PRESSURE: pursuing a very attractive woman

[monsieur]

I can't help myself, I am very attracted to a girl, yet the fact that she is so attractive means that she is always getting attention from males, and my problem is that I can't internally handle the pressure and stress of the fact that there is competition. I worry all the time and probably come accross as weak, needy, unconfident, all those things as it eats away at me inside all the time that the possiblity of competition is out there.

 

It would probably be much safer on my psyche and ego if I was not to even try.

 

How do you guys cope with the mental pressure and stress that goes along with jealousy and worry about competition? It's eating me up inside.

 

In the past I've often picked girls that were not extremely attractive but also social misfits that avoided social settings and had no friends.... that worked to keep me less stressed but it seems like a bad way to solve the problem.

[Lily04]

woah. You probably have General Anxiety Disorder. Look it up... there's no need to be that stressed about something like this. Either that or society anxiety, or even not a disorder but just waaaay low self-esteem. I'm generally considered attractive (I used to model & my cousin models for Gucci) and although we have guys hitting on us... I honestly had low self-esteem up until just last year and still sorta obsess about my weight. I'm sure she has some insecurities too. No one's perfect. Just be yourself. You first need to have confidence in yourself though...

[monsieur]

I worry about that. When she told me that a guy helped her find a class the other day in an email I instantly felt a sick feeling in my gut that was extreme. It was scary. I reread the email a dozen times trying to decipher if I should have been concerned or not, the words were innocent, but I just felt so stressed and terrible and worried and jealous about it. Of course I would never tell her that, as I would look like an idiot, but that is how it felt in the pit of my stomach.

[heavensent]

Hmmm, I had this problem and I still do a little bit. Although I consider myself to be very pretty, I also married a man who is very attractive. Everyone used to compliment us on how we are such a gorgeous attractive couple..even strangers at restaurants. I sometime still get down on myself and think that he's so good looking he could get a girl better looking then me. It used to worry me that someday if he found someone better he would leave me. I had anxiety problems due to a lot of factors so I am taking Lexapro now which has helped me a lot with my worrying. Maybe you should see a doctor about it. That really helped me.

[monsieur]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have really resisted the pill thing, I feel it is a start down a slippery slope, but maybe I need to think about it. I know my internal struggles are probably unhealthy as stress is a killer, and I go through every day worrying about relationship things. I am very happy when she shows me any attention or emails me, but crash to the lows the instant I percieve that she is not showing me attention and doesn't really care as much as I do. It is killing me.

[heavensent]

Well if you don't want to take pills you definitley need to see a psychiatrist becuase it doesn't get any better. Any of us can give you advice and tell you to stop worrying but it's NOT THAT EASY. It's something from within yourself that takes control of your feelings and it almost turns into obsessive-compulsive thinking. It's NOT healthy and it's NOT normal. I have had these thoughts and feelings and struggled with this for a long time...it just gets worse unless you do something about it. I was against pills as well, i thought they would turn me into an emotionless-zombie and that I'd be dependent on them. Truth is, they make me feel great..they make me feel like MYSELF again. I do not have a dependency on them and once I have taken them for the amount of time my doctor has prescribed (6 months) I plan to discontinue them and live my life the way that I want to live it..WITHOUT WORRY! It's all up to you, but it's an option you might consider taking.

[Lily04]

You should see a psychologist/counsellor about it... I'm not big for pills either, they generally just give you a short-term solution, but if you want to learn to deal with it in the long run you can't be dependent on them all your life.

 

I have a lot of anxiety as well, and try to put it in perspective... that tends to help. I would write more but am really tired and should be doing school now...

 

Heavensent, are you the girl in your avatar? you are pretty =)

[monsieur]

thanks for the thoughts

 

I always wondered what a psychiatrist could really achieve though, is it really that important to have someone tell you how to think or ask the right questions? I guess I'm skeptical. Maybe I hope that the answers to emotional struggles are within us, and if we struggle long enough inside ourselves that we may win eventually.

 

Lily if you want to write more please come back later and tell me more, I appreciate it

[MetalGuitar]

When we have problems, it's EXTREMELY important to ask others about things.

 

Counselors are helpful because they're an unbiased third party who see's your situation from the 'outside' instead of having a dilluted opinion as you would have from being on the 'inside' of the situation.

 

All of this pent up anxiety will not be too good for you. I suggest that you follow the above advice and seek out help.

 

We're with you!

[monsieur]

It's kind of a catch-22....... you don't want to live your life ruled by fear, but by jumping into fearful situations you are raising your stress levels which is not healthy either.

 

The easiest solution would be to avoid dating altogether, that would remove a large amount of stress, but that would be accepting defeat and allowing fear to win.

 

and perhaps this forum is nearly as helpful as an actual counsellor for alot of things

[sweetheart230]

I see a conselor and it is actually really really beneficial b/c its nice to get one on one time with someone who is usually objective.

 

Advice on approaching an extremely attractive woman? Act like she's just any woman. Psyche yourself out to really really believe that she's just one of those "not very attractive social misfits", because, inside, she really is the same. She might be the most gorgeous woman in the world, but in reality, she's no better than anyone else. The sooner you learn that you don't NEED a woman to be happy, the sooner you stop wanting any chick who doesn't want you... and the easier it becomes to approach/meet/date them b/c you're not intimidated by them and you don't care if they like you or not (cause you realize if they don't like you, they're not right for you anyway).

 

honestly, i don't think you need pills, although i would get a doctor's advice if you think you might. i think you just need an attitude adjustment. if you're intimidated by girls, they are going to run away from you. if you're not, girls will dig you.

[heavensent]

Lily...Yes, my picture in the avatar is indeed me! Thank you very much! I also have one in my profile of my husband and I!

 

Monsieur...

NO you don't just give in and avoid dating! What good is that? That's just living your life in fear..what's life without taking chances and enjoying new experiences whether they be good or bad. It only makes us STRONGER.. This forum is helpful for advice, I love it..but it's not a psychiatrist, we don't have a PHD..we can give you ADVICE but we can't diagnose you, nor can we get to the root of your problem. Chances are it may be something that happened to you when you were a child, it usually is. I have seen a hypnotherapist and it's amazing the things you find out that truly scarred you that you never realized did before. I really think you should seek help. Don't give in to this feeling of being inferior or having anxiety..you should control it, don't let it control you!!

[sweetheart230]

It's kind of a catch-22....... you don't want to live your life ruled by fear, but by jumping into fearful situations you are raising your stress levels which is not healthy either.

 

The easiest solution would be to avoid dating altogether, that would remove a large amount of stress, but that would be accepting defeat and allowing fear to win.

 

no offense or anything, but you're taking things way too seroiusly. "fearful situations" that "raise your stress levels"? Dating is supposed to be fun, not stressful and fearful. Maybe that's your problem... being terrified of meeting/approaching/pursuing women. It's just a game, its fun, its not supposed to be overly serious until later on in the relationship. You're sucking the fun out of something that is essentially supposed to be enjoyable. It's not all that scary when you're just out to enjoy yourself and enjoy women.

 

Perhaps this is your problem. You're scared and fearful. Its pretty damn hard to be charming and clever and flattering when you're too busy wondering if the chick likes you or not. Maybe just concentrate on getting to know her instead of being so preoccupied with the fact that she's "extremely attractive". It's impossible to click with someone when you're so self conscious you're not even paying attention to them.

[monsieur]

sweetheart: you hit the nail on the head exactly

 

your sentence: "Its pretty damn hard to be charming and clever and flattering when you're too busy wondering if the chick likes you or not" sums me up perfectly

 

I am always judging myself way more than the person I am with, in my mind I am the unworthy one that must work to be accepted by the other person, I almost never judge the other person at all, even if they have bad traits... I am 1000 times harder on myself than on the person I want to be with

[Lily04]

Heavensent: Just wanted to say that you & your husband are indeed a very attractive couple! You guys look like you could be on a reality show or something, hehe. Very cute. =) You shouldn't worry about whether you're attractive enough for him, because you clearly are... I'm sure you get hit on a lot too, even with the ring.

 

And Monsieur, I think you need to come to the root of your problem -- that is, WHY are you so insecure about yourself? What is causing this great anxiety? Was it something that happened in your past, a combination of things, the way you were treated by girls previously? I remember being very shy in my youth, and a bit overweight, and that perception of myself carried with me throughout high school. Even when I became a competitive swimmer and lost a lot of weight, was probably below average weight for some time, I still always thought I was overweight. Sometimes regardless of reality, it's the perception of us that carries... and I'm just worried that might be happening with you. You have to get it addressed before this fear carries with you too long. How old are you now? I'd imagine still in high school, so you still have time to mature & build confidence...

 

Maybe join some sports, or whatever is of interest to you to build some confidence. If you like drama, join a play, or writing, some sort of group for that... I think you need to learn to interact with different types of people perhaps. You'll soon find that attractive people aren't a different species to be afraid of, they're totally normal as well. And I'm often less intimidated by them actually because a lot don't appear that bright & I feel a bit more confident since I'm more intelligent than them... you have to figure out what your best qualities are, and be proud of them. That is what worked for me... I took pride in my intelligence, and never really cared about looks in fact, until I came to university, and then started wearing makeup, etc... it took me a while and I just learned myself. But seeing a counsellor may work for you, or joining sports/clubs, and writing a list of your best qualities may help in the short term. Also ask friends what they think the best things about you are, your most dominant personality traits... although this may be more of a girl thing to do I dunno, but I like seeing how others perceive me my positive traits as well.

 

Take care,

 

Lily

[monsieur]

I hate to say it but I'm in my late 20's, I've had 4 or 5 long term relationships too, so it is not like it is a lack of experience, but like I said looking back I tended to go with girls that were very antisocial as it seemed to work better at the time, I needed to be with someone that was very clingy and not at all a threat to my confidence..... unfortunately they had some very bad other qualities to go along with it.

 

I did have feelings like this all through school as well, lack of confidence and overjudging myself.... I'm actually no where near as bad as I used to be, but I still can revert instantly into feelings of self-unworthiness. The really strange thing is that I know I am above average in attractiveness as I get looks and even approached by women often, but I know I am below average in confidence and personality, I get nervous and stiff when I like someone and I know that, so it compounds on itself and I know that I am not that charming, so that hurts my confidence too, so I panic and feel like I have to make up for my lack of being charming, and it just ends up a mess.

[Jjasonn28]

My ex girlfriend is very attractive as well. But knowing that she loved me was enough. Trust and self esteem are huge issues here. Now Im not the greatest looking guy by any means, but I am happy with myself. Couple that with trust and true respect for my partner.. and there is no need to be jealous.

 

I would infact get a kick out of the different stories she would share about some guy trying to pick her up. Id just think to myself, "yup! my girl's a hottie!"

 

And in a small way, It would reafirm my appreciation for her.

[Lily04]

Hey Monsieur...

 

I know how it feels. I used to be insecure & somewhat anti-social as well... didn't like being around most people. But honestly, having confidence really does change your perspective and it's amazing how much happier it can make you... you just have to learn how to do it for yourself. FORCE yourself to do things you wouldn't have done, push boundaries. If you say you're anti-social, then go join a club. I won't say totally face-on address your fear & go to clubs/parties every night for social interaction, even I find them sometimes draining.. but joining a club you like, like the photography club or... debate team or something may just help you make friends...

 

Ultimately though this is a decision you will have to make. You know what the problem is. Figure out what it will take to do to solve it. Write a list. Or if you need help, get a friend enlisted to help you set goals and what to do to meet them. We're here for you as well...

 

In my last 2 years of high school, I just went all out. I used to be really shy, but I decided to beat it, and:

 

- joined the swim team

- became president of the environmental club

- became marketing director of another business club

- joined the x-country team (although wasn't really a regular on this, lack of time)

- joined the debate team for a bit

- started projects on Amnesty International that I was interested in. I was really into helping solve poverty at the time (in grade 11 I think) so I talked with a local women's shelter and set up a local Christmas drive to collect toiletries & games for the women & kids as Christmas stocking gifts... just the *social interaction* of this was the hardest part. At this time I was quite anti-social (I think around 16/17 years old) and had to call up multiple companies to ask for sponsors... talk with the managers, etc.

 

I didn't like doing all of these things as it went outside my comfort zone, but ultimately it gave me a sense of pride. And I saw how people treated me -- they thought i was sorta confident and that, in turn gave me confidence. But I didn't really realize up until this year that people could be attracted to me, it was really quite weird... and a lot of it had to do with my obsessive-compulsive disorder which I finally confronted this year... the main way I dealt with it was actually just a haircut and changing my look, lost weight, etc. I was always pretty I guess but didn't quite realize it until I changed my look. I think the problem with you is that you just don't see yourself as others see you... part of the thing that helped me in joining clubs @ university was that since I'm attractive people would just assume I'm social and start talking with me, and I learned that assumption... and it made life easier. In some cases I'd pretend to be someone I wasn't really, just changed my personality a bit, and learn how to deal with people... that's why I stress it is important that you meet people if you're anti-social. It won't be fun but you have to FORCE yourself to do it! I'm pretty sure this is the way psychologists suggest as well... you just have to address your fear head-on sometimes.

 

G'luck.

[Lily04]

Oh and also set little goals for yourself. I'd do it subconsciously, in the moment type of thing, and just realized I did it now. Like I'd go in a club and be like "ok, I'm going to introduce myself to at least 5 people here, and make it natural" or "I'm going to do to the afterparty tonight just for a few hrs. and just meet these particular people..." These goals I learned were somewhat political in nature as well, as when I ran for positions I knew that you had to make friends, etc...

 

Now it just comes automatically, I make decisions and aren't intimidated by them really, but then it sorta was. In high school I remember when I was calling up potential sponsorship companies I'd write down what I'd say and make a goal to call up at least 5 companies/day after school... that type of thing. Making small, pragmatic goals will help. Otherwise you'll just let this problem wither & nothing will get done...

 

Lily

[Dating Coach]

monsier, how long have you known this girl? Do you guys talk often?

 

First off, if you continue to hang out with her and chat with her online or through emails like a friend would, then you are setting yourself up for friendzone. If you are interested in this girl you need to simply suck it up, quit wasting your time, and ask the girl out on a date already. Get your answer now before you spend too much time chasing someone who might have never had any interest in you.

 

Go to link removed and read up on some articles there. It will be very helpful.

[monsieur]

I already am friendzoned, and I blame the above outlined problems for that in the first place, so now I am hoping with all my heart that I will somehow win her over by consistent loving treatment over the longterm. It may be hopeless, and I know I am setting myself up for extreme emotional anguish, but it is the direction my heart is leading me.

[Lily04]

You seem very dramatic and not very realistic... not sure I can help that. I can be like that about school sometimes, but not so muc emotional problems... just try to go with another girl if this one upsets you so much. Might not be worth it.

[Dating Coach]

I agree Lily. I don't think this is very realistic, and neither do I think this is a smart thing to do. So basically you know she isn't interested but you hope to win her over by showing that you are desperate for her and lack the self respect to move on and accept her answer. I am not saying that to be mean, I am being realistic here.

 

There seems to be this huge misconception with guys who think that women only want someone to love them. Of course women do, but there is a LOT more to it than that. They want a partner, an equal, someone they respect. Would you respect someone who is throwing their own needs to the wind and purusing someone beyond their rejection? Think about it. Good women out there could be passing you by while you chase a dead end.

[monsieur]

she contacts me and invites me over often as a friend, so it still gives me hope

 

I look at other girls I see and none can possibly substitute for her. She means everything to me, I have absolutely zero desire to be with any other girl.

[Lily04]

I felt that way about some people too... but I've come to the conclusion that if you believe someone is so "perfect" he/she is likely not perfect for YOU, because you can't even see that person at the same level as you. And as D.Dog said, equality in a relationship matters. Truthfully, with your low self-esteem and idealization of this girl, I don't think that's possible.