I dont know how to forgive her

[dnl940]

My g/f and I recently broke up again- her choice, and I'm actually okay with us not being together, but she is 4 months pregnant with my baby and she said some things that are to me just totally unforgivable. I am so angry with her, and I don't want to be. How do I forgive her for the things that she said?

[PRSOV]

what are the things that are so 'unforgivable'?

[Tigris]

I was justs going to ask that.

[dnl940]

She and I had a pretty rocky relationship for 9months. Both of us recently divorced in past year. She said some things about the children that I have now, and also said she wished she had gotten an abortion because she can't bear to have my child.

[shyanne]

at this point, it doesn't matter if you can forgive her.. now she is having your child. you need to be the best dad you can and worry about only the child, not her.. if you see she can't handle the child or is mistreating the child, it's up to you to decide what to do.. meaning, take custody or find a good home for your child through the courts.

[Tigris]

When the child is born if she still feels the same go to the courts and get full parental control or whatever it's called?

 

Good luck

[dnl940]

I want to be able to forgive her so that we can both focus on being the best parents for this child. I am so angry with her right now, and obviously she is very angry with me also. She would never mistreat the baby, and she would most definitely be able to handle taking care of the baby. I want to be able to eventually have a relationship with her that would allow the both of us to communicate our desire to provide the best for our child.

[dnl940]

I do love this woman very much. And though we are having n/c, I would like to think that if a reconciliation could happen in the future, that I would be able to do that. I'm just not sure that I wouldn't hold something like this over her. I find myself feeling very sorry for her right now, and then very angry that she would say such things. And I'm not sure if my desire to have a relationship with her in the future is based on love or if it's because she is pregnant with my child. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[Scotcha]

I got back with an ex because we had a child together. We even got married and everything. It was the biggest mistake of my life to put it simply.. A child is no reason for a relationship and honestly, it's an unfair reason to everyone involved. The only thing I got out of it is the ability to say I tried.

[KweenofDenyl]

It sounds to me like you could benefit from seeing a counselor together and if not together, maybe by yourself. It might help you work through your anger at her choice of words and might even help clear up why she would say those hurtful things...is this something you would consider?

[dnl940]

Yes, I have going through a really down time lately, and I contacted my doctor a couple of days ago... i go to see her tomorrow, and I contacted my insurance company because they offer a counseling program. And she basically said these things during an argument that had a lot to do with the way I've been feeling. She doesn't understand why I just can't snap out of it and quit being depressed. She was extremely unsympathetic to what I have been feeling, and we got into in argument about that.

[KweenofDenyl]

Yes, I have going through a really down time lately, and I contacted my doctor a couple of days ago... i go to see her tomorrow, and I contacted my insurance company because they offer a counseling program. And she basically said these things during an argument that had a lot to do with the way I've been feeling. She doesn't understand why I just can't snap out of it and quit being depressed. She was extremely unsympathetic to what I have been feeling, and we got into in argument about that.

 

I'm glad to hear you are seeking help for your depression. It's something I've struggled with as well and I know how frustrating it is when others don't understand what it's like--and that it's not a "decision" you make to BE depressed! Lord almighty, it's not as if we WANT to be depressed!

 

She could use some education about mental illness and specifically depression- it might help and it can't hurt

 

I do hope this works out for you and keep us posted!

[dnl940]

Okay so she left me a voicemail today, wanting to know how I was doing. When I heard that I was just so disgusted. I really don't think she cares how I'm doing, I think she just wants to know if I'm mad at her for the things she said, so she can make herself feel better. I am so angry that she called. I just want her to leave me alone, but I'm afraid that I'll call her back just to show her that "I'm okay" and I'll end up losing it, or getting really angry at her. Why can't she just leave me alone?

[dnl940]

This morning she left another voicemail. She was angry that I didn't call her back. I could hear the anger in her voice. And it made me angry. Luckily I've got some things to do today to keep me busy, but I'm afraid that I will call her tonight when I'm sitting around by myself.

[DN]

Just make a decision not to call. Anytime you think you are weakening go do something else instead.

[dnl940]

Well she sent me an email an hour ago apologizing for the things that she said. She also said she didn't think we should have much contact right now. But then asked my opinion on a name for our baby, and wanted to know how to play a cd in her computer. I don't know if I should contact her or not. It's been 4 days with no contact from me. She has left a couple of voicemails and now this email. Should I contact her?

[DN]

Yes- she has had your baby and you need to be a father to it. If you don't contact her how can you do that?

[dnl940]

The baby is not due for another 5 months. She doesn't have another doctor appointment for 2 more weeks. There was nothing urgent in the email or on the voicemails. I feel like I should just not contact for now, but I'm afraid that she is just going to get angry if I don't. I'm also afraid that if I do contact her she is going to start apologizing and wanting me to tell her that everything is okay. It is not. She said things that I just don't think I can ever forgive. I am beginning to get over my anger, but I just don't know about having any contact with her yet.

[dnl940]

Well I haven't contacted her yet, but I'm starting to think maybe I should. She obviously wants to talk, but is using a couple of benign topics like baby names and computer problems to get me to contact her. What do you guys think? Should I contact her?

[dnl940]

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I was sitting out on my front porch, perusing through some of the threads on this website, still extremely confused as to whether I should contact my ex or not. Then up walks this woman and her daughter, and says she is moving into the apartment next door to me and wanted to introduce herself. So her daughter and mine started to play, and she sits down. She is recently divorced. We sat there for like an hour discussing stuff. It was like having all of you right here on my front porch. It's great to know that right next door to me is gonna be a new friend to help me get through my rough times, and I can help her get through her rough times. As I said, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

[dnl940]

Okay so big mistake. I was feeling pretty good about myself so I decided to contact her. Was gonna make it quick and to the point concerning the email that she sent me. But instead she drew me into an argument. Now I feel even worse than I did a few days ago when we had our last blow out and broke up. Why did I contact her? I should have just let it go. I feel incredibly low and even more depressed than I did before.

[dnl940]

Today has been really rough. My kids are on spring break this week so I've had them with me all week and will have them this weekend. The really adore my ex g/f and keep asking if she is going to come down for Easter. I have told them many times that she will not be coming, and then they ask why. I tell them that she and I are both really busy right now and are unable to get together. I feel horrible. My kids just came out of our divorce in the last year, and I can't stand the fact that they became very attached to my ex g/f and that I'll eventually have to tell them that she and I aren't going to be together either. Not to mention that they were all very excited about having a new baby brother, which they will still have, but just not in the way that we had talked about. I just feel terrible. Not only do I really miss her, but knowing that my kids do too makes it even worse. I really don't think that she and I will get back together, but you never know. So should I wait to tell the kids just in case something does happen between us, or should I break it to them now?

[kadvati79]

Not having kids, im not sure if my advice applies. But I told people straight away about my breakup. I was very matter of fact, didn't use any euphemisms, I would tell people straight out that my ex dumped me but there aren't major hard feelings.

 

I think if you delay telling it is much harder, plus once people know they stop asking and your healing can start.