Advice

[iamtheone]

I've been reading these forums for a long time and have been hesitant to post but could do with some advice.

 

Basically im in an LDR with my boyfriend (mostly over the internet right now, the first year was not LD), am depressed, clingy, have been awful to him. He now wants time to decide, apparently part of him wants to stay with me but he thinks he should leave. He's been avoiding me and snapping at me since he told me this.

 

My friend think we won't get anything worked out until we speak face to face. I think giving him an ultimatum will just result in him leaving me, and I don't want that. He's coming home this weekend, what should I do? I've sent a message saying I heard he's coming home this weekend and would he like to see me, also has he decided anything about us yet.

[RayKay]

Welcome, and I am glad you are posting!

 

I am not sure what kind of ultimatum you are considering, but ultimatums are generally never a good idea unless you are ready to follow through. Most people don't like being pressured, and may opt for the 'out' just to not be controlled that way.

 

I agree this really should be talked about in person since you have been together a good amount of time. However, also be prepared that may NOT happen and be ready to move on.

 

Is there a reason for your clinginess and awfulness - and how were you awful to him? Some more details may be helpful.

 

RayKay

[Scout]

I second that welcome to eNotalone! Before I give my take on things, could you tell me if the long distance thing is an indefinite situation? Or, is there a determined time in place when you two will be in the same location again?

 

Also, what led to the LDR? Did he have to go to school or something?

[iamtheone]

ah RayKay i was waiting for your wonderful advice! LDR is indefinite, he went away to uni. Awful as in accusing him of cheating, screaming, hitting, being paranoid, things like that which I'm very ashamed of. Clinginess etc I think due to depression, or maybe the other way around- I'm definitely not the person I was when we first met. It's pretty much an indefinite LDR as now I don't even think we're together. I don't know what we'd say in person that we haven't already said, he just says "I don't know, give me time"-why should he control me and put me in limbo?

[RayKay]

ah RayKay i was waiting for your wonderful advice! LDR is indefinite, he went away to uni. Awful as in accusing him of cheating, screaming, hitting, being paranoid, things like that which I'm very ashamed of. Clinginess etc I think due to depression, or maybe the other way around- I'm definitely not the person I was when we first met. It's pretty much an indefinite LDR as now I don't even think we're together. I don't know what we'd say in person that we haven't already said, he just says "I don't know, give me time"-why should he control me and put me in limbo?

 

Hmm, are you in uni yourself?

 

Sometimes clinginess comes out when we are afraid of losing someone, or when we are growing apart or in different stages in life, though of course it only pushes them away further. Relationships do go through their changes, and you need to work together and adapt to them (barring abuse and unhealthy relationships of course..don't stay no matter what...).

 

Sometimes also we need some time alone to be secure in ourselves before we can be secure in a relationship.

 

How are you now?

 

Perhaps apologizing for those behaviours, letting him know you understand how terrible they were, and letting him know you hope that you can be given another chance, but if not, you understand his decision. You can't force someone to stay after all.

[iamtheone]

I am in uni RayKay, I finish at the end of this week (forever). I have tried apologising and such but he doesn't believe I'll change, I've had 2 years to change. I tried but got nowhere, antidepressants, counsellor etc did nothing- tablets made me feel worse and actually more suicidal. If I do change he'll say I'm only doing it to win him back and he won't trust it. Very true about being secure in yourself but I never have been so not a clue how to do that. What do we do when I'm the abuser? Mentally more than anything else. I don't set out to be horrible, he'll say he likes me and wants to be with me but then he'll completely ignore me and only reply to my messages when I get * * * * *y, I've gotten so used to him being cold to me that I'm mean to him I suppose as a defence mechanism.