be straight forward and honest and hope people arent to judgemental and can give me their honest opinion and suggestions.

 

I am married for almost 16 yrs I have 3 children, 2 of them are my husbands my youngest is my soul mates child. My relationship with my soul mate has always been close friend wise we dated, we do love each other. But we have never been strong enough in our relationship to try and see if we can see if it would work.

 

I have known my soul mate since 5th grade but we moved shortly after and i lost contact. When i was 17 we moved back in the area and One day I was at a restraunt sitting by myself when my soul mate Bob's family came in and sat at the table next to mine. Bob came in a short time later and instead of pulling up a chair to their table he sat at mine and placed his order.

 

I was like omg who is this guy, he thought i knew his family and was sitting with them lol. We dated from that point on til he was in a accident and became totally convinced he had nothing to offer me and started to push me away. It hurt so bad, I was in love with him knew i would for the rest of my life I asked him to marry me on my 18th birthday when he took me to see the fire works for 4th of july weekend. He said no because we were only 18 and 19. We remained friends saw each other still but it wasn't the same. I had to realize I was wishing on stars and he wouldn't see that yes though he was disabled from a accident I didnt care all i wanted was his love, the companionship we always had etc.. But he wouldnt come around.

 

I met my husband about that time and when he asked me to marry him 3 months after we met i said yes. Though I told bob that i was getting married I hoped the whole time before we left to get ready for our wedding he would wake up and realize what he had before it was to late. But he didn't.

 

 

Bob and I remained friends, we called each other often. I saw him every time i went to chicago where i grew up. But it got harder and harder to see him then leave him.

 

Then 13 yrs ago my husband and i got in a fight and he hit me. I called bob because I needed a ear to bend. HIs parents offered for me to come up and stay with them if I needed to get away I didnt think twice I headed up. Bob lived in their basement apartment. I wont go into all the details, but we discovered that we never stopped loving each other, and we created a child with a single night that destiny threw in a surprise that would forever tie us together.

 

When i discovered 4 weeks later that i was pregnant I called bob to tell him, he never asked if the baby was his. I assume its because i always told him when i was pregnant. And i was on the pill and he used the withdraw method. I do not regret we had that night, i do not regret that I had bobs child. I do regret I never set him straight.

 

Problem number 2, I never told my husband either. He always assumed the child was his though I have no clue how since it was obvious i got pregnant around the time i was in chicago and the child looks like bob alot. He has my eyes, my hair, but everything else is bob.

 

bob and i remained in touch, bob got to meet his son though he had no clue it was his son. Bob eventually got married 8 yrs down the line but he is divorced now.

 

here is the final crux, I lost contact with bob about 2 to 3 yrs ago. I called a few times when i never heard from him but there was never a answer. I wrote letters just recently that was never answered I found out why. The house i was sending them to looked like it hadnt been lived in for years.

 

 

I recently decided to set bob straight about our son. Yes im still married to my husband but our relationship has never been the same since he first hit me. I wrote him 2 letters, i drove to chicago to try and find where he was at and I couldnt find him. No one at the court house where he worked for years knew him. His ex wife didnt know where he was and hadnt heard from him in a long time.

 

I finally paid on the internet for information on bob, I found a disturbing information. Which doesnt make sense. Bob is currently in prison for having a gun on his possession when he had a previous felony. He couldn't be a deputy sheriff and have a felony. All other searches has come up zero on any other convictions.

 

I saw he was to be paroled july 1st. and looked information up on how to contact him and got the prisons inmate mail information and sent him 2 more letters. Which he hasnt had time to reply.

 

People have asked me if im nuts taking the chance on telling a guy in prison that hes a father. I dont think so, i have known him so long, and seen sides to him that no one else that doesnt knows. I know i can trust him and hope he will not be to angry that i kept this from him all these years. But I do think to that destiny is throwing in its hand again. 1 me finding him in a place i would have never thought to look. the 2nd hes being released 2 days before the 19th annversary of the day i asked him to marry me.

 

 

Believe me no one can say anything I havent already thought, no one can be more judgemental then i can be on myself. I have made many mistakes in my life one of them isnt my son. I hope bob lets me know exactly what happen since i last heard from him that ended up with him being in prison. But I have never expected him to answer to me for anything else and i wont now. I do hope though he will know that i will not be judgemental on him. Everyone makes mistakes and hopefully he has learned from his.

 

I am willing to let him get to know his son, even if its a mutual friend. I am willing to let my soul mate get a chance to know me again. I am willing to see what destiny is throwing at us now. I am willing to see if theres anything still left of our love and jump at the chance. Am i wrong to want to be with my soul mate. Am i wrong to want to see if we still love each other as much as we did 13 yrs ago or even 3 yrs ago. Am i wrong to want to know if his marriage didnt work because he still loved me. I know mine hasnt worked that well because I have never loved my husband the way i do bob. My soul and heart hasnt been in it either.

 

I just hope that what ever destiny is about to throw at us again. That we arent too damn chicken to see it. If it wasn't ment for me to tell him that he was a father I wouldnt have had a voice tell me to try that site. I also believe that destiny wouldn't have pointed me towards him when i was about to give up on finding him, just in time for him to get my letters and think it over before hes released.

 

Once again I appreciate any response you can give. and as i said before you cant be more judgemental then i have already been on myself. I know it was wrong to sleep with another man then my husband. I know it was wrong not to tell bob he is a father before now. I know it was wrong not to tell my husband that the son he always thought was his isn't. But i am tired of the lies i started 16 yrs ago, im tired of the more lies i created 13 yrs ago. I am totally tired of living this lie and only hope that i can make correct the errors i made because i was too much a coward to fight for what life kept throwing at me.

 

Just so you know i do not plan to tell my son that his father isnt his father at this point. I would like to see what bob says first. If bob is the same man i have known for 26 yrs he will understand the predictament that we are in and more then likely would like to meet christopher as a mutual friend to start and see where it leads. If my son realizes that he looks like his father and ask then i will have a talk with him about it hopefully with bob there.

 

Bob may have done some wrong in the last few years. But the kind guy i fell in love with 19 yrs ago would never do anything to hurt his child. He also knows what kind of person my husband is and what he is capable of doing. I just hope that between us 2 we can work out something that will have less impact then to come out and say something that would destroy my son, and who knows what my husband would do if he finds out. If he can hit me in just a argument, what would he do if he finds out i lied to him for all these years to.

 

Looking forward to your replies.

 

dazed and confused by destiny

[missbrittanyy]

We dated from that point on til he was in a accident and became totally convinced he had nothing to offer me and started to push me away

 

it makes me really sad when people are in love, and they feel like the best thing they can do for that person is just say goodbye. that's really sad..

 

i think after all the trouble you've gone through bob deserves to know he has a beautiful son, i believe your entire family deserves to know this as well.

 

including your son and your current husband

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I know bob and i discussed this that weekend and he realized that what he did was wrong and how much it hurt me. I kick myself for not sticking around for him to wake up. Instead I ran to the first man who walked into my life.

[missbrittanyy]

i get some times when you love some one you think you know what's best for them, but some times you should also let them figure out what's best for them. im going through hell right now over a heart break

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I think one of my favorite sayins is, if you love someone let them go, if they love you they will return.

[missbrittanyy]

im having a hard time letting go though

 

and im to scared to let my relationship sit in the hands of faith

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I can understand that. It hasnt been a piece of cake for me either. I feel like im on a constant rollercoaster especially since i first started to contact bob again this last month. I have gone from being terrified of telling him, to be terrified i would never see him again because he might be in some witness protection program. To waiting on pins and needles this last week waiting for his reply to the announcement 13 yrs later that hes a father.

 

Btw the reason i said witness protection program is, I had someone look information up on him first. And there is no record of him being in the law enforcement, no record of him ever having a gun, all records of him other then getting married have ceased to exist. Except for his current information of him being in prison.

[missbrittanyy]

i always thought i was too young to be in love.. well i've experianced and now im destroyed. i believe whom ever made the quote "its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" is on drugs.

 

i really hope you find bob. i'd be rly worried if i was you

 

do you plan on tellin ur son and current husband

[DN]

Tell the truth - you owe it to everyone concerned, not least your son who deserves to know his parentage.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

At the moment I do not plan to tell christopher or my husband. I want to see what bob says first. There is a possibility as i said earlier that my husband already knows and doesn't care. Because the child doesnt look at all like him, and we didnt have sex around the time he was concieved. Biology doesnt make a father its what is put into it. I am just trying to take one day at a time at this point. In the future I may tell christopher about bob being his father. He knows i have a friend named bob and that we had been friends for a long time but thats it. All of my family knows about bob. They have all met him. Thats one thing i made sure of, even if i didnt tell them how bob is involved with christopher.

 

As to my husband I am scared to tell him. If he can hit me in a argument what would he do when he finds out hes been lied to if he hasnt figured it out already?

[missbrittanyy]

i dont understand why you went back to him once he hit you in the first place

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I came from a very unstable home. My mom was abusive towards me because i was to much like my father. My mom married 3 times after my father and hasnt seen her last husband in 17 yrs. I guess i stayed because I wasnt ready to see what life had out there for me other then being alone if bob and i didnt get together again. Where my husband at least on 90 percent of the time hasnt been abusive, we have a good relationship on most days, and i had 3 children i needed to think about. I guess it was the same insecurity that said yes to his proposal rather then facing life without bob.

[shyanne]

i don't think you should ever keep something like that a secret. i think you should tell your husband too. if you guys were soulmate he would feel the same for you, or so they say. being with someone in jail or someone that hits you is not a good thing. maybe you should focus on your kids and you more. i hope your husband hasn't hit you since.. and if he does, be strong enough to leave. that's not a healthy relationship nor is being in love with someone in prison.

[DN]

What you have done is called paternity fraud - i.e. knowingly defrauding the biological father of his child, the child of his father and your husband of years of child support and emotional investment.

 

The parentage of a child is not just about what the mother wants.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I did tell my childs father i was pregnant he just assumed the baby was my husbands and i never corrected him on it. After all I was on the pill and he withdrew. I am finally setting him straight on it. I hope he will understand.

 

As to my husband do you see why I never told him. Because he hit me and if he could hit me before i found out i was pregnant what would he do if he found out i was pregnant with another mans baby.

 

Believe me I have wanted to fix everything for a long time, but the longer I waited the harder it got to be.

[DN]

There are other ways of dealing with the possibility of your husband hitting you that by going ahead with this lie. As someone else said, why did you go back to him if you were afraid of him?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I went back to him for the same reason i never left. Insecurity. Even if he hit me, i still had a roof over my head, a place to call my own, security that i lacked all my life that my mom didnt offer every time she threatened to throw me out on my butt.

[Dating Coach]

I don't believe in soulmates. I do believe in love.

 

Do you really think Bob is so great? Would be be great for the kids? The guy has a history of trouble with the Law, and gets put in jail for carrying a concealed gun. Why did he carry a concealed gun? There is a lot more to this story and I am curious as to what it is. To me, it doesn't sound like either man in your life is very good for you. Maybe due to the problems during your upbringing you are attracted to, or feel "used to" people with troubled lives.

 

If I were a friend of yours, I would try to convince you to leave your current husband, seek counciling, and try to meet new people, ones who are truly good people who can love you like anyone should be. And ones without felonies or jailtime.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

i do not have the complete story on how he was convicted of a felony of having a gun in his possession when he was a deputy sheriff for many years. If he had a previous felony he would have never been alowed to be in the law enforcement let alone have been liscensed to carry a gun. Yes i saw him at his work, yes i met his co workers, yes i met the judge whom he was deputy in his court room. So no it wasnt just something he told me. I have looked and looked there is no previoius felony, and i do know his phone number and his parents phone number goes to a house that is still registered as their residents but no one lives there. That along with all of his work records, his liscense to carry a gun, everything else has been erased like it never existed. Can you tell me how this can happen to someone who was a deputy sheriff. Only thing i can think of is witness protection program. But if that was the case would his information be on a website that anyone can find.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I will not turn my back on a friend who has always been there when i needed help. It would be different if he had murdered someone, molested a child, sold drugs to chilren, child pornography etc. but sorry minor felonies in my book especially carrying a gun when he was liscensed to do so. Isn't something i would turn my back on. Do you know driving with a suspended liscense plate even not knowing, is a felony and a 10,000 fine along with a 1 year pirson sentence if found guilty. Do you know driving with a suspended drivers liscense is a felony even if you werent notified. and can get up to a 1 year sentence.

 

There are alot of felonies that are bogus, and there are those that are legit. Sad in my book that a person can unknowingly drive with their drivers liscense suspended and get thrown in prison for a year, where someone can go 60 miles a hour in a school zone and get a fine and a slap on the wrist.

[Dating Coach]

You don't get put in prison for a first offense of carrying a concealed weapon. You might get fined, have to do community service, you might even spend a couple nights at the jail, but you don't get thrown into prison. There is more to this story. My entire family is in Law Enforcement. Something here isn't right.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I totally agree that it doesnt sound right. I hope bob explains when he gets in touch with me. But im not going to hold my breath. I have never expected him to answer to me for anything and im not going to start now.

[Hope75]

Did you ever have a paternity test done on your son before writing these letters?

 

I remember you posted about this before saying it was possible that this Bob was the father of your child- but you still have no biological proof- is that correct?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

would you need a paternity test if you had sex with only one person in several months and wound up pregnant. I doubt any of you are thinking about that. You just view it as well i was having sex with 2 men. When that is not the case.