Coming out to parents

[The Hanged Man]

My story at the moment.

 

I am 25 and currently in a controlling r/ship and I am about to leave my partner, praise God. Anyway, I came out recently to some friends and a few of my cousins and I asked them to promise me not to tell anyone else, I wanted to do it. Well of course then everyone knew, even people I didn't know, knew I was gay! My cousins kept their promises though. I actually couldn't believe how many people admitted to me to being bi after they found out I was gay. The only scary incident was I suddenly had a gay stalker who knew EVERYTHING I was doing, it was scary. I found out it was someone I didn't know, but they knew everything about me.

 

 

My problem is telling my family. I have a younger brother who is gay and he came out really early and now I feel like I cannot possibly hurt my mother by telling her that now 2 of her 4 sons are gay. I just really don't know what to do but I do drop some hints occasionally.

 

Can anyone help me with some suggestions or something that might make it easier? Please tell me how you came out to parents, your mother especially.

 

I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

[Scout]

I'm not gay, but I just wanted to post on here and let you know I hope you receive some great feedback. You clearly have a difficult problem here, but it's one countless others have faced as well, so bottom line, you'll get through it.

 

Best of luck, and also, many congratulations on making the decision to get out of a relationship that is clearly not good for you.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

How did your parents react to your brother's confession?

[FoxLocke]

Hanged Man I am going through the samething. I'm still not out to my mother...

However, I am getting these little subtle hints from her that she might already know.

You don't have to rush making a huge announcement to your mom, but chances are she will already know or atleast have an idea.

Mom knew you in the womb...So she will notice any little thing that seems odd about you.

 

hmmm, Maybe I should just tell my mom too? I just don't feel brave enough to do it yet.

 

I know how you feel.

[Prufrock06]

Glad to hear that you're getting out of that controlling relationship!

 

In regards to coming out to my parents, it was kind of different for the both of them -- I came out to everyone around me last October (wow, has it been that long? haha I had come home from school for a weekend with the intention of coming out to both of them (my sisters had already known for a few weeks). I remember that even though I didn't have to, I woke up early to see my dad and sisters off to work and school respectively, and I sat down in the living room with my dad (he was doing a bit of work before getting ready to leave for office) and I remember kind of segueing into the conversation by telling him there was something important I needed to get off his chest but I was afraid of how he would react. Then I chickened out and said I would tell him when he came home from work, just to buy myself some extra time. But he kept pestering me (in a very concerned way) about what was so important that I needed to tell him and eventually he asked, "what, are you gay?" and then I said yes. He was shocked, of course, but he said that was okay and that, though he didn't agree with it from a personal point of view, he still loved me and he stresses that his opinion of homosexuality doesn't change the fact that I'm his son and he loves me. I felt kind of bad pinning him down before work, but when I picked him up from the Metro that afternoon we had a nice long talk in the car and he told me that he didn't think about my announcement as much as I probably thought he did.

 

With my mother, who was out of town when I was visiting, it was a little different. She stopped by my college on the way back home and met me for lunch. I did the same kind of, "theres something I need to tell you but it can wait until after lunch" deal and, like my dad, she pestered me into telling her. So I told her at a restaurant while we were waiting for our lunch. My mother is generally depressed (something she is starting to work on, thankfully) and not very good at expressing emotions, talking about her feelings, etc...so when I told her, she did get teary-eyed but, like my dad, said that she loved me and said that it must have been really hard to keep that bottled up all this time. I also remember she said that she always thought there was something different about me...I think, however, that she is slowly coming around in terms of starting to talk with me about it. Apparently she did have a period of crying and mourning for her phantom grandchildren that she won't have from my loins (even though I have two young and, as far as I know, fertile sisters) but then fast-forward to this spring break, when she asked me about my first trip to a gay club with somewhat of a genuine interest.

 

So hanged-man, it might take some time for your parents to adjust to the fact that you're gay (especially if they haven't seen it coming) and yeah, it is pretty freaking scary when you're on the verge of coming out to your parents. As others have suggested, go at your own pace -- make sure its at a time and place of your own choosing and that you've kind of practiced what you want to say in your head. You could also think about writing them a letter, if that's easier for you. It all depends on how well you communicate with your parents. For me, it was just my time to come out (as cliched as that sounds) and I really had no choice but to just get the information out there, reactions be dam*ed. And I guess it worked out pretty well -- my parents and I still have some communication issues about my sexuality (ie. I wish I could confide in them how I feel most of the time), but we still get along the same way we used to, as if there was really nothing different. Perhaps when I bring a boyfriend home and stop being gay in theory and start being gay in practice (haha) this might change -- but we're both in our early twenties and we've earned the right to be our own individual selves, right?

 

Hope this helps! Feel free to PM if you need anything!

[The Hanged Man]

Thanks Scout for your message!

 

Kyoshiro, the bad part is, my gay brother made ME tell my mum he was gay! I had to come out FOR HIM, now I have to do it for myself! Mum went really quiet and she was a bit withdrawn for a week or so, but she got over it quickly. Now, she always makes jokes about my brother and him being gay, not really bad jokes, but I wouldn't like them being said about me! She may only make jokes about him because he is very effeminate and has a full on lisp happening and he only started talking like that after he came out, whereas I'm the total opposite to him.

 

Foxlocke, my mother does the same thing. She drops little hints but she always minds her own business, which suits me fine!

 

I don't want to tell her I'm gay because I do have some attraction to girls. Probably 90% of my preference is for guys, 10% is for girls. Does this make me bi, or am I gay because the majority of my preference is for guys? I'm so confused. I generally just refer to myself as gay because I like guys lots more. Could I have please peoples opinions on this?

 

In conclusion, I think I will tell her I'm bi, this is so much easier to do and it won't be so hard on her.

[The Hanged Man]

Prufrock, thanks for posting your story, it was great! You are blessed to be able to tell your parents like that, they sound great.

 

I forgot to mention I have some communication difficulties with my mother and we clash majorly and are often arguing; well, she argues with me anyway.

I would love nothing more than to be able to talk to her about relationships etc but if I spoke to her about guys she'd tell me to shut up. She won't listen to my brother tell her stuff, it grosses her out...

[OutingMyself]

Hey Hanged Man,

 

what about talking to your brother about this? Does he know that you are also gay? I mean he could be a good ally - give you support, advice and, actually, help you with what you are already helped him with!

 

Hang Man, I hope you don't mind asking some advice for me as well since it has to do with coming out to parents.

I am going home for Easter and, yes, I have decided to come out to my parents and my brother (my sister has known for a couple of months now). Fact is, do I tell my parents together or do I talk first with one and then to the other?

Hang Man, what were you thinking of doing? And who has alredy been through this, any advice? THANKS-

[The Hanged Man]

Hey Hanged Man,

 

what about talking to your brother about this? Does he know that you are also gay? I mean he could be a good ally - give you support, advice and, actually, help you with what you are already helped him with!

 

Hang Man, I hope you don't mind asking some advice for me as well since it has to do with coming out to parents.

I am going home for Easter and, yes, I have decided to come out to my parents and my brother (my sister has known for a couple of months now). Fact is, do I tell my parents together or do I talk first with one and then to the other?

Hang Man, what were you thinking of doing? And who has alredy been through this, any advice? THANKS-

 

I don't get along with my brother very much...we're a very different breed. Before he came out he was ok, since then he's got a real attitude problem. When he came out to me first (I was the first person he told), I did mention that I had slept with both guys and girls so he didn't feel like he was the only one, so he thinks I am bi and I will keep it this way. With my mother, I have been thinking heavily about this and I am not going to go for the dramatic coming out, but I am going to mention it casually in a conversation, taking the drama out of it. I don't have a father to tell which makes it a lot easier.

 

OutingMyself, I think your best bet would be to do the same, with both your parents at the same time. This'll take half the pressure off as you don't have to go through it twice. Your best bet would be to bring up the topic of relationships and love and if/when they ask if you're in a r/ship or in love, casually mention your orientation like it is no big deal. This is how I did it with my friends and they were just like 'yeah, cool!' and that was that! I know parents will react differently, but if you don't act like it's dramatic, they won't act so dramatically.

 

I know each person may be different, but I believe this is the most harmless approach and you're still coming out, but it takes a lot of the anxiety out of gathering the courage to actually say it.

 

Good luck

[OutingMyself]

Hey, thanks for the advice.

And good luck to you too

[FoxLocke]

I don't want to tell her I'm gay because I do have some attraction to girls. Probably 90% of my preference is for guys, 10% is for girls. Does this make me bi, or am I gay because the majority of my preference is for guys? I'm so confused. I generally just refer to myself as gay because I like guys lots more. Could I have please peoples opinions on this?

 

Hmmm...Well I cannot tell you what your sexuality is, only you can answer that. However, I can relate. I still find women very physically appealing. Being gay doesn't mean that you can't appreciate the pulchritude within members of the opposite sex...Like me, I'm about 99% gay and the rest I'm attracted to beautiful airbrushed movie starlets...heh.

Maybe you are gay or even bi...But take your time figuring it out. It isn't mandatory to have a label.

[RayKay]

My brother came out when he was about 18, it was no surprise to my sister and I really, it was one of those "oh, well that explains a lot of things" moments...but it was a shock to my mum!

 

I think at first she went through just a period of wondering if she had done something, and being worried for him in life, but honestly, she turned out to be incredibly supportive. She started going to PFLAG meetings, learned it was not soemthing she did, marched with him in Pride Parades, even joined the Pride Committee here.

 

My brother had a few bf's and they were always welcome in the home, and his long term partner now is totally part of the family. My mother talks to both of them frequently though they now live in another province and adores my brother's partner just like another son!

 

My parents are divorced, and my bio dad is a bit of a redneck, but even he totally accepted it, and invites my brother and his partner over now and then.

 

I don't know if there is an "easy" way to do it. I think just sit down with her, and talk to her. Explain you did not hide it from her to hurt her, but because you were worried about her, especially with your brother already coming out, but that you love her, and want her to know whom you are...

 

On the plus side, your mom has gone through it before with your brother, but of course it may also have her surprised, and sad, and worried. My mother when she found out my brother was gay was worried my sister also was (as she had not had many bfs...but she wasn't, and she was only 16 at the time anyway so had not dated much!). For some reason she did not suspect me though..I guess I had dated too many boys . I do think telling your family would probably ease a huge burden from your shoulders though, and improve the communication between you and your family.

 

 

She may never want to hear the details, I mean most mothers don't even want to hear details of their children with opposite sex partners, but I do hope in time she will be accepting and loving of your choices, and of a partner you in the future bring into your life.

 

P.S. Glad you are getting out of the controlling relationship!