I made a mistake, now he won't talk to me

[Bostich]

I am not going to lie, there ia a part of me that is considering leaving the relationship. I do want to take his feelings into considerationsbecause I did cross boundaries. However, I also want a relationship.

 

As it stands, I have not talked to my boyfriend in more than a week except to hear that I should leave him alone and that he is not sure if he'll want to see me again. I understand why you say to have patience but is it fair to also sit in limbo and hope they might come back? I mean at what point is it just too long?

[DN]

When you say you are considering leaving the relationship, do you really mean that or are you trying to manipulate him? Because if you really don't want to break up with him I suggest you think again - he might just agree with your decision.

 

To be honest, I am starting to wonder if you really love him at all or are really just wanting to be in a relationship and, if he is not willing right now, are quite happy to move on to someone else.

[Bostich]

I do really love him DN but I think I keep falling under the influence of my friends. I want to wait it out but I keep hearing from all the people in my life, "What's the point, he's telling you he may NEVER see you again. He will not talk to you now. I mean, as it stands you two are certainly engaged in the action of break-up."

 

I keep hearing this from all of them and I wonder if they are right. But I caused this so given that, maybe I should suffer and wait it out. This was a personal incident done to him by me and as a result he needs to handle it in his own way.

 

I just feel that if a month has gone by and still NC, it would be naive of me to think we were really together still.

[DN]

I agree that a month would be be a long time. Personally, I would give him until Monday and then contact him. That gives him one more weekend to be without you and see what it would be like to be broken up.

[Bostich]

Thank you for the advice DN, that is sort of what I thought to. I figured after the weekend I would send him my apology e-mail/letter and see what (if any) his response is.

 

I did e-mail him last night as I am currently working on a claim for him (he was involved in an accident). I needed to get some pictures e-mailed to me so I could send the package out today. I kept the e-mail strictly "business" though as I did not want to intrude. Alnd though he was online I received no response from him.

 

I am taking this as a pretty bad sign. I mean, the claim has the potential to get him thousands of dollars. Basically, I feel like he doesnt want anything from me right now.

 

I dont really know what to think of the fact that he didnt respond, any thoughts?

[Mavh25]

i dont get this. Why did she have the passwords? why is he so pissed? why the hell would anyone in a relationship need email as a source of "their own" why? what for? hell yes, its invasion of privacy, but good god, why? its email........... whats private about it..... im confused, ive done it. But he gave me his passwords and he had nothing to hide, but i looked anyway............... im totally up the wall by this

[DN]

Thank you for the advice DN, that is sort of what I thought to. I figured after the weekend I would send him my apology e-mail/letter and see what (if any) his response is.

 

I did e-mail him last night as I am currently working on a claim for him (he was involved in an accident). I needed to get some pictures e-mailed to me so I could send the package out today. I kept the e-mail strictly "business" though as I did not want to intrude. Alnd though he was online I received no response from him.

 

I am taking this as a pretty bad sign. I mean, the claim has the potential to get him thousands of dollars. Basically, I feel like he doesnt want anything from me right now.

 

I dont really know what to think of the fact that he didnt respond, any thoughts?

 

What you intended and what he thought you intended are not necessarily the same thing. I would stick to the plan.

 

This is not directed just at you, but as a general point about looking at a partners' e-mail - since this is a something that comes up in more than just this thread.

 

Remember that you are not just invading your partner's privacy but the privacy of everyone who sent him or her an e-mail. It is true that it is not wise to rely on e-mail being private but that is beside the point.

 

How would you feel if you sent a friend an e-mail about something personal and found out that it was read by their partner?

[RayKay]

i dont get this. Why did she have the passwords? why is he so pissed? why the hell would anyone in a relationship need email as a source of "their own" why? what for? hell yes, its invasion of privacy, but good god, why? its email........... whats private about it..... im confused, ive done it. But he gave me his passwords and he had nothing to hide, but i looked anyway............... im totally up the wall by this

 

Case in point about why it may be private:

 

A friend emails you about the results of a recent STI/pregnancy whatever test she got and wants your advice. She does not want anyone to know at this point as she is not sure what she wants to do. Your partner reads her emails, she finds out somehow when he mentions something to her, and that trust and bond is violated. Your friend stops trusting you to tell you anything.

 

My boyfriend and I have a fantastic relationship, and a fantastic partnership, but we feel no need to know what emails they are sending out, or getting. Why is it my business what his friends say? It isn't in my opinion. What WOULD I get out of it by looking in his emails? Besides, if someone WAS going to get up to something, they can open up an account you would never even know about it. What's the point? I even know he HAS had emails from an ex from discussions, and I STILL have no interest in reading them - he was honest about them, told me about them and that was it.

[DN]

I don't have a password to my e-mail account so my wife could access it easily. She has a hotmail account and I know her password because she wanted me to fix something for her. So we could easily check each other's e-mails. But we don't because they are private, just as we don't open each others private snail mail.

 

We are married, have been for a long time. But that doesn't mean we lose our individuality.

[redhook]

Leave him alone. It is basically the only thing you can do. Sorry

[Bostich]

DN,

 

You are probably right in saying that he probably thought I had ulterior motives. Also, he might be so frustrated he just doesnt want my help right now. I'll just have to stick to the plan and initiate contact next week.

[Bostich]

I just want to put it here so I dont e-mail, call, text or im him. I am at my desk and about to cry.

 

I feel like I have completely lost him and it hurts like hell. I just don't understand how he doesnt want to hear from me or talk to me. Even when I am angry I still have love for the person I am angry at. Can anger completely change your feelings for someone?

[DN]

Yes it can. Mostly it's just temporary but anger is a strong emotion and while it lasts it can push out the others. Please don't call him - or you are likely to make him angrier.

[eleanorrigby1]

you should have dealt with your trust issue before you entered into another relationship. If someone is hurt or betrayed or dumped they feel this need to fill that void, meet someone else to take away the pain, to love them to make them feel good again, but it doesnt work. We cant move on until we deal with the pain.

 

I was betrayed by someone i loved two and a half years ago, I remained single for two whole years! I needed to deal with the issues surrounding that pain and betrayal before i could think about inflicting the damage onto another.

 

I then met my current boyfriend and every now and again a little doubt creeps in or a hurt and a pain and I feel sick with the knot in my stomach bu then I remind myself that he is not that person that betrayed me and that the issue is mine and I am working through it. Self development is continuous and never ending, but we cannot ever blame others for the way we behave, we are responsible for our own actions, so saying you spied on your boyfriends email and then blaming the way an ex treated you as an excuse is wrong.

 

Take some responsibility for what you did and stop making excuses for it. You are afraid, you are scared but you dont need to inflict that on your boyfriend, he didnt hurt you, he may have no intention of hurting you, but unfortunately in life, there are no guarantees with love and we can never ever promise not to hurt someone, but you need to have enough self respect and love in order to believe in yourself. You are good enough for someone and if they are going to betray you, its out of your control, spying on them isnt going to stop it from happening?

 

You need to tell him you are really sorry and not use excuses tell him you know it was wrong, YOU WERE WRONG and it wont happen again.

[Skippy]

why havent you send the apology yet??

You shoul dhave sent the apology long time ago so he can consider. Giving it to him in the day you are going to ask him whether the realtionship is going anywhere is pointless. Apologies should be made ASAP and not 2 weeks later.

[Bostich]

I would just like to clarify to the last posters that I have in fact apologized. It was done in-person when we had our last discussion. I was just considering the idea of writing him a more thought out letter while we are apart.

 

And yes, ideally we would all wait to get into relationships until we were healed from past hurts. I was very reluctant to get involved and my boyfriend and I were friends for awhile as a result. Afte sometime, I decided to take the next step. Often, we cannot even begin to know how deep our issues run until put into another place of vulnerability.

[Bostich]

Just wanted to see if some of you had any further advice on my situation. As I mentioned earlier, I wrote him a few days ago requesting some info because I am working on a claim for him. Despite being online, he didnt write back at that time. This morning however I received a resonse:

 

 

////Attached is an old one, I'll send a new one as soon as I can take it.

 

Thanks

-*******/////

 

Based on how curt his reply was and that he didnt respond immediately (as he usually does) I would say he is still upset. I know many of you said to contact him again next week around Monday or so. Would you still, given this reply?

[DN]

Yes, as we discussed, he should have had enough time by then to decide what he wants to do about the relationship and you can't be in limbo indefinitely.

[Bostich]

Help, I dont know what to do. So, my boyfriend e-mailed me again a link to a wanted ad for a really cute bicycle. (I currently have one that he made me but it is at his house)

 

I e-mailed back thank you but I cant afford it right now. And he replied, well you should pick up your bike from my house this weekend then.

 

Do you think this means he is ending it? By trying to get me to get my belongings from his house? Or is he just be a nice guy?

 

I said I would pick it up tonight and he said to call first but that should be fine. What should I say to him when I see him? Anything? Or just thank him for the bike and leave?

[yeawutever]

Ok, if I were you, I would be piss by now. Ok so you made a mistake, but it's not like you cheated on something. I agree with the other posts on giving him to Monday to sort his feelings out. If he doens't, then too bad, that's his lost. As for the letter, send him nothing, I wouldn't. It would just cause him dismay, he would prollie even start presuming more about you or change rules, kinda likee controlling you in a way. I would stick to NC until he decides when he's ready to talk and sort his feeling.

As for the bike, I would now be very straight forward to tell. I would be like "Ok what is the deal here, is this a break up or you just want me to pick it up, if it's break up, fine you lost me then, bye". If it's break up, pick up the bike, and leave as soon as possible. Not the girl's job to be the begger.

When I mean he could pressume about you if you're to send him the apology letter, I mean he can atke you for granted after it if he wants to be back with you. He may then say "See how you were wrong, I wasn't cheating on you and never will", and you would be force to say "Yea you're right". After that the problems start, he'll take you for granted, for example he can make orders or kinda make you go along with what he says, do.

[Bostich]

I did not go to his house after all. Things happened tonight that prevented it, and maybe it is for the best regardless. To be honest, I am starting to get upset.

 

Sure it is finally nice that he thought enough to repsond to me by sending a one line e-mail but really it's not. And yes it's nice he thought about sending me a link to a bike but there was no message with it, nothing. And when I told him I could not afford it he replied, "Well you should pick up your bike at some point." He didnt even address or sign the e-mail.

 

I mean his actions tell me he is thinking about be but not nearly enough to be over his anger. He obviously wants me to have a bike, nothing more than that. And one could extract that if he was really done with me or didnt care this would not matter to him but really I dont know if it does. If I get it, fine and if I dont, fine.

 

I guess I am just feeling pretty down tonight. Sorry.

[yeawutever]

Maybe he's up to something. It's okay for you to start getting angry, who wouldn't. His actions seem to be that of an immature 10 year-old.

[DN]

Maybe he's up to something. It's okay for you to start getting angry, who wouldn't. His actions seem to be that of an immature 10 year-old.

 

Perhaps, but many adults get fairly angry at having their privacy invaded and fell that someone who would do that is acting in an immature way themselves. As to being up to something - maybe what he is up to is trying to come to terms with what happened.

 

Let's be careful about throwing labels such as 'immature' around in a situation like this. It rarely makes people feel less angry to be called immature.