I want to call her husband - BAD

[SLMitchell918]

Okay - So a few months ago my husband had a "thing" with a coworker. Well - I have all the information I could want on her and now that I have her phone number and her husbands name - I want to call her husband and let him know. Badly. At first - I wasn't so dead set on it, but now I really want to. I know that this woman had a baby july the 21 and started cheating on her husband in the end of october on a man that was married and had a pregnant wife. I want to burn her and cause a little ruffles in her marriage like she did mine.

 

I think her husband should honestly know. This woman goes home and everything is a ok~! But I have to deal with the pain daily.

 

Am I being selfish? Would it be wrong to contact this man, even though my husband does not want me to? I REALLY want to so badly though, why? I wasn't like this at first, but now five months later its like im not as hurt but just very angry.

[avman]

I think unless you really enjoy drama you should not inform her husband. What possible good would come of this unless you are just seeking revenge. Hasn't there already been enough pain and suffering? Why deliberately cause more?

 

Let this other woman deal with the consequences of her actions. You need to be working on dealing with your husband and trying to repair your marriage.

 

If you really have some anger that needs to be released, go to the gym and hit a heavy bag for awhile.

[xblondyx]

Of course your going to feel this way! She had an affair with your husband which has really hurt you....and she's fine about it and her husband is blissfully ignorant!!

Of course you want to hurt her the same way as she's hurt you! But just think, if you tell her husband it's just going to cause more heartache and more drama.

 

 

I can't really advise you on what to do though, i guess it's up to you.

[thoughts]

are you still with your husband??? and you are still listening to your husband? i dont' really think you have the right to ruin anyone elses life? i think you need to focus on your own hurt before you go out there to cause others hurt.

[RayKay]

I think it's generally advised not to do this, because for one it only recycles all the drama, and it is vindicative. Sure maybe she deserves it - but her husband and her baby don't. Nor do you know what really is going on in their marriage, maybe he already knows and they are working through it..maybe he does the same, maybe they have an agreement. Likely he may not believe you anyway.

 

It would be different if you were close friends with her husband, but I really think you need to just work on your own family, and let things work out as they are meant to in hers.

 

Channel that anger into your workouts or some creative art, but I think calling him would only rehash everything. Go to counselling! You still have not done that, right?

 

There is a general desire from the betrayed spouse to punish the one whom messed with their partner, and while that person is not in the right either, you really need to be dealing with your partner directly, and working on healing THAT betrayal of trust. I think the fact you feel this much anger is a good sign you and your hubby still have a lot of work to do (counselling!).

 

Let each family work on their own issues. And things will work themselves out in hers in time.

[friscodj]

I want to burn her and cause a little ruffles in her marriage like she did mine.

 

What goes around comes around. I can only imagine you're beyond upset, but believe justice will happen on its own...because it will...

 

I think you should be focusing on your marriage rather than someone else's. Is everything OK with what you've got after this situation? You mention you experience a lot of pain with this...

[WildChild]

Avman, RayKay and frisco are all correct. You will be inflicting pain on this man and their child. Secondly, you have endured a lot, and you are no where near healing. You need to get into counseling. The affair is over, the pain is not. You have to decide how to get through this without the feeling of resentment and vindictiveness. Third, what comes around goes around. Her day will come in some shape, form or fashion. It always does. And finally, you and your husband are concentrating on your marriage and your family. Although his behavior was wrong in all definitions of the word, you are not going to score any points in your husband or the reconcilliation of your marriage if you go behind his back and do this.

 

Please seek counseling.

[SLMitchell918]

Everything is okay with my husband and I. But its just a painful experience. I guess the reason I'm upset is because I just had a daughter and I cant believe this woman did and was cheating on her husband with my husband. Its just very hard. I know that it is wrong to contact her and believe me, i probably wont, but man! I have the worse feelings about doing it now.

 

At first, I was like - Its not her fault , my husband should have been man enough to turn her down and was all about saving my marriage.

 

Now i'm like - SHe knew I was pregnant at the time and even gave me clothes for our daughter. Plus my husband still has to work with her. I'm just angry at her. I've already expressed my angry towards my husband and we are constantly dealing with it. We are doing counciling now RayKay. We actually have a family member that has a degree in that area.

 

I guess these feelings are normal, but I tell you what - I hope she gets hers because shes made my life hell.

[avman]

Your feelings of anger are totally normal. But be the bigger person and don't inflict unnecessary pain on others. You'll feel remorse about it later. Be proud and hold your head up high. You don't need to stoop to that level.

 

And I was serious about working out that anger in the gym. You need to release it somehow and exercise is an awesome way to do that. You'll feel much much better.

[SLMitchell918]

thanks everyone. I really dont think I would have been able to do it mainly because of her daughter. I just wish she would have thought about my daughter that was growing in my stomach at the time. I swear I"m not a revengeful person. Im just having a 'moment'

[arwen]

Hey, I think you should stay out of the life of your husbands mistress. Friscodj is right, what goes around comes around. Let the universe take care of her (start believing in karma), and take care of your own life instead. How did you manage to still be with your husband anyway? Are you guys in therapy?

 

Ilse

[OceanEyes]

I'd be much more upset with my husband in this case. I can totally understand your feelings of being angry, and to be honest, I probably WOULD consider telling her husband (although I doubt I could actually do it). Try to work through your own pain though, seriously. You're obviously not "fine" with this, and believe me, I'd be even less understanding (out the door, more like).

 

Her poor husband.

[SLMitchell918]

Yeh Ilse, My husband and I are in therapy. Sometimes its a struggle to be with my husband everyday, but I do know that he regrets it very deeply so I try to use to push me. I believe if him and this woman had sex, I would have left him, but I caught it when it first started.

 

I can't say that I dont have days when I wake up and tell myself - Why don't i just get a divorce? If he loved me, he would have never done this to me and what stops him from doing it again - But I dont always feel this way and i truly believe he made a huge mistake , its just trying to figure out if he learned from it.

[SLMitchell918]

OceanEyes, Thanks. I'm glad you can at least understand why i"m so tempted to say something ( not that I actually every would ) but just very tempted. I"m angry at the whole situation and at both parties envolved. I sometimes wonder if I would have ended it if i hadn't been 7 1/2 months pregnant when I found out. I think I might have. But I felt like I should give him once more chance because I knew he would totally turn around when he saw his daughter -which he did.

 

Trust is very hard to earn back once its been broken though. He knows I dont trust him like i use to so hes always accounting for his time and is very open.

 

I

[WildChild]

I have been exactly where you are so it is not a point of not understanding your anger. However, I don't think you are concentrating on saving your marriage. You are concentrating on their affair. At the end of the day, are you happy that you are still married to him or resentful that he did this to you? If you still feel that if he really loved you he would have never done this to you, then you should have left when you found out, preganant or not.

[RayKay]

I have been exactly where you are so it is not a point of not understanding your anger. However, I don't think you are concentrating on saving your marriage. You are concentrating on their affair. At the end of the day, are you happy that you are still married to him or resentful that he did this to you? If you still feel that if he really loved you he would have never done this to you, than you should have left when you found out, preganant or not.

 

Agree with Wild, I too understand WHY you feel the need, but that does not make it the right thing to do.

 

Why don't you bring this desire up with your therapist?

[southerngirl]

I'd have a real hard time not telling her. But I guess they are right *goes away now*

[DN]

Many, many marriages survive infidelity and the Google pages below have many pages of advice and ways to overcome it.

 

link removed

 

Your anger at both of them is understandable but, if you want your marriage to last, at some point you have to get past that and channel all that energy into repairing what went wrong.

 

That means knowing why he cheated and what he can do to convince you that he will not do it again. He has a lot of work to do in that regard.

 

But for you the hardest part will be looking at yourself and recognising and accepting any part you had to play in all of this. That is not to say that he was justified in any respect in what he did. But something made him cheat and if your actions or behaviour played any part in that, no matter how small, that needs to be addressed as well as his behaviour.

 

It is very easy and entirely understandable to place all the blame on him because he cheated - but that will not serve you if there is anything you need to adjust within yourself. Again, this is not to blame you or excuse him. But it is an essential part of repairing the marriage,

[WildChild]

Well said DN. I feel horrible for what you have went through, and I too was preganant when my ex's affair started. Regardless of all of that, I realized that I had many imperfections in the marriage. Some people will never be faithful, however many times affairs begin for something that is happening within the relationship. You were going through a difficult time during your pregnancy, and although we can all see how hard that can be, he may have been only seeing his side and not fully taking into consideration your situation as being pregnant and having to stay on bed rest. The only thing I can tell you is this: when a person continues to focus on the negative, it begins to cloud over the positives. He is trying, you two are in therapy. Those two things alone are positive. Don't let his stupid, foolish "mistake" ruin what should be a happy time for you two with your newborn baby and the "newborn" of reconcilliation. Concentrate on your marriage, and your family. Continue your counseling. You have a right to be angry but as I mentioned in one of your other posts at some point you are going to have to get past it. Only your determination will allow that to happen. Are you determined?

[fishrrshortae]

Most people have said it so I'll just add it. Telling the husband isn't going to hurt her. It'll hurt HIM. And it might even break up their family.

 

Your husband should not be working with this woman, however. If possible, can he switch jobs/departments??? If not, he could at least do everything possible to make sure that he's regaining your trust ...

[NW Homey]

I agree with this part of him not being around her. Everything I have read says they should not only end it immediately but should never see that person again even if it means changing jobs. I have been in your shoes recently. This was my wifes second offense in approx 20 years. We have both had to stop and look at our part in all of this and see what changes we need to make within ourselves. Whether you stay together or part you need to find out if there is something you do or something about yourself that you need to work on for the betterment of any relationship you will be in. In my case I have told her I cannot take another hurt like that. She has made many changes as have I, but I could never take another incedent of infidelity on her part. WE are making plans for the family financial security and making the plans for divorce. She has been cooperating completely. We have 3 young children that we have already determine will see both of us on a regular basis and have access to both anytime they feel a need. Children should never be the injured parties in a divorce.

[SLMitchell918]

I am truly not mad at my husband anymore. I get moments still where I feel totally hurt but I've been told that it is normal to feel that way and may feel that way for awhile. I can forgive but I will never forget.

 

This woman - Kerri, put in a transfer into another department ( he told me this ) mainly because my husband started to ignore her after our daughter was born. He did a total 180 when he saw his daughter. Is that normal - From a guys stand point? Its like when he saw his daughter he realized what he almost lost. He has reassured me completely that he no longer talks to her. Things between us are much better. I am trusting him more as time goes by. Mainly because he has to show me that I can trust him. The things that gave his emotional cheating away was him not calling me on his breaks at work anymore. That might sound goofy but I knew something was up. So i checked his cell phone and found the text messages. Now he calls me 3 times a day at work and checks on me and savannah ( i bring my daughter to work with me ) He can't do anything different, hes sorry and I know he is.

 

I have asked him contionusly what I did to drive him towards another woman - he says nothing everytime - even in therapy. He blames it on stupidity and not thinking. I believe something dealing with the pregnancy did it to him. When I found out about his infidelity, he was like another man.

 

I hate that I was tempted to call her husband. I didn't really think about inflicting pain on him or her child. I guess I'm truly going to have to believe in Karma because what she did was wrong and she makes me sick to my stomach. I feel sorry for her husband though because I believe she will probably do it again. He knew nothing about this emotional affair. She snuck around at night to go out of her way to let my husband know if he could call her cell phone if he was gone or they would txt each other on the phone. He knows NOTHING about it. Poor guy.

 

When I first found out, she went out of her way to block her number when she called my husband because she didn't want me to call her cell phone ( even though I know the number) At first, I would have never called her husband. I still don't believe I would, but Ive had it pop in my head several times.

 

For the posters about the innocent child, well - that can go both ways. My child is innocent too, and she didn't think about her one bit. NOr did she give me any consideration.

[WildChild]

NOr did she give me any consideration.

 

And seldom do they ever.

[Hope75]

SL,

 

 

Personally I would hold more anger towards my husband than this other woman. Yes, what she did was wrong, she is married and was betraying her own spouse as well as flirting/messing with a married man, but she has no obligation to you- no concern for your feelings other than consideration for another human being- which we all hope to have.

 

Your husband, on the other hand, took vows with you and was the one who ultimately betrayed you and your child.

 

I am not trying to stir up a hornet's nest here, I know you said you have forgiven your husband and it sounds like since your daughter was born he is really trying to show you he's committed to working things out- but let the anger go towards this other woman if you can.

 

You husband is more to blame from your side of things and since you've forgiven him, maybe it's time to let her go too.

 

Karma will take care of them both in the end.

[Rabican]

Tell him.. Its the truth right? If you are 110% sure then go right ahead and tell him.

 

Dont tell him if you may be wrong... dont wreck someones life if you could be mistaken that their "thing" was just friendship.

 

But if she really cheated on him, well she made her bed let her lie in it.