difference between Love & Obsession??

[monsieur]

How do you tell the difference between love and obsession?

 

I am head over heels crazy about a girl, think about her all the time.

 

I don't really think there is a difference between love and obsession.

[tmp0620]

There is definitely a difference between love and obsession. I know what obsession is, I've been crazy about the same girl for 8 years, but I know that to say I'm in love with her wouldn't be right. I think that the only way to become obsessed with someone is if you aren't close the them, and in my opinion love requires proximity. Could it turn into love? I think it could, but as long as you're obsessed you're not in love. If you wanna be in love then get to know that girl better.

[monsieur]

what if you have proximity, but the girl doesn't love you back nearly the same, more like just likes you alot, but you are head over heels in love with her..... what would then make the difference between love and obsession? I still think they are one and the same emotion inside, just different words to interpret the same emotions.

[tmp0620]

If you do have the proximity and you know her pretty well then I'd say, yeah I guess you could be in love (or something near it).

 

But I still don't agree that love and obsession are the same thing.

 

Obsession - Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety. (from link removed)

 

Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. (link removed)

 

So I think you're in love and I'm obsessed. IMO neither of us are both. The two terms just don't really work together. An obsession is an unwatned feeling where as love is wanted.

 

For example, my feeling for the girl I've been into are unwanted (sort of), because ,for example, it pains me to even talk about it right now.

[monsieur]

thanks for the reply

 

I'm still not completely convinced of the definition in my mind

 

I want her, I want the feelings, so in my mind it is love, but some friends of mine think I am obsessed.

 

And it seems like love is always accompanied by painful emotions.... it is hard to be in love.

[tmp0620]

Okay, well if you talk to her all the time, know her, get along with her, and just CAN'T get her off your mind than if you ask me you are either in "love" with her, or you're infatuated.

 

Obsessive is a good word for it, but that's not REALLY what obsessive means. I think obsessive has more of a distressed, anxious, not so good feeling about it. It's got a negative connotation, which the word love lacks completely.

[monsieur]

I agree with you, I am totally infatuated with her. I don't really feel like there is a difference in the base emotion inside me between infatuated and love, just the fact that it could be called infatuated because the love is not returned.

 

Emotionally I think all the ingredients inside are the same (except maybe for the pain and stress of being in love with someone that doesn't love you back)

[tmp0620]

I agree with your last post completely.

 

I will agree that love, infatuation and obsession all share some characteristics.

 

All I know for sure is that obsession looks a lot like this: ](*,)

 

 

How do you know she doesn't like you the same way?

[tmp0620]

For the record

 

Infatuation - A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. See Synonyms at love (link removed)

 

Lists love as a synonym, though the meanings aren't exactly the same.

[monsieur]

she told me in plain english that she just wants to be friends

 

it just about killed me, I was kind of expecting it, but it still hit hard, I was a little stunned as she was telling me, I managed to stammer a few sentences like "well, I had hope deep inside that it could turn into more", but she was adamant and said that she didn't give me indications that should have given me hope...... it seems like women can do the write you off as a friendship only thing right off the bat so easily, and they are happy with that, whereas me as a guy falls more and more for the girl

[tmp0620]

I know exactly what you mean. They really know how to tear a guy's heart out (or maybe they don't know and they do it by accident, but they're good at it none-the-less). At least you know where you stand though.

 

The girl I'm obsessed with still hasn't managed to turn me down even though I'm about 99.9% sure she's not into me. It's the 0.1% that kills me.

 

Painful stuff. Makes me want to pour myself a screwdriver.

[monsieur]

lol I feel exactly the same, even though she told me straight out I still have a part of me that is hoping, I rationalize to myself that maybe it wasn't the right time or something and if I play it right that somehow someday her heart will change........ she told me that she listens to her heart and that is why she wants to be friends only, she said her heart tells her from the start and that it has nothing to do with the way I am or anything I could have done...... I dunno... sounds like mumbo jumbo to me, not the way my heart works, I sometimes think that women have to reject guys all their lives so they end up playing games even in their own minds......

[tmp0620]

"I sometimes think that women have to reject guys all their lives so they end up playing games even in their own minds......"

 

Yeah I agree. Women are almost always in a position to choose since guys traditionally have to make the "move". Sucks for us.

 

It would be hypocritical for me to try to give you advice, but I'm going to anyway .

 

Squash the hope. Just do what you can to get your mind off of her. At the same time though, who knows? If you keep hanging around her I don't see why she couldn't change her mind. Just be mellow about it cause trust me, you don't want to end up in the same position I am.

[monsieur]

Yeah, it is a tough situation. Forgetting about her and avoiding her would probably be wise, but that would be completely denying my heart. Even though she told me there is no chance, I still refuse to lose hope (I'm too scared to tell her I still have hope after our last 'talk' because I worry SHE might cut me off).... .so I have to continue on, hoping and dreaming that her heart will all of the sudden feel that twinge of love for me.

 

I'm in a confused state though as I feel like I would need to flirt or keep pressing, even subtly, but in a friend state like we are in flirting from me would come accross as very awkward.

[Prenkle]

I ask myself the following questions:

 

1. If the one I'm falling for becomes the ugliest person on Earth, would I still want to be with that person?

 

2. If the one I'm falling for cheats on me, would I be able to forgive him and still want to be with that person?

 

If I say "yes" to both questions without hesitation, then I love him. If I hesitate, then I don't love him.

[monsieur]

wow, I am a little disturbed by your criteria, I for one think that if someone were to cheat that they were not worthy of the love in the first place, and should not be forgiven

 

the ugly one holds true though, you should really deeply care about the person that is inside, not the physical only

[CarnelianButterfly]

she told me that she listens to her heart and that is why she wants to be friends only, she said her heart tells her from the start and that it has nothing to do with the way I am or anything I could have done...... I dunno... sounds like mumbo jumbo to me, not the way my heart works, I sometimes think that women have to reject guys all their lives so they end up playing games even in their own minds......

 

You're not in love with her. This little blurb you posted makes that very clear to me. Because if you did love her you would respect her choices and her feelings and not just write them off as some fallacy due to her being woman, thats not only immature on your part, but a true indication that you are fixated on her and lack the reasoning to see beyond that. She's rejected you and you continue to pursue her, thats obsession.

[tmp0620]

Carnelian Butterfly,

I'm going to have to disagree with you heartily. This isn't about respecting her decision. It's not so easy to just stop feeling something for someone.

 

If he's pretty good friends with her and they get along pretty well than why couldn't it be love?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Carnelian Butterfly,

I'm going to have to disagree with you heartily. This isn't about respecting her decision. It's not so easy to just stop feeling something for someone.

 

If he's pretty good friends with her and they get along pretty well than why couldn't it be love?

 

How is love not about respecting someone's decision. Love is allowing that person to be who they are and not wanting them to change to meet your expectations. Love may grow from friendship, but when someone has repeatedly told you that they do not love you and your response is "Oh, well its just something wrong right now, she'll change..." how can you call that love. I've been there, I know how it feels and at best it is a false love, it is at worst obsession. There is nothing good that can come of being the unrequited lover who follows them like a wraith because eventually you will come to resent your feelings and to resent the object of your affections. You will begin to resent that you pour so much of your heart into it and receive nothing in return. It is not healthy to love someone who does not love you. It is wasteful of your time and your sanity.

[monsieur]

yeah, it sucks when Love is supposed to be an emotion of pure goodness, yet it causes so much internal pain, much more so when it is unrequited

 

It is impossible to deny your own heart though, and I do 'respect' her decision, although I still cling to hope deep inside.... but I would never disrespect her by trying to force anything, I give her all the space she wants, the awkward thing is that she knows that I am crazy for her so I think she wants more space just to try and cool me off, but it backfires as when we are apart I think about her all the time.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

This is really a sad story but it doesn't have to be.

 

she told me in plain english that she just wants to be friends

You are going to have to take this for what it is. Ask yourself, is there anything that makes you know that she can change her mind. Is there any clue or are you just hoping? A friend of mine had the same type of feelings you have for this girl. My friend was so in love with this guy that she did everything in her power to get him to like her more than a friend. But he said all he wants to do is be friends. Unfortunately for her, the only way she accepted this was when he got married. Like a ton of bricks. If she had accepted this earlier, she wouldn't have been so depressed as she was.

 

I managed to stammer a few sentences like "well, I had hope deep inside that it could turn into more", but she was adamant and said that she didn't give me indications that should have given me hope

Don't torture yourself and move on, please, for your sake. Life will pass you by as the days turn to months and the months turn to years.

 

it seems like women can do the write you off as a friendship only thing right off the bat so easily, and they are happy with that, whereas me as a guy falls more and more for the girl

It does suck. But you are not being fair to her. I am afraid that if you bring it up again and again, she may to have to roll up her sleeves and get down and dirty. I hope you don't have to go through that. How often do you bring it up and when you do, does she get agitated?

[monsieur]

I stopped bringing it up when she 'rolled up her sleeves' last time couple weeks ago... since then I just make myself available to her if she needs absolutely anything, I stopped outright suggestions of getting together but I still tell her stuff like, "in a month when it warms up maybe we can go for long walks on the beach or something?"... she tends to ignore it when I put something like that in an email... so I guess I am continuing the subtle suggestions to let her know that I am far from being over with being head over heels for her, it seems to annoy her a bit. I have basically told her that if she ever wants to do anything at all that I can be there at any time 7 days a week 24 hours no notice, call me and I'm there.

 

as far as resentment, I don't think I could ever resent, it is more like an inner 'anxiety', I feel this way, yet know it is unrequited, so it turns out to be an internal struggle with my heart and also the feeling of rejection, I feel like my insides are in a blender alot of the time, it is hard

[CarnelianButterfly]

I stopped bringing it up when she 'rolled up her sleeves' last time couple weeks ago... since then I just make myself available to her if she needs absolutely anything, I stopped outright suggestions of getting together but I still tell her stuff like, "in a month when it warms up maybe we can go for long walks on the beach or something?"... she tends to ignore it when I put something like that in an email... so I guess I am continuing the subtle suggestions to let her know that I am far from being over with being head over heels for her, it seems to annoy her a bit.

Thats not subtle, that's something a boyfriend asks his girlfriend. It annoys her because you're constantly reminding her that you want more than friends. Even if its once a month, its too much, stop saying things like that all together, just be her friend.

[tmp0620]

"Love is allowing that person to be who they are and not wanting them to change to meet your expectations. Love may grow from friendship, but when someone has repeatedly told you that they do not love you and your response is "Oh, well its just something wrong right now, she'll change..." how can you call that love."

 

What you're describing in the first sentence is a loving relationship, not love itself. Love can exist even if it's not mutual IMO. Like I said before, it's not easy to just stop feeling something. It's not like he can just decide that he doesn't feel the same way anymore in order to "respect her decision".

 

"It is not healthy to love someone who does not love you. It is wasteful of your time and your sanity."

 

I totally agree with that.

 

 

 

'"in a month when it warms up maybe we can go for long walks on the beach or something?"'

 

Yeah that's not subtle at all and that's a bit creepy to continue making suggestions like that. Leave her alone and just be friends with her. She could change her mind someday, but I guarantee you it won't EVER happen if you continue to make "subtle" suggestions like that.

[yeawutever]

Love is caring for a person while at the same time you do care about your other priorities. Obsession is when you find yourself constently thinking of only that person while your functions are getting affect (ex. losing your job, dropping in your grades, not paying your bills, etc.) If that get son the way, then you have a serious issue. Obsession is when you find yourself saying that you can not live without her/him, meaning that you can't be independent and you finding yourself not doing your other priorities.