When she doesn't know what she wants...

[poke]

My wife of 8 years, partner of 12 has just told me that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. Part of her does, the majority part, but another part doesn't. We have 2 children, 4 & 7.

 

She has been with two other people while I have been with her... a one night stand just before we got married, and a 6 month affair almost 3 years ago. 12 months after I found out about the affair, I left her. I felt that her behaviour patterns were not changing, and that it would only be a matter of time before I got hurt / it happened again. After 6 months of being separated, I came back to her. Confident that things would be different. That I would be different, and that should be enough to at least improve the situation to some extent. That was a year ago. As far as I've known, the last year has been good. Not always easy, but a massive improvement on our previous efforts.

 

The last few months have been hard for her, lots of nasty life events that have a habbit of all happening at once. I knew she had been down and stressed, but I wrote this off as a reaction to her grandfather dying, and other things that had been happening. Last week, I caught her starting something with a guy she has met at Uni. It wasn't physical, but I knew thats where it was heading. After talking to her about it, and having her lie a number of times saying that it wasn't like that, she admitted that it was headed for the bed.

 

All of that was stuff that I knew would happen sooner or later, one reason why I was semi vigilant about what was happening in her life. After the conversation about her uni friend, a whole lot of other stuff came out. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me, she doesn't know what she feels for me, she craves the single life she never had. (she got married at 19, and I was her first real boyfriend). But.... of course, she still loves me, and wants to be with me now, just not necessarily permanently.

 

I sort of got a bit upset about that, and said that I wasn't comfortable continuing a relationship with someone that didn't want me, and I suggested that she move out, take some time to work out what she wants... without the stress of the kids, and our life... and come back to me with a decision.

 

She rang me today (she left yesterday), and said that she wanted to work through her issues while living with me and the kids. I told her that for most of the issues that had been oncovered, that would be fine, but she could not come back to live with me as my wife until she could tell me that I was the one she wanted, and that I am someone she wants to be with for as long as possible.

 

I felt like * * * * when I said that to her... as I felt like I was just pushing her away. Giving her exactly the one thing that shes been craving - single life and freedom, and that she might like it so much that she won't ever come back.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

[GreatGuy]

Becarefull my friend!!! I think you ought to start getting your self ready for some bomb shell!! Usually this is the calm before the storm. You got to know that she is planning something big, giving hints here and there, and ussually guys are last to be on the same page. DO begin to prepare for the worst that way you won't have to be surprised and emotional and irrational. Trust me on this one, she is way ahead of you with these things...you need to catch up really really fast and wake up!!

 

Sorry for being so hard, but I must warn you.

[poke]

I'm the one thats kicked her out now... so the worst she can do is not come back. I'm prepared for that, I just would much perfer it if she did come back for the right reasons.

[MetalGuitar]

I think that you did indeed do the right thing. You stood up for yourself and let her know exactly where you stand, and no matter what her decision is, you did the right thing. Don't compromise your morals for someone who has clearly abused you, and continue to stand on solid ground. Trust me, it's for the better.

 

Shes done this to you several times, and it obvious that she's got a lot of thinking AND changing to do if she wants the marriage to work, but the question is, is do you want to stand by her again while she may or may not change?

[poke]

Yes, if I can see that she has genuinely made effort to resolve these issues, I would stand by her again. But!!!! The patience is wearing very thin. I don't think I would be strong enough to handle and incident where she did do something physical with another guy. The only reason that this time has not been like that, is that I caught it before it became "anything".

[Süsser Tod]

She rang me today (she left yesterday), and said that she wanted to work through her issues while living with me and the kids. I told her that for most of the issues that had been oncovered, that would be fine, but she could not come back to live with me as my wife until she could tell me that I was the one she wanted, and that I am someone she wants to be with for as long as possible.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Sorry, but you aren't doing the right thing. The right thing would be to transfer your car's title to a relative, transfer all your savings to a friend or somewhere she can't get ahold of them, and hire a lawyer.

 

You know where the relationship is headed to. It happened twice before, and it is happening, again, and she has even let you know about it.

 

What are you waiting for, are you waiting to have a nice dinner with her and her boyfriend?

 

Wake up and smell the cofee, its done.

[poke]

thought an update was in order.

 

we have been separated for a year now, and about to get divorced in a few weeks.

 

its only been in the last few months that I've been happy in life again, and things are starting to work out.

 

after we had been separated for a couple of months, she started telling me stuff like... I never really loved you, never really wanted to be with you... I'm happier with my new boyfriend than I ever was with you.

 

all in all she did a pretty good job of killing off any feelings I had for her. it sucked * * * * for a long time, but life does go on. its just a matter of remembering that when it all seems so bad.

[definitelynotme]

but how are you doing? do you feel stronger, better off now?

[poke]

I had been staying at a friends place until dec, and I had been struggling for alot of that time. Mid dec, I moved into my own house, and things have just gotten better ane better ever since.

 

I had a bit of a setback in the last few weeks. My grandfather died, and I had a very stressful 2 weeks there because I had to fly to the other side of the country, and there was alot of crap that had to be sorted out. While I was there, I did alot of thinking about my life and who and what was important to me. I came back home ready to tell a girl that I have been really close friends with that I wanted more with her, but.... the day I got back, she came and told me that she had met a guy she liked, and wanted to date him to see where it could go.

 

I was pretty much heartbroken at that point. I really love her, and I know she felt the same way about me, but we both didn't make anything of it because we thought it was too soon. She didn't know that I had been feeling like I wanted more, and as a consequence, she had thought there was no future.

 

She is now really confused, and is struggling to work out which direction she should go. The guy she likes is a top bloke, and I reckon they have as good a chance as anyone to make it work. But, I have been her friend now for 2 years, and particularly in the last 8 months, we spent just about all our time together, and consider each other best friends.

 

I dont know what is going to happen. I was really angry (mostly at myself) when I found out about this guy. She had not done anything with him at all, she came and told me right when she realised there was some feeling there, and he expressed a desire to be with her. I started to get very down about it, as I have no doubt in my mind that I want to be with her. It has been a week since I found out, and it took until yesterday for me to realise that I didn't want to be the sort of person that wallowed in my sadness anymore. I thought long and hard about the sort of person I wanted to be, and made the choice to be a happy person who is sad about something, not a person who is sad, and lets that define who they are. The change in perspective seems to be working out well so far.

 

I have told her how I feel about her, and that I want more than anything to be with her. She was pretty shocked, and is finding it difficult to process the whole lot. I'm just continuing to be her friend, but at the same time showing her how I feel about her. I hope it is enough to convince her to give us a shot. If not, I still have my best friend, but I know that the dynamics will change when she is with someone else. The intimacy changes, but hey... thats life... what can you do about it.

 

No matter what happens, I'm committed to being happy with my life, which is great in theory. Now to make it a reality.

[ghost69]

good job. stay out of her way. don't let her back in your heart.

[JEAB]

You have a lot of male perspectives on here. She doesn't have the emotional strength to say "I'm done", plus children are involved. She's been finding ways and excuses for things to be messed up- so someone else- YOU- will tell her its done. You actually told her what she needed to hear. I wish my husband would do me the courtesy of that.

[poke]

JEAB, you are correct. I did tell ex what she didn't have the strength to say herself. My ex wife is now very happy with her new boyfriend, and I am able to be friends with her in a healthy and constructive way. We can talk about her and her bf without it causing me the slightest bit of a problem, and I like that alot. She knows that I'm over her, and she has relaxed considerably since she realised that. Makes life soooo much easier without the tension.

 

As for the girl that I have been spending all my time with for the last 9 months, we wont be getting together. She loves me, and we are so close... but she has embarked on a journey with the new guy she has met. I will do my best to support her and love her as my best friend... and I hope it wont be too long before I'm feeling like "dating" someone again, although there is no hurry, I want to be healed and healthy before going down that track again.

 

I just enjoy the feeling of loving and being loved. I really miss it.

[Frangipani]

stay out of her way. don't let her back in your heart.

 

Whom are you referring to? The ex wife or the friend who became a lover? This girl was there for Poke during his hardest times, supporting him through every turn and down day he had in nearly 2 years. She was there - no matter what - as a friend. Just because she thought she had to move on and timing was bad doesn't mean he should 'stay out of her way.'

 

Sometimes I think the advice given on this board is way harsh and has the ability to destroy friendships too.

[ghost69]

Whom are you referring to? The ex wife or the friend who became a lover? This girl was there for Poke during his hardest times, supporting him through every turn and down day he had in nearly 2 years. She was there - no matter what - as a friend. Just because she thought she had to move on and timing was bad doesn't mean he should 'stay out of her way.'

 

Sometimes I think the advice given on this board is way harsh and has the ability to destroy friendships too.

 

the ex wife. how is that harsh?

[metalblade]

oh man, I feel your pain. I had a boyfriend who was the same way, he'd tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me, then I'd find out he was chatting up all these other girls, asking them out, telling them they were beautiful and even telling one of them he LOVES her!! (though he insists it's just as a friend)

I came to find out later on that he is having the same problem as your wife.. I am his 3rd girlfriend and, because he is inexperienced at the dating thing, I guess he wants a go at it. He wants to play the field.

I tell him I know about his feelings and I know that's what he wants (his friends are all players and he's never had much luck with women)

Now that he's on his own for the first time, he wants to have that "ladies man" single guy life. Even if it has cost him someone he supposedly loved.

I'm going thru this right now and I hope to be where you are soon.. healed and at least semi-happy. Right now I'm confused, in pain and it feels like it's never going to end. Your story does give me hope that I'll be ok eventually.. it will just take time. Trust, however will probably figure HUGELY in any future relationships.