My fiance is a peeping Tom, what to do?? need help

[westerlie_nine]

Hey all,

Before the two of us got serious, he did admitted that he was kinda like a porn addict and also like having phone sex and nothing to stop him from it, but oh well I guess I saw nothing wrong in that. Cuz see his ex broke up with him cuz she thought that was cheating. He goes online, and basically talks dirty to girls and tells him false names and lies baout the address, says he just does it for fun. It's always been like this in our 3 year relation, but now I dunno if I wanna marry him, feel like this would create problems, and he does admit he has a problem over it, he says it's like a drug addiction.

What bothers me the most is that lately for the past 4 months I did caught looking at the window, he didn't deny when ask. He told me he was looking at a girl undressing cuz he say it arouses him. He's like "I dunno what to you, I can't help it." Any suggestions people, I'm guessing maybe he really does need therapy. I try talkinh to him about it, he says thought he does have a problem over pron and looking out the window, says it's not really a big deal.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

he sounds like he seems to be degrading your relationship, why put up with it?

[RayKay]

My suggestion is you DON'T marry this guy and you move out honestly.

 

It does not sound like he thinks it's something he wants to fix, and as a result, things are not going to change.

 

Do you really want to be married to someone whom might find their butt arrested for trespassing or worse?

 

I would NEVER ever be with someone whom thinks it's cool to talk dirty to other girls (that's cheating) or would peep on other women undressing (sick and ILLEGAL).

[BellaDonna]

I definitely think he needs therapy. It's one thing for him to be on the computer looking, it's another thing all together for him to be looking through someone's window- which is a CRIMINAL act. God forbid, what's next? Breaking in? Rape? It seems the addictive behavior is escalating and becoming more extreme.

 

It's always been like this in our 3 year relation, but now I dunno if I wanna marry him, feel like this would create problems, and he does admit he has a problem over it, he says it's like a drug addiction

 

He certainly does not sound like "marriage material".

 

In order for him to change- he has to WANT it for himself. Simply admitting he has a problem isn't enough. You can't invest yourself in hoping to change another person. If you wait around for him to change, you could be waiting forever. If you stay with him and tolerate this behavior- he really has no reason to change.

 

 

BellaDonna

[westerlie_nine]

Yea, good point. Sadly I do love him, but no I don't even know if I wanna marry him now. He can end up getting arrested looking through window. Thing is sometimes he does says he wishes he can do something about it that would make that addiction go over, he always like "I dunno wut to do about this, I can't really help it, I can keep still without looking outside or going to the comp". But yea, if he wanted to fix it, he would get therapy right away when I aked him to for like the 8th time, he won't listen. As of now I'm thinking of giving him the final chance either fixing it and getting therapy or I'm leaving. Wut if we end up having kids, and one of them catches him with porns, then I can't imagine wut the kid's gonna say, think.

[RayKay]

Or what if your friends bring over friends when they are older whom find themselves being peeped on?

 

Porn is one thing, peeping on others and talking to other REAL girls with talk that should be reserved for you two is another.

[westerlie_nine]

Yea, he definitely needs help, This will be his last chance and it's up to him now. I'm thinking if he does really loves me like he says then he'll get help himself and put away his porn and window peeping. He has two chose now, porn or me?

[annie24]

yes, I agree with the other posters. If he is serious about changing, he would get into therapy. Seriously, he can get arrested!!!!

 

I know you love him, but he's going to grow up to be a dirty old man. ewwww..... He has some serious problems and unless he makes an effort to change, I think you would be better off cutting your losses and leaving.

[annie24]

Also, like RayKay said, the porn doesn't concern me as much as the talking dirty to other girls and peeping! That is definitely illegal!!!!! And he shouldn't be talking dirty to other girls. I think most people look at a bit of porn now and again, but they don't let it become an obession.

[RayKay]

Yea, he definitely needs help, This will be his last chance and it's up to him now. I'm thinking if he does really loves me like he says then he'll get help himself and put away his porn and window peeping. He has two chose now, porn or me?

 

Personally I don't have a problem with porn as long as it is not interfering with the relationship - though in your case it is. Though I respect some people do, and that is their right, and they should work out compromises with their partner.

 

However him talking dirty to other women and peeping IS more then a porn issue, it's a criminal and a fidelity issue.

 

Why have you been so accepting of these behaviours for so long?

 

How is your relationship otherwise?

[BellaDonna]

He has two chose now, porn or me?

 

I don't even think you should keep focusing on the porn. It's not really about him just looking at porn- it's about him talking sexually with real women over the internet and looking in real women's windows (which is a crime). Focus on that to make a better case when you talk to him.

 

If he has not made it a priority to change in 3 years, I'm not sure how far you'll get with him this time. What might end up happening is he'll just lie about it or hide it now, whereas before, he was open about it.

 

If I were you, I would not give him another second of my time unless he was in some kind of intensive therapy/rehabiliation program.

 

BellaDonna

[sugarbaby18]

just wondering.... how old are the girls he is chattin to online and the lady that he watches out the window??

[CarnelianButterfly]

He seems to have little respect for women beyond that of them being a means for him to get off. This is a very big red flag, this guy is bad news. If he lies to all these other women and is willing to violate to privacy of others think of how he may come to treat you. I don't think you should marry him and I think he needs to get help. If he continues to act like this he may get arrested or it may escalate to more serious offense against women, rapist usually start as peeping toms.

[BellaDonna]

If he continues to act like this he may get arrested or it may escalate to more serious offense against women, rapist usually start as peeping toms

 

I agree. Looking in windows, in and of itself, is quite predatory, I would seriously worry that his next step could be a major crime.

 

BellaDonna

[AwdreeHpburn]

Westerlie - just to look at this a bit differently, I just wanna suggest that he prolly isn't a bad person because he likes porn or is some what of a voyeurist (sp?)

 

But as others have already said, there are times when peeping and engaging in active talks or activities can be a sort of gateway to more illegal things.

 

Of course there are a ton of people who's thing it is to "watch" or talk dirty. These are not bad people because they are turned on by those things.

 

If he has escalting issues, things that he's doing that are progressing into other things, I strongly suggest he visit a therapist for maybe a sexual addiction. That may be all it is right now.

 

You haven't said anything about a violent temper, a predisposition toward dominance or a power-tripper or anything that would make me think sexual predator, so I think he may just have things that turn him on that for some people are different.

 

Peeping is illegal and is a bigger flag for the whole "gateway" thing but I'm curious to know other things, sexually speaking, that he displays.

 

If you have any concerns, however small, that he may be a sexual predator tho - you need to either very strongly encourage him to seek help or try to distance yourself somehow.

[Momene]

If you don't like it, it's a big deal. The Mrs and I look at stuff together but don't indulge in anything that involves contact.

 

He won't stop, that's established, so you'll have to accept it or leave. Sorry!