Help me make sense out of this...

[Süsser Tod]

I've been with my GF for two weeks. The relationship has been good, though at the beginning it looked like she had some sort of commitment issues, as she would try to keep distance.

Talked to her about that, basically that it seemed like she didn't wanted to spend any time with me, and that seems to be over, I think we are spending a good amount of quality time together.

 

 

However I can't make sense out of her attitude torwards sex. She is a virgin, I'm not, and I respect her desicion not to have intercourse at the moment. That is fine with me...

 

But she is quite sexual, we have already had phone sex a couple of times, and that is not bad, what is bugging me is...

 

We have been kind of intimate several times now, farthest we've went is oral sex. Out of those five, only two times she has touched me, yes, not even touched my penis the other three times, out of those two, one she basically gave me a blowjob for like one minute, but without making me come, and the second time she went all the way.

 

Those two times, she had 3 and 4 orgasms, so we were playing for quite a bit of time, but only once she got me naked, and that was basically because I undressed myself, and that time we were at a hotel.

 

The other three were just me giving her oral sex and the game was over as soon as she came, one at her house, another one in the car (shame on me, I know) and, today, at my house, and I basically made her undress me before continuing with anything, but it didn't made a difference.

The day in the car I can understand, as we barely scaped without getting busted by the police, the other two we were alone.

 

Today, after she was done, she asked me to hug her and cried? She didn't wanted to tell me why. At some point she asked me to go all the way (intercourse), to which I refused as I didn't thought could be a good idea, you know, bad desicions can be made in the heat of the moment.

 

I know she gets really turned on knowing that I'm turned on. She said that she likes giving me oral sex, she even let me cum on her mouth that single time.

 

So what is wrong??? At this point I have several ideas in my mind, but I would like to read opinions from other people.

 

I tried to write all I could remember and thought would be relevant to the situation.

[xmrth]

Honestly, the thing that is sticking in my mind throughout the post is that you two have only been together for 2 weeks and that's a lot to go on in such little time. Have you just known eachother for a while beforehand?

Other than that it just seems like not enough emotional connections could be made and she probably feels very uncomfortable because of that. It's like everything's happening so fast for her-- too fast maybe. Even if at times she seems willing. She might feel like she has to or that it's not normal for her not to engage in that so soon.

[Dako]

2 weeks is pretty soon. Maybe you're too eager in her eyes.

She sees sex as a Big Deal and is nervous?

She's feeling pressured?

She's frightened by your clown tattoo?

 

Just some guesses.

[Süsser Tod]

Maybe I wasn't too clear, I try not to pressure her into anything. I let her do the first move, as she is the virgin and I don't want to lead me to the point she is comfortable. But I feel like she only cares about getting off, once she is satisfied, game over.

 

Also, on the foreplay, I'm lucky if she touches my neck, usually she will only caress my arms, and thats it.

 

And we dated for two months before becoming bf/gf/exclusive, or whatever you want to call it.

 

 

Anyway, I want any feedback, I'm not looking for reassurance, just insight on what I may be doing wrong, so I can try to think how to fix this.

 

I'll be having a talk with her about this soon, and won't let her initiate any more sex games until then. But I want any feedback possible before talking to her.

[itsallgrand]

A couple of things come to my mind as possibilities:

*she may be a selfish lover

*she may have been abused in the past and so has sexual issues that are surfacing as the two of you get close

*she may feel pressured to have sex, even though you say it's fine w/out, and so is attempting to comprimise

*she's a * * * * in closet

 

It's really tough to guess. It could be so many things!

good luck with the talk

 

p.s. The word that got edited: I was saying she may be gay

[Dako]

ST,

I didn't mean to imply you were pressuring her, but that she may feel pressured, maybe even from her own expectations.

Of course I don't know what it's like for a woman. I jumped in and swam the first time, probably awkwardly.

[Daddy Bear]

kudos for turning down her request for penetration when you thought it wasn't the right time yet. it takes a real man to do that.

 

it could be that she's reliving some bad memories, but more likely it's just that a girl is literally changed forever when she loses her virginity and she wants to be sure that you are The One. even in today's jaded world such romantic notions still exist, and i think that's great.

 

nah, Dako's right. it's the clown.

[CharLit]

Hiya,

 

Firstly, you should probably just talk to her outright about this: maybe not confront her and say she's doing something wrong, but maybe when you get intimate just indicate verbally what you'd like her to do, or without even forming it as a request, "I love it when...." - or have you tried that already?

 

Is it possible she's just inexperienced and scared of doing things wrong with you? Plenty of people post on here with exactly that worry and are afraid of touching their SO because of it...

 

I'm a little concerned about the crying though, in combination with the unwillingness to touch you, and maybe even in combination with her wish to remain a virgin (unless her reasons for that are religious) - it does sound as though she might have had a bad experience at least, or been abused at worst, it is somewhat suggested by this strange combination of wanting and pulling away from intimacy.

 

I'd say, go carefully with her, and hopefully she will either grow more confident and reciprocate, or open up and tell you what's wrong.

 

By the way, I also really admire your not having intercourse with her when she offered it!!

 

take care,

 

C

[Caterina]

I think you should wait before sleeping with her. She has some major feelings about sex that you don't share with her...and she might blame you if you end up sleeping together and that could end up damaging the relationship unnecessarily.

[Süsser Tod]

I don't really want to reply, want to avoid any influence to the replies I get from you, and I want them to be as impartial as possible.

 

However, as bad as this made me feel (I even woke up feeling uneasy about it), I'm not sure I should confront her about this. By confrontation I mean, having a talk and trying to get her to tell me what is wrong. Maybe it would be better just to slow down on the sex department and give her more time.

 

But I'm afraid that, if it is not the issue, and that if we don't talk about it, it won't be solved or get worse.

 

I know that the only one that will give me a straight answer of what is wrong, or why she won't touch me, is her. But I don't know if I should confront her or just give her more time.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmm well Id say it was just her being a virgin! Has she been with anyone else apart from you (to do foreplay etc with, not intercourse obviously) ? If she hasnt, she just might not have all the aspects of sexual stuff together yet (giving as well as receiving + open communication + foreplay etc) and thisll come with time.

 

I know it must be frustrating, but if I were you, Id give it a month or two with no pressure, and if shes behaving the same then, have a talk. Say that you feel you are making her feel uncomfortable and you care about her etc, so has she been honest about what she wants to do sexually?

 

There ARE always possible issues of abuse and homosexuality, but I think nervousness etc are more likely.

[Süsser Tod]

She only had 1 relationship a year and something ago. And she said that after that she "kinda got involved with a friend", what they did, don't know/care, never asked and I don't think I'll ever will, but I would bet that she had foreplay with them, not a problem with that.

 

Damn, it is really hard to reply without saying anything that could influence replies.

[Süsser Tod]

I think I've got my answer.

 

Thinking about her usual behaviour I believe that she may be selfish or self centered. Though, she usually notice that her behaviour makes me feel bad, but I don't think she understands why/how.

 

Well, I can forsee long talks with her in our future, or no future at all, it could have been worse, a lot worse.