I don't want to call the cops on him but do i have a choice?...

[Hernj62]

My relationship with my boyfriend for the past few months have been rocky to a point where I left my own apt to get away from him. I signed a lease in aug for 1 yr and my landlord accepted that he needed a place to stay. It was only supposed to be for 1 month. Its now March! We fight all the time. For a long time he's had his belongings in storage but recently just moved it into my apt. He swears that he wants to live with me. I however disagree bc his stuff is still in boxes and everything is all over my living room floor! Since Aug, I've been telling him that he needs to find his own apt. He'd yes me to death and I'd be the one looking, calling, making appts! Not him! I also told him that all i asked from him was to pay the cable bill which is 120 a mo. That hasn't been consistent either. Our fights keep getting worse and sometimes leads into a PHYSICAL DISASTER! I bruise very easily. He's very controlling and he won't leave. So last night I left and I'm not planning to come back until he leaves. But I feel like that is so unfair that hes walking around in my apt all comfortable and I have to intrude on a friends privacy. He won't give in. Not even for a night! I still love him but I don't want to keep getting hurt. Should I take it to the extreme and file a police report that he's tresspassing? My landlord would be more than happy to back me up. He knocks on my door every week to see if I'm still alive! He doesn't want him living there either. And he still won't leave! Do I have a choice? I mean I want my apt back! Any thought would be appreciated...

[avman]

If he's physically abusive to you then YES call the police. Get rid of this guy pronto. It clearly isn't getting better, it is getting much worse.

 

This is your apartment, not his. Call the police and have him evicted. File assault charges on him and get a restraining order. And please for your own safety break up with this guy. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and your boyfriend certainly has no intention of respecting you.

[fishrrshortae]

I think you should def do anything you can to get him out of there, and it would help if the police were there so he wouldn't damage your property when he leaves...

 

You are doing yourself a disservice to keep him around, but you are also doing wrong to your patient landlord. Seriously consider calling the police, they will watch carefully as he gathers his belongings and will escort him OUT.

 

Then move on!

 

Good luck!

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with avman. You shouldn't have to avoid your own home because someone who isn't paying rent wont leave. This guy is using you. You should go to the police, and file a report. I think the police wouldn't have a problem going with you to your house to supervise him moving his stuff out either, which should happen immediately. You should get your keys back too, or have the locks changed.

[Hernj62]

I understand and appreciate everyones concern, but he doesn't abuse me intentionally. You see, I've been physically abused before for a long time. Broken bones and all...and this is not physical abuse! When we fight, he tries to hold me down, or holds my face. When we don't fight, any sort of touching is acceptable but when in a heated argument, I become very deffensive when he makes those actions. Its very threatening! And I start to fight back. And instead of him realizing my distress and emotional and physical pain, he fights back harder! Even though its just pushes and holding, a mans strength compared to a womens, isn't comparable! And I have during fights, have told him calmly to stop touching me and he flips out and says NO! He needs to get his way even if he knows I'm bruising in the process.

 

I feel so bad to go that extreme. For the first time in a long time, I thought I found somebody that would respect me and not use me! And I've never been alone before. For 5 years, I've been in consecutive relationships....what will I do if he has no choice to get out.

 

What if I come to my senses, and i think I made a big mstake? What if he never accepts my apology? I'm not that strong. I'm not that much of * * * * * either but it is getting worse. I just wish there are better ways to go about it! I love him dearly.

 

Why does he have to touch me? Because of my past, my reflexes and nerves react different from others. He calls me a lunitic! I feel like one too when we fight for hours.

 

He also doesn't have a car or the money to get his own place! He has alot of stuff at my apt! How is he going to get rid of it in one day and where is he going to go? I still care about him alot and I worry about his well being.

 

I can't help it!

[blender]

Honey, you need help, you can not SEE what is really going on here, you are unhealthy emotionally if any of his "actions" that you are describing anything you think are "okay". They are NOT. And you are "caught in this disease" as well... Is there anyone, a male friend, whom you trust, get a few friends together that you trust, who are strong and smart and go over to your place when your "guy" is not there and get all the things you need before you DO ANYTHING ELSE. Be safe, what you are describing as your "arguments" with him are NOT accpetable behaviors. He is "sick", and YOU can NOT help him, he needs to make his own choices in life and get help if he wants it. As far as you thinking you will come to your senses someday and want him back, well if you every do come to your senses, YOU WILL NEVER want him back. You are SMART to leave as you did, YOUR INSTINCTS are telling you this relationship is very wrong, yet because of your "habit" of explaining his bad behavior away as "whatever' you keep flip-flopping on what you should or shouldn't do. FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS, this guy is bad news, and YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE HIM.

 

Get away from him safely, make a plan, and remember he is NOT going anywhere, but you ARE, you are going to get "better, smarter" and become the best version of YOU, leave him to God to take care of, you do not have the POWER to heal this guy... go HEAL YOURSELF. make a plan and stick with it, be safe, ask others for help, go to a police officer and ask his "advice" tell him your story, you can walk into any police station and ask for a female officer to talk to... try this, it will help you focus on what to do..even if you do NOT want to involve the police, they will give you advice anyway... What do you think, can you do this?

[avman]

Our fights keep getting worse and sometimes leads into a PHYSICAL DISASTER! I bruise very easily.

 

That is physical abuse regardless of what you are trying to call it.

 

He needs to get his way even if he knows I'm bruising in the process.

 

That is also physical abuse. You ask him to stop, he's physically hurting you, yet he continues. It is abuse. The fact that a bone isn't snapping in the process is irrelevant.

 

And I've never been alone before. For 5 years, I've been in consecutive relationships....what will I do if he has no choice to get out.

 

You will do just fine on your own. You need to quit worrying about him right now and worry about yourself. He is a big boy and he can take care of himself. Is your worry worth your life or physical safety? I think not.

 

Please listen to us and get out of this relationship.

[KweenofDenyl]

We can all tell you over and over again that you are in an abusive relationship (and I can guarantee that you are), however, ultimately the choice is yours to make and you need to make several.

 

I strongly encourage you to contact your local domestic violence shelter and plan to attend a support group.

 

By refusing to move out he is exerting his control over you and the relationship. I've been where you are, and the best thing I ever did was to decide that my own welfare was more important than his. How lucky is this guy- he's got 2 people looking out for him (you and himself) while you have no one looking out for YOU.

 

The Suffolk County Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a 24-hour hotline:

(631) 666-8833.

[RandomAdvisor]

I understand and appreciate everyones concern, but he doesn't abuse me intentionally.

 

Abuse is abuse. Intent or lack thereof is irrelevent. The end result is the same. Many abusers don't intend to do what they do. They just get angry they see red, and when the red goes away their loved one is on the floor in a bloody heap. The fact they were blinded by rage doesn't make them any less guilty of being abusive.

 

And I'm comparing the abuse you're experiencing to something more extreme for a reason. Yours might not be that bad, but it will get worse. It always get worse. The abuse never starts off big. It starts small, and grows incrementally.

 

I feel so bad to go that extreme. For the first time in a long time, I thought I found somebody that would respect me and not use me! And I've never been alone before. For 5 years, I've been in consecutive relationships....what will I do if he has no choice to get out.

 

 

You shouldn't feel too bad about having to go to the "extreme" of contacting the police. You should do whatever is necessary to get out of an abusive relationship when you find yourself in one, and the fact of the matter is that in this situation it is necessary. The fact that it has become necessary is not your fault, and as such you should not feel guilty. What will you do if he has no choice but to get out? That shouldn't be any of your concern. Your boyfriend has made choices which put himself in this situation. He has chosen to disrespect you. He has (whether it was his choice or not) abused you. If you remain with him, he will continue to abuse you. He has chosen to exploit you and your kindness with his behavior in your house.

 

The most important choice of all though, has not been made by him. It's been made by you. You have chosen to let him abuse you and use you this way. I think the reason why can be gleaned from you saying this....

 

 

And I've never been alone before. For 5 years, I've been in consecutive relationships....

 

I think you are staying with him because you are afraid of being alone. There are times when you're better off alone, and this is certainly one of them. I remembering seeing Oprah a few weeks ago (I don't watch her regularly, I swear!) and a psychologist was talking about how women are always so afraid of being alone. She said that the fear of being alone was actually worse than being alone, so that if women would dump the losers they were with, they would discover that being alone actually wasn't so bad.

 

I think being alone for a while is what you need. If you've been in relationships for the past five years, and they've all gone bad and many of them have been with losers like this, you should take some time to yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but maybe you need to find yourself. Maybe you need to ask yourself what it is about these abusers that you find attractive, why you end up with them, and why you don't dump them more quickly when you see the warning signs. If you do those things there's a strong liklihood that the next time you get into a serious relationship with someone, you'll be able to avoid these bad apples.

 

What if I come to my senses, and i think I made a big mstake? What if he never accepts my apology? I'm not that strong.

 

 

You need to stop thinking like this. Stop thinking about how you're going to break down and get back together with him before you've even dumped him.

 

I love him dearly.

 

If he really loved you, he wouldn't treat you the way he does? And how can you love him when you don't even love yourself?

 

He also doesn't have a car or the money to get his own place! He has alot of stuff at my apt! How is he going to get rid of it in one day and where is he going to go?

 

Where he goes after you kick him out and where he puts his stuff isn't your problem. This is the same guy who goes out to clubs for all hours of the night, right? I'm sure his great friends will be able to put him up on a couch...

[Hernj62]

blender-the advice that you said to speak with a female officer is good advice. Whether or not I have the guts to go through with it? I don't know. You're telling me that I can't change him. Why do I feel like its a stage that he'll get over. We are great with eachother when we're not fighting about something stupid! I've never had so much fun and been so comfortable with someone. He is the first person I've lived with so I'm soooo scared with the outcome. I'm so scared that I'll never find someone that I can click with. He has brought out so many good things in me and has always been supportive with my decisions and feelings. He takes care of me emotionally..and it seems like he does care alot about me!

 

Avman-you are so right that he doesn't respect me but I feel like I'm going into an unfamiliar world full of lonliness leaving me trapped inside with no life, just soaking in my tears that hold sorrow. Ever since I was younger I based my life around relationships. The guys family, the guys friends. I never built my own life. Because of that I feel like an outcast. I feel like now its toolate to do so because at this point of peoples lives, everything is all set. They have their man or or their women, they have their set friends, they have their activities and their job. I'm very scared to let go because almost a yr ago I got pregnant and because of that, well my ex ran. And even though I had an abortion, I thought I'd never find someone that will love me again. And 2 weeks later, the one guy that showed me the slightest bit of attention....well... here I am.

 

Everyone- I'm hurting so bad and even though I know this is a horrible situation, I'm so hesitant because I;m so afraid that I will never be happy again. Putting things into different perspective: Taking a risk of feeling happiness.... or knowing that there will be days where your heart will be filled with joy and other days where you feel depressed. Don't you guys know where I'm coming from?

 

Has anyone experienced such pain and confusion?

[coollady1957]

Oh my, what a tangled up situation you have. I agree with the other posters here, so the best I can do is just reiterate what they have said about the abuse, and your breaking up with him and moving on.

 

You deserve much better. Get this guy out of your apartment, get the police, get the restraining order, and change or have the locks re-keyed.

 

Do not worry one second about where this guy goes , or if he has a place to lay his head at night. He is a big boy , let him worry about that. Good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

Don't you guys know where I'm coming from?

 

I think I do. We all go through experiences where doing the right thing is hard. Our heads say one thing and our hearts another. The important thing here is though, you know what you have to do, as uncomfortable as that makes you feel. I trust you'll find the strength to do it. As far as happiness goes, I think leaving this guy is just the opposite of what you've said. It's a step towards true happiness for the long term. There can't be any happiness for the long term with this guy, or others like him.

[Hernj62]

Some guy 282--- You are awesome! You have made your points clear...so clear that I have no response! I think everyone is right and I really do appreciate everyones perspective. And when I'm more emotionally stable, I will do the "impossible" for me!

I think the major problem is that I don't give myself a chance to really think it over. I always feed into his apologies and hugs and love he throws my away so my anger alters into love back and then I tend to forget until we have a repeat. This time I'm not going to speak to him, see him or read his texts, listen to his Voice mails.. nothing.

People are calling me an idiot for letting him have his way by letting him have my apt but I feel like I need time to really stick through my decision. I'm the type of person that would back down in the middle of the cops being there bc of his sad and hurt face.

I need to be strong about this. So i left last night, and I'm now staying at a friends house near by. I feel like he knows whats happeneing and at this point I am a little shaken up that he won't let me leave the next time. This isn't being idiotic right? This is being smart. Right?

[Hernj62]

Kweenofdenyl-When you wrote "How lucky is this guy- he's got 2 people looking out for him (you and himself) while you have no one looking out for YOU."

 

You made me really think! Nobody has put it so blunlty like that. I understand about the abuse and everyones concern on that tip but you're right! I do look out for him and he looks out for himself too. He's emotionally and physically hurting me just so he has a warm and fluffy pillow to sleep on at night! I'm not even looking out for myself bc if I were, i would've done something sooner and I haven't.

This would be alot easier for me if everytime i thought about him good or bad, I don't get this ache in my chest and stomach. I already miss him. I need to make myself feel disgusted by what hes doing and thats so hard when my feelings are still so strong.

[blender]

Your ARE RIGHT to leave him, and do it anyway that is SAFE for YOU. no matter what anyone else thinks. HERE'S AN EXCERPT FROM "TEARS AND HEALING" ABOUT LEAVING AN ABUSIVE SITUATION... LIKE YOURS, EXACTLY LIKE YOURS:

 

There is an element that many of us face in this process, and that is our feelings of love for the person who's mistreating us. To really move forward, we have to get some control over this - yet these feelings are not chosen. The only way to get ahead of this game is to understand the hidden motivations of OUR minds: how and why we fall in love, so that we can set the stage for healthier loving relationships. Falling in love is exactly that, when you FALL, sooner or later you have to get up and REALLY see the situation as it is...it's NOT good. So be SMART and leave..in a SAFE way, NEVER-EVER BE ALONE WITH HIM AGAIN... always bring someone with as a witness to your sanity and for your safety.

 

You need to really understand and deal with the puzzling and painful reality of living in an abusive situation.

 

Starting Recovery: The First Steps

 

If you're like most people in "love", (this is NOT really good love) but when you first face up to dealing with your partner's problems, and what all this has done to you, you are confused and overwhelmed with feelings. You've lost touch with what is right and wrong, with what is acceptable and not acceptable. And you are probably fighting an amazing buildup of fear, hurt, frustration, deprivation, and loneliness.

 

Although there is a lot of learning and growing ahead, in the beginning, the key task is to get your head screwed back on as straight as can be, and to get your emotions to a point where you can deal with them and process some other things, too.

 

1. Work on the confusion. The first thing you need to address is your confusion about what is right/wrong, good/bad. It's characteristic for men like your guy to distort YOUR realities to support their illness. And since they isolate you, you lose the stabilizing input of others. So you need input. If your partner has been abusive in any way, even just verbally you need to get away to "think" and then leave safely.

 

However, you'll probably find that you still doubt that the things you're experiencing are really abusive, but THEY ARE. When he is abusive to you, it's about HIM, not anything YOU have done or not done. But it's going to take a while before you start to realize, "Oh, that really is HIS problems he's projecting onto me!"

 

And my favorite recommendation: find some healthy people around you and talk to them --family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, whatever you've got. They will help you. You'll be surprised how supportive people can be. They know you, and they will vouch for your reality. They can reassure you in a way that others can't. You might be surprised how many people around you have had their own problems, and can be very understanding of yours.

 

Now with this input you need to output. Start writing. And don't shortchange it. Keep writing and posting here, you can keep it private if you prefer, or share with just a close person. But the important thing is to write down what you think. While you may reflect a lot about things as you write, writing is a synthetic process that forces you to put the thoughts together in a complete way. You can think of it as making a persuasive case to others, but the real benefit is that you'll convince yourself. And ultimately, you are the only person that needs to be convinced.

 

Later you'll realize the brainwashing that he has done. It will help you to really grasp how badly my he is treating you. By writing it, you make the case for you to push through the denial and start to be you smart, mature, growing out of him, person.

 

2. Work on the emotions. They are real. They demand your attention, and you can't shortchange them. You are hurt. You are neglected. You are abused and demeaned. These feelings are real, and you have them for a reason: they're the right feelings! The problem is that you don't feel that they're the right feelings. BUT THEY ARE, YOUR FEELINGS ARE TELLING YOU SOMETHING, THEY ARE SCREAMING, "TAKE CARE OF MYSELF".

 

As a first step, you need to express your feelings, and find people who will validate and support them. You can say them, write them, scream them,but spit them out. For example, whether your SO has a drinking or drug problem or not, you can attend Al-Anon you'll get loads of listening and validation. And therapy is yet another avenue for this kind of validation.

 

After you work on this for a while - You will begin to find a new strength, and a new perspective on yourself. And you'll probably be ready to start making some other really significant changes. Chances are, if you're reading this, you need to.

 

HOPE THIS HELPS, PLEASE REMEMBER TO BE "SAFE" AND NOT SEE HIM ALONE.. OR CONFRONT HIM ALONE, HE CAN NOT BE "RIGHT" UNTIL HE TAKES CARE OF HIMSELF, THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB, IT'S HIS... HE'S A GROWN UP.. LET GOD TAKE CARE OF HIM. YOU ARE NOT THAT POWERFUL OVER ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.. TAKE CARE OF YOU

[blender]

PLEASE GO SPEAK TO A FEMALE POLICE OFFICER, she won't DO anything if you don't want her to, but she can help you make a decision on how to handle this situation. Honey, I know you are scared and you feel love for him, but he's "sick" and I understand when you say he doesn't "abuse me intentionally" well then does he "love you intentionally" which one is it?

 

You can't simply take only the "good memories" and separate them from the "bad ones". He is one single person doing BOTH of these things to you. And it's not RIGHT no matter what his intentions or how much he Does show love at times. You are worried about being alone, but there is NOTHING worse then being with someone where deep down inside you are REALLY lonely, and eventually this relationship will cost you your sense of SELF. it already has started chipping away at YOU.

 

If you REALLY love him, leave him, it's a REAL sign of love to let someone know that thier behavior is unhealthy, if you STAY with him out of fear of you being alone, well that's NOT right, and no matter how many memories you have of the "good times" the bad times will start to get closer and closer together and the all you will have are "memories of good times" and YOU WONT' BE LIVING IN ANY OF THEM... YOU DO HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BUT ONLY if you leave him safely now and find YOURSELF first. And he may do the same, but if you stay he will NEVER-EVER change... EVER.... so love him enough to leave him to figure himself out...

 

and more importantly LOVE YOURSELF enough to have standards, values, and boundaries on how you will accept being treated... NO REAL MAN who is healthy would EVER hurt the woman he loves, with verbal attacks or physical strength, or by "controlling" them, he's "sick" and YOU are healthy enough to be "feeling that". So get away before you get as sick as he is... it's the only hope for both of you.

[RandomAdvisor]

I need to be strong about this. So i left last night, and I'm now staying at a friends house near by. I feel like he knows whats happeneing and at this point I am a little shaken up that he won't let me leave the next time. This isn't being idiotic right? This is being smart. Right?

 

He wont be able to make you do anything if you have the police with you.

[Tigris]

I agree with the others that it is still abuse!

 

Avman is right in saying get the police involved and also get a restraining order. Your safety should be your No.1 priority!

 

Good luck and take care

[Hernj62]

All of you guys are great! What great advice I'm getting. With all my heart I thank all of you. I will take action. The thing is... well I feel like it is unethical to just kick him out ina day w/o notice. Even though its not his apt. I mean he has had plenty of opportunities to save up all his money, say F you, i'm doing what I want and then leaving. But he doesn't do that. We both live check by check. I'm in college, 19 hes 26. He doesn't have such a great job. I know at this very moment he has maybe 50 dollars to his name. No bank accts..nothing. I know he is not the one for me but he has helped me financially when needed. All the time. Hes always spent money on us. Sometimes its for the wrong things but he's never held out on me. Money flies all over though with both of us. So since necessary bills aren't paid, I feel like he isn't helping but in all actuality, he does help. So Morally, I couldn't force myself to go to the police just yet. Because if the police says you need to get out this weekend, regardless if he's a big boy or not, I could never live with myself. I know I still love him and this will be our last and final fight but I'm just not that mean where I can easily screw someone like that in a heartbeat w/o emotion behind it.

 

So I'm thinking... should I stay with my friend for a week? And at the end of this week warn him the cops will be involved? Make the phone call, tell them what's happening. Have them call him if he hasn't found a place yet and then they tell him he has to get out in 2 weeks? 1 week? I mean thats reasonable. Right? God I feel so bad. Where we live is so expensive. Its hard to find an inexpensive place to live. I mean that 3 weeks of pay... I worry about it. Its one thing if I knew he had the funds to move, but he doesn't. And if i kicked him out, he'd really be on the streets. And with all that he has done for me, I just couldn't be that cruel. Ya no? And so if this is enough time... or to much time please share your thoughts. Also if this is agreeable with people who have been so kind to write me back through the afternoon. do you think when the cops notify him that he needs to leave within ____, would it be a ok if I went back home? I mean the cops know what's up already and I would tell my landlord if he hears anything, not to hesitate to call the police. I mean 3 weeks is a long time. And the only reason why I'm asking about that is because I hate to intrude on my friend. Shes going through stuff too. And I can't stay at my Moms house, she lives an hr away and her husband was the original abuser so I'm not comfortable being in that house.

[blender]

Please do NOT warn him about the cops, you haven't even taken that step yet, so try to "slow down" and focus. First of all giving him "more time" is not a "nice" thing to do, it is only prolonging this, he can NOT stay at your place, and YOU can NOT be around him alone... Do you understand and grasp this?

 

Please listen to us all... My sister was in this situation and she just kept telling us "it's okay, he doesn't mean to hurt me, I'll be careful". She was like you, she kept thinking "where's he going to go?" "Will he be okay?" He was 28 years old, and had a not so good job, but these were all the "choices" HE made in his life, they had nothing to do with HER, and when you truly love someone you "get out of the way" so they can "hit the ground" and finally wake up. If you keep "catching him" he will start to hate you, because he doesn't really LIKE HIMSELF... get out of the way, let destiny take care of him and let him take care of himself...

 

By thinking you are in "control" of the situation, or that YOU are the one RESPONSIBLE for his well being....

 

Well that is NOT your problem, and when you try to take on the responsibilty of a 26 year old guy, you are treating HIM like a baby, is that "love?" NO, it's not, it's a HABIT.

 

Does he worry about where you are? (and I don't mean he want to KNOW where you are) Does he wonder, How you would get along without him? Or does he worry, If YOU can financially make it? Does he say "I'm so worried about you"... I bet he only threatens that "you can't make it without me?" You are NOT being coldhearted by making him leave, you are being loving and treating him like an adult.

 

Do NOT warn him about your plans. When my sister decided to "warn her guy" that she was defintely moving on... (we all told her NOT to tell him, but to just safely leave) well once he knew, he cried, and apoligized and begged her to re consider and yep she foolishly did, and the next time she was alone with him, he pushed her down the stairs in "anger".

 

She was badly injured and STILL made excuses for him, she was simply so worried about "hurting his feelings" UGH... she could have been killed or extremely crippled.

 

Finally she decided she would never be alone with him again... and a few male friends of ours went with her to speak to him, along with a cop and simply stayed till he gathered all his things, we brought boxes for him and said he needed to call someone to pick him up and come and get him, because he could NOT stay here.

 

Eventually my sister gathered the courage to "move on" literally, she had to move after about a month because he kept driving past the house, it was very scary, she was always scared, yep, scared of a man she had loved for five years, and thought she was building a life with... and ya know what he's still the same, that was two years ago, and he's still not "better".

 

But my sister has a whole new life, and met a great guy, got some therapy for her 'bad habits'. She truly thought she was the "reason" he would act the way he did, when in reality these guys "act like this" no matter who they are with, no matter who the girl is, and yeah they may have some "good moments' but as time goes on, those moments disappear and there is only "fear" and "brainwashing" that takes it's place...NO, they don't do this on purpose, it's just that they are "sick" and the only way they have a "chance" at getting better is if YOU leave.

 

Let's come up with a plan for you.... let's think of the first step, what can you do this week that would be ONE step in the right direction? I am here for you, anything I can help you with, just keep asking questions...

[ravenfox]

hun its getting worse!

your feelings are right - trust your gut instinct and respect yourself above what he feels or anyone thinks!