URGENT: He just called me.

[Blehhh]

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 nights ago. I have known him for years and this was his first serious relationship. Things were always wonderful in this relationship and he treated me perfectly in every way up until the very end. I could not have asked for a better guy. For the first time ever in a relationship, I always felt comfortable and was truly happy. Also, he had brought up our future together at different points and was never afraid to have those conversations (even if we had different opinions). We never had a fight and could spend long periods of time together without getting annoyed.

 

About two weeks ago we had a serious discussion that began b/c I had brought up the idea of us moving to a different area at some point in time (my hometown). While I had mentioned this several times, I always stressed that I just wanted to know he was open to the possibility. On this particular night, he was telling me his fam didn't like the idea and then also mentioned that he wasn't even sure "where things were going with us." This resulted in a night-long convo where he mentioned 1 or 2 concrete concerns (none of which seemed anywhere near unsurmountable). But he also was worrying about whether all guys wonder it "the grass might be greener." In the end, he ended up saying he just needed to get all this off his chest and felt much better about things now (of course I didn't). He said he needed the reminder of all the great things we have together and how silly some of his doubts were. Also, he said that I often get the brunt of his stress about where the rest of his life is going (work, family, friends, etc.) since I'm the only constant. And when he's unfulfilled in other parts of life, he tends to analyze everything.

 

So we continued dating and, while these things were definitely not forgotten, they weren't eating at me that much. This past weekend though, he just was not acting like himself. He just seemed out of it and a bit moody. I asked him what was going on and told him I didn't feel like he was being himself. Well, then everything came out. I could tell from the beginning that he had already made up his mind about what he needed to do. But I still held it togehter and tried to logically talk things out, asking him to work through this with me. But he just seemed to have given up. At first he just said that he wasn't feeling the spark anymore and hadn't been happy in the relationship for awhile. He said he had been trying and hoping things would improve. As I asked him to explain in more detail (to see if it was issues we could work through) he pointed to parts of my personality that are different from his and said those things were not appealing to him personally but he doesn't think I should change them b/c someone else will love them. In the end, he just said he didn't think it was meant to be and it was a decision he had to make and that was it.

 

Two days go by with me of course sobbing my eyes out and not able to eat, think straight or do anything else. Today I get a VM from him calling to see how I'm feeling and to see if I want to get together to talk and "exchange some things." He says he understands if I want to keep to myself for awhile and I don't have to call but I should call if I want to get together. Keep in mind he's got nothing of value at my place and vice versa and he's not the type to be inconsiderate enough to care about that stuff either. My sister also forwarded me an email from yesterday where he says he really wishes things could have worked out between us and that time heals all wounds and family can help speed up the process. He basically asks her to be there for me. I know he also asked my roomies to be there for me and said he didn't mean to hurt me. All of this is considerate but also leads me to believe he really thought things through and isn't going to change his stance.

 

Questions: What does he want? What do I do? I miss him a lot.

[itsallgrand]

How about.....get angry?!

 

Do you actually find it 'considerate' of him to be calling you and everyone you are close to 'to check if you're okay' after HE broke up with YOU?!

 

Maybe you do. For arguments sake, I'll tell you my perspective:

It is NOT considerate to be around, call, or otherwise 'hang' around someone whose heart you have broken. In fact, it is selfish. It isn't easy staying away from someone you care about - whether you be the dumper or dumpee. But time away to lick your wounds is CRUCIAL. You need to be able to process what he has said without worrying about him right now.

 

After you break up with someone, you do not get the luxury of knowing how they are, where they are, etc. No way. You give that up when you say "It's over".

 

Another point of view: in 2 years the two of you never fought?! That seems odd to me. All people argue. Passions rise, adrenaline rushes, and negative feelings and doubts are dealt with. The difference between healthy/unhealthy is in how it is resolved and consistency of respect. Never fighting is NOT a badge of a winning relationship.

 

All that said, perhaps it was just time for the relationship to end. Many lovely furfilling relationships are not life-long or nearly as long as we'd like.

I don't know.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I truly do feel that you need to establish some space from him for at least a while......to figure out where you are and to get over this hurt.

 

Best wishes.

[justlookin]

[/php]That seems odd to me. All people argue. Passions rise, adrenaline rushes, and negative feelings and doubts are dealt with. The difference between healthy/unhealthy is in how it is resolved and consistency of respect. Never fighting is NOT a badge of a winning relationship.

 

All that said, perhaps it was just time for the relationship to end. Many lovely furfilling relationships are not life-long or nearly as long as we'd like.

I don't know.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I truly do feel that you need to establish some space from him for at least a while......to figure out where you are and to get over this hurt.

 

Best wishes.

Two yrs is a long time to just throw away in two days.I think that time is your best allie,especially since you two are not used to argueing.I think that he really cares for you,by making sure you are not alone.Maybe you two just need a short break from each other.

[Blehhh]

We had dated for 10 months, not 2 years. I've known him as a friend for a couple of years though. When we were talking the other night I did suggest taking a break and not seeing each other for a little while. He didn't think that would solve it and said he really needed to make a decision. I know he is trying to make sure I'm okay, especially since he knows all the gory details of a previous break-up I had and how much it hurt me. I trust that he truly wants to know I'm okay, but I am quite surprised he called this early. And yes, in a way it does seem selfish. I'm sure he's missing me, but if he doesn't have anything meaningful to say, I don't see what good talking will do.

[Blehhh]

As far as us not fighting...of course we had discussions about things we disagreed over...but they were never really about each other. In fact, everything he said until the last 2 weeks led me to believe he was also very confident in the future of the relationship. What disturbed me in the end is that he didn't bring his concerns to me as issues to discuss. Rather, he had already made the decision and didn't seem to think it was resolvable. I told him that was frustrating to me. He loves banter but I don't think he enjoys real conflicts, especially with me, because he knows I take stuff to heart. I think he held off a bit b/c he was afraid of hurting me so badly...which again, makes me really fearful about the odds of us working it out.

[itsallgrand]

Ohh...pssstt!!

 

Like I said. Healthy arguing=good. Conflict between two separate people in a relationship is unavoidable and needs to be dealt with. Seems you two may have 'avoided' that up until now.

 

There's still hope, of course! But he called a 'break off' and he needs to give you some time to digest that hurt.

 

It is immature to avoid conflict because 'you don't want to hurt the persons feelings'. Feelings get hurt. It's part of life and relationships. It's how you approach it and resolve things that matter. And you guys are having a communication breakdown.

 

Reflect. This could be a great chance for the two of you to work through this and carry on stronger than ever. Or it could be an ending. It is still unknown.

 

I know I'm a bit blunt: please do not take it personally. It doesn't hurt to hear an outside perspective you may not be used to.

 

Take care.

[Scotcha]

What disturbed me in the end is that he didn't bring his concerns to me as issues to discuss. Rather, he had already made the decision and didn't seem to think it was resolvable. I told him that was frustrating to me.

 

I'm very sorry that you're going through this right now. I know how painful a 10 month relationship ending can be. It is long enough to fall in love and develope hopes and dreams.

 

I know you're frustrated that he was/is unwilling to really discuss the issues concerning your break up with you. But: He has told you how he feels. His feelings can't be changed by conversations or with logic. It doesn't work that way. You cannot convice him to feel differently or feel the same as you do and so he is right, it is not resolvable.

[Blehhh]

Thanks for the responses. I just feel like it is hopeless. I wrote him an email saying I didn't think it was a good idea for us to meet up now but he could get in touch later or I'll contact him when I think it's a better time. He wrote me back and said that he understands I need my space and knows he jumped the gun by trying to see me so soon. He just wanted to apologize for some of the things he said the other night and tell me how much I've meant to him the last year. He feels like he marginalized things the other night. Also said that he's thought a lot about me, cried a lot, and his heart aches over the pain he's caused me. He said I'm a beautiful person who deserves to be so happy. He hopes we can both get past this and be friends some day...would love for me to be part of his life. He ends with "I love you."

 

What does this mean? Is it as hopeless as I'm thinking? It just sounds like he really believes in his choice and is trying to minimize the fallout and hurt to me. Is he just crying about having hurt me?? I don't understand how he could think this is a good decision if it makes us both so upset. This is just unbearable.

[Blehhh]

Also, if he's not feeling like it was a mistake right now, does that mean he never will?? Is there still any hope for us?

[Scotcha]

I am not a big fan of hope with break-ups. I've done it myself it it always keeps you from moving forward and fully healing.

 

Just because he broke up with you doesn't mean he has stopped caring for you. It means he believes that a relationship between the two of you, for whatever reason, will not work.

 

My opinion is that he is being genuine to you regarding his feelings but perhaps does not realize that he is acting somewhat selfish at the moment. Just because telling you how he feels makes HIM feel better doesn't mean that it makes YOU feel better. I think that your decision for NC was the right one.

[Blehhh]

I just don't see how he/we could go from loving each other so much and sharing everything to having no hope for the future. Is there no hope that he'll realize what we had in the future? I just don't know what made him suddenly feel this way. He says he had been thinking about it for awhile, but he was still so good to me. Why couldn't he just try to work things out?

[Scotcha]

His decision didn't happen all of a sudden even though that's how it can seem from the other side. He had his first discussion with you over two weeks ago and I think it's safe to assume that he was thinking about it even before he brought it up with you.

 

I can't tell you if there is hope or not, I don't even think he can. I just don't believe it is in anyone's best interest to hold out and hold on waiting for someone else to change their mind. That just seems so stagnant and ultimately depressing.

 

He can't realize what the two of you had in the future because it never happened. I'm so sorry. I know for myself that often it is the hardest for me to let go of the hopes and dreams that I had.

 

Even though he was thinking about leaving you he was still good to you. From what you write he seems to be a very kind, caring, and honest individual. Sometimes due to a breakup people have a negative experience to learn from. And sometimes people have a positive experience to learn from. I know it doesn't make the pain any less though.

[Blehhh]

Thanks Scotcha. Any more thoughts from anyone out there? I just feel so alone and sick today. I still have absolutely no appetite or energy (probably associated problems).

[Belle]

You need to eat. Drink protein shakes and or milk shakes if that's all you can manage but you need to get energy. Once you do the protein shakes, you need to exercise. These are all cliche on this site but you have to try to keep seratonin levels up to combat depression. I went through a really rough break up a couple of years ago and i did nothing but waste away and cry a lot. This time it's a healthier break up and I'm eating (I still have an appetite) and I force myself to exercise even though I don't feel like it.

 

You will get through this. Please try not to think about getting him back. He's made up his mind and the quicker you accept it and move on, the better off you will be in the long run.