Is there any hope for us?

[Blehhh]

I figured I might as well post this here, in case someone out there believes there might be hope and is willing to give some advice. *Please* tell me what you think.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 nights ago. I have known him for years and this was his first serious relationship. Things were always wonderful in this relationship and he treated me perfectly in every way up until the very end. I could not have asked for a better guy. For the first time ever in a relationship, I always felt comfortable and was truly happy. Also, he had brought up our future together at different points and was never afraid to have those conversations (even if we had different opinions). We never really fought and could spend long periods of time together without getting annoyed.

 

About two weeks ago we had a serious discussion that began b/c I had brought up the idea of us moving to a different area at some point in time (my hometown). While I had mentioned this several times, I always stressed that I just wanted to know he was open to the possibility. On this particular night, he was telling me his fam didn't like the idea and then also mentioned that he wasn't even sure "where things were going with us." This resulted in a night-long convo where he mentioned 1 or 2 concrete concerns (none of which seemed anywhere near unsurmountable). But he also was worrying about whether all guys wonder it "the grass might be greener." In the end, he ended up saying he just needed to get all this off his chest and felt much better about things now (of course I didn't). He said he needed the reminder of all the great things we have together and how silly some of his doubts were. Also, he said that I often get the brunt of his stress about where the rest of his life is going (work, family, friends, etc.) since I'm the only constant. And when he's unfulfilled in other parts of life, he tends to analyze everything.

 

While these things were definitely not forgotten, they weren't eating at me that much. This past weekend though, he just was not acting like himself. He just seemed out of it and a bit moody. I asked him what was going on and told him I didn't feel like he was being himself. Well, then everything came out. I could tell from the beginning that he had already made up his mind about what he needed to do. But I still held it together and tried to logically talk things out, asking him to work through this with me. But he just seemed to have given up. At first he just said that he wasn't feeling the spark anymore and hadn't been happy in the relationship for awhile. He said he had been trying and hoping things would improve. As I asked him to explain in more detail (to see if it was issues we could work through) he pointed to parts of my personality that are different from his and said those things were not appealing to him personally but he doesn't think I should change them b/c someone else will love them. In the end, he just said he didn't think it was meant to be and it was a decision he had to make and that was it.

 

Two days go by with me of course sobbing my eyes out and not able to eat, think straight or do anything else. Last night I got a VM from him calling to see how I'm feeling and to see if I want to get together to talk and "exchange some things." He says he understands if I want to keep to myself for awhile and I don't have to call but I should call if I want to get together. Keep in mind he's got nothing of value at my place and vice versa and he's not the type to be inconsiderate enough to care about that stuff either. My sister also forwarded me an email from yesterday where he says he really wishes things could have worked out between us and that time heals all wounds and family can help speed up the process. He basically asks her to be there for me. I know he also asked my roomies to be there for me and said he didn't mean to hurt me.

 

I wrote him a 2-liner saying that I didn't think it was a good idea to meet up now and that he could contact me later or I'll contact him when it's a better time. He wrote back saying that he understood, realizes he jumped the gun but wanted to apologize for all the things he said the other night that marginalized our relationship. HE said that I've meant so much to him over the last year and that he's thought so much about me over the past few days, shed more than a few tears and his heart aches knowing how much pain he caused me. He then goes on to compliment me and tell me how much I deserve to be happy. He says he hopes we can get past this and be friends some day because he would love for me to be part of my life. He ends by saying, "I love you."

 

Even though he focused on not having "that feeling" and our personality differences, I think/hope that a lot of external factors *might* have led to our breakup and am wondering if there's a chance he'll realize this and come back to me. This is his first serious relationship and I think that he still thinks he wants someone just like him. He's not feeling good about any other part of his life right now and was expecting me to fill all those other voids, not just the part of a gf. He might not be ready for something so serious (this freak-out came right at the same time I mentioned that I might want to live somewhere else).

 

Questions: What do you all think? Am I just making excuses for the fact that he really is not happy with me anymore? How can say he loves me and be so upset about the breakup, but still stand by his decision? What do I do to take care of myself and increase the chances of him coming back? I miss him a lot.

[trident]

Questions: What do you all think? Am I just making excuses for the fact that he really is not happy with me anymore? How can say he loves me and be so upset about the breakup, but still stand by his decision? What do I do to take care of myself and increase the chances of him coming back? I miss him a lot.

 

There are no easy answers to any of these questions. We all seek answers because absolutes are easier to deal with. "Yes" or "no" allows you to choose a definitive course of action vs. a "maybe" where you just have to gamble & accept the results.

 

Are you making excuses? I'd guess it's not so much that as trying to take "gray" events and place them either into a black or white category. You're looking for reasons that will justify his actions and which you will understand. perfectly normal.

 

How can he say one thing, but stick to his decision? People will often do what they think is right for themselves even if it conflicts with what their heart tells them. Logic over emotion. Doesn't mean they're right or wrong. It's just a choice. I've been hurt by someone I care about when she made such a choice. Although I don't agree with her decision, I understand and respect where she was coming from. Not much more you can do.

 

To take care of yourself, you need to find those elements that will make you feel happy about life. No easy answer there. To each his own.

 

As far as him coming back, that is entirely dependent on him. All you can do is choose how you behave if you encounter him - you can either be mean or cordial. You're choice. See where it leads

[annie24]

This sounds a lot like my breakup 6 weeks ago. My ex broke up with me and said pretty much the same thing. I don't know what to tell you. I guess if he isn't "feeling" it, then there's not much that can be done. You can't logically talk someone into "feeling it" for you if the feeling is lost.

 

I think that NC is on our side. (Not that I would even want him back at this point!!!) If they realize what they lost, they may come back. I've had an ex come back before, and it was after 3 years of NC. And by the time he came back, I was over him.

 

I don't know what to say, except logic sometimes has little to do with these decisions.

 

(((HUGS)))

[DN]

I often get sceptical when someone says a relationship was more or less perfect or wonderful up to the end. I doubt this was true for the person who leaves the relationship. Most often that partner has been questioning or unhappy for some time and was just able to mask those feelings.

[annie24]

very true DN. Just because the relationship was perfect for you doesn't mean that it was for them....

[itsallgrand]

I often get sceptical when someone says a relationship was more or less perfect or wonderful up to the end. I doubt this was true for the person who leaves the relationship. Most often that partner has been questioning or unhappy for some time and was just able to mask those feelings.

 

Thank You! This is what I was trying to say the LAST time Blehhh posted this same scenario.

 

Stop torturing yourself thinking about it and get out of the house, away from the computer, and with friends/family.

 

At this stage, you need to distract yourself with pleasant things until the super-intense feelings pass. Then you can attempt to analyze things.

[Blehhh]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

He did say that he has been questioning and unhappy for awhile now and masking that b/c he was still unsure and not wanting to hurt me. I should have said that it was perfect for me (and appeared perfect for him). I went out with co-workers after work today and actually enjoyed myself for awhile...until "our" favorite song started playing.

 

A few more questions: Is distraction definitely the way to go or do I need to work through these feelings? Also, did I make the right move by not agreeing to meet up with him last night when he wanted to talk to me? I'm afraid saying it was too soon might make me seem weak. I also wonder how it would affect him if I did see him and really held it together and seemed to understand where he's coming from, want to end it amicably. Could that help things?

[Beyondthesea]

I'm sorry to say that I don't think it would be a good idea to meet up with him even for a short while at this point. Maintain strict NC so that you begin to heal and stand on your own feet again.

 

You are stronger than you realize, and you will get through this. We're all here to listen too, whenever you need someone!

 

Focus on you right now.

[trident]

Is distraction definitely the way to go or do I need to work through these feelings? Also, did I make the right move by not agreeing to meet up with him last night when he wanted to talk to me? I'm afraid saying it was too soon might make me seem weak. I also wonder how it would affect him if I did see him and really held it together and seemed to understand where he's coming from, want to end it amicably.

 

The best thing to do is to focus on yourself. It's not to distract, but rather to stabilize yourself. Not to forget, but to remember without going to pieces.

 

Holding yourself together won't effect him as much as it will you. From experience, even if you still care for the person, you'll feel much better if you hold yourself together and take the high road vs. falling apart.