So angry right now. Betrayed!

[FoxLocke]

I'll just get right to the point...

 

I told three of my friends, my cousin(who happens to be gay too), and my mother(the pinnacle of my experience). It seemed like everything was fine and I was growing in confidence, and gathering strength for when I opened up to everyone else...

Well, that beautiful dream went straight to hell in a handbasket. I am so angry and pissed right now that I want to write a tirade of expletives and throw my computer out of the window. So I'll just compose myself...

To get right to it I know that my mom was having a hard time and she needed to talk to someone. So I gave her permission to tell my aunt(my gay cousin's mother). Since the two of them are close anyway and she went through the samething I figured what would be the harm. Well, that blew up in my face. My aunt was STUPID(emphasis on stupid)enough to think that just because my mother confided in her that gave her STUPID self express consent to start the rumor mill...

Well, my aunt told her other "straight(even though we think he might be gay too)" son about my sexuality to all of my brothers and their families over the phone.

Yes, in one night--before I was ready--I was OUTED to my entire family, most of them I can't even stand anyway...

My third oldest brother(who was born before me)called my mom on the phone and basically went on a screaming rant about me. He said that I wasn't gay, and that I am just "choosing" this "lifestyle" because I am confused and I don't want to grow up. He blamed my mother for pampering me and basically screamed and screamed until my mom hung up in his face.

Before I continue I really despise this particular sibling. My brother and I have nothing but contempt between us. Growing up he was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me on a regular basis from the time I was 12 until the age of 17. Mind you he is 15 years older than me. When he was being abusive to me it was basically an adult child situation NOT sibling rivalry.

My brother had nothing positive to do with my life and if he fell off the face of the Earth tomorrow I would not even know he was gone.

However, he had the audacity to swear up the wall to our mother and blame her for making me gay.

And after our break through in group counseling my mother started asking me whether or not I was sure I was gay. I literally had to argue her down saying that it wasn't a choice I made. I know that she is hurting over it but It made me so mad that I told her that I made out with guy...Just so she would know I wasn't joking.

The day had gone so positively and I thought she was accepting it, but she just went right back into denial mode. Like this was a life I chose for myself.

Now, as I type this, my sister in law(my oldest brother's wife), is in the den discussing it with my mother! It is like I am not even in the darn house right now!

All of my life I have tried to be the perfect son. I have made straight A's since the first grade, I graduated highschool when I was 15-years-old, I held down a steady job for several years before I went to college; I got a degree and computer certification from a two year school, I made the dean's for the last three semesters at my current university, I'm about to graduate next summer; I'm an honor student, I have never been in trouble(I haven't even gotten a traffic ticket), I pay bills around the house, buy the groceries, have my own car, and have led a VERY moral life...However, my being gay and having the audacity to admit it has now made me to gossip and most likely The black sheep of my family. Forget the fact that we have SEVERAL gay men AND women in our family(duh, it is quite obviously genetic)...Now I am looked at and ridiculed for doing nothing except telling my mother that I'm gay.

I knew that every coming out experience would not be positive, and I was prepared for rejection. But I did not want to be the target of gossip.

I think most of them ALREADY knew I was gay but they just didn't want to admit it to themselves because they are so hung up on religion and the bible. I don't care what the bible says I know god still loves me and made me just the way I am.

It amazes me how: My older brother(the one I can't stand)is a serial wife and child beater(He has two ex-wives and he beat them regularly. They have both since left him...thank god. And also the abuse he put me through years ago); Two of my nieces(who are a little older than I am...I was born very late in the family)dropped out of highschool before the 12th grade, got pregnant, and are now both married with several kids and working regular jobs with no future; The former pastor of our church sexually molested one of my nieces for years; One of my uncles is a pimp(he literally sells women for money); and my two nephews(who are 17 and 18 were both recently arrested for shoplifting...

But I committed the abominable sin of being born gay.

Now, they will probably whisper about me and keep their kids away(because they believe that all gay men are sex crazed maniacs who will rape children...), and I will have the inevitable bible scripture quoted at me...But I don't care.

Who gives a damn now? I had no control over the situation...I didn't have the oppurtunity to tell ANYONE myself...

This has been a living hell and I am really sad and heart broken right now.

As soon as I am able to I am moving out of this house and going to live in the gay part of town. My city is huge and I can live here without having to be around any of them.

I'm sorry that I made this so long, but it was just something I needed to get out.

[robowarrior]

no no no no no no no , look.

 

Once you expose yourself and bring it 'out' into the open , like you have done ' resembles a man , who puts a tree on fire and then is surprised that fire engulfed the entire forest.

 

You are gay sexual, you've openly admitted it, and like the fire spreading a irriversable situation has took place, now you can only say' there will be people who will accept my sexuality, and there will be people who will not accept my sexuality, and i will have to live with that.

[FoxLocke]

That is irrelevant. My own friends at school have respected me enough to not betray my confidence so why can't my own family?!

It was still MY RIGHT to tell people myself! And that is betrayal!

 

Furthermore, I don't care if any members of my family, aside from my mom, care about my sexuality. I don't like the majority of them anyway. We are not close.

 

I'm sorry for yelling at you but I am really upset right now.

[WildChild]

First and foremost, I am sorry about this rotten situation. Your aunt was absolutely wrong to do that, and unfortunately it can't be taken back. It was your business. I am assuming that this is not normal for her to run at the mouth like that otherwise you would not have told your Mom it was o.k. to discuss it with her?

 

You have accomplished a lot in your life. Your siblings reactions more likely than not are based on your success. Basically jealousy. Your Mom may be swayed by others because of their disbelief. But I would almost bet the farm that once she takes the time to think about this, she will realize "you aren't just saying this".

 

Your brother sounds sick. As hard as it is, please don't let this sick, demented "being" upset you anymore. Look at the source.

 

Go in the other room and sit there. Put your sister-in-law in the akward situation of you sitting there. Ask her since the conversation is about you, if she would mind you sitting in there. Tell her she and everyone else should be ashamed of themselves for putting your mother in the middle of this. And for one good measure, tell her you have many things you could say about her life, but unlike her judgmental ways you are not going to throw her life out there to be eaten by the wolves. And for one last good measure, remind her of the Ten Commandments since they preach the bible, "Love thy neighbors as thy self."

[KIDD]

Foxlocke, I'm sorry to hear this! Family can be cruel & it's sad when people who share the same bloodline as you can't even love you for you. What's sad is there are still alot of people out there that doesn't understand us. I really think this will make you stronger in the end believe it or not. You never know, things may cool down after awhile, I mean this is a big shock to them. If the people in your family can't deal with who you are & what you like, it's their problem & it's nothing you can really do to make them think otherwise until they come around that is.

 

Also this goes to show you that everyone is not trustworthy, even your OWN family. When your mother confided in your aunt, it was something shocking & big, & sadly.. I don't know who would keep something like this to themselves.She probably felt the need to gossip because it was too hard to resist. Sadly this is how some people operate..

 

All I can say Foxlocke is keep it cool!! Realise that no matter what they say, you are the bigger person & basically the h*ll with everyone else that's not going to be there for you in the end. Look on the brightside, I really think your mother has your back in all of this. She may just feel confused & may feel like she's responsible for making you gay but that's not the case at all. Just talk with your mom & calmly explain to her that she is a great mother & that she did nothing wrong!

 

Even though I have never met you in person before Foxlocke, you seem like a very genuine & caring person & I have to say that I love you as if you were my own brother! You deserve the best & you will get the best! I believe that!

[FoxLocke]

Thanks Kidd and Wild Child...

 

After venting I do feel much better. The positive feedback really helped.

 

I feel more betrayed than anything. But this will make me a better person. I'm already starting not to care. With the exception of my mom no one else has ever been there for me...So why should I give two flying flips what they think of me?

WildChild, you are correct...My older brother is a sick SOB. I have been a better person for having limited to NO contact with him. And I intend to keep it that way even moreso now...

The only thing that is making me sad is that my mom is caught in the middle. None of these idiots will come and express their concerns to ME.

They are taking it out on her, and she didn't do anything except accept me!

 

Well, now it is all in the open so I'll just go from here...

 

I'm going to continue going to the support groups and chatting here. I am proud of myself and I will continue being the best person I can be. My sexuality is what I am not who I am.

[Jinx]

FoxLocke, I'm sorry this happened to you. Its a real sad thing when we have to place more trust in our friends than our family with things like this. It truly is. One of those situations I so wish it was blood is thicker than water, but unfortunately it seems much more the opposite.

 

But I committed the abominable sin of being born gay.

 

This is one of my favorite pet peeves. I've had so many people outright protest and condemn homosexuality then what do they do? Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Theft, Vandalism, Illegal activities in general. Then they assume they can just confess if they don't get caught and they're washed of sin. Then repeat process often.

 

Yet, there are those of us that have been perfectly law abiding peaceful educated citizens with no intentions of ever harming another yet WE are the ones deemed by these people to be bad? To them its like, it doesn't really matter, if you're gay, their sins no matter how horrible will always pale in comparison to yours. At least they can go confess and be washed clean of it. Now us on the other hand if we don't go into conversion therapy we burn it hell, front row seat. Eh, I love it.

 

I feel for you on this, I know fuming wouldn't even be the proper word if I were in that situation. My sister appears to hate my guts because I'm gay but then again no one to my knowledge has let the rest of the extended family (male) know about it. Then again to my benefit, my family rathers to keep their skeletons well hidden in the closet if that phrase even applies here. I'm the little secret they'd rather hide. Sometimes I wonder what is worst, the shame that I need hidden or had they let my father and the other men know and been forever disowned from the family and household. Kind of mixed balance issue.

 

Nonetheless, your mother will need your support and need reinforced that really, had it been a choice would you of picked to be gay? I don't think so. I don't think any of us would because its a hell of a life from every bit I gather as time goes on, not just me but everyone else here, too.

 

She will end up making her own decision in the end but all you can really do is continue working together and try expressing the truth instead of extreme homophobia.

[FoxLocke]

Jinxie, you hit the nail right on the head. That is why I would like to live in a gay community. I am just now getting a taste of the bigotry that gay men and women face and I'm already tired of it.

Again, it will just make me stronger...But it is deplorable regardless.

 

I'll probably end up being one of those gay relatives that leaves and only mentioned in whispers at the family reunion. When you come from a evangelical Baptist Christian family in Texas that is usually your fate.

 

I am just concentrating on working on my relationship with my mom.

[WildChild]

I am just concentrating on working on my relationship with my mom.

 

I think at the end of the day, outside of your own happiness, that is most important. Keep your chin up

[Tigris]

I'm sorry FoxLocke about your situation. It's not nice being 'outed' to everyone when you're not ready. I know my so called best friend (NOT ANYMORE), who's my next door neighbour 'outed' me on Christmas Eve in front of some of my Mother's extended family. I'd warned her before we went out that me might 'bump' into some of them and not to say anything.

 

I didn't know whether to run out of the pub, punch her, cry, etc. It was a mixture of emotions. All I could say to them is 'Please don't say anything because my Father doesn't know yet and my sisters are threatening to disown me and not let me see my 2 nephews and neice if he finds out!' I've never felt so much pressure in all my life!

 

We all know how hard it is to 'come out' as it is without being 'thrown to the lions!'

 

FoxLocke my gut instinct says your Auntie might've done it because the family were always told 'our so and so's achieved this and our so and so's achieved that' etc. You've already told us how successful you've always been and I think the family have been jealous and in awe of you. Now, they've found an imperfection and are making sure that all their insecurities, blame etc., are put on your you.

 

I'm sure this will settle down a lot in the next few weeks. Like you said you don't keep in touch with a lot of them so there's no love lost there. Your Mother, well I think that she's feeling like 'piggy in the middle' because she's supporting you but also that she's not used to having the 'flack' from the whole family in one go. My suggestion is that you give your Mother a hug and say that this isn't her fault and you don't blame her. I think she feels that she's let you down in this respect.

 

Also, I suggest that the next time you go and see your counsellor/therapist you explain what's happened and you will both be given advice on how to deal with the situation.

 

There's always going to be times when we take one step forward and half a dozen backwards!

 

Please keep us informed with developments.

 

Good luck FoxLocke and take care. Please give your Mother a hug from me.

[FoxLocke]

Sadly, my mom is obsessed with this being a "phase." She really does think that I chose this to latch onto...

 

I think I am going to have to leave home very soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

 

They all act like I woke up one morning and decided to be gay. This is a really horrible transition for me.

 

Anyway, I thank you all for your encouraging replies.

[southerngirl]

Who cares what your brother thinks! He was abusive to you! He was abusive to his ex-wifes and his kids! He sounds like an abusive fawker so why would he change now.

 

Like you said god love syou just the way you are. I think that sometimes people cant understand being gay because they are not gay. Its simple, and then they are scared of what they dont understand.

 

Keep your chin up I personally dont feel there is anything wrong with you at all! Your mom will come around, and if your brother doesnt who cares... like you said you dont think much of him anyway.

 

Your aunt was wrong to go gossiping about you and I dont blame you one bit for being upset about it! I know I would be! Writing it all out here will help and so will the support groups.

 

Im cheering for you..

[keenan]

Ugh. Two steps forward.... I AM very sorry that your mom is waffling on this a little. I know how much she means to you. The rest of your family can go jump in a lake, and your brother and aunt can lead the charge.

 

Hon, everything I want to say to you has already been said, and you know it yourself anyway. Get yourself out of Tejas and you'll feel better very quickly. Huge hug of support here.......

[neolithic]

i know this is kinda stupid, but it might help you have a little laugh at your family through your anger.

 

 

Heterosexual questionnaire

 

1. When and how did you first decide that you were heterosexual?

 

2. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

 

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?

 

4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of members of the same sex?

 

5. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexuality? How did they react?

 

6. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals (95%). Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

 

7. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

 

8. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know that you wouldn't prefer that?

 

9. Does your employer know that you are heterosexual? Are you openly heterosexual with your family members? Roommates? Co-workers? Church members?

 

10. With 50% of first-time heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, and over 60% of second heterosexual marriages also ending in divorce, there seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed to change your sexual orientation; have you considered aversion therapy to treat your heterosexuality?

 

Heterosexism is a problem in our society, and I think we need to step back and examine our own heterosexist beliefs and actions. Most of you will discover, as I discovered as I worked through these questions, it's not very easy to deal with heterosexism. However, it does need to be dealt with and we should work towards getting rid of our own heterosexist thoughts and beliefs.

 

just know things will calm down.. my uncle went through this recently when he was outted to the entire family. also my roommate is terrified to tell her family that she's gay and i went through a period of fear with her when someone told her sister.. they convinced her sister they were joking about her being gay later, but it really is sad that we can't just be without so much judgment coming from a lack of understanding!

[Prufrock06]

Dear FoxLocke,

 

This is terrible news to hear. And on the heels of such positive progress you'd made between you and your mother...

 

Regardless of her intentions, there was no right or reason for your aunt to do what she did. It was a definite betrayal of trust. And as for your eldest brother's volatile reaction to the situation -- all I can say from your descriptions of him and your opinion of him, does it really matter what he thinks of you? Why give such an individual's opinion so much control over a life that clearly belongs only to you? You've done so much better with your life than he has and that's something you should never forget -- you've handled all your situations with courage and poise and tact, qualities that seem to be lacking in this family member from your descriptions of him.

 

At the same time, now that the perfectly legitimate anger is slowly subsiding, you can now focus on the next steps to take. Because, whether you like it or not, the information is out there and what matters now is how you proceed with handling it while at the same time remaining true to yourself and not buckling under any type of familial pressure.

 

It sounds to me like the only person who's opinion you are really concerned about, at the end of the day, is your mother's -- is this an accurate statement to make? And yeah, she's probably going to waffle on the issue a little bit but you should try as best you can to kind of counteract whatever negative "information" she might get from other family relatives. Continue going to the FLAGG support group and bring this issue up next time, as hard as it might be for the two of you to talk about it. I think, for all the support we can give you here on the enotalone message boards, being surrounded by a group of people who have gone through the same thing and being able to physically and vocally interract with them might provide some fresh insight for not only you, but (perhaps more importantly) for your mother as well.

 

It's perfectly okay to be angry and worried about what's going to happen next. But you will get through this, as trite a saying as that may be. You've accomplished so much from all the posts of yours that I have read and I know you'll make it through this rough period and come out a better person on the other side. Maybe this can be viewed as a great motivator for you to move out of the house in the near future, to strike out on your own somewhere new and exciting and different (and certainly GLBT friendly) and to go out and live your life without having to worry about what your family members think of you.

 

You'll be in my thoughts. Please keep us updated.

[Jinx]

Jinxie, you hit the nail right on the head. That is why I would like to live in a gay community. I am just now getting a taste of the bigotry that gay men and women face and I'm already tired of it.

Again, it will just make me stronger...But it is deplorable regardless.

 

I'll probably end up being one of those gay relatives that leaves and only mentioned in whispers at the family reunion. When you come from a evangelical Baptist Christian family in Texas that is usually your fate.

 

It is a sad thing. To say the least of it. I too probably will someday be banished to that status, when my father and male relatives find out, heh, they'll insist the women pretend I'm dead. Really, that is not below them for me, or others in the past which didn't fit the cookie cutter perfectly.

 

Really in the end it won't be my loss personally. I'll move on, I'll have my friend and acquaintance network to some degree, maybe a girlfriend one of these days even, and most important a family developing. If they don't want to be part of it so be it. Love my family but if they acted in such a way its water off the duck's back because I know depressing myself over losses will just end with my own failure, not theirs. Unfortunately, seems the only suitable way to go.

 

Nonetheless, if they disown us and we become reputable professionals and someone asks, "Is that your child?" well they're either going to have to come to terms or decide never to take any credit behind the raising. Thats how I see it. For me, to the female side that is, my male relatives won't honor the idea that a woman can earn a high degree in a male profession, their problem, not mine, can't help I'm an overeducated "child bearer". Anyhow though.

 

Sadly, my mom is obsessed with this being a "phase." She really does think that I chose this to latch onto...

 

I think I am going to have to leave home very soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Maybe it'll just be a sinking in need that'll take a bit. You two went so far to go so far back. I'd really confront the issue if it persists about what is worth giving up. Her son who has committed nothing worst than loving a man or illegal activity ridden relatives? Hm. Choices.

 

Because in the end she can either live and be "loved" by the worst of them, or she can live and be loved by the best of them.

[jon 13]

:shocked!: sry that this happened.

[adoracion]

FoxLocke, I am truly sorry that this has happened to you. I bet that if your mom told your aunt that you just murdered someone that there wouldn't be as much hoopla! You're expriencing the storm right now, but everything will be quiet again. You'll come out stronger. I kind of see it as a new beginning for you (although the way everyone's handling it is really jacked up). Your aunt was wrong for opening her mouth (rather largely I might add), but now everything's out in the open and you can start living more. It just sucks because when you chose to disclose your sexuality should have been on your own terms.

[FoxLocke]

Hello everyone,

 

I just decided that I needed to give an update.

 

Things have gone from bad to worse.

 

My mother has done a complete 180 and let all of my brothers poison her...Maybe I am giving them too much credit and should have seen this coming like a runaway freight train, I don't know...But every single positive thing that has occurred over the last week has been wiped away just like that.

 

As you all know everyone knows now...

So, last night, my second older brother called my mom up and spoke to her for several hours. Needless to say I had to hear about that too.

My mom told me that she had rethought the issue, after speaking with my brother(who is an evangelical Christian...but has the meanest temper, EVER). My mom went onto tell me how "unnatural" what I am planning to do is...She further stated that God intended for me to be a man not a woman(apparently, she has my homosexuality confused with being transgendered)...And that my brother said I should know there is a heaven and a hell and the path I am treading is one of sin that will lead to death....All the obligatory evangelical Christian tripe.

 

Needless to say, I was floored. Every stride we had made was completely undone. Then I went on this entire explanation about how I wouldn't and didn't choose to be gay...And if I could I would change it in a heart beat to avoid this. We discussed it all through the night until around 1:00 am. I thought all was better...

Then this morning she wanted to talk to me, and then she suggested that maybe I find my own new place to live and she would help me pay the rent. I wasn't surprised but I was hurt.

It was her that told me that I should go back to school and finish my diploma...

Then she said that it is not because she loves me anyless but it is because this is hard for her to comprehend because all she knows is male and female and all that crap. And she asked why would I even want to live with someone who feels the way she does...

I immediately said, "I DON'T! I WISH TO GOD I DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE HERE WITH YOU ANYMORE! THE ONLY REASON I CAME BACK WAS BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TOO AND I THOUGHT FINISHING SCHOOL AT THIS TIME WOULD BE A GOOD THING!"

Then we sat and talked about it and she kept going on and on about the "lifestyle" that I am "choosing" to lead and all the "dirty" things that accompany it and etc...etc...

 

After that I stormed out of the house and left for work.

 

So, my mom does love me...She just has certain stipulations attached to it. She'll never accept me completely and this was the reason It took me so long to come out about my sexuality.

 

Well, I am taking her up on the offer and I am getting the hell away from all of them.

 

I'm probably going to have to drop out of school so that I can find a nice job that will support me...However, I know that I will be a better person for this.

 

I guess I am officially one of the many abandoned gay kids of America. It just saddens me that my mother loves a god she has never seen(and probably doesn't know exists)more than she loves me....

 

Thank you everyone for your support. I wish I could have provided a happier ending but it wasn't to be.

But I won't hatred and anger for my family consume me. This will just make me a more accepting and tolerant person of others who have been rejected like me.

 

I'm fortunate that I don't like any of my family members. It will be that much easier to leave them behind.

Maybe I can find a way to leave Texas altogether...I hope so.

[WildChild]

Oh, I am so, so sorry FoxLoche I know it feels like the world has crashed around you, but what is worse? Having your family (whom most you despise) know, or having to live your life in and as a secret?? I know you are pretty disappointed with your mother right now, but I don't think this has anything for her love of God, or lack of love for you. If she completely in her heart of hearts felt the way she does, don't you think that would have been apparent right from the beginning when you told her? Where do you think she is getting this from??? You know. Plus, if she really wanted to disown you, or rid you from her life I don't believe that she would care about how or where you went, or how you would pay for it, she would just kick you out.

 

As goofy as this sounds, I am the youngest child too. No matter what age I am at, what my older sister says to our Mom-->goes. I am going to be 35, I am still looked at as the youngest and not "worldly" (if you will) to know something. I don't care what it is.

 

I think it probably is a good thing to leave her house. I would also keep in the back of your mind that if your siblings get wind that she is paying for your rent, she may reneg on that. I hate to say that, but they obviously influence her decision making. Please don't drop out of school o.k. Yes find a job, something that can help you make it, but stay in school, even if it is part time. You may be eligible for grants, loans, scholarships. Don't give them anymore ammunition. You are going to be o.k. This sucks, and it is sad. But you don't have to live in TX for the rest of your life. Your Mom does love you. Please don't doubt that o.k. I'm sure this has come to a surprise to her, almost a shock (when someone has one conception of something, only to be told the opposite....ya know) and your siblings' sick meddling is not helping matters.

 

 

((((HUGS))))

[FoxLocke]

Thanks WildChild...

 

I am so traumatized right now. This has turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life.

 

This is precisely the reason I didn't want people to know all at once. I am still trying to find strength.

 

I don't know what to do right now. Should I just completely break away, or should I keep trying? My siblings are the bane of my existence...They always have been and now they are winning...

And I feel absolutely alone, again.

 

Right now I don't know which end is up. I'll find my way out of this, but to be in the midst of it is not a good feeling...

[WildChild]

I think you need to let your Mom know that you love her, and that someday you hope she will come to terms with this. That no matter what, you are not turning your back on her because you do love her, but with all the animosity you feel you need to step back from the situation at least for now. And remind her (firmly, but gently) you are her son.

 

If she starts giving you flack, then ask her if she turned her back on anyone else in the family? When your brother was beating his wife? When your uncle was molesting family members?

 

She may need to be reminded (even though she's your Mom) that her actions are being hypocritical.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

This really sucks! But guess what, it will make you stronger in the long run. Don't shake your head no, I see you! It will. You have seen the reaction from the worse, from those who are close to you and who you love and despise. You can't get anymore closer to the ends of the spectrum like you have with this situation. So now, is there anyone else who wll give you a reaction that will have you bent up like this?

 

This may sound looney, but ask yourself: What do you think the consequences would've been if your aunt knew? Do you think that she would keep this secret to herself or that, pray tell, she would send the memo to one of her sons or another relative and have them play Paul Revere. I ask this because the subconscious can be very deceiving to our coherent thinking. Is it possible that the initial reaction your mom gave you, gave you a hint of confidence that coming out wouldn't do as much harm as you thought? Did you think that you, your mom and your aunt would be the only ones that would know the secret once your mom confided in her sister? Or did you think that the secret would eventually drip out, one way or another, in 40 minutes or 40 nights, and that if it did, f' em and their stupid opinions? In fact, that is what you need to say. Stick up that middle finger and say, "You know what, F you all and those high horses ya'll ride on" Give each one an individual middle finger and tell them not to throw stones unless they want their glass houses shattered.

 

It's not going to be easy no matter who you tell, but like I said before, it can't get much worse than this. And I doubt it will go away completely, even if you move to a gay community. Discrimination lurks everywhere, even within our own circles. That's one of the horrific things about living on this giant ball of rock and gas. But now you know what it's like to come out to bigots and narrow minded people. It's up to you to let their thinking destroy them, and not you. It will not be smooth sailing ahead, but at least you have a life jacket to keep you from drowning when the boat tips over.

 

I still applaud you for what you did. I wish I had as much courage as you, in my life, to admit my feelings to those who deserve to know them.

[keenan]

You're not alone. I PMed you before I read this, Foxie, or I would have been less chipper. But really--you aren't alone. Big hug.

[FoxLocke]

In the end it was still worth it.

 

Although I am going through this crap right now I wouldn't change, acknowledging who I am, nor coming out to those I trust, for anything in the world.

Now, for the first time in my life, I feel like I can just be myself and be honest. I don't have to be afraid anymore. Regardless of the bigotry that I am suffering from my hateful and derranged family members(thankfully, all of their habits bypassed my DNA)I still feel good about what I did.

 

I'm not going back to a life of repression and anger. I've been to that place and I don't ever want to go back.

Whatever happens between my mom and I I'm ready to accept it. If she would throw away our relationship then that is her loss and she'll goto her grave with that.

 

I don't love any of my brothers so I'll just tell them I'm gay and maybe that will keep them out of my life(that would be a blessing from God).

 

But I am going to keep trying to stay positive and continue to attend the support meetings...

Oneday I will be able to look back on this and be a much stronger person who won't have anyone to answer to but myself and my god.