Very confusing break up

[aaaaaa]

About last December my GF came to me and asked what i thought of a break.. i instinctively said, breaks are just the beginning of the end. she said she knew plenty of people they helped out and felt like she needed one. when i asked why she said

 

-she thought we spent too much time together and were getting aggrevated at eachother

-we were fighting over stupid crap

-she was really stressed and had recently gotten in very big fights with her best friends.

 

well, the break went on for about 5 months. all the while she never wanted to talk about us and whenever i brought it up it would really piss her off. she wanted to have a break where we hungout all the time but just didnt call it going out. it was killing me, sometimes i felt very depressed and we would get into arguments about the break and why i thought it was stupid/wrong etc.. and she would even sometimes say, "now the break is just going to take longer". she said i love you all the time during the break and we would still even have sex a few times a month. but a few days ago she decided we arent going out anymore. that she just doesnt have time for a boyfriend and her number 1 priority is school/career/future and she doesnt want the obligation of a bf. of course i was devastated after going through 5 months of hell already. she very much wants me to be in her life. im not sure if i can handle just being friends with her, my feelings are too strong to be around her as just some other guy. she even tells me that she still likes me and will always have a thing for me. she came over yesterday out of the blue and layed on top of me and tried to play fight with me and was all happy-go-lucky. i have no idea what to do, i want to be with her more than anything. do you think her reasons for the breakup are "right"? or even honest? should i be friends with her? do you think she'll want to get back together? should i?

 

thankyou

[DN]

Go no contact - hubman wrote a great post about it here:

 

[robowarrior]

Get real.

 

Even in the bible they said, be hot or be cold , but not lukewarm because then i will vomit you out of my life, it was something like that. A relationship should be either on or off, nothing in between, only both of you will get hurted, confused and not knowing what you two have in terms of support on eachother. When doubt becomes the corner stone of your relationship, things will start to crumble, and its exactly this what has happened to your feelings.

 

Just in case, only put love and light into eachothers lives, you got together with the thought ' i want to be with her so i can make her life miserable?' no you two are together to make eachothers lives happy, small arguments can lead to big break ups, and if you don't think its worth it, then you shouldn't risk it in a situation where two partners upset eachother by telling eachother horrible things.

[Scout]

im not sure if i can handle just being friends with her, my feelings are too strong to be around her as just some other guy.

 

Trust me, you're not going to be able to handle this. Who would?? Seriously, who would want to be demoted from boyfriend to "the guy that she can fall back on when she needs an ego boost or someone to make her feel better after a bad day." Because let me tell you, it won't work both ways. That is, you won't be able to depend on her for the same in return.

 

Oh, and when she does meet a new guy she wants to date...unless you can listen to her talk all about him with a big smile on your face the whole time, she will quickly drop you as her "friend."

 

Basically, your real relationship with this girl ended five months ago. It's time to make a real plan to move on, my friend.

[aaaaaa]

that's tough to hear. i feel as if i've known it all along though. what's crappy about this is she tells me i'm a great boyfriend and her friends are always complementing me on being a good guy and i've heard them talking about how lucking my gf is/was to have me. it's very strange how so many people have left her side this year and she still manages to push me away. i was an idiot, i let the things she said keep me hopeful all the way through. i even bought her a 200$ necklace on vday (she gave me something pretty expensive as well). i would do anything for her at the drop of a hat, i guess as a ploy to get on her good side. turns out it's all bull * * * * anyways. i would love to have her back, but she'll have to decide that on her own terms..

 

now for more advice please... so we've talked a few times since the official break up... how do i tell her im going NC with her, what can and cant i say? right now i just want to tell her i cant be friends with her because my feelings are too strong for her and it will never let me get over the fact that you dont want to be with me anymore.

[aaaaaa]

on another note.. what do you think of her always being much nicer to me after huge blowups?

 

a few weeks before vday i got really angry at her and lectured her on love/life and said all the things she is doing is bull * * * * etc etc.. i actually dont quite remember it. but, the next day she was so incredibly nice to me... it was unbelievable. the attention she was giving me slowly faded back to crap. she is doing it again after the break up too. just without all the i love you's. she asked me if i wanted to go to a movie last night and if i would go with her to get her belly button pierced. she hadnt invited me anywhere for almost a month... what the hell?

[Rebel]

Don't tell her, just do it.

[DN]

I think you should tell her and why, that way everything is clear and she should not be bothering you with a whole lot of messages asking what's wrong.

[Scout]

I think you should tell her and why, that way everything is clear and she should not be bothering you with a whole lot of messages asking what's wrong.

 

Agreed. Just remember, you only have to tell her once.

[pete2002]

hey man,

 

i actually used to use this forum to get advice, about a year and a half ago when i was going through a real hard break up. your story sounds a lot like mine. and i often didnt listen when people gave me advice, because i only heard what i wanted to hear, but i'll give it to you straight.

 

yes, sure, there is a chance you guys may work out. but not now. she is taking your for granted. you are there to fall back on. you are great, but shes looking for greater (at this point). so what are your options?

 

make yourself better, but without her. the time you used to spend with her, do something different.. go to the gym, hang out with your friends, read a book.. i know this sounds corny, and i remmeber thinking it was corny when people said it to me, but its true. and dont feel like you need to announce it to her or tell her about it for validation. you are doing it for you, making yourself better.

 

just tell her you agree with her that right now you both dont know what you want, but the best way to figure it out is to be on your own for a bit and do your own thing. tell her you need to know if she is right for you. that should not be a given. if its a given, it puts the ball solely in her court. who knows.. maybe you find someone else. likely, you arent looking for someone else, so you may not, but thats fine. you never know.

 

if you keep hanging out wtih her, letting her dictate, it makes you seem like a very reliable back up. if you were your ex, why wouldnt you want that? its great. you can hang out, date others, not talk when you dont want to, but then if you are upset, you have a great back up. well, its great for her, but not so much for you.

 

im sure she is a great girl. im sure you love her a lot. but right now shes not right for you, and things arent working out. but, if you truly want to sabotage any chance you have of this ever working out, you can do that by constantly being at her side whenever she wants you to be there. because, to be honest, if that is how easy you are going to make it for her, she would be stupid not to go for that sort of an arrangement.

 

good luck man, let me know if you need any more advice.

[pete2002]

sorry. one more thing. why is she nicer after blow ups. thats easy. when you get upset, you are threatening the very nice situation she has. you are threatening her equilibrum... of being on her own, on a break, open to meet other people, but still having her great ex boyfriend there to fall back on. of course shes going to be real nice, make you feel all good again, and get you back on board to this perfect situation she has foudn herself in. once again, im sure she is a nice girl, and cares about you, but not enough at this point. i hope you follow my advice, i know its hard, bt i think its the best chance to figure things out, and get back together with her if its meant to be.