So called "Nice Guy" Syndrome

[tylercdurden2004]

also, women don't want jerks! but if a guy comes on too strong, then she will be turned off, no matter what.

 

here's an example of that. i met this guy, and was floored that he'd even speak to me. he seemed soo aloof and so james-dean-esque that i went crazy for him. however, he insisted on getting my number and started texting me like a madman later that night. he then proceeded to search out all of my internet things, such as facebook (when he didn't even have one) and livejournal, etc. i didn't think he was a "nice guy," i thought he was coming on way too strong!

 

so once i pulled away and i didn't hear from him.. i went crazy over him again, haha. we just need balance. i don't want to feel like i'm a man's pitiful and single prospect!!

 

WOW crazy. Hope you gave him a sharp comeback for his indescretions.

[heythere1234]

neolithic, That guy was acting creepy I don't blame you. I had a guy go to my home town and go to the little local bars asking people if they knew me!! And I never even dated him once! I guess he was just doing a little investigative work, such as trying to dig up gossip about me, REAL NICE, huh?

[tylercdurden2004]

Also I'll add something else: I've known soooo many guys who try to impress me with how "NICE" they are: they're nice to the checker girl, nice to the waitress, nice to the neighbor, etc. But I mean like Overly-nice, you know? Going way out of the way to do favors leave huge tips, etc. I don't like that c rap either. It's so phoney. I want a guy who's nice *TO ME* (not that he has to be rude to others..) Don't know who said it but "A Friend to All Is a Friend to None."

Yup, creepy like. I have a friend who is like that at times. If you are truly nice, you are nice to guys as much as girls, young as well as old, black as well as white......

[heythere1234]

Yes tyler thats true, it wouldn't be putting on a show. The guy that comes to mind did all that, he was obviously trying to impress me, but...

 

Sheesh we were on our way to a nice restaurant and a movie one night, and he screeched to a stop, backed up, and without a word ran over to some other woman who was stopped on the road to help her with her car, when he finally came back, he actually said: " So, do I get the citizen of the year award?" (or something pretty close to that!). You know what I said? "Well, you obviously think you deserve one". lol. Dumped him.

[monsieur]

I am nice to everyone, even to my own expense at times. And I do feel sorry for myself alot, and I do try to compensate by being even nicer. I get used alot, friendzoned by women that take advantage of me, etc. I know I am not brave and outgoing enough to get the woman that I want, and it eats away at my confidence. I will still be extremely nice, I don't have it in my personality at all to be an insulting ahole type, even a tiny bit. I will always finish last it seems.

 

To be hated and ridiculed for being so nice and thought of as pathetic is just the icing on the cake.

[arwen]

I'm a nice guy. I know I am. I get crapped on all the time. I get used. I always finish last. Women find me boring. I don't wish to add a bit more ahole to my repertoire to find this stupid balancing act you speak of.

 

Let me tell you one thing. If I meet a guy that has the same reasoning as you do, it is for THAT reason I am not attracted to him. That has little to do with 'niceness'. The reasoning is very negative, and somewhat self-pitying. It also suggests that the person has a negative view of himself. I think being attracted to someone correlates more with a certain kind of confidence, a kind of being at ease with who they are, whether that is a 'nice guy' or a 'not-nice guy'.

 

 

Ilse

[itsallgrand]

The 'nice guy' routine is not an actually nice guy.

He is a manipulator.

 

The 'James Dean' aloof guy is not actually a confident guy.

He is an insecure guy with a social personae.

 

This is so frustrating.

 

The worse thing is: a lot of these 'nice guys' and 'james dean' guys are actually decent people,all in all.

I've liked some.....but the manipulation is a problem. It is not becoming in a partner.

 

That is what sucks. You can like someone only to stop because of a behavior they have that is not healthy. And it is frustrating to meet, get to know, like, a person who does not meet your needs.

 

But such is life. Women and men all trying to figure out what the hell is going on!!

[heythere1234]

monsieur, you need to take control and not friendzone your self! OK? girls don't want guys who are their friends, not really. You know what male friends are? Our brothers, and we don't do nookie with our brothers, get it? You MUST be willing to take the chance and flirt a bit, but if you've tried a couple of times, and gotten no come-hither response, then HANG IT UP, and MOVE ON. NEXT! Don't friendzone yourself. Once you've made a friend of yourself, it's hard for her to see you as anything but.

[tylercdurden2004]

I am nice to everyone, even to my own expense at times. And I do feel sorry for myself alot, and I do try to compensate by being even nicer.

 

This is it man. Look at the biological standpoint, in fact it was mentioned in documentary on teh CBC the other night. Women need to be chosier in who they select as mates, because they get pregnant for 9 months. They need to know the partner they choose is strong enough to stand up for himself, because that translates into him standing up for the family. Suckholing only makes her think "what happens if his friend ask to borrow all our life saving" select any possible situation. This issue is these biological "desires" dont go away no matter how advanced we get. End of story how you act with her translates into how you will act with others. If you do everything she says cause your a nice guy, well when joe blow asks you to do everything he says you will too.

[heythere1234]

ilsa and itsallgrand,

 

I'm so with you. You know it is manipulative! Here's an example:

 

There's this large, fun, country club at the end of town, (You know, THAT place). Everyone has lots of fun because everyone's just danceing, and not that many games. There's this one guy, ok lookin', he stands right on the dance floor, about halfway up it, against the wall, by himself, and looks out at everone. never asks anyone to dance. (Seen him out there just like that many times..). He sent ANOTHER GUY over to ask my friend to dance, GET THIS... because "He's too shy". We all of us girls just bust up laughing, and also wanted to puke. She said well tell him if he's to shy to ask, then he's not man enough for me! lol. So anyway, it was soooo obvious that he was being manipulative, like, oh, I'm sooo shyyy! Give us all a break, he didn't LOOK shy! And even if he really were that's just soooo pathetic.

[monsieur]

the sending someone over to ask part may have just been his 'friends' screwing around

 

he may truly have been really shy

 

is that so pathetic and laughable as you are so quick to think??

[heythere1234]

"Suckholing only makes her think "what happens if his friend ask to borrow all our life saving" select any possible situation."

 

Tyler- that is just like that quote I said earlier, (don't know who originally said it?) "A Friend to All Is a Friend to None."

[heythere1234]

No, he was not truley shy, I'm not blind. and he was standing there google-eyeing my friend, he wanted to dance with her.

[monsieur]

and don't mind me, I know I am boring and pathetic and my resulting self consciousness and poor self worth add to the problem..... It is even worse in the fact that I am good looking enough that women often ask me out, but I lose them after a date or two by my complete lack of bravery, subtleness, tendency to beat around the bush, and my nervousness and fear of rejection.

 

I realize I try to make up for my many shortcomings by being extra nice, but I see that that is just one more strike against an already struck out person.

[monsieur]

No, he was not truley shy, I'm not blind. and he was standing there google-eyeing my friend, he wanted to dance with her.

 

 

I'm extremely shy and yet I might look at a girl wanting badly to dance with her, but I have never ever been able to work up the bravery to actually go up to a stranger and talk to her or ask her to dance..... maybe the guy you are talking about was faking it, but I know I might stand there in a bar against a wall wishing I was more outgoing and go home sad every time so don't assume we aren't shy... because in reality we may be cripplingly shy.

[itsallgrand]

monsier, do you have any female friends?

And by friends I mean truly only friends - no interest or hope of anything else. A friend like anyone else.

 

They can be truly great for pointing the way. I know my male friends help me a lot to get the 'male perspective'.

 

cheers

[monsieur]

thanks for the advice, but I have really found that women give the worst advice on women, I don't think they are honest to themselves about what they really want in a guy

 

I have a really good friend that is a woman actually, I am currently friendzoned by her but I am head over heels in love with her but she says there is no spark, and that is killing me inside because I know that she started out thinking I was really cute but I bored her and was 'too nice' and all that stuff that has resulted in her thinking of me as a friend only or brother type.... it is one of my greatest failures in my life and it rips my insides out all day, right now I have a terrible knot in my stomach when I think of her.

 

And sorry people for me ruining your thread, I should keep my patheticness to myself, or in it's own thread on hopeless people.

[heythere1234]

I think you're in deep denial, and you make waaay too many excuses. It really doesn't sound like you're a lot of fun to be around. Sorry.

[heythere1234]

Well, monsuer us women who are talking to you on this thread are being pretty honest with you, and I truly think it would be to your benefit to face some things.

[itsallgrand]

monsier,

Ahem! lol. No, a woman friend who YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE WITH, INTERESTED IN, FRIENDZONED, ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

 

Okay all done. Just wanted to be sure I was clear.

 

Simply a suggestion.

[monsieur]

I agree that I am not fun and tend to be boring, that adds to my lack of self confidence.

 

Not sure what I am in denial of, I am the first one to admit and I know that it is my nervousness, shyness, lack of confident personality that is my downfall.

 

sorry to be in this thread, it just touched a nerve when I know that I try to compensate by being really nice and then read on here that nice guys are scum.... as if I don't have enough problems to worry about

[heythere1234]

Well if you read what I wrote you before, she didn't friendize you. You most likely did it to yourself. It's too late. You've blown it. And you MUST move on. Hanging around some other girl like a desperate puppy is not exactly going to make you a chick magnet to any other women. look back, take the advice I've given. And leave that poor girl alone, for your sake as well as hers!

[monsieur]

ok, sorry to generalize, I appreciate your input as a woman, I was wrong to say that women don't know what they want, I know that they don't want my personality type, that I have learned the hard way through failure

[heythere1234]

Now I'm starting to think you can't possibly be for real. You have a defeatist's attitude, and if you wont pick yourself up then you have no one to blame but you!

[tylercdurden2004]

Well, monsuer us women who are talking to you on this thread are being pretty honest with you, and I truly think it would be to your benefit to face some things.

 

True this might be the most honest i have seen any woman!