Should i tell her about my first breakup?

[Spawn]

Hi everyone,

 

I had posted before about a very cute friend of mine who happenned to be really scared of gettin into relationships and stuff. We are kind of very close friends now. I am not taking it any further, i have been there once and burnt myself with girls who are scared of commitment.

 

Anyways, she had some problem with her PC so i offered her to help with it. So i got to visit her place, got to meet her mom she was very caring and all, her brother was around too. Very nice family i say.She kind of told lot of things about her and her family, i was pretty ok about it. Her mother is very talkative, talks non stop. Very sweet though.

 

When i was kinda leaving her place she started asking me how i managed to loose so much of weight and still maintain it with out ever having to cut down on my calories. I just couldn't lie to her seein herself and her family being so nice to me.

 

Without gettin into any big details, i just told her that i am going through a very emotional breakup right now, thats what is actually making me loose all those weight. She was very keen to know what happenned and i started to tell her but felt really uncomfortable talkin about it, i told her it was an emotional torture for me and my family, my ex had some problem with commitment, but before i could say anything further, my heart started beating loud, i could feel it and i started loosing my voice, felt little scared about the things i was about to say. I dunno why that happenned. Was it because of the relationship i went thru or pain i had to endure i just don't know.

 

Anyways, we reached the substation and at the same time the train arrived and i told her i would tell her everythin when i really have some time with me, she was like hey i told you everything about me so please if you don't mind i would like to know.

 

Anyways i said bye and said next time i will. She was ok with it.

 

i am not sure whether i would be able to tell her again, the way i reacted i thought i might freak out any second.

 

Its very easy when typing it down here but when you are there talkin about it, it was just plain scary....

[PocoDiablo]

If you tell her about your ex and your sad and depressing past you will get friendzoned.

 

If you never want her as a girlfriend, go for it by all means. If you want her as a girlfriend at ANY point, stand up straight and say "Yeah, it was rough, but I'm feeling much better now."

[venus777]

um, as a female i don't think that's necessarily true, but she would probably give you some space for a while before doing anything that's for sure.

[NJRon]

Yeah. I'm with Poco. However, you said you're good friends and don't plan on going anywhere with it. It's sometimes nice to have a girl friend to bounce stuff off of. But if you start using her for therapy, pretty well write off a relationship (and if a relationship comes out of therapy, I typically have very poor results with it).

[PocoDiablo]

um, as a female i don't think that's necessarily true, but she would probably give you some space for a while before doing anything that's for sure.

I like the contradicting yourself in one sentence.

 

A rule to remember: Don't talk about your ex's. Ever. It's the past. Instead make something NEW happen.

 

It's like being a VCR. You can play the past (which is boring) or record something exciting that is going on NOW.

[Bingo72]

Tough one. If you don't see her as a potential girlfriend then I think it's totally okay to tell this girl everything. It is nice to have someone of the opposite sex to talk with.

[SeaBisquit]

i myself think you should tell her. i believe that you do want to be more than friends with her but you are afraid because of your past relationship. i think it's best to be honest about things even if they are hurtful. she could be supportive. i would want to know about my boyfriends past relationships as so long as i'm not being compared to that person.

[PocoDiablo]

I picked up this anology yesterday...

 

Pretend you are a VCR. You have two options: You can either play a tape or record something new. So, you could either replay your old relationship to her which is the same as showing someone a slide show of your vacation. It shows them how boring you are. I mean, sure, the vacation shows how fun it was, but they don't see you being fun. In fact, you're being boring talking about it.

 

Now if you were to throw a blank tape in the VCR and record yourself having fun with her ... THAT'S fun. You are creating a fun moment, you are SHOWING her you're a cool guy.

 

Don't be a boring slide show, a re-run. DO the slide show.

[Spawn]

seeing your avatar paco, i feel dogs have a better life, if only humans didn't have too much of the emotion thing bundled with drama.

 

I think i care for this women she is way too mature if i may use the dreaded word of "comparin" to my ex.

 

I am cool being friendzoned at the moment.....its better that way.

 

I will probably play the cool card incase she is gonna ask about it again, we are preparing for some cisco exams now, so will get busy with its scene.

 

Like this though it was rough, but I'm feeling much better now."

 

no point being emotional about it...its over its my past why even bother.

 

thanks all. take care....

[Jjasonn28]

I can speak from experience, that sharing these feelings and becoming 'friendzoned' with a girl, doesn't necessarily mean that nothing further can happen...

 

 

 

I opened up to this girl only with intentions of friendship, and now she is very interested in me. I guess the difference is, in my case, I dont want anything past a friendship with her.

 

 

Wether you want a friendship, or more just express yourself the way you are comfortable. The way YOU want. If you want to talk about this stuff with her, DO IT. If you dont, then DONT. Just do what you feel is right. Be yourself.

[Spawn]

i read your thread, feels very awkward ain't it.

 

I just tried thinkin it in that way seems i would also feel little awkward.

 

But then from her side i don't see anything coming besides friendship and from my side i can't offer much than friendship.

 

When i was talking to her the other day she told me she never had a boyfriend. She had a problem with a guy who started calling at her place non stop for a while, that created some problem between her mom and her. They are very conservative family, she doesn't believe in datin an all. Very career oriented and is very determined on what she wants from life.

 

You know what i think you shud really try talking to your friend about the friendship thing. Keep it simple, and hope for the best. Good luck man.

[Jjasonn28]

You are right. At this point, you cannot offer anything more than a friendship, as your heart is still wrapped up with feelings of your ex. Wether or not she can or wants to offer friendship or more doesn't matter.

 

If you think that talking with her might help you to sort out some feelings, and generaly be a positive outlet for you, then you should talk to her. Right now, its about you.

 

That being said, if you think it would be more awkward than anything, then dont. You have the answer.

 

 

 

As for the 'other girl' in my thread, I again made it clear that I am in no way shape or form capable of giving anything beyond a frienship. She has slowed down her attempts to 'sway' me into spending more time with her. She has however, again become interested in my struggle with the emotional rollercoaster. She is back to being a friend again. Its still a little tainted, and I am very cautious about what I say to her.. but none the less having that extra person to talk to.. helps.

 

Take care man.

[gratefulpain]

I would give her some stuff but not all the heart felt emotions you felt.... just say is was a bumpy road ... but time has healed you....

 

I spilled my guts to this girl at work and somehow i ended up in the friend zone... plus that she new my faults and weaknesses,,,, she also kind of lost a bit of respect for me for all the crap I took from my ex....

 

I would be very vague.. and say " if I had not have broke up with her ,,, I woulkdnt have had the chance to spend time with you''

[venus777]

well, i think that it's reality--- people have undergone a lot of stuff and if they can't be honest with someone about their past then it's not a real relationship. people find out about each others weaknesses and faults eventually, so it's better not to pretend to be anything you aren't. if they can't deal with it they can't deal.

[Spawn]

hmm....well if she talks about it again or our conversation goes to that area surely i will tell her everything. Not gonna lie about it or change the topic. Probably take it as lightly as possible. As time is passing by i am finding it ok to deal with my breakup. Things have finally started movin.....

[PocoDiablo]

I'm telling you... I think it's a bad idea.

 

I ever wrote an article about it:

 

Why not to pour out your heart to your woman

link removed

 

Don't get friendzoned. Don't talk about other women, it just shows her what a bore you are. Do something EXCITING! If you want to talk about boring crap, tell your therapist.

[Spawn]

wow......thats a great read. thanks Poco.

 

That made me think about my past relationship in a different view altogether. And i now think by breaking off we both did each other a big favour. Making my ex aware all the issues in the relationship was probably the right thing that i did. If she didn't feel like, betraying me and still remaining in contact with her ex, going out with him and all, wasn't enough reasons for me to break things up and then giving her a second chance and get dumped once again for same reason...then its not my problem.

 

now i think i really stood up for myself. enough was enough and i really had some self esteem left to tell her to stop the friends thing she was tryin on me.

 

probably in 10 years time i might think about it....

 

hmm.....if my friend still insists on knowing what happenned, i will tell her somethin like its over now and am back to doing my things now. Things were really bad but anyways i feel ok now.

 

But hey deep down i may not let myself forget about whatever happenned since i think that relationship was a big lesson for me, and that would definetly help me in looking at my future ones in a better perspective.

 

Thanks so much.

 

P.S. I think all the guys out there should really have a nice read of that article.